Day 28: From Psychiatrist to Veteran Psychologist

How about that future? While I went to go visit some good friends for the last time before they move out of town, I came across thinking about my future again. Which is not so bad to be thinking about your future, nice to keep those creative juices flowing. Here is how my process of determining my future started. When I was in high school I had gone to Puerto Rico to visit my family and anytime I get to see them is a pleasure. Yet when you do not see family for a long time, they get curious and one of the questions that is never failed to be asked is, "Que vas hacer despues de la escuela?" (What are you going to do after you finish school). At least at that time I had an idea usually I would just shy away and avoid the question as a whole. Well my uncle who is a General Family Doctor asked me that one day I was sitting outside enjoying the sun and breeze. In which I had replied that I wanted to be a psychologist. I was starting to get into psychology because I already knew I wanted to help people in some way and I could picture myself doing that for a good portion of my life. I felt so confident in my answer until my uncle throws in the idea that I should become a psychiatrist instead. This was way before I knew about medicine taking care of the mentally sick so as naive I could be for a fifteen year old I said okay.

Well towards the end of my high school career, I had lost a great friend because of medicine that was used to take care of her emotions. And you know it was not so much how I was treated because of how the medicine changed her behavior but the fact that I was there from the start and saw how the medicine changed her completely from someone I could read from the back of my hand to someone I couldn't find the words to tell her. I am not going to go into much detail but that is when I realized that I cannot go into medicine. I cannot live with myself knowing that if I gave someone medicine to control their mood and they went through the same difficult transition of having their neurotransmitters and or hormones altered, I would probably not be able to forgive myself. Which brings me in to as I went to apply for college. I decided to stay as a psychology major and find another way I can help people without having to handle medicine. I am a strong believer of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), which is therapy to help shape or mold unhealthy behaviors into better behaviors by implementing problem solving techniques and ways of coping with the situation that the person is going through. I rather sit down with my patient and speak to them but I will not be prescribing medicine, I will refer them to a psychiatrist if needed but that is the most that I will do for them in that case.

Throughout my first year of college I had two fields of psychology in mind to specialize in, Clinical or Counseling. Which these fields are more or less in the same ball park because in Clinical it is more research based on mental illness or like the alterations of function of the mind while Counseling you have more of the hands on experience of diagnosing patients. At least that is what I think, these are not the formal terms but for the sake of this blogpost I'm going to keep it casual. So I have gotten myself involved in research to learn more about the different fields of psychology to see if there was something that I was missing out that I would probably like to consider as I get closer to graduate school. And if my lab mentor is reading this she is going to be happy, but I have found Human Factors psychology to be an interesting field. It was not until I got to college that I found out what Human Factors psychology was and I like to refer to this field as like the engineering of psychology. There is just so many fascinating researches happening at my university in this field and I am constantly hearing about The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) and how big of role Human Factors play. Sometimes even I want to fangirl and I am probably the one that is least interested in comparison with my lab mates.

Then I had a conversation with my oldest brother who has already graduated from college about how my classes were going and I do not remember clearly what I had written on Facebook but we got to the topic of Veteran Psychologist. I imagined myself being a Veteran Psychologist and the idea of being one is not bad at all. Growing up as a military kid, I am familiar with veteran hospitals so to picture myself working at one, I do not think it would be a bad idea. I would also be giving back to the veterans and I may also get benefits for working with the government so that would be another thing that I would not have to worry about. I know that I am may be potentially placing myself in a difficult path because of possible stories from these veterans but I am still willing to give it a go. Who knows what I will learn from that experience if I decide to settle with this route in the future.

Overall my love for psychology has only grown in abundance and I am excited about learning more of what other fields of psychology has to offer before having to make my final decision for grad school! I also want to add that you can always change your future, you do not have to settle down with your childhood career or with someone else's idea of who you should be if you do not want to. Figuring out your future is a process that constantly needs work so please do not expect that it is going to come with a snap of a finger or with a rub of a lamp (trust me I tried and it sadly did not work). You take the time your need to plan out what you want to take with this life that we are given. I doubt anyone has their life completely planned out from start to finish so do not be afraid to try new things and to enjoy the ride as you figure out what you want to accomplish and become!

What career do you have in mind?

xx Chavelita

Day 27: Bad Day pass

For the longest time I would have considered myself as the Debby Downer out of my group of friends. Not because I saw more the negative side of things and would dwell on them more (which come to think of it, that could of been a factor, the dwelling part not the seeing everything as negative part) but I think because I have been such an optimistic growing up that I feel like a bit of the overlooked negativity caught up with me. I would try my best to avoid the bad days that I would repress my problems and would attempt to find a way to not let the bad days happen. Like that could happen. That worked until they became too much to handle that led to just more stress and trouble in my direction. I began to realize that not everything is as rosy and pretty and being positive all of the time is exhausting! I did not understand the difference between what a pessimistic would view the world and what a bad day entitled. This was me for the majority of my adolescences, I just did not like having to deal with my problems and the stress that came with it and to not tell anyone seemed like such a great answer! I cringe at the way I would treat myself in the past, always trying to put on a brave face to make sure I was the least of someone's worries. And you know what? Everyone is worth worrying about. Not too much worry that it brings in stress and anxiety but enough to know that you care about their well-being. I did not realize at the time, but the more you keep quiet the more suspicion is brought on you, and no matter if you win the award for best hidden emotions, people are still going to worry about you.

