Day 23: What I have learned from having a bisexual best friend

Have you ever had those friendships where you think it is just a simple meet and greet but turns out to be much more than that? Well that is how my friendship started with one of my best friends. I was around the age of 15, maybe I was younger, and I went over to my uncle's house where the family business used to be and I greeted my cousin with a side kiss on the cheek. And just like I have been raised to do with family I also greeted my cousin's girlfriend with a side kiss on the cheek. My first impression of her was that she was kind and quiet, very reserved but of course my older brother knows how to get along with everyone so he is already talking to her. Me, I usually wait for the right moment to come so I can test the waters with new people. My mentality with making friends is that if I see no potential then I will not talk to that person or I will not make the effort to do so. But this friendship was weird. Nothing like the other friendships I have made because we did not talk to each that much the first time we met. Aren't friendships supposed to be based on communication and little bit of trust in the beginning? Yet we ended up exchanging phone numbers at the end of the visit and we would text back and forth to each other. Having a long distance friendship for me is like having the other person at the other end of the friendship send messages in glass bottles hoping to get a reply back from me. I do not just not answer messages on purpose, I just gradually fade away if there is not someone else tugging me back into the picture. Which I am not offended if I do fade away because I do pick up the phone if someone from 2 years ago messages me today asking for advice on something or for a conversation.

Well from the numerous messages we have sent through out the years, I have grown to know my best friend. For what she is, how she became the way she is, and how she identifies herself. When my parents had told me before I arrived at my uncle's house that my cousin's girlfriend's sexuality was different from mine, I accepted it. There was no further explanations needed for me because I saw no purpose in needing any more information. If people treated me nicely and respectfully, I can care less about what sexuality they decide to identify themselves. Well there was one day I had messaged my friend that I have known about her sexuality in case she did not already know but that I totally supported. If you have yet know, I like to lay things on the table. I do not like cutting corners or sugarcoating what could and can be said truthfully to others. Since I have mentioned that I knew her sexuality it was like sealing the deal with our friendship because after that day we got closer. I would go to her for my problems, advice, for a good laugh, every conversation with her leaves me with a smile on my face and I find that rare to find nowadays.

What I have learned about having a long distance bisexual best friend? You learn to appreciate how powerful love can be regardless of sexuality. The other day I remember her telling me that she has been with my cousin for six years and in pure awe I congratulated her. You begin to associate sexuality like age or gender, it's there and you acknowledge it but there is also so much more than that. There was definitely so much to my best friend and it was not because of her sexuality that wanted me to be her friend. I wanted to be her friend because she was genuine, unique, caring, open-minded, strong-minded and intuitive. The distance gets to us sometimes but we have learned to make ends meet whether I message her first or she messages me first we make time for each other even if it's just for a twenty minute conversation. The strength she has developed from her childhood has also partially been passed on to me, and I know that when I feel small and weak I could count on her to push me to get off my butt and continue fighting. I have learned that friendships come in multiple forms and feel I have been blessed to be part of this special friendship. I do not need anyone's blessing or permission to be friends with people who treat me respectfully and correctly. Because they may have a different sexuality as me which has nothing to do with our friendship, I can care less about the assumptions that are made about me. I know who I am. My best friend knows who she and I find that to be enough.

I do not have that many friends that I am able to be completely myself, but I am glad that I can with her. And I cannot thank her enough for taking care of me from a distance as one of her little sisters. That right there is some one of a kind love.

Fun fact: She was the one who gave me the nickname Chavelita.

What have you learned from your friendships?

xx Chavelita

Day 20: Talking

For as long as I can remember, I have been a quiet and private person. I can probably hold a secret for so long that I eventually forget unless someone brings up something similar to what I know. Not sure if that is a talent or not but it does show that I hold a lot of information within me and if I am not asked about what I know then that information just begins to be stored deeper and deeper into my memory. I have always been the listener among my friends. If I talk it is usually when I have something to say, which is what I am doing right now. And you know what, talking it is not all so bad especially when you have a great listener and responder to hear you out. Sometimes I am like a tea kettle, you can pour water in me and I would remain quiet but once when you add heat that is when you are going to start hearing me. Not that I have to feel heated or upset over something to get me to start talking but if you bring up interesting topics or ask me questions, controversial the better, I can speak for hours. In high school I had history for my last period of the school day and while mostly everyone were just dying to get out and go home I would typically stay behind to have intriguing conversations with my history teachers. Since my history teachers' classrooms were relatively close they would just visit each other in their classrooms for group discussions. The topics could range to the most nonsensical topics like having a salad for breakfast to how can recycling have an effect on the environment. The topics were little to no where close to the history that was being taught during regular class hours.

Where am I really going with this? Well talking is beneficial for mental health. When you feel stressed or when you have no clue what to do with the thoughts in your head, it's pretty nice to have that go-to person to spill all the details to. That go-to person could be as simple as your sibling, parents, friends, and or your therapist. There may be a couple of people who take advantage of talking and that I have found annoying that they would talk too much during school but like Shrek said, "It is better out than in." Use your words, speak out your mind, structure your words to portray your ideas, however you prefer to share your thoughts, go for it! You may have the most brilliant ideas or thoughts screaming to be recognized but if you do not share them then how will that benefit anyone? For those who are not as much as the talkers like myself and who does not like to share a lot of the personal details with others, I just think it takes the right person to open you up. Do not feel like you need to change in order to find someone to talk with. Continue being yourself and whenever you are given opportunities to share what you are passionate about you should. You will also find that friend that you can trust with your thoughts, they may be a little hidden (or maybe in front of you the whole time) at first but usually the hidden ones tend to be the ones with one of the biggest hearts. Or be like me and start your own blog!

Have you spoken to anyone today?

xx Chavelita

Day 19: Father's Day

If you have yet to notice, I enjoy talking about my loved ones whenever I get the opportunity to do so and since today has been Father's Day I will be talking about him. My dad and I have always been the intelligent but sarcastic duo. We can have real deep conversations and hold advice sessions and in the next minute go straight into one of those inappropriate bathroom jokes that my mom always likes to call us out for. There are times where we may read each others minds or we can communicate with each other without even saying a word. Sometimes I fluctuate between if I am a mama's girl or a daddy's girl because being the only daughter they have, technically there is no competition in deciding who gets to be what. Growing up my dad has been in the military and me, I was not so into superheroes or Disney princesses, I was into Disney fairies but that is besides the point, so I did not really have that character to look up to and admire. But then I realize, my dad makes sacrifices and helps the country become a better place to live in so shouldn't that be something to acknowledge for? Which is why I still call him my hero today. And it is true when they say that not all heroes wears capes. I cannot compare my dad to the average dad because I feel like our family is not average to start with. To be the strong Latina woman I am today did not simply get up one morning and became that woman. I had to work hard to be that woman. Through the struggles, the fears, the doubts, and the confusion, my dad was there to lend out his wonderful talents as the listener/philosopher I know. I found he always had the right words to say even when there were moments that I did not ask for them. In other moments, he would simply encourage me just because and remind me that I am beautiful who is deserving in the things that I work hard for. I remember when I found out that my first hardcore crush was dating this other girl and I felt my heart split into two. I never really realized how much feelings I have had for this guy until that day. So I told my dad and he did not simply say, "oh there will be other guys, you wait and see!" he sat me down and reminded me of my principles. Reminded me of my qualities and of my one of a kind personality and in other words to not settle for less. I know at that moment I may have been choked up in tears and out of pure frustration for him to not even bother telling me and me having to find out on the internet about his relationship but hey I am just really glad my dad was there to put me back together. I find that it's the small bits of here and there that my dad has done for me that has shaped me into the person I am today. So whenever my friends compliment my personality or any qualities about me, I mentally point to my parents because they were the ones who raised me. And boy did they raise me well.

