Day 8: The struggle is real

As bubbly as I can be, I do hit those dark moments of struggle and although I try to limit those moments they still sneak up on me. No matter how hard you attempt to repress, push away, or ignore the problem they come out stronger than the first time you experienced them which is what I have learned the hard way. So before the problem worsens try to find a person you deeply trust and tell them, you will thank yourself later.

For quite some time I have struggled to display my emotions to other people. There has been several moments where I would just not allow people to see me broken and vulnerable because I did not want people to change their idea about me. I thought that crying in front of people was a sign of weakness and while I would cry I felt bad because I would think my problems were not even that bad compared to what other people are going through and have to live with on a daily basis. And boy was I terribly wrong... The moment my mom started crying when my grandmother had passed away, I had broken down as well but instead of running to go hug her I had ran away to go cry on my own by the stairs in front of my house. The moment when my teacher announced that she was leaving back to her hometown I also left to cry in a restroom stall for a good solid five minutes. The worst one yet was the day when my dad was deployed and I actually cried multiple times during the day but I don't think anyone noticed because I did not allow myself to be seen. I have come to a point where I just felt like I was numb emotionally, I would wake up gaze around, get ready for school and linger in the hallways just to get through the day where I can go home and get into bed. Not that I didn't care about others and what was going around me, but I was really disconnected with my surroundings. I would sometimes think that I had depression but since I didn't actually see a doctor I wasn't evaluated. I really needed help and wanted help but I wasn't sure where to begin. All those times where I spent alone feeling horrible and miserable even scared that someone was going to catch me slipping away, I still wished that someone found me, scooped me up, and just held me. I don't even think it was because of the fact that people were leaving and life was changing rather quickly for me that I didn't know how to deal with it but more so it was a collection of unresolved stress, negativity, and excessive thinking that consumed myself and I do not feel proud for this former part of me. You should never let anything consume you to the point where you do not feel anything.

I remember when my dad was cleaning the garage and packing his things to prepare for his deployment I pretty much let go of everything I was holding on to. Took all the courage I had to tell my dad what was going on with me or at least tried to explain what I was feeling. There was this relief that now instead of carrying everything that I had, I had someone helping me carry my heavy baggage. It's not easy climbing out of the cracks as one continues to fall deeper and deeper into their own misery, but when you have company things begin to lighten up.

So what have I learned? That it is okay to feel sad, IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD. We are human and we are no where near perfect so of course when events come out of the blue don't be ashamed if you find yourself crying or freaking out. Life did not come with instructions so don't feel like you need to know everything that is going on with your life. Everyone on this planet is winging life this very moment. Your problems do matter, never underestimate your problems and never place your problems on a scale because even if you win the prize is not something you would to be proud of having on display. Do seek help if you cannot find a solution. Please know that someone does care and love you for who you are so don't feel the need to protect them from yourself. Remember that they picked and stayed with you for a reason. I actually treasure most when people can be completely honest with me through the tears, the swearing, and screaming, do what it takes to get those ideas out of your head. Just make sure that you do not mistreat the person that is listening to you because for the most part it's not their fault.

What is a struggle that you overcame?

xx Chavelita

Life is precious

As something that is expected, could easily be taken advantage of such as life. Not everyone is guaranteed a life, but those who were blessed enough to be given one chance at this confusing but amazing living time on Earth are not appreciating this wonderful gift. I have found myself many times of not being grateful for this life I have and as awful as that sounds it's like I am living in a mode where I live to just see the next day. Everyday living to reach the next day and some part of me feels like life is much more than that and that there is so much more to offer that I am clearly not seeing.

I was about the age of thirteen when my life was shaken for a moment. On the bus heading home from middle school, I typically spent the bus ride goofing around with my two closest friends and singing along to the latest tunes of Katy Perry and Lady Gaga that the bus rider was kind enough to play loudly on the speakers. When I reached home I called out, "MOM I'M HOME!" as I normally do to announce that I made it home safely. Only this time I was not getting any response. Strange enough if my mom were to go somewhere or leave she would of told me something, right? Trying my best to stay calm I go check to see if my mom was sleeping in her bed, my dad at the time he was out of town in a training to prepare for another deployment he was going later in the year. I should explain that without warning, because that is just how life likes to take action, my mom was feeling ill a few days before and as to this day I have no idea to explain the pain she must of been to not be able to button her own pants or change her clothes.

Back to story, at this point I was beyond terrified because now the only thought that was on loop was that she was in the hospital and that somehow her condition worsen. My mom wouldn't pick up the phone and I had no way to contact my dad to ask what was going on. He was not even on the island at the time, and both of my brothers have not made it back to the house. I turned on the television in my mom's room to calm myself down but I wasn't even paying attention to what was airing, I felt frozen with fear and I began to cry. Not one of those pretty cries, not that any cry is pretty, but it was one of those uncontrollable cries where you shook so much and that at that moment is where I felt like my brain wasn't working. Several minutes have passed and my phone began to ring, it was one of my mom's friends who lived just a few blocks from us. In Spanish, she asked, "You know that your mom is in the hospital?" and there was this silence and this awful pang of disbelief and anger that my conclusions were correct. Drawing conclusions should be the total opposite of what is happening and for once I did not want my conclusions to be right. Took so much to hold myself together on that phone call, where I mainly listened but when I had to answer back I would swallow profusely to hide the fact that of all things, of course I wasn't fine. All I wanted was someone to be there with me to just hold me and remind me of how life could play some cruel tricks but that things would or could get better. I remember my mom's friend telling me that she was coming to pick me up so she can take me to the hospital to see her and I said okay, hung up, and cried.