Everyone is entitled to having their bad days. Some people like to show that they are having a bad day through social media or other forms of communication and other people like to have their bad days in private or with a close friend. Even the most positive people you may encounter have their bad days and they deal with their bad days. The more you get older, I believe, and you still find a way to remain a positive outlook on life and world, should be handed an award. Problems get more complicated when you have to start making your own decisions and life can sometimes be an emotional roller coaster. Yes and even adults have to take a moment for themselves to settle into the situations that are thrown at them. Overall, I want to say that I am not an optimistic but I also do not like to dwell in negative aspects of life so I find better methods to handle with the not so pretty parts of life. I started using my words and stated the things that I did not like or that have been bothering me. You come to understand that there are just days where if in order to get over something and feel better is if you need to cry it out or throw out some swear words, then be my guest.

Everyone has different ways of dealing with stress, some habits better than others, but I just hope that you are finding a healthy outlet to let go of some of that stress that is preventing you from being happy. Just like everyone is entitled to have bad days, everyone is also entitled to being happy. I wish there was such thing as a Bad Day pass at work or at school and with that being said you were excused. Like instead of a Sick Day pass when you got the flu, you have a Bad Day pass because it is important to also take care of your mental health. Just because you cannot detect immediately whether someone is emotionally well or not, it does mean that the potential of someone being in distress does not exist. So do not feel bad or non-deserving for the days that you happen to feel sad, I rather you acknowledge your problems for what they are than to stay quiet with your thoughts and coming up with conclusions that do not pair up with your problem. Just make sure you are not revisiting the same problem, one visit should be plenty.

My mama instincts are showing, but just know that I care for your well-being. You can still be strong and have bad days. Those bad days strengthen you not weaken you.

Do you wish Bad Day Passes existed?

xx Chavelita

Day 25: Research Interviews

To be a research assistant was never on my to-do list nor did I know that being a research assistant was a thing until I had received an email from my psychology adviser that there was positions open. My initial reason to become a research assistant was to step out of my comfort zone. I knew I wanted college to be different than how I spent my years in high school and I wanted to make sure that in college I was getting the best experience possible as an undergraduate. So when I sat down with the application open to apply for my first research assistant position, I had no idea what I was getting myself into and yeah I was stressing out as I would normally but from the back of my mind I knew if I did not follow through this opportunity I was going to be regretting and wondering what would of happened if I only submitted my application. I also never thought about how I would feel if my application got rejected so I came in with such high hopes for a new beginning. A few days passed since I had submitted my application and one of the graduate students emails me back an email introducing himself to me and how my application stood out especially for that fact that I was a freshman without even stepping into college yet. A part of myself was making sure that this was actually happening and the other half was kind of anxious and curious about what would happen next. Within the first few weeks that classes has started I scheduled my interview appointment to go meet up with the person who had given me feedback on my application. Which to this day I still find weird that I had the ability to schedule when I wanted my interview and at what time...

The psychology research labs at my university are located in the basement of the psychology building and walking downstairs for the first time to the basement was pretty creepy and unexpected. You have to open a door to get access to the stairs and even then the stairs were dimly lit, one wrong step and who knows where would I end up. There are still times where I will miss a step and nearly fall down those stairs, so knock on wood that my day does not come. In the basement of the psychology building though the lights were bright and if anything all you can hear is the hum of the furnace. The rooms down in the basement for the majority time are closed and are only open if someone were running labs or waiting for their participant to come participate in their study. Well I sat down outside of the room where my interview was going to be held at and I kind of just stalled. I knew that I was early and I felt like my anxiety was kicking in because my thoughts would be on loop. "Ok... in ten minutes I will get up and knock on the door" "Alright in five minutes..." "In a minute..." until I had to actually knock on the door, I would just think about at what time I would knock on the door. With enough time to be considered early and on time, I gave a loud knock. 

The interview process was oddly really casual. There was even laughing and side stories included like how statistics just gets more and more alphabet as the content advances. I sat down in the adjacent seat by him and we just spoke. The only technical thing that I was asked to do is to get certified as a research assistant by doing the online trainings that were found on the university's website and on the National Institute of Health website. I was expecting like a proper eye to eye, seat table seat, interview. I remember what I had worn that day, I had ironed my sleeveless white shirt with crosses and had on tight khaki jeans. And as usual with my potato sack Toms to complete the outfit. I do not remember if I had a resume on me at the time because I had just gotten out of high school so I did not know how to make a college resume if I did not have any experience to write about. Even with that, I was given the position. Except what I have come to realize that so far all of the research assistant positions that I have applied and been interviewed for, I was never told a direct answer that I was accepted as their research assistant. I had to assume that I was accepted when my interviewers started talking about how they should contact me and when they would ask about my schedule details. 

On my second interview, the interview went even more casually because I had already known my interviewer since she was the teacher (or is it teaching?) assistant to my former Statistics class and she would teach our class on Fridays in the afternoon. In the first weeks that I have started college, I was concerned about my future and I already know what you are going to tell me that I am still too young to be concern about my future but that is what anxiety does to you. Makes you worry more than you should and the only way I was going to stop worrying is if I handled my concern. I did not know my Statistics TA that well but my first impression of her was that she was funny, awkward, and friendly. I knew that that was enough for me to put my trust in her that she would help me out with my situation. I wrote a thorough email explaining about graduate school and research. Soon throughout the week that I had emailed her, she replied back with such warm words. For someone who did not know me she sure accepted me pretty quick and offered her assistance to me. Half through my first semester of college, she emails our class about how she was looking for research assistants to come help her out in her research lab. I remember her mentioning in an email or in person that she was waiting for a response for me since I have been interested in doing research. Well on the day of my interview I sit down and we talk like it was just another day. And again she starts asking for my schedule without even telling me directly that I was accepted as her new research assistant. I am starting to wonder if this is a trend that happens to interviewers and their interviewees. 