Happy Father's Day

xx Chavelita

Day 17: Learning how to drive

This summer I have made a promise with myself that I was going to learn how to drive. Not saying that I want to be the best driver there is but decent enough to know that if I were to have to hop into a car and drive at any moment then I can. I do not think I would mind to be the designated driver especially since I may be the last one among my friends to reach twenty-one, the legal age to drink here in the United States, and I would be the sober one to remember everything they may have done. Have you ever seen that picture where they have the description of the mom friend, the sister/brother friend, and the dad friend? Well I would consider myself that mom friend. I always want to make sure that my friends are doing okay and I am constantly concern about them even if there is nothing to be concerned about. I find that it is to my motherly (without kids) instinct of mine to bring up potential risks and measures that could be taken to insure the safety of others. Which is quite ironic saying that I am typically the youngest among my friends.

Well today as promised by my dad, he allowed me to drive in the empty parking lot of my old high school. Out of context I may have appeared to be a careless driver doing donuts, because my old high school is found on a busy street with the majority of shopping centers held local restaurants, but I was actually just trying to learn how to get behind the wheel. And a little bit over the wheel... In fact this has been my first official time driving because the first time I was allowed behind the wheel I went down my own street. What a joy ride that was! In this practice trip I was actually able to do turns, practice u-turns, practice my parking skills, and how to keep the van straight without it favoring one side over the next. I find the fact that the van I grew up in was the van I was actually learning to drive in. All the memories of being the backseat driver or the passenger co-pilot and now I was the one making the actual calls. First time parking regularly I was able to get in between the lines of the parking space which I was proud of myself to do until I was instructed to reverse park the van. If there was cars nearby I would of probably of crashed into them. Reverse parking is a whole other story of its own and it did not help that I am short and I was not able to entirely see the back of the van. If I knew how to use my mirrors more efficiently then I would have probably done better but I simply bombed those reverse parking.

Overall driving today was really fun. I was not at all scared mainly for the fact that I was the only one in the parking lot but I felt more in control. I have always wanted to learn how to drive even in high school because of the independence. To depend on someone has brought in so much anxiety and stress so if I am able to drive then I would take away some of that stress. I can rely on others to a certain extent, but if I can find a way to learn to do it myself then I would and I will. At times it may seem selfish but I just see is as a form of surviving. My parents have supported me from ends meet but I feel like this is the time where I want to support  myself more. College will be there and my parents won't so it's a nice skill to learn how to drive. I am excited to continue learning! Then the next goal is to be the one driving my parents around whenever I can for all the times they have.

If you have started, how has your driving experience been?

xx Chavelita

Day 15: Puerto Rican growing out of Puerto Rico

My grandparents from both sides were Puerto Rican and out of my grandparents came along my parents who by logic and genetics are Puerto Ricans too, which in return makes me and my siblings Puerto Rican. What everyone has in common except for me? They were born in Puerto Rico and I wasn't. I am a Georgia peach born along the coastline of Savannah and which growing up made me super annoyed because I felt like I was not a true Puerto Rican but that is not how ethnicity works. I may have been born outside of the island and raised out of it but that does not exclude me from my own culture. I did not obtain a Puerto Rican accent nor do I know or speak Puerto Rican slang, but I at least learned how to speak Spanish by the time I was four or five I was speaking on my own without my mom having to translate for me. Before learning Spanish though I had only knew how to speak in English which to some households that should be the goal until you realize that your own mom does not understand a word you are saying. My mom knew very little English at the time so when I got to speaking language phase of my life, my mom and I hit a language barrier. Yet we learned together through our language barrier because through her I obtained my second language and my mom can now understand when I speak English, even though she would still rather speak Spanish. Depending on where you are in Latin America, Spanish is spoken in different dialects and words are described differently as well. So when I was taught Puerto Rican Spanish I thought I was set and ready to go until I met my best friend who is Mexican and her Spanish was slightly different from mine. There was even this time I was sitting in the car with my friend and we started talking about money and without thought I said "cincuenta chavos?" (Puerto Rican Spanish: fifty cents?) and they all looked at me like if I said something absurd. Then I have realized I basically said fifty boys because chavos to them are either boys or kids. Yeah... 

Growing up outside of the island, many people automatically thought I did not know Spanish because when I speak English I do not have an accent. Which makes sense because why would I have an accent in my first language? So because I was assumed I did not know Spanish it is as if I was not Latina. I remember in high school there was this other Puerto Rican girl in my technology class and I could tell because of her accent. Excited that there was another Puerto Rican, I wanted to be friends with her. I grew up most of my life in a border city close to Mexico so not only did people did not think I spoke Spanish but they also assumed that I was Mexican. And I do not know why she felt disgusted or better than me for having a Puerto Rican accent when I did not. That should not make me any less of Puerto Rican than she is. Which that offended me and so any time I would see her around campus I would just brush her off. Probably was not the greatest decision but then again she should of been nicer to me. 

Another thing about growing up outside of the island is having all of my extended family living on the island. So not only are states are in between us but the Atlantic Ocean as well. I have not visited the island in two years which may not seem a lot but there were times where I would not visit in four or more years. I did not get the privilege to grow up with my primos (cousins) or grow close relationships with my tias (aunts) or tios (uncles) or even with my abuelos (grandparents) for that matter. Which I found a little unfair in comparison with my friends who had family close by but it has taught me to be patient and appreciative for what I have. While many people may go to Puerto Rico for vacations, I go to visit family and what better place to visit family on a beautiful island in the Caribbeans? Every time I go to Puerto Rico is like I am welcomed back home from an extremely long trip and a bit of reality is put on hold and a bit of it placed back because you realize that everyone has grown older and some of the situations have changed. I still feel wonderful though to be connected back with my family where I can talk to them in person instead of through my phone screen. 

Puerto Ricans are everywhere. We can have somehow sense when there is one nearby. You do not have to be on the island to realize who is Puerto Rican because you will know through our personalities. We have been known to be loud, open, easy-going and at times judgmental people. We normally want to have a time well spent. Crack open the dominoes, play some salsa on the old stereo, bring out the cola champagne, and the empanadillas and you have get together set in the backyard. Not the same as having a throwback at the beach but we do what we can. I think that is what is so wonderful about my culture that even from far you will always have a piece of the island with you. In fact I was making these well known pastries from Puerto Rico called pastelillos which they are essentially turnovers with guava paste in side and if done well it's sprinkled with powder sugar on top. Every time I go to Puerto Rico it's just one of those must haves so stopping at a bakery is a must! 

I am proud that I was born to be Puerto Rican. I love my culture, I love my island, I love our Spanish language and even though I fear that I may be underrepresented because I am a Latina woman, there is nothing I would change. And like we Puerto Ricans say, WEEEEEEEEEEPA!

Where is your culture from?

xx Chavelita

Day 12: A tea for my friends

Sunday morning. The sun peaks a little hello through the curtains and the smell of coffee brings the room to a gentle wake. Clock blinks eight thirty two and with one last stretch she gets out of bed. Blotches of mascara residue is left under her eyes making potent of her dark circles but her light hazel eyes tells another story. Loose locks of leftover curls framed her face and with that being said she wanders around her two roomed apartment. Colors of white, green, and gray flourished the apartment from head to toe with a little stain of red found on the washed out wooden floors. Only to remember that the friends she had were just something from her past. Painted white, she takes a seat and ponders. Tea. A cup of pipping hot tea is what she needed. Making tea was a specialty used in circumstances that were inexplicable even to the human mind. Such warm liquid to cure the cold of a broken heart. Accidentally making tea for two, she pours the remainder of the tea into a mug and stores the mug in the back of the cupboard. What cannot be seen should not be spoken about and what cannot be spoken about should not be seen. She keeps her friends to herself and she did not need someone or something to define her qualities. A sip of tea is the only satisfaction she needed and she had all the power within her small fingertips, at least right at that moment she does. Mint, honey, and a splash of happy juice, any tea could be her friend, anyone's friend really. How much more wonderful could life possibly get? To the last drop. Life should be appreciated to the last drop.