I picked myself up, wiped away the tears, popped a piece of gum in my mouth because I have learned that keeping my mouth closed to fight back the tears will not work but if I had something occupying my mouth that I would fight through it, and waited for her to come get me. On the way there I did not talk much, not that I speak much as it is, but my mind was roaring with questions. What happened to my mom? Was she okay? Did they find out what was wrong with her? Is she coming home tonight? Was anyone able to contact my dad? This was the first time I was allowed to go to the side of hospital where they kept the patients overnight. The sensation was foreign, I felt that I was not supposed to be there and that someone was going to tell me that I couldn't enter and redirect me to the same entrance. Only I wasn't and now being lead to the end of the hall, my mom was in the second to last room to the left side of me. Memories like these do not just disappear with time but are just faded scars. They're enough to be seen but not a deep wound that everyone questions. She laid there in the hospital bed wearing the typical hospital gown and socks that had grips at the bottom of the feet to prevent her from slipping if she were to get out of bed. This was definitely the moment where I realized how much of my life is revolved around my mom and it upsets me how terrible things have to turn out in order to take full appreciation of what we may have. No one wants to see their parents in a hospital bed with an IV running through their veins.

I thank God so much that now that I am about to turn eighteen that I still have this chance to spend my moments with my mom and with my loved ones. She is indeed my everything and without her, I wouldn't be the same person I am today. I also cannot thank enough for my mom's friends for taking care of me and my brothers. For letting me have a place to stay so I wouldn't be left alone in the house, feeding me when I did not have the motivation to eat and for giving me a ride to school (and for also teaching me about my worth and value on that car trip to school but that is another story). Your support and love will forever be remembered and if you are reading this I am certain you know who you are and how much I love you all.

Life comes unannounced and most certainly life comes quick. Your life is valuable, you have the power to do anything that you want, and most important that life is precious. A gift that not everyone receives. If you are going through some tough times remember that you have the ability to make the tough times your steps in success or the anchor to your ship. Depends on how you want to take life by the reins and there is definitely support out there, ask for it and the help is all yours. Lastly just like the sermon I heard at church yesterday, your life is right in front of you if only you are willing to look up from the distractions.

What are you most grateful for?

xx Chavelita

Emotional health

Ever since the tragic death of my Grandmother everything had soon fall apart, yet it forced me to think what it is that I wanted for myself. This is already a mistake, don't wait until something tragic or heartbreaking to occur for you to make a change in your life because it will take a longer time to recover from it. Not everyone is perfect and I know for certain I am no where close to perfect, but sometimes you have to step back from where you are and view the situation you're in from a larger perspective. The issues that has been occurring between family and still have to carry out my school work it was stressful, and you know what I told myself? That people have it worse than me, that my problems are just minimalistic compared to others and that I could handle it myself. Yeah, slap me on my wrist because I did discuss this in a earlier post. Though sometimes the decisions you commit are at first conscious but you get stuck in this habit that it begins to become a regular and that is when you have to stop. When you feel like you are falling apart and you find yourself crying yourself to sleep, that is a major flag that you do need help. When you cannot necessarily explain what it is that you are feeling that is something you should take into consideration and in my opinion that is the most terrifying experience I had encountered. To not know what it is that you want or how to get it and so it seems like you are stuck, perhaps that's a sign of someone developing depression.

I have this bad habit of not allowing people to see me cry, so when I would cry I would cry by myself. Sometimes I felt better, but most of the time it did not solve the issue because I ended up crying over the same thing. Opening up is one of my biggest struggles, but once when you start peeling away the layer of insecurity you start to find yourself happier, stronger, and feeling genuinely better. I have mentioned this before, that taking the first step is the hardest but you have to think about yourself at times like these because I don't want to see any of you fall into or be close to falling into depression. Depression is one of the major mental illnesses here in America, and from having a great friend who has to take antidepressants they kind of take over your life. When she takes them, the next half an hour or so she is already feeling drowsy. Do not let a piece of medicine control your emotions, start to take care of yourself emotionally. Cry when you need to cry, do not worry about what others think. Want to scream in a pillow or in the open? Do it. Have something on your chest? Say it. You feel like you're alone or invisible and that people do not give you a chance to prove yourself? I am most certain you are not the only one, because I do feel like that a lot. But you know what I did? I stop caring what other people did because I found out that I am much happier doing something I like rather than be part of some sleazy gossip. I started to focus on myself the same advice my great friend told me, exclude anything you can that causes you stress and take it one day at a time. Give yourself self-worth, stop neglecting yourself just to be part of something that you may not and create your own path. It's just like what my Mom tells me, "When you came out of my womb, how did you come out? Alone, right? Well you have already proven that you could do things on your own without the help of others."

Yes we need help but also pick your people wisely and carefully. In this week I have learned that you have a choice you can have one thing hang over you weighing you down, or you can confront it and be released from it. I am very grateful for my Dad, at my moments of weakness he knows what to do even though he may not have the right words to tell me just having someone to listen and understand my problems is enough for me. He told me whenever I feel alone that I should call him and tell him. That is how you should be too, no one deserves to feel like they are alone. I have learned to let go over the things that have been weighing me down and to lean on others when I feel like I cannot handle something on my own. And if I have something to say, I should just say it because most of the time letting it out is better than keeping it in.

Do not wait until matters get worse, solve them as soon as they come. Do not let any person, situation, or event control you. Be considerate of yourself just the same way you are considerate with others. We are strong, we can overcome the things we may see as "impossible" at the moment, we can be grateful for the experiences that has happened that created the person we are at the moment.

You are special. 

(Don't forget that, love.)



xx Chavelita