My most recent interview was before I left home for the summer, I had decided to do apply for another position only this time I was not alone. During my tutoring session for Research Methods my Supplemental Instructor mentioned to my lab mate and I that there was an opportunity for us. The opportunity he has been talking with us for a while and it was that we had the chance to create our own study. Maybe we won't run the study but we would be able to learn the process in making a study and what it takes to get one starting. Since both my lab mate and I were first year college students he saw a lot of potential which was really sweet of him to mention when he had given us both good words of acknowledgement to the professor that he was doing research under. On the last week of school I meet up with another graduate student and although I did not know my interviewer personally, I did hear about her and from what I have heard she seems like a good person to get along with. In which she was because the interview went so smoothly, it did not like feel like an interview like my previous interviews. 

Reflecting over my research interviews and how much I have gone through as the lost college student to the less lost college student, I feel super grateful for taking the chances when I could. I had stepped out of my comfort zone and I carried my anxiety on my shoulder to all of my interviews. Even though I was nervous, I put on a smile and went in with a positive outlook. If you get the interviewer to laugh with you, then you should be golden which has been my goal in all of the interviews that I have had this year. Sometimes we forget that our interviewers are just like us, with experience and a upper hand, but they are people too. I know that I have so much to learn but at least I feel comfortable knowing that I have wonderful mentors to guide and support me along the way. I am so excited about what happens next in my research labs!

Update: I am no longer a research assistant for my first interviewer but I am still continuing with my second and third research positions. I have also found a passion for research so in the end I feel like I came out like a winner and soon a paid winner. 

In what field would you like to do research in?

xx Chavelita

Day 24: Petite & Proud

Ever since I was in school, from my first day of pre-kindergarten to my last day of my senior year of high school I have been known as the short girl. I bet people who I went to school with mainly associated me as the short girl which at the time was quite annoying and I perceived as disrespectful. Out of all of what my personality and my qualities offer and the one thing that people would leave with is is the fact that I was short. Great, even I could of looked in the mirror and realize that about myself. I have lost count to the many times I came complaining to my parents about my size and how because of my size people did not take me seriously. I even thought that because I was short that the guys I was interested in would overlook me. You see, when you are short for the most part people will think that you are weak or that you may need extra help when you are out in public. People automatically assume that being short, that taller people may have the upper hand. Which is how I thought about my size and I kind of just accepted my defeat there. My genes have made me this way and there was no way I was able to change my body.

To be fair, I think I was the biggest bully to myself because before anyone had the opportunity to mention anything about my size I was already putting myself down for it. I had this mentality that if I could beat someone to the teasing then I would not have fallen so hard if someone were to come and actually make comments. I had grown such a thick layer which sometimes growing a thick layer is good but mine was so thick to the point that I started to dislike myself. The what if's came in frequent waves. "What if I was taller..." "What if people saw me for who I am, like actually saw me, rather than seeing my size and automatically judging my talents..." "What if..." I had begun to fall in love with an idea of myself and was drifting away from my actual self.

Until I had reached college, things have changed. I started to look at myself from a different angle. I had come to meet with my flaw as being short because I had come to realize that being short is part of my personality. I started to view my shortness as a unique quality of mine because even though most of the people that go to my university are pretty tall, you find yourself standing out without even trying. People usually care less about how you look like, they may still stare, but for the most part at least I did not care at that point. I began to love myself again and for the healthy body that I have been too busy overlooking. In fact that is how I met one of my good friends from college. We used to live on the same floor and she was that type of person to greet everyone in the hall until one day she came over to my room. We got acquainted and we both spoke freely about where we came from. Sometimes my friend had some pretty unfiltered thoughts and she would occasionally mention how my short figure was what made her want to be my friend and first but then when she got to know me she was grateful to have gotten to know me. So I have come to realize that being short has their privileges. You are able to sit in the middle of the suspended chairs with your friends, you are able to sit at the outer seat of rides, since I am short I needed to ride with a companion most times so I did not have to ride on my own, you are able to get child discounts if you play your cards right, you get to still shop in the girls section at department stores for a cheaper price than the actual woman's wear, and so much more which before I had thought was embarrassing.

What I needed was a change of mindset and maturity to settle with the fact that I am going to be short for the rest of my life and that if I am ever going to be happy then I must accept myself for who I am. I cannot change my body but I can change the way I perceive my body. I totally believe that our Creator has made each and everyone of us into the perfect image that they had imagined us to be. At the time I did not understand why I was made this way but now looking at myself in the mirror I see my petite figure and what comes to my mind is strength. I can totally do what tall people can do and there is nothing wrong to ask for help if I cannot reach. To not be able to reach should be the least of my worries, if I am able to climb my way up then I will. Being a short girl is not that easy but as a short girl you learn to work yourself around the unreachable and you find yourself proving not just others wrong with your capabilities but you start to prove yourself wrong too. Being short is no longer my crutch but it is my step. I am petite and I am proud.