Felt like doing a freewrite today. May do more in the future because they're pretty fun to write!

xx Chavelita 

Day 10: Online Dating

Not that many people know about this but when I was younger I used to go online chat rooms and meet people. Now it was not like Tindr or Skype where you get to see the person you were talking to but it was on this social media where you were able to be any character that you wanted and you would meet people there. One of my friends at the time had suggested to make myself an account so we can play together and also meet new people who shared similar interests as me. I was at that stage where I was experimenting. Not that I am proud of but I would talk to this one guy without ever acknowledging to someone until there was one day that my parents were looking through my i-Pod and found a picture of him. Half jokingly and half serious they were, I was totally embarrassed not only that they had made fun of me for having a potential boyfriend but because I knew they were not going to understand. They were not going to understand that maybe we were dating or maybe we weren't but I had enjoyed talking to him for the fact that he treated me with such respect without even having to see my face. At that moment of my life I had really low self-esteem because of my small figure and having such a young looking face, growing up not that many people took me seriously. I was not given a proper chance that I have longed to receive so I resorted to the internet. At least on the internet I was perceived as someone with confidence and I suppose I was also a catch. There was even a time where I spent so much time on the computer that I got it confiscated from me until the habit was forced out of me.

In a more recent moment, about a year ago, I had received an anonymous message from this person from this social media site that allows you to ask or say anything anonymously. Well I slightly remember him asking about some of my hobbies and what were my opinion on certain topics. I had thought this guy was pretty interesting so I wanted to know who he was. Over the months we were hitting it off really well, we started to use instant messaging and almost every other day we would message each other about our days and whatnot. The few descriptive information that I had gotten from him was that he lived in England, was a teacher assistant to grade school children, a single child with a single mother, and that he was six months younger than I am. Instead of hiding this I had told my mom directly that I was talking to someone I had met from the internet and I already knew she was going to put the red flag up and advise me to never speak to him again. But here I am thinking like I was acting like the bigger person I continued to speak with him. Not that I wanted to seek a relationship with him because that was not my intention at first especially with the distance I was not going to put myself through that. Well then comes in this long message during the night where he professed my feelings to me (I have no idea why guys continue to profess his feelings to me in long messages while I am sleeping...) and I was left awkwardly looking at the screen of my phone. I had told my mom again what he had told me and the simple advice she had given me was to ask if we could video chat so I can confirm that the picture on his profile was him. Like all of you have guessed it, it wasn't. And to be fair I did not like him for the fake picture he had, is not the attractive physical features that lure me in it's the words and the actions. So after that incident of him lying to me, I deleted the app and I have promised myself that I will no longer be making friends over the internet. If I have to continuously go through bad experiences to learn that most online dating/relationships are not for me then now that is a shame on me for not learning from my mistakes.

What I wanted for you all to get from my experience is that you may think you know the person you are speaking to online, backwards and forwards, but I do not think you will ever know a person until the day you actually meet them in person. There is so much you miss when you are busy online fishing. You miss the first impression, that awkward 'should I go for the hug or that handshake', the actual connection or disconnection with the person, basically the little things that make up a true date. I would have to agree with my mom that a relationship made online is not real. You start falling in love with the idea of that person rather than the actual person. Realizing this now I know why it was hard for me to let these guys go because I was afraid that I was not going to find someone or someone who made me feel like the best slice of cake there is. But you are just going to have to trust in yourself that you will and that it will work out. This also explains why when my friends are playing around on Tindr, I decide not to participate. I know I may be one of the pickiest people you have met when it comes to making friendships with others but that is because I have been there. Not just online but in real life too. When you think you have met the perfect person and you are proven wrong in the most unpredictable ways. I have not been great in the dating department but at least I can say that I know what I want and I am not settling down for just anyone because I know I deserve better. If you are going or went through a similar situation, remind yourself that you deserve better too because you do. And always remember to be careful when you are online never share your personal whereabouts or information even if you feel that you can trust them completely...

How has your experience in dating been lately?

xx Chavelita

Day 2: The night with Mary Jane

In my second semester of college I was invited by my floor mate to go clubbing which for some it is not a big deal but for me who does not normally go out, it was a spur of the moment night. I did not think about it too much because I knew if I thought thoroughly of going to this club I would convince myself not to go and end spending yet another night in watching some overly dramatic Spanish movie while contemplating what were the producers thinking while recording the film. You need to watch one in order for you to understand... I am still thinking about the plot on Brujas... Anyway, I dressed out of my shorts and went with black leggings and layered with a denim shirt and sweater. I allowed my floor mate to do my makeup and just like that my floor mate along wih my other floor mate headed to the car. It was already passed midnight when we had left but the night had just begun. Roaming around the empty streets, the clubs were relatively close to one another. Just going up and down the street you would find each club blasting their own type of music with individuals all dressed distinctively. For someone who is quiet on most days, I was blurting out lyrics to the new Panic! At The Disco album with the windows rolled down. I was feeling alive that night.

During the night though there was a change, none of the clubs had caught our attention and with that my floor mate calls one of her friends, I am assuming he parties often since he did have the hook up to this party where supposedly a band was playing, and we decided to swing by his place. The moment he got in the back of the car with me, he was bringing this sketchy vibe and his over confidence kind of just wanted to make me gag. Did not help that he was already smelling like he was rolling in smoking cocaine leaves. I reminded myself that tonight was supposed to be fun and I was putting my trust in my floor mates that they would not let anything wrong happen to any of us. After collecting a few drinks from the local convenience store we headed to the party. At least it was safe to say that it was better to have purchased the drinks beforehand instead of arriving the party where you may have no clue what they put in their alcohol. Not that I am promoting drinking alcohol in any way but if you are going to do it, then be safe and smart about it.

1. I would advise to not drink with people you do not know. Same goes for drinking in small groups, stay close to the people you came to the party with and keep watch of each other in case something were to happen.
2. Have a designated driver in case you do decide to drink
3. Drink responsibly, know your limits

You can always say no to drinking. You can always say no to anything that you do not want to do and if you are being threatened or forced to do something after saying no try to seek help. Even if you have to draw attention to yourself or have to fight your way through. Sexual violence happens and it could happen to any of us at any given moment. Please do not think because you go to a party that you have to pick up a drink and join. I went to this party and I had told my friends that I was not going to drink. I came in the party without the intention of drinking and I came out with the same intention of not drinking. They understood my decision and did not force me to drink. Yeah I was awkward at the party to be the few sober people there but I cannot put myself at risk especially when I do not know my limits and that night was not the time to find out. So if you come across friends who judge you for not drinking or even friends who judge you for drinking then I think that should be enough to say about who your friends are.

We arrive at the party and it was like if I was slapped by a blunt. The place reeked of alcohol and weed, I thought I was going to get high myself just by inhaling the second hand fumes. As I stood there with my friends while they spoke to few of the people from the party, I scoped my surroundings and my exits. In the living room there was a group of guys playing video games, a tipsy small man making his way through the kitchen, and a man knocked out cold in the backyard. There was petite girls like me who were drinking like champs and all I can think about is how... I suppose anything is possible in gatherings like these. I am not trying to be prejudice at all but I felt like I had stepped into one of those cliche teen party movies and the only thing was missing is having the police come through the door and break the party up or even join in because who knows what the twenty-first century brings. By this time it was about 2 in the morning and the party was still going hard. This was a moment where I thanked myself for being an introvert and preferring a small pizza and a movie in the comfort of my own bed. I think there was even a moment of the night that this tipsy guy was hitting on me so that just about tops the party experience.

At about two thirty in the morning we leave the party and head back to the dorm. Me just being me, I apologize for my awkwardness but that I still thought the night was interesting even though it will probably be something I would not try again. To keep the night going we decided to go for breakfast at IHOP and that is how our night ended, with a night filled with Mary Jane and a stomach full of pancakes. I believe I did not get home until 4 in the morning but I can say now that I have experienced my first college party.

Please be safe in parties or gatherings where there is alcohol or drugs involved. In moments of danger, do not be hesitant to call the authorities.

xx Chaveltia

Hello!

Is this Isabel? No she disappeared for almost two months... Yeah so turns out that writing every week was a lot harder to do especially when you are a college student who wants to get the right amount of sleep, get good grades, and still be socially involved on campus but obviously I was not thinking clearly. So as a way to forgive for my absence I will let you in all the deets that have been happening in the past two months.

I joined a student organization that I actually take a part of so for those who say that I stay in my room too often well guess what, I'm barely in my room anymore. Joining Mentor Tech Student Organization has probably been the greatest mistakes I have made. Wait mistake? Yes a mistake... You will probably shake your heads at me. Well first of all I was already part of the Mentor Tech program at my university which what they do before anything is that you have to apply but after that you set up your own profile that includes your name all the way to the interests you enjoy to do on your free time. Then after setting up your profile the people in charge of the program will match you with a mentor who shares the same qualities as you. After all the waiting and matching, you are then assigned your mentor and they basically help you out during college which for me I thought was such a wonderful idea especially since I am known to grow really anxious in new settings and where I am not familiar with about 99% of the people here. Coming back to why joining was a mistake is that I was invited to a meeting which I thought it was for the Mentor Tech program but it turns out that what I signed up and paid membership for was for the MENTOR TECH STUDENT ORGANIZATION, now don't ask me why that did not click to me at the time that the names were different but to me I thought I had already joined this organization and that the meetings were mandatory. But nope... Yet this was the greatest mistake I have made because now I do community service just like I would do in high school yet they're better community service projects. For this semester on Fridays I have actually been mentoring high school students at a local high school here and my goodness guys I really love my Fridays because of this. Adopt-A-Class (that's what the program is called) has taught me so much, opened my mind to so many new things, and I am starting to understand more. I will take you on a little history trip because I think it will help you understand why I love teaching my students. Okay so right now, here in Lubbock, Texas, the school district first of all is different from my hometown. In 1979, the Lubbock Independent School District was desegregated. Let that sink in, because even though 1979 was 36 years ago that is still recent for history. And so when you cross I-37 here you can actually see the separation distinctively and I remember for the first time going to the high school, I couldn't stop feeling so ignorant for not realizing that just because a piece of paper was signed to eliminate segregation that doesn't mean that segregation no longer exists. Although the issues may not be seen explicitly, they are there. On that first Friday I can also recall telling my roommate about the segregation and she had no clue what I was talking about or that there was like this invisible line of separation still visible. Just seeing this though kind of made me love Lubbock a little bit more because this is different from anything I have seen and you're probably looking at me like I have lost my marbles, but now I get to see how two cultures can live true to themselves in the same city and that I get to be part of that culture mixture.

Did someone ask about boys? I have no idea how to begin this story. Alright so on Tuesdays I finish class at 12:20 for the day, which is why I love Tuesdays, and so usually I study whenever I can because exams here pop up like weasels and I like to be prepared. So normally the dorm is quiet because most of the people on my floor or either in class or still sleeping but then the CA that lives on the hall adjacent to mine starts knocking on our doors. As I peek my head to see who it was, the CA gives her long schpeel that my Texas Tech was holding A Tunnel of Oppression. In other words, what they did was that they decorated the ballroom like a tunnel where it was dark but enough light to give focal light to the skits that were hold in different sections of the room. I do not know if I told you already but I am really oblivious when someone likes me or find interest in me, you can probably give out big hints to me and I will still not catch on. Anyway after the skits we had to debrief and discuss what we just saw. As I was leaving, barely reaching to the door this tall guy turns around and said his name, complimented me by saying I was pretty, and asked me for my number (in which I gave to him). Then he said he was going to text me later. I kid you not, I couldn't stop laughing that day because I was having one of those moments like in the movie, Beyond the Lights, where Kaz tells Noni that he sees her, like this guy saw me. Not because of my height, but because I was pretty and that boosted my self-esteem and confidence immensely for the whole entire week. I am normally the girl that guys get to know me but only want to remain friends with. Even though our friendship remained short, I will still remember that moment. If the guy finds my blog and reads this, I want to tell you thank you, you definitely know how to make a girl's week.

In the month of October, I want to say that my roommate and I have gotten a lot closer than we were in the beginning of the semester. A part of me thinks it was because this is her birthday month and we have been relying more on each other. Okay, October 21st it was my roommate's birthday and since she was not able to drive back to her hometown I thought why not spend it together, doing the things that she enjoys doing which is doing crafts? After my Statistics class we left to go to different stores, first we went to Plato's Closest. Keep in mind that this is my first time so I was pretty curious to see what I could find. Just as I was getting in line to purchase the two shirts and necklace, a little boy around the age of five asks me, "Are you a kid or a grown up?". In which I thought, where in the fly did this kid get this question and right after that I wonder, well what exactly am I? I am too old to be doing childish things but I also don't feel like a grown up because I do not even know how to file my taxes or understand the whole concept of the stock market. Then he asks me again probably knowing that I was secretly trying to pretend to not hear him, "Are you a kid or a grown up?" Then I finally answered, "Well I am not a kid but I am not an adult either..." and I am just really grateful that his mom was next to me because she intervened and I was able to escape the kid before he started to interrogate me. I thought that was a great way to start the birthday adventure. Afterwards we went to Goodwill to see if we can score a few gems that people no longer wanted. Punching in the direction of the nearest Goodwill we had no idea what we were awaiting for. As we arrive the parking was gated and when I mean parking I want to say it was more like a almost solid with a bit of pot holes of compressed dirt. I looked at my roommate and we kind of just sat there hesitantly in the car debating whether we should leave or overcome our fears and go in. Swallowing that fear, we got out of the car and started heading into the entrance. I will not lie, I thought I was going to get mugged but I was also excited to be stepping out of my comfort zone which motivated me to move quickly to the door. Staying close to my roommate, we searched for room decorations. I left with nothing but my roommate picked out a few frames and a mason jar so as my roommate was paying the lady in front of us was carrying a rug the size of her. Watching her struggle, I decided the least I could do was open the door for her. While she was thanking me for helping her, she comes closer to me and says, "I asked the guy to help me but he said no. What a bitch." with a puzzled look on my face wondering if I heard correctly I nervously started laughing and in which I reply, "WOMAN POWER!" out of all the things I could of said I had to say woman power... This is why guys I shouldn't be placed in these kinds of situations. Though this day ended up being amazing because not only was I introduced to my roommate's other friends but for that day I actually felt a bit more grown up than other days. I was able to make my own decisions, say my own thoughts, and experienced a bit more grown up related topics all without wearing any makeup. College is most likely maturing me both mentally and physically which I am feeling quite bittersweet about.

College gets me so pumped, honestly. Even though I struggle getting out of bed, I do end up having a fulfilling day filled with new experiences and yeah I do get homesick but I seriously feel like college is my path to success. Just to be able to have that reassurance and goal, motivates me to complete more with my life. Making new friends, strengthening my bonds with already made friends, seriously makes a difference in college. Feeling alone is something I experience a lot but my friends whether they know it or not fill up that empty gap and I am forever grateful to meet such lovely, hilarious, caring people. College for sure makes you or breaks you, but if you put your all I am still rooting for you. That college life is not easy, but it's possible even if it takes one sleepless night out of the week to catch up with homework, friends from your hometown, or your blog.

What have you all been up to? I missed you all!

(Me visiting Buddy Holly's with my friends, but that will be another story!)

xx Chavelita

College Update

Alright so maybe I fell off of the face of the Earth for the entire month of August, but no one told me how emotional this college transition was going to turn out. So here I will take the time to catch you up all as to what I have been up to this past month until now.