How do you perceive your body?

xx Chavelita

Day 23: What I have learned from having a bisexual best friend

Have you ever had those friendships where you think it is just a simple meet and greet but turns out to be much more than that? Well that is how my friendship started with one of my best friends. I was around the age of 15, maybe I was younger, and I went over to my uncle's house where the family business used to be and I greeted my cousin with a side kiss on the cheek. And just like I have been raised to do with family I also greeted my cousin's girlfriend with a side kiss on the cheek. My first impression of her was that she was kind and quiet, very reserved but of course my older brother knows how to get along with everyone so he is already talking to her. Me, I usually wait for the right moment to come so I can test the waters with new people. My mentality with making friends is that if I see no potential then I will not talk to that person or I will not make the effort to do so. But this friendship was weird. Nothing like the other friendships I have made because we did not talk to each that much the first time we met. Aren't friendships supposed to be based on communication and little bit of trust in the beginning? Yet we ended up exchanging phone numbers at the end of the visit and we would text back and forth to each other. Having a long distance friendship for me is like having the other person at the other end of the friendship send messages in glass bottles hoping to get a reply back from me. I do not just not answer messages on purpose, I just gradually fade away if there is not someone else tugging me back into the picture. Which I am not offended if I do fade away because I do pick up the phone if someone from 2 years ago messages me today asking for advice on something or for a conversation.

Well from the numerous messages we have sent through out the years, I have grown to know my best friend. For what she is, how she became the way she is, and how she identifies herself. When my parents had told me before I arrived at my uncle's house that my cousin's girlfriend's sexuality was different from mine, I accepted it. There was no further explanations needed for me because I saw no purpose in needing any more information. If people treated me nicely and respectfully, I can care less about what sexuality they decide to identify themselves. Well there was one day I had messaged my friend that I have known about her sexuality in case she did not already know but that I totally supported. If you have yet know, I like to lay things on the table. I do not like cutting corners or sugarcoating what could and can be said truthfully to others. Since I have mentioned that I knew her sexuality it was like sealing the deal with our friendship because after that day we got closer. I would go to her for my problems, advice, for a good laugh, every conversation with her leaves me with a smile on my face and I find that rare to find nowadays.

What I have learned about having a long distance bisexual best friend? You learn to appreciate how powerful love can be regardless of sexuality. The other day I remember her telling me that she has been with my cousin for six years and in pure awe I congratulated her. You begin to associate sexuality like age or gender, it's there and you acknowledge it but there is also so much more than that. There was definitely so much to my best friend and it was not because of her sexuality that wanted me to be her friend. I wanted to be her friend because she was genuine, unique, caring, open-minded, strong-minded and intuitive. The distance gets to us sometimes but we have learned to make ends meet whether I message her first or she messages me first we make time for each other even if it's just for a twenty minute conversation. The strength she has developed from her childhood has also partially been passed on to me, and I know that when I feel small and weak I could count on her to push me to get off my butt and continue fighting. I have learned that friendships come in multiple forms and feel I have been blessed to be part of this special friendship. I do not need anyone's blessing or permission to be friends with people who treat me respectfully and correctly. Because they may have a different sexuality as me which has nothing to do with our friendship, I can care less about the assumptions that are made about me. I know who I am. My best friend knows who she and I find that to be enough.

I do not have that many friends that I am able to be completely myself, but I am glad that I can with her. And I cannot thank her enough for taking care of me from a distance as one of her little sisters. That right there is some one of a kind love.

Fun fact: She was the one who gave me the nickname Chavelita.

What have you learned from your friendships?

xx Chavelita

Day 22: To the girls who thought being different meant something was wrong

Dear my girl friends who think being different means that there is something wrong,

To think differently or find interest in other materials that others might find odd or disgusting, that is not your problem and there is nothing wrong in appreciating the nonconforming ways of living. You be you. There is nothing more upsetting when someone tells you that you cannot do that or that is not appropriate. What is inappropriate about being yourself? When I was in grade school, I did not like to wear dresses nor was I big fan of Disney princesses. Ask me today and I still cannot name each of the princes in those movies. It just did not matter to me. I would prefer to sit in front of a computer with my brother and play computer games until our parents would tell us to get off. I could of listed you all of the first generation of Pokemon characters from the top of my head. In fact, while being introduced to video games, I have always complained about the main character being a boy. Why can't the girl be the main character? Why couldn't she saved the world from being absorbed by aliens? Or why did the girl have to either look like the damsel in distress or the prostitute by an empty alley? Why couldn't she just be a typical modest looking girl with strong features of her own? I found that to be unfair that because I did not mix well with the other girls and what girls were supposed to find interesting, that I was seen as an outcast. To this day I still feel like an outcast because I rather wear basketball shorts than yoga pants to go workout. Growing up I feel like we are placed in these dainty boxes labeled with the word "princess" and cute frilly laces as decor. Boxes that underestimate our differences and when we do decide to show our differences it is like we broke a this sacred law. If anything, we were breaking the glass ceiling. I think other individuals do not appreciate our differences because they do not know how to react with these differences. But if you know what your differences are and you are content with them then I feel like you are steps in closer to happiness than those who have judged you for not fitting into their ideal view of you. There are no rules or instructions on how to run your life. You win on some days and you win less on other days but everyday you are progressing even when you think you are not. From the numerous amounts of bullying, I have learned to appreciate my differences. On my hard days where I found myself looking for some self-confidence to boost my self-esteem, I would tell myself that because I am different I am going to have to find a different way to give my life value even if that meant separating myself from crowds. While those days of spending alone figuring myself out, the first few days were horrible but then they became one of the best days. I did not have to depend on anyone. If I wanted to go somewhere on my own I could. When you start agreeing with the people who have judged you in the past for being different then what side are you really on? So while some of you may think that being different has its disadvantages I am here to tell you that you are right. There is disadvantages now but the day you start to embrace and appreciate your differences for what they are, they start to become advantages. I believe that this world could use more variety so with your differences, my differences, and everyone else's differences then perhaps being different would be rightfully acknowledged.

What I am trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with any of you.


Stay hopeful and stay different my friends.

xx Chavelita

Day 20: Talking

For as long as I can remember, I have been a quiet and private person. I can probably hold a secret for so long that I eventually forget unless someone brings up something similar to what I know. Not sure if that is a talent or not but it does show that I hold a lot of information within me and if I am not asked about what I know then that information just begins to be stored deeper and deeper into my memory. I have always been the listener among my friends. If I talk it is usually when I have something to say, which is what I am doing right now. And you know what, talking it is not all so bad especially when you have a great listener and responder to hear you out. Sometimes I am like a tea kettle, you can pour water in me and I would remain quiet but once when you add heat that is when you are going to start hearing me. Not that I have to feel heated or upset over something to get me to start talking but if you bring up interesting topics or ask me questions, controversial the better, I can speak for hours. In high school I had history for my last period of the school day and while mostly everyone were just dying to get out and go home I would typically stay behind to have intriguing conversations with my history teachers. Since my history teachers' classrooms were relatively close they would just visit each other in their classrooms for group discussions. The topics could range to the most nonsensical topics like having a salad for breakfast to how can recycling have an effect on the environment. The topics were little to no where close to the history that was being taught during regular class hours.

Where am I really going with this? Well talking is beneficial for mental health. When you feel stressed or when you have no clue what to do with the thoughts in your head, it's pretty nice to have that go-to person to spill all the details to. That go-to person could be as simple as your sibling, parents, friends, and or your therapist. There may be a couple of people who take advantage of talking and that I have found annoying that they would talk too much during school but like Shrek said, "It is better out than in." Use your words, speak out your mind, structure your words to portray your ideas, however you prefer to share your thoughts, go for it! You may have the most brilliant ideas or thoughts screaming to be recognized but if you do not share them then how will that benefit anyone? For those who are not as much as the talkers like myself and who does not like to share a lot of the personal details with others, I just think it takes the right person to open you up. Do not feel like you need to change in order to find someone to talk with. Continue being yourself and whenever you are given opportunities to share what you are passionate about you should. You will also find that friend that you can trust with your thoughts, they may be a little hidden (or maybe in front of you the whole time) at first but usually the hidden ones tend to be the ones with one of the biggest hearts. Or be like me and start your own blog!

Have you spoken to anyone today?

xx Chavelita

Day 19: Father's Day

If you have yet to notice, I enjoy talking about my loved ones whenever I get the opportunity to do so and since today has been Father's Day I will be talking about him. My dad and I have always been the intelligent but sarcastic duo. We can have real deep conversations and hold advice sessions and in the next minute go straight into one of those inappropriate bathroom jokes that my mom always likes to call us out for. There are times where we may read each others minds or we can communicate with each other without even saying a word. Sometimes I fluctuate between if I am a mama's girl or a daddy's girl because being the only daughter they have, technically there is no competition in deciding who gets to be what. Growing up my dad has been in the military and me, I was not so into superheroes or Disney princesses, I was into Disney fairies but that is besides the point, so I did not really have that character to look up to and admire. But then I realize, my dad makes sacrifices and helps the country become a better place to live in so shouldn't that be something to acknowledge for? Which is why I still call him my hero today. And it is true when they say that not all heroes wears capes. I cannot compare my dad to the average dad because I feel like our family is not average to start with. To be the strong Latina woman I am today did not simply get up one morning and became that woman. I had to work hard to be that woman. Through the struggles, the fears, the doubts, and the confusion, my dad was there to lend out his wonderful talents as the listener/philosopher I know. I found he always had the right words to say even when there were moments that I did not ask for them. In other moments, he would simply encourage me just because and remind me that I am beautiful who is deserving in the things that I work hard for. I remember when I found out that my first hardcore crush was dating this other girl and I felt my heart split into two. I never really realized how much feelings I have had for this guy until that day. So I told my dad and he did not simply say, "oh there will be other guys, you wait and see!" he sat me down and reminded me of my principles. Reminded me of my qualities and of my one of a kind personality and in other words to not settle for less. I know at that moment I may have been choked up in tears and out of pure frustration for him to not even bother telling me and me having to find out on the internet about his relationship but hey I am just really glad my dad was there to put me back together. I find that it's the small bits of here and there that my dad has done for me that has shaped me into the person I am today. So whenever my friends compliment my personality or any qualities about me, I mentally point to my parents because they were the ones who raised me. And boy did they raise me well.

Happy Father's Day

xx Chavelita

Day 12: A tea for my friends

Sunday morning. The sun peaks a little hello through the curtains and the smell of coffee brings the room to a gentle wake. Clock blinks eight thirty two and with one last stretch she gets out of bed. Blotches of mascara residue is left under her eyes making potent of her dark circles but her light hazel eyes tells another story. Loose locks of leftover curls framed her face and with that being said she wanders around her two roomed apartment. Colors of white, green, and gray flourished the apartment from head to toe with a little stain of red found on the washed out wooden floors. Only to remember that the friends she had were just something from her past. Painted white, she takes a seat and ponders. Tea. A cup of pipping hot tea is what she needed. Making tea was a specialty used in circumstances that were inexplicable even to the human mind. Such warm liquid to cure the cold of a broken heart. Accidentally making tea for two, she pours the remainder of the tea into a mug and stores the mug in the back of the cupboard. What cannot be seen should not be spoken about and what cannot be spoken about should not be seen. She keeps her friends to herself and she did not need someone or something to define her qualities. A sip of tea is the only satisfaction she needed and she had all the power within her small fingertips, at least right at that moment she does. Mint, honey, and a splash of happy juice, any tea could be her friend, anyone's friend really. How much more wonderful could life possibly get? To the last drop. Life should be appreciated to the last drop.