• Cultural shock. Just the atmosphere itself is different. Now I am lucky, no, EXCITED that I get to hear someone speak Spanish. When people would say that my hometown was like this safety bubble different from the rest of Texas, I did not obtain that full understanding until I actually left that bubble. That is the first of many things that I miss about home. I really hope to get over this cultural shock and learn to be able to connect with people here. 
• Food is a responsibility not a privilege. If I want to eat I have to either be able to make it in the comfort of my dorm room (which I don't mind much because that is what I would do at home) or put my shoes on to head out to go grab something to eat. No more laying in bed and get the occasional texts from my mom of whether I want a fried egg or pancakes while I was still in bed. Also remembering to eat is important because as busy as that college life could get time managing is important to schedule when you are going to eat because you do not want to be that kid in the middle of a quiet room with a monster roaring for attention. 
• Grocery shopping is also something that I haven't yet done but I will soon. Now I am going to be that lady who inspects all of her groceries to see if she is getting her money's worth of food. Adulthood is just one curious thing after the other. 
• HOMESICKNESS. Not that I get homesick that often because I force myself to stay busy but when I have those times to reflect over my day, you can't help but miss your parents and your friends. On my first time going to church alone, I couldn't stop thinking about my mom and all the lovely people who I would see every Sunday. That was probably my biggest bump in the road but at least I went to church and continued moving forward. It's still a part of who I am even though I am starting a new chapter in my life and I think it's fine to be homesick so long as it doesn't get in the way of the actual studying and learning part which is the reason why I left in the first place. 
• So many acquaintances, but still no friends. I have met so many people and seen so many people in these two weeks of school and it's so refreshing to be seeing people from all parts of the world speaking in their native tongue. So far I have not made any friends that I spend time on a regular basis outside of classroom hours (excluding my dorm roommate) but I am still trying to remain optimistic that I will soon find my people and be more comfortable at my campus.
• I am now a Research Assistant in the Psychology department. Before I had left for college I received an email from my psychology major adviser stating that there was research assistant opportunities open since those who were research assistant are or already have graduated and needed new people to come fill in the spaces. At first I thought it was a long shot to apply for one of the positions because I honestly had no clue what I was getting myself into but my mentality of college being the time of experimentation I submitted my application. A few days after I had started my classes, I received an email from the person in charge of the study asking when was a good time that I could meet for an interview. Here I am thinking that, alright everyone gets interviewed it's reasonable because they don't want to blindly accept someone without knowing a few things about them. On that Friday (which was last week if we want to be more specific) of my interview I actually tried on my appearance, straightened my hair, applied makeup, ironed out my shirt, I wanted to make a good impression. Arriving there 15 minutes before my interview I was mustering the courage I had to actually knock on the door because I was already waiting outside the door. Turns out that the interview went a lot smoother than I expected, all the nervous feelings I had kind of just remained outside of the door and the interview felt more like a casual conversation between the graduate student who was interviewing me and myself. What stood out from the whole interview that he normally does not get undergraduate freshmen applying for research assistants this soon into their college career but that my application stood out. I STOOD OUT. And well he also told me that normally he does not pick freshmen for the position but he chose me. ME. I couldn't have felt any more prouder in myself that day. I am starting this Tuesday and I am pretty excited as to what I get to do.
• Am I scared? A constant question I ask myself, but I can't quite decide if I am really scared to just be in a new environment handling different situations or I feel more independent but just wishing to have someone that tags along with me so I don't feel as lonely. For the most part, I don't think much about the thought of being alone and doing things for myself. Perhaps this is the major turning point to teenager into the starting of adulthood. I know that if my mom was still around I would stay near here but it's kind of hard when we're 335 miles apart from one another. You come to that point that you just stop thinking about the things that are not important and actual pinpoint want needs to get done and you do it. No one is going to be telling me,  "Isabel, did you do your laundry?" "Did you eat?" "Have you showered?" "How about that homework?" It's all on me (not that my parents had to constantly ask me these questions) but it feels great, I feel like I am more in control of my life. 
• Limits are well tested. Now that I don't really have a comfort zone anymore because even in my dorm room I am not completely by myself with my roommate, your limits are tested constantly. As frustrating as there is no comfort zone to run to and take cover, I am now obligated to speak and share my ideas. I have spoken up when I need to and I have been speaking with people that I barely know which is a big step for me since I like to keep to myself. So I have this logic that if I keep talking, I will soon find that one friend. 
• Speaking about roommates... We actually get along pretty well! I only have one roommate, and I am really blessed that she is my roommate because even though she may not know it, she is the only person who listens to me here at school in person. To have that opportunity to speak to someone personally about one's problems or just something on my mind, I think that is how I am keeping myself emotionally stable here to be honest. 
• Dorm room is a bit snug but it's comfortable and for that I can't complain. I have mixed feelings about having a dorm room that is almost at the end of the hall away from the elevators but at least I am closer to the stairs so in case of any emergency that results in evacuating the building I have that leverage. I am still getting used to having to walk around everywhere with my keys, I am surprised that I haven't locked myself out of my dorm room yet. *knock on wood*
• Communal showers are not bad at all! Even though I shower in my cheap flip flops everyday, I can't complain about the communal showers. There is nothing embarrassing about them either because just as a bathroom is made for everyone (in this case the ladies bathroom) has their business and does their business and then they leave. All the girls who I have been in the bathroom with have been respectful which is a plus side. There is enough space to not feel so cramped in one shower stall and there is also enough space to change clothes. THE SHOWER STALLS CAN CLOSE WHICH MAKES ME FEEL A WHOLE LOT SECURE. So yeah and the toilets are clean, thankful for the cleaning ladies they do such an amazing job keeping those bathrooms clean.
• Football games? Even though I may go by myself, I am planning to go to my first football game next Saturday (we had our first football game today) but I want to go the one next week because I play against my brother's college and I want to be there when I kick his butt! aha

For those of you who are college freshmen just as myself we are in this together! I wouldn't be surprised if you can entirely relate to what I have been feeling in just these last few weeks. For those who are planning on going to college soon, just know that college isn't as bad as you think it will be. I still have those fears but I am sure you will be fine. Things just take time to settle in so take your time and take advantage of all those opportunities that you see and hear about! You will soon find your people!

How was your first weeks as a college freshman?

xx Chavelita

Day 26: Battling with shyness

Probably one of the things that I find myself struggling with the most is to be the first one to make the move. To make friends. To say hello. To sit among a group of people that I have never seen before. To just make the first contact with other people instead of waiting for the other person to do so and missing out on so many opportunities for waiting too long when I could of been making memories... If only I opened my mouth to say something. When you are younger yeah so being shy was cute but when you get older being shy becomes such a hassle to deal with. Then the thing that frustrates me the most is that people have told me to stop being shy and some may relate but being shy is just not something you can overnight grow out of. Shyness becomes a part of your personality, a part of you that no matter how much you try to wash it off, it still remains there laughing at how much effort you put to change your shyness to be left on the same page. I feel so trapped in my own shyness that in my head I am battling to say something so simple like, "do you need help?" or "what did you think about that movie?". Sometimes I win and I get warm cheeks for calling such attention to myself but I pat myself on the back later that day. Then when I don't, well then I have lost and I can't help but be hard on myself about my shyness.

I'll be starting college in the fall, and that is one of the things that I want to improve in myself. To take on more opportunities and layer by layer start to remove the shyness that consumes me. This is the time where I should not be afraid to speak or share my thoughts with other people. I would be sabotaging myself out of this college experience. I want to be that person who sees someone eating by themselves and casually sits down and introduces myself. I want to be that person who can shout, "HI MY NAME IS ISABEL AND WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS!" in the middle of my dorm hall. I want to be known as Isabel, and not just the shy girl who keeps to herself because that is not what I want. I want to be able to meet a guy as well and not be shy to make eye contact, I do not want them to get the idea that I am not interested. I think that is what most guys I tend to fall for think and I want and need to change that because I no longer want to have to deal with the what ifs.

So yeah, I want to improve my shyness and give people that same effect I give to you guys, my readers. Where I am completely honest and upfront with you without hiding who I am. To be comfortable to speak, crack some jokes, mix some sarcasm where it's appropriate, and still feel like a person you want to go to if anything out of the blue comes up. What I am thinking right at this moment is what I actually write on here, a more censored self, but it's still me in all glory and whatnot. I leave my book open on here so I can maximize my chances of connecting with you guys. I've always wanted to be that person who can walk around and have friends all over the place but still have my knitted group to fall back on. For those of you who are also shy and battling the same battle that I am, I really hope you start removing that layer of shyness because I know there is so much more to you that the shyness is not allowing you to demonstrate. I really cannot give you advice on how to not be shy because I believe that is not possible but you can always start by saying hello and to give one of those grand smiles. Lets not allow shyness to get in the way, okay?