Felt like doing a freewrite today. May do more in the future because they're pretty fun to write!

xx Chavelita 

Day 10: Online Dating

Not that many people know about this but when I was younger I used to go online chat rooms and meet people. Now it was not like Tindr or Skype where you get to see the person you were talking to but it was on this social media where you were able to be any character that you wanted and you would meet people there. One of my friends at the time had suggested to make myself an account so we can play together and also meet new people who shared similar interests as me. I was at that stage where I was experimenting. Not that I am proud of but I would talk to this one guy without ever acknowledging to someone until there was one day that my parents were looking through my i-Pod and found a picture of him. Half jokingly and half serious they were, I was totally embarrassed not only that they had made fun of me for having a potential boyfriend but because I knew they were not going to understand. They were not going to understand that maybe we were dating or maybe we weren't but I had enjoyed talking to him for the fact that he treated me with such respect without even having to see my face. At that moment of my life I had really low self-esteem because of my small figure and having such a young looking face, growing up not that many people took me seriously. I was not given a proper chance that I have longed to receive so I resorted to the internet. At least on the internet I was perceived as someone with confidence and I suppose I was also a catch. There was even a time where I spent so much time on the computer that I got it confiscated from me until the habit was forced out of me.

In a more recent moment, about a year ago, I had received an anonymous message from this person from this social media site that allows you to ask or say anything anonymously. Well I slightly remember him asking about some of my hobbies and what were my opinion on certain topics. I had thought this guy was pretty interesting so I wanted to know who he was. Over the months we were hitting it off really well, we started to use instant messaging and almost every other day we would message each other about our days and whatnot. The few descriptive information that I had gotten from him was that he lived in England, was a teacher assistant to grade school children, a single child with a single mother, and that he was six months younger than I am. Instead of hiding this I had told my mom directly that I was talking to someone I had met from the internet and I already knew she was going to put the red flag up and advise me to never speak to him again. But here I am thinking like I was acting like the bigger person I continued to speak with him. Not that I wanted to seek a relationship with him because that was not my intention at first especially with the distance I was not going to put myself through that. Well then comes in this long message during the night where he professed my feelings to me (I have no idea why guys continue to profess his feelings to me in long messages while I am sleeping...) and I was left awkwardly looking at the screen of my phone. I had told my mom again what he had told me and the simple advice she had given me was to ask if we could video chat so I can confirm that the picture on his profile was him. Like all of you have guessed it, it wasn't. And to be fair I did not like him for the fake picture he had, is not the attractive physical features that lure me in it's the words and the actions. So after that incident of him lying to me, I deleted the app and I have promised myself that I will no longer be making friends over the internet. If I have to continuously go through bad experiences to learn that most online dating/relationships are not for me then now that is a shame on me for not learning from my mistakes.

What I wanted for you all to get from my experience is that you may think you know the person you are speaking to online, backwards and forwards, but I do not think you will ever know a person until the day you actually meet them in person. There is so much you miss when you are busy online fishing. You miss the first impression, that awkward 'should I go for the hug or that handshake', the actual connection or disconnection with the person, basically the little things that make up a true date. I would have to agree with my mom that a relationship made online is not real. You start falling in love with the idea of that person rather than the actual person. Realizing this now I know why it was hard for me to let these guys go because I was afraid that I was not going to find someone or someone who made me feel like the best slice of cake there is. But you are just going to have to trust in yourself that you will and that it will work out. This also explains why when my friends are playing around on Tindr, I decide not to participate. I know I may be one of the pickiest people you have met when it comes to making friendships with others but that is because I have been there. Not just online but in real life too. When you think you have met the perfect person and you are proven wrong in the most unpredictable ways. I have not been great in the dating department but at least I can say that I know what I want and I am not settling down for just anyone because I know I deserve better. If you are going or went through a similar situation, remind yourself that you deserve better too because you do. And always remember to be careful when you are online never share your personal whereabouts or information even if you feel that you can trust them completely...

How has your experience in dating been lately?

xx Chavelita

Day 7: Shadowing Program Event Success

The Shadowing Program Event was an opportunity given to me with such high responsibilities. I remember I went to a fundraising event for Mentor Tech Student Organization (the organization that I currently do community service with), this was before I became the secretary for the organization. The former president had given me a proposition to be in charge of the The Shadowing Program Event. For a while now I have been hearing about this program but that was all, just a mere idea without any action placed to make it happen, at least not yet. The goal of this event was to bring students from a local high school to the university but with a twist. Normally when people come to a university it is to see the exterior of the university and experience how the atmosphere would be if you do decide to commit to that institution. Important as that is because that is how I fell in love with my university for the first time, visiting, but there was just something missing. Like drinking a glass of lemonade and realizing that more sugar is needed to balance out the sourness. A balance was needed and that is where the program came into play. The Shadowing Program Event in addition brought the element of allowing the high school students to experience the whole college experience, inside and out, by having a mentor to follow along their day including where they may stay and attend classes with them.