Part of me is quite scared of removing the layers to new people around me but if I can do that online, then that should be more of a reason for me to do the same thing outside of cyberspace.

What is something you want to improve in yourself?

xx Chavelita

Day 25: To college graduate Isabel

Dear college graduate Isabel,

Reading this you are probably thinking I had too much time on my hands to be writing a letter to myself and then posting out on my blog for everyone to see. Yet I know you are secretly thanking yourself that you did because now you have something to look back and measure how much you have strove throughout the years. Either way I am giving you props for sticking it out to whatever it is that you decided to major in college with you decided to stick primarily to clinical psychology or branched out to the medical field in psychiatry. Then I bet you are also laughing at all the small things that I right now is freaking out like, who am I going to eat lunch with at college? Will I ever be comfortable enough to play my music out loud or sing in the communal showers? To be able to achieve that full college experience that I have been constantly been told about?

In the past you must of had a lot of pressure to carry with you, making your parents and carrying on the family name. The constant reminder of how many people wished you the best in college and already knew that you were to do just fine when in reality that would just make you freak out even more. You weren't looking for an audience to cheer you on, you wanted a group of people who you can fall apart to whenever you needed to. I already know you didn't need anyone to be used as your competition because ever since you were little you would already compete with yourself to see if you can be the best person you have ever been. You were tough on yourself before anyone could tell you twice what to do. Always a step ahead than what others may see you as and even through the struggle you find your methods of pushing forward. Late phone calls to mom and dad. A FaceTime every once in a while with your best friend just so you could hear her voice as she plants puns and stories on you. Crying whenever you would feel homesick or stressed. You surprise yourself in everything you do, and I hope you continue to see that in yourself as you continue on with your desired profession. The world is not an easy place as I imagine it to be right now, but just know that you did it and you were able to prove yourself and the world that you are ready to take the wheel.

Now just know thought that after graduating from college this is just another step you have to take in order to be under the career of your choice. So all those friendships you have made among your peers and with your professors are indeed your ticket into entering the real world because they will be the ones who boast about you and push you to get to where you want to be. So remember when you felt out of place that you were friends with your teachers in high school but then you learned that there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting to know your teachers more in depth? In fact that is one of the best decisions that you have made? Well that is the same thing the professors are there for, to support you, recommend you to certain institutions in hopes that they will accept you to work for them, have an ear out for you. Yeah teachers and professors may be a little different, but they are educators and for the most part would want the best for you. But knowing you, you would have already became friends with incredible people and have been moved with certain professors.

Just promise me that you will not give up? That you take life seriously but also be spontaneous to remind yourself of your teenage years of being carefree? To give those you decided to date a fair chance and when you do find the one, that you hold on tight with him? Smile often, don't hold yourself back, and never forget to call your parents. When you find yourself saying that life is not fair, do not get discouraged to continue because I know as soon as you land that job you are going to feel a million times better. You are so bright, you shine wherever you go!

xx Chavelita

PS. You better have studied abroad and had taken some wicked pictures to show to your future kids and family!

Day 21: Advice to my future children

Although I am only eighteen and have many many more years to learn about myself and the world around me, I feel like I have some leverage from all the learning I had done through the challenges that were tossed in my direction. Not all opportunities or situations come as easy as a slow pitch to hit out of the park even though some of us do wish that we had our questions answered in an instant. And those who do opportunities and situations that are easy to handle, we feel like those aren't worth much of a value but here I am to tell you is that every lesson that was learned through our experiences are worth value. When we sit there, sometimes in the midst of the night alone or we stand there idle in our morning showers, our minds are working up a storm to figure out a solution to a problem that is either there or not. Bubbles and lines crossing, with an infinite number of solutions, when we want one answer we come up with multiple possibilities that just drives us up the wall. I know we have a solution but then we start to wonder if its appropriate enough to fit the current situation and we begin to overthink which does not lead us anywhere. I think people should just trust in what they got and see where that may lead them. Which starts to my first lesson for my future child...

Do not follow the crowd. At first people may think that because they are following the crowd that they are doing something right, which may not always be the case. I have given the crowd a chance and all the times that I did, I was farther and farther away from the person I wanted to be known as. I nearly forgot myself while transforming into someone I wasn't. I would think that there was something wrong with me because I found such difficulty to connect with other individuals among my age group. Yet I continued walking by myself, allowing enough contact to keep myself in check but for the majority of the time I spent my time figuring things out without any outside influences. So kids, when you feel like you do not fit in with rest of the group and you find yourself spending alone time apart from everyone else or observing your surroundings, remember that usually the amazing people among the crowd do not call attention towards to themselves by showing off but because you have a natural glow, those who have their eyes open will definitely see you and change your life. Follow your own path for now, find out more about yourself and with time people will cross paths with you. Just a heads up though, some will walk alongside of you and others will simply cross without acknowledging you.

Be careful who you trust. I have found myself in many predicaments especially when I tell friends personal information that end up not being my friend for long. Then I think, well great there goes all my deep information along with the many insecurities and thoughts that I should of just kept to myself in the first place. Even though at times I forget what personal information I have shared with some people, having that information wondering around on someone else's lips makes me want to curl into a makeshift shell. I don't want to say that I was careless but more so that I outweigh a lot of people's good qualities over their bad qualities, so lets hypothetically say that everyone knows that one person who is known to be worst person to man and I would still find something good about them. I would still give them a chance despite all the commentary I have been told in private. I just want my kids to be able to open their minds to see the rounded values that make up any person that they decide to meet, not be timid, afraid or embarrassed to be themselves and share their stories. To be able to interact with their peers and know the difference between an average friend and the values that make up a better friend. So that they can limit the chances of disappointment they are going to encounter in life. Just know that mommy will always have ears to listen, arms to give out those needed hugs, eyes to give my undivided attention, a voice to comfort when my kids feel overwhelmed, and a sense of humor to make you laugh even if they may end up laughing at me for something silly. I will be here every step of the way.

Sweet words are easier to swallow, if needed to. There was always this saying that my dad would tell me, "diga dulce palabras por se caso si los tienes que tragarlas", which in English it means to "say sweet words in case you have to swallow them". We have all come to a close point in our lives or even crossed that point in ours lives when we're absolutely furious with someone and say rather harsh things in spite of the moment. Yeah for those few minutes we spill emotions out like if someone were to open the faucet at full blast. Until we calm down and realize that the situation could of been handled in a different manner. Regret begins to develop and we feel this embarrassment rising in our faces and soon the tiny sweat droplets form that is why it's better to say sweet words. I agree that people should know what position they are in whether it is in a relationship, friendship, or among family and have the chance to speak about what is on their minds but at times we may forget that words are a powerful tool and should be used carefully. This advice also goes when speaking to or about other people. Spreading rumors and then having the victim find out where the source of that gossip is coming from already does not paint a pretty picture. In a situation like the words become difficult to swallow or take back so that is why is just best to not spread false information about others. When spreading compliments, the sweet words, the person could either thank you or not acknowledge your words the same if you are complimenting yourself you could either accept the sweet words or trash them. At least swallowing sweet words are a bit easier than swallowing the bitter ones. I want my kids to be able to choose their words wisely and watch what they say to others, because even words could have the effect to change a person.

What advice would you tell your children or what advice do you already tell your children?

xx Chavelita

P.S. I am not pregnant. The kids mentioned are hypothetical.

Day 19: My first love... so far.

Where exactly do I begin? Falling in love just happens without you or the other person realizing, at least I remember I got to the point where I looked forward to the end of the day just to see him because we had our last class period together. When I wouldn't see him I would get a bit sad and I think that is when I realized that this wasn't just some regular friendship that I have had with other people I met. Anytime when we were together I was gasping for air from the many hilarious stories and puns that he would share with me, I had never met someone like him to be honest. We shared so many insiders, we shared personal never to be told stories, I even recall when we were doing an assignment outside of class. He decided, why not pull out my I-Pod touch and take multiple pictures of Isabel like some crazy paparazzi and chase her around the lobby? (I actually wonder if he still has those pictures...) I have met him when I was around fifteen and he was eighteen, and yeah I did feel weird that he is just a few days younger than my second oldest brother but when you're seeing life through rose glass lenses that doesn't really come into the picture. When you're up in the clouds, who would want to come down to face a harsh reality?

On the first day of school, I remember our teacher told us to walk around the classroom and whenever she told us to stop we had to high five someone that was nearby or speak to the closest person. It wasn't until the second or third round that I got to him. He always wore polo shirts for the most part, with long pants, and his white sneakers. That day he was wearing a orange polo with stripes, some good worn jeans, and his white sneakers. Now what he told me on that first day I do not remember only that I was laughing and replying back with something sarcastic. Total respect came from when he followed my sarcastic comment with another sarcastic comment and we both ended up just laughing. I also can't forget that handshake and that same old smile. The handshake so proper because he didn't enjoy slapping hands like some cool kid from down the block.

He was the sweetest guy that I have ever met... One night when I was sleeping he had left me a seven text messaged long message confessing this love he had for me and I freaked out. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before, no one has ever taken the time to actually confess their feelings about me and for once I was also feeling the same way but there was just a part of me that was just not ready yet for a relationship. Perhaps I replied incorrectly to his message but sometimes I wonder where we could of been if I were to say yes,,, He was also the first one to ask me to homecoming because I had told him that no one has ever proposed to take me as a date to any dance, though something came up and we both didn't go to homecoming but I will forever treasure the fact that he asked me and my stomach was so knotted up in emotions. In fact he was also my first valentine... I remember on that Valentine's Day I was not expecting anything just like any other Valentine's Day but when I was in Spanish class there was a knock on the door and my classmate got the door. Then the delivery guy who was passing out Crush can sodas with chocolate kisses on top said my name and the whole class did the embarrassing ooo's and aaah's as the delivery guy gave me my Crush soda, I couldn't help but blush. But that was just the beginning as he said in the message I had sent him to thank him for the soda, when I was on my way to history class he purposely stepped on my shoe and I was ready to tell someone off until I realized that it was him carrying a stuffed tiger. Then told me Happy Valentine's Day again in person. I still have the tiger sitting among my army of Hello Kitty's on my bench.

My God was I so lucky to experience what it felt like to feel wanted and be needed in someone else's life in a romantic manner. Is it silly to say that after a year of knowing him I was thinking what were the odds if we had a future together?  For more than half of the year I met him, he was facing some complications at home that he wasn't going to school anymore but by then we had already exchanged numbers and we were messaging nonstop like chattery chimps. He went through some tough times and in a way I felt like I was sharing his hardships too. I want to think that he told me the major parts that was going on but I do not blame him if he decided to keep some of the information to himself. Near the end of the year he came back only he no longer had the same schedule so we no longer had a class together. Which brought me back to the same position I was in during the school year. I have a sad feeling that was when we were drifting apart and as much as I didn't want that to happen there was nothing that I could do to stop life from happening.

At the start of my junior year I actually bought him a whole pack of Sharpies for his birthday because he had told me that since his father had thrown away his Sharpies, he could no longer do his art in his notebook especially the many koi fishes that he enjoyed drawing. A little later in fall break I was already feeling like something was wrong between us because he started to keep certain things away from me. Which is something that was far off his character, it was not until I found out through Facebook that he was dating someone... When did he meet her? I don't know. How did this happen? I don't know, I thought I was the only girl he was talking to because he was the only guy I was talking to. What did he tell me after I found out? That he was too scared to find out how I would react and did not want to see me get hurt. What a knee slapper, huh?

And that is how my first love came to an end. Not even dating and I was as heartbroken as if we were dating. But either way I have learned a lot about myself during this experience, and a lot about how guys are. Things could be perfect. Life could be spent pinching away your skin to make sure you are awake rather than dreaming for certain things to happen. And as easy as that things could turn out to be they take unexpected turns. Yet what is meant to be will be meant to be and what isn't, will not. Pick yourself up, shrug off the dirt, and try again.Take your time to mend your broken heart but do not forget that there is still a lot more to experience and a lot more people out there to be given a chance.

How was your first love?

xx Chavelita

Day 13: "I'm so excited and I just can't hide it!"

There is only two things I feel like I'm excited about at the moment. One of them would be to see and hug my dad again for the first time in nine months and the second would be starting college. The only downside is that these two events almost happen around the same time, so I find it quite upsetting that I am not able to spend as much time with my dad after waiting for this eternity to end and for this moment to happen. On the other hand though, I'm actually pumped to start college which is another part of growing up and developing my character that would potentially tackle the world with the rest of the people who are attacking this world. I won't lie though, I am scared for this moment to happen because I know I would want to tap out within the very month or two that I was dropped off in college. Only do the people who went out of town for college can understand the same mixed emotions I am sensing because I will not be able to simply take a public bus home and sleep in my own bed with my parents asking me how my day went. Though as I have told plenty of people, if I do not leave now then I feel like I would never leave the comfort of my house. I am the one here detaching myself from my bubble, this comfort zone that I had created for myself the start of my freshman year of high school and well beginning from scratch to build a new comfort zone in college with my new not yet met peers and professors. The only thing that has kept my sanity together is the faith I have placed on myself that not everything will go as planned but at least I am giving this a try and I'm really running with the wind. College to me sounds like such a great opportunity, I have heard stories from my parents and I actually want stories of my own to share at the dinner table whenever I reunite with my loved ones. I know that this semester of college will probably not be the smoothest of semesters but I will not be the only freshman in college to be feeling those pangs of nostalgia, fear, and doubt. I just have to remain calm, smile and say hello to anyone I encounter, and try my best to transition myself into college mode.

What are you excited about?

xx Chavelita

Day 2: The car trip

In my previous blogpost, Life is precious, I had told you all that one of my mom's friends would take me to school during the time that my mom got ill and as to this day I can still recite the things she had told me even if it was just a minute worth of advice.

I was staying at another one of my mom's friends house that day and as I got ready for school, the lady who picked me arrive at the house who was also taking another one of my mom's friends son to school since we both went to the same school at the time. Normally I am not given rides to school because I would take the bus that was in the middle of the neighborhood. near my house with my friends. Yet there is little quiet me, riding in the back seat still feeling exhausted the night before still thinking about my mom and trying to fall asleep in a bed that wasn't mine. During my middle school years I felt those are the ones I will remember the most, I felt like most of my transformation happened during those two years of middle school which is probably why I consider my middle school years the best years. As we arrived to the school, the school was on the right side of me, which was also the door opposite from where I was sitting. Patiently waiting to slide over to exit through his door, he closes the door in my face which triggered this powerful emotion in my mom's friend. I remember her yelling in the car to him but I am not sure if he heard or just ignored her. Then out of instinct I told her that I was used to it. Now this is the part that stuck through me until today,

"You shouldn't have to be used to that behavior. People should treat you with respect."

Somewhere along those lines, I have learned that I should not settle for less. Just because some people were not taught to treat others with the same respect that one gives them, I shouldn't be accepting behavior that I did not deserve in the first place. If you are reading this, you have taught me about my self-value, which was something I was struggling to define in myself at the time. That day I felt like something just clicked into place, hearing those words were something that I needed. Being tough and strong but handling disrespectful behavior are totally different things and I thank you for teaching me the difference. Being the independent person and the hard headed person of not wanting anyone's help because I thought I could handle anything that was tossed at me, you have taught me that everyone needs help once in a while and that it's not a sign of weakness whatsoever. Instead, asking for help measures my ambition of completing certain tasks and how willing I am to get things done by using the resources around me.

So I thank you.

My ambitious readers, do not forget about your self-value. That is something that you should be proud to have and no one should water down the amazing people you are with negative attitudes or unacceptable behavior. Which I also do not want you to lower your standards or to anyone's level, if they want to be with you or want to be friends they should be the one's raising up to your expectations. Behavior and manners is key, if you do not like something then speak up as we cannot change a person for who they are, we do have the choice as to what to tolerate.