This program had me drawn from the start and I knew I had to get my hands on this. If I had this opportunity to get a feel of how college was really going to be during high school, the inside and outs, then I would have definitely signed myself up. With this in mind, I accepted the proposition and I immediately started to get in contact with the high school teacher that was in charge of the students who would be attending, her name was Elizabeth Duran but as her students would call her, Coach Duran or Ms. Duran. I have met Coach Duran for the first time this year and she is just one of those teachers that you instantly find yourself sharing your life story with. Really easy to speak to, easy to get along with, and her passion to teach, no wonder why her students love her to death. It was a real delight to have her as my partner to bring this program to life. For the program we had, Advancement Via Individual Determination or also known as, AVID students attend the university but I hope that if there is a next time, that we branch out to more students who are not just in AVID but who are simply interested in the possibility of living that college life. If anything, I want to be able to provide the maximum support to students who may know or who are still thinking of what they want to do with their future because I know how terrifying things get once when you graduate from high school and you have to think about the next step to take with your life. Even for students who do not consider college as their first step out of high school, I believe they should participant in the program to solidify their decision that college is not right for them. Just like any parent would say, how do you know if you do not like it if you have never tried?

Whenever I can, I like to motivate students to get a higher education. I know after twelve years of going to school where the government forced us to complete, the last thing some would want to do is go to school for another four years, or more, to get a higher education. But seeking a higher education is important! Many situations are changing, social revolutions are happening, technology is advancing, people are pronouncing their identities to the world, to say the least people are starting to speak up whether we are ready or not to listen. What should have been said but was once afraid to share, are being laid out on the table. The twenty-first century is by far as I consider, the resurrection of the lost voices and as us millennials we need to look out for one another. In order to participate, that higher education is needed. The world is becoming a tougher place to obtain a job with just a high school diploma, heck, with a bachelor's degree things are still looking rough. There was this quote that I saw that set things in perspective for me, I cannot recall what the quote said word by word, but basically the quote stated how leaders of the world are those that you went to high school with. Now not as literal as the quote takes it but the leaders can be those who are roughly around the same age group as we are. Mind blowing, right? I still have a hard time believing that even in our teen years going into young adulthood, we can have such a great impact to formulate the kind of world we want to live in. Generation X, the generation before us, are starting to get older and soon enough us millennials are in need to take over. So it's best to be prepared and give this world the hand it needs when our time comes.

I got a little bit carried away, didn't I? Well going back to the Shadowing Program, this event took about a month to coordinate. It was not so much the planning that stressed me out because honestly planning is something I enjoy doing but some of my mentors had dropped out days before the launch of the event. Thankfully some of my mentors were willing to take multiple students with them to class or else I would have to go and look for more mentors with the time I did not have. The day of the event I was so excited, that the same excitement one would have the day before a field trip. I woke up that morning with such purpose that if this event were to go as plan and the students and my mentors took the opportunity seriously, my little heart would be very content. Seeing my mentors and the students come in, it was starting to click, this program is actually happening! Although I was not able to take any students with me to class being able to spectate was good enough for me. I was able to talk to multiple AVID students, share a bit of my stories as a freshman in college and learn a little bit more about the students. Such an ambitious bunch I must say. There was this student in particular that I had spoken with during lunch about how she was upset that she had to compete with this new girl who came into school with her for ranking and it totally reminded of me in high school! Which I found it really interesting that I could share that experience with her and that I am able to meet the future leaders who want to take that extra step.

Overall the Shadowing Program was a success! The event went as plan, the students came back to the Student Union Building excited for college and the mentors grew a quick connection with their students. Contact information were being shared and hugs were given out. Unbelievably amazing! To share this moment is why I enjoy doing volunteer work. The pay is not what I am interested in, it's how I can give to the community and how to benefit others. This day sure went into the books. Thank you Coach Duran for trusting in me to make this happen!

Would the Shadowing Program be something you are interested in participating or wish you participated in?

xx Chavelita

Day 6: Adulting

Adulting. Something you will not understand until you actually have to be an adult and do things on your own. When you have to take the reigns on your own life even if you do not know where or how to lead. Going in with an optimistic approach of independence, adulting is not at all what I imagined. I am not sure there is even a comparable situation that will assist you into the adult world unless you have absolutely had to rely on yourself to get things done. I know as a military child you tend to see life in a different manner and for the most part your childhood goes rather quickly as we lean more on ourselves to get the job done. Though even being a military child I had my moments of struggle, no one is prepared for what life is thrown at you. It is true that you live one day at a time. I find that it is just best to remind yourself that each day will have their struggles and rewards but no yesterdays are the same as our tomorrows.

There has been many times where I had wish my mom was around to help me make decisions when I am at the grocery store. Or be given some thought out advice on how to overcome moments of confusion with my dad. But through it all, you tend to learn a lot about yourself when you do not have any influence coming from someone else. I found my love for drinking hot tea in particular peach hot tea. I have learned that I cannot buy milk for one because I will let it spoil. I am embarrassed to say this but I had half a gallon of milk sitting in the inside of our fridge for a whole semester without opening. I was afraid to open it and throw out the contents out so I threw out the whole thing in the trash bin. Out of sight, out of mind, right? In the basement was the laundry room and in there there was the old washing machines that I had forgotten how to use so I had to relearn the technique to use those machines. I found out that I am not strong enough physically to bring all of my dirty laundry at once so I had to separate my loads in a bag and take it down to the basement in rotations. Also learned that doing laundry on a weekday was not going to cut it for me and if I were to do my laundry at an earlier time on the weekend I was able to get all my loads done by the afternoon. Some of the things I have learned while adulting, it is all about the little things my friends. 