What is something that has stuck through you in a conversation?

xx Chavelita

Day 1: Happiness starts with you

Here are the ten things that make me happy, though I am limited to only ten there is plenty of other things that in which I am happy for. 

1. Meeting new friends/seeing old friends - As I am not much of a social butterfly but I can be outgoing when I am comfortable among people I know, not enough socializing happens to meet new friends on a daily basis. Yet meeting new friends is such a rewarding experience because I was able to come out of my comfort zone and find someone that I am compatible with, so pretty much defeating the odds. Then when I see old friends after years of being apart, its such a warming experience to encounter and be able to notice the changes the person has gone through. Leaves me dumbfounded sometimes at how much puberty, knowledge, and life can do to form a set individual. 
2. Online shopping for new clothes - Yes the indecisive shopper prefers to go online shopping than actually visiting the store because it eliminates the endless amounts of "should I go with this one but that one was also cute..." and the stress and guilt I have placed my mother in whenever she takes me to the stores. At least I have learned what my sizes are for the stores I do shop in so I wouldn't have to worry about returning some of the purchased merchandise. 
3. Having a clean room - No matter how many times I have been told that I should clean my room, I was even banned from my own room with a sticky note on the door that read "Close for lack of maintenance", the motivation to clean my room comes in splurges. Never consistent but when I am in the mood of cleaning and tired of the mood, I actually get it done and its the outcome that brings much happiness. I find it true that having a clean room is like having a clean mind because boy does my stress meter lowers!
4. Receiving messages from people I enjoy talking to - When I was younger I used to be a massive messenger, I remember I was banned from a website I was constantly on because I would online message people so many times. I think on messenger for the first time I confessed my love in the sixth grade ahahaha but now that I am older I don't really message people. I message people when I have something regarding them but normally my phone is a quiet as the night with the occasional crickets. 
5. Any time I spend with my best friend - I have met my best friend in the fourth grade and we are still best friends today which I am really grateful for, so of course any time I spend with her I am having a great moment. 
6. Videochatting with my dad - Since I can't really see my dad in person at the moment, videochatting is the next best thing. I really enjoy talking to my dad, its like we have this telepathic power where we can tell when something is bothering us. I can pretty much tell him anything and hopefully he knows that he can do the same with me. 
7. Visiting Puerto Rico where most of my family live - Visiting Puerto Rico is like a magical place not because the location is beautiful and the weather is nice but because I get to see my family after years of not seeing them. These are the moments that are worth waiting for because when they do happen, it definitely fills me up with such warmth and happiness. Cherish your family you only get one. 
8. Being Latina and knowing Spanish and well basically for who I am - I will forever be proud and happy to be a Spanish speaking Latina. As much as people tell me that I look like my mom that also makes me happy. 
9. Watching movies late at night by myself - This is where my total introvert behavior kicks in, watching movies in the dark is one of my favorite pastimes. You get snuggled in your blanket, maybe have some snacks, and its time you get to spend with yourself. As silly as it may seem, when you spend time with yourself you tend to get to know yourself a bit better. 
10. When people remember the little details about me - I blush and smile immensely when someone remembers something I had said or the things I do not like to do or enjoy doing. Taking consideration of the small details sure lets me know that you are listening, paying attention, and that you do care. 

What are some of the things you are happy for?

xx Chavelita

Life is precious

As something that is expected, could easily be taken advantage of such as life. Not everyone is guaranteed a life, but those who were blessed enough to be given one chance at this confusing but amazing living time on Earth are not appreciating this wonderful gift. I have found myself many times of not being grateful for this life I have and as awful as that sounds it's like I am living in a mode where I live to just see the next day. Everyday living to reach the next day and some part of me feels like life is much more than that and that there is so much more to offer that I am clearly not seeing.

I was about the age of thirteen when my life was shaken for a moment. On the bus heading home from middle school, I typically spent the bus ride goofing around with my two closest friends and singing along to the latest tunes of Katy Perry and Lady Gaga that the bus rider was kind enough to play loudly on the speakers. When I reached home I called out, "MOM I'M HOME!" as I normally do to announce that I made it home safely. Only this time I was not getting any response. Strange enough if my mom were to go somewhere or leave she would of told me something, right? Trying my best to stay calm I go check to see if my mom was sleeping in her bed, my dad at the time he was out of town in a training to prepare for another deployment he was going later in the year. I should explain that without warning, because that is just how life likes to take action, my mom was feeling ill a few days before and as to this day I have no idea to explain the pain she must of been to not be able to button her own pants or change her clothes.

Back to story, at this point I was beyond terrified because now the only thought that was on loop was that she was in the hospital and that somehow her condition worsen. My mom wouldn't pick up the phone and I had no way to contact my dad to ask what was going on. He was not even on the island at the time, and both of my brothers have not made it back to the house. I turned on the television in my mom's room to calm myself down but I wasn't even paying attention to what was airing, I felt frozen with fear and I began to cry. Not one of those pretty cries, not that any cry is pretty, but it was one of those uncontrollable cries where you shook so much and that at that moment is where I felt like my brain wasn't working. Several minutes have passed and my phone began to ring, it was one of my mom's friends who lived just a few blocks from us. In Spanish, she asked, "You know that your mom is in the hospital?" and there was this silence and this awful pang of disbelief and anger that my conclusions were correct. Drawing conclusions should be the total opposite of what is happening and for once I did not want my conclusions to be right. Took so much to hold myself together on that phone call, where I mainly listened but when I had to answer back I would swallow profusely to hide the fact that of all things, of course I wasn't fine. All I wanted was someone to be there with me to just hold me and remind me of how life could play some cruel tricks but that things would or could get better. I remember my mom's friend telling me that she was coming to pick me up so she can take me to the hospital to see her and I said okay, hung up, and cried.

I picked myself up, wiped away the tears, popped a piece of gum in my mouth because I have learned that keeping my mouth closed to fight back the tears will not work but if I had something occupying my mouth that I would fight through it, and waited for her to come get me. On the way there I did not talk much, not that I speak much as it is, but my mind was roaring with questions. What happened to my mom? Was she okay? Did they find out what was wrong with her? Is she coming home tonight? Was anyone able to contact my dad? This was the first time I was allowed to go to the side of hospital where they kept the patients overnight. The sensation was foreign, I felt that I was not supposed to be there and that someone was going to tell me that I couldn't enter and redirect me to the same entrance. Only I wasn't and now being lead to the end of the hall, my mom was in the second to last room to the left side of me. Memories like these do not just disappear with time but are just faded scars. They're enough to be seen but not a deep wound that everyone questions. She laid there in the hospital bed wearing the typical hospital gown and socks that had grips at the bottom of the feet to prevent her from slipping if she were to get out of bed. This was definitely the moment where I realized how much of my life is revolved around my mom and it upsets me how terrible things have to turn out in order to take full appreciation of what we may have. No one wants to see their parents in a hospital bed with an IV running through their veins.

I thank God so much that now that I am about to turn eighteen that I still have this chance to spend my moments with my mom and with my loved ones. She is indeed my everything and without her, I wouldn't be the same person I am today. I also cannot thank enough for my mom's friends for taking care of me and my brothers. For letting me have a place to stay so I wouldn't be left alone in the house, feeding me when I did not have the motivation to eat and for giving me a ride to school (and for also teaching me about my worth and value on that car trip to school but that is another story). Your support and love will forever be remembered and if you are reading this I am certain you know who you are and how much I love you all.

Life comes unannounced and most certainly life comes quick. Your life is valuable, you have the power to do anything that you want, and most important that life is precious. A gift that not everyone receives. If you are going through some tough times remember that you have the ability to make the tough times your steps in success or the anchor to your ship. Depends on how you want to take life by the reins and there is definitely support out there, ask for it and the help is all yours. Lastly just like the sermon I heard at church yesterday, your life is right in front of you if only you are willing to look up from the distractions.

What are you most grateful for?

xx Chavelita