I normally do not get sick but when I do get sick then its like a piece of hell breaks open. Towards the end of my second semester of college I was hit hard with the allergies. First came the headaches which I thought could be treated with a pain killer pill only the headache persisted into the next day. This is how migraine and I first met, it was not a welcoming experience to say the least. The following day I was okay but the day after that I woke up with a sore throat and my body had given up on me. If my body could speak it would of probably told me, "Girl you are on your own for this one!". I had asked my mentor if she had any cough syrup or if she could take me to the pharmacy to get me some but I did not receive a reply back until I had woken up that morning of the sore throat. Everyone was apparently busy so there was only one thing I could do and that was to walk to the nearest pharmacy myself. Using every remaining amount of energy left I began my walk to the pharmacy. Perhaps this was the moment that I had hit adulthood. When you are left to take care of yourself and be responsible for taking your medicine and taking yourself to the doctors when needed. What a fun week that was for me!

Overall, adulting is going to push your buttons. With time though, you learn to adapt yourself to adulthood... at least that is what I am hoping adulting leads to. I am still adjusting even some of my adult friends are still adulting. So do not feel bad if you are getting to the age that you have to be an adult and all you experience is a lot of confusion and loss of control. That means you are doing it right! Keep up the good work! You will soon find your momentum! Things will soon start making sense, it is the getting started part that brings in the toughest challenges.

How is adulting coming along for you?

xx Chavelita

High Standards: Bad or Good?

For as long as I can remember I have had high standards. I would always pick the boxes with the neatest packaging at the grocery store. Pay the extra dollar for a water bottle than to use a local water fountain. Buy clothes by the brand at times because I am familiar with the quality of the clothes and for the fact that the clothes fit my petite body that has always been a struggle of mine growing up. Though these standards mentioned are just to the material items, when these standards apply to people the real difficulty begins to peer out to the open. I have learned to stop being picky with the types of food I have been given but I find to be extremely picky with the people I have encountered over the years. Throughout time I have dropped so many friends for the simple fact that they no longer fit in my life. They no longer became effortless to talk to and with the constant feeling that I was being judged or becoming an interruption, the sensation was not worth the time. For the low tolerance I have for the negativity and drama that comes out of the mouths of others if I wanted to hear that I might as well turn on the television. Drama that half of the time I did not recognize the names of the people involved and needed someone else to explain the whole situation. I was not built for gossip and jokingly stating that I live under a rock, I honestly do live under a rock.

Coming back to having high standards, separation from most people has greatly affected me. To have a handful of individuals I am comfortable to speak my mind with and completely know that I can take them into account, does not leave a lot of room for new people to come into my life. But this is not a reason for why I do not want to meet new people, in fact I do want to meet new people but I just take so long to trust in people that by the time I feel ready they are no longer there. I am constantly missing my window of opportunity and I have been beating myself up because of that. I have been on dates, I have not been entirely unknown to what it is to meet a guy and share a few words with but then I have this gut feeling. The feeling that he is not the one so I slowly back out until the point where I find myself avoiding and or not talking to him. When I imagine a relationship, I imagine someone who is there to stay not someone that can simply have a great time and be dumped the next week or so because they got bored of me. I will be honest, I am high maintenance because of my emotions and how sensitive I am that may cause people to not tolerate me but because of my strong bond to those emotions I find that to be one of my greatest strengths and one of my greatest downfalls. For the way my emotions move me, I can provide so much love and support but this also depends if he is able to handle the amount.

The other day I was with a pair of friends heading to a pizza place for lunch and somehow the conversation of what the ideal guy came up. I remember I stated that I had weird taste in men and I already knew that I was going to be asked to elaborate as to what I meant as weird. My weird taste of men consists of someone who has a passion for all the things they hold valuable to whether it is to serve the country or be deeply wrapped into the major of their choice, have a great sense of humor but is able to tell where the boundaries are, supportive and pushes me to do my best, and sensitive that he is not afraid to tell me what is on his mind regardless of what masculine social norms have to say. He does not have to look like a Ken Barbie doll but I do want him to be able to completely trust in me as I would completely trust in him. I want him to be successful, he does not have to be successful when I meet him but I would want him to get there. I know that I do have a lot to offer, I know how much baggage I am carrying even if I do not show it, I know how extremely private I can be to those who do not know me, but I do not need someone to complete me. I simply want someone to join me on this journey of life so I have someone to share memories and moments with.

Do you think having high standards is a bad or good thing to have?

xx Chavelita

Hello!

Is this Isabel? No she disappeared for almost two months... Yeah so turns out that writing every week was a lot harder to do especially when you are a college student who wants to get the right amount of sleep, get good grades, and still be socially involved on campus but obviously I was not thinking clearly. So as a way to forgive for my absence I will let you in all the deets that have been happening in the past two months.

I joined a student organization that I actually take a part of so for those who say that I stay in my room too often well guess what, I'm barely in my room anymore. Joining Mentor Tech Student Organization has probably been the greatest mistakes I have made. Wait mistake? Yes a mistake... You will probably shake your heads at me. Well first of all I was already part of the Mentor Tech program at my university which what they do before anything is that you have to apply but after that you set up your own profile that includes your name all the way to the interests you enjoy to do on your free time. Then after setting up your profile the people in charge of the program will match you with a mentor who shares the same qualities as you. After all the waiting and matching, you are then assigned your mentor and they basically help you out during college which for me I thought was such a wonderful idea especially since I am known to grow really anxious in new settings and where I am not familiar with about 99% of the people here. Coming back to why joining was a mistake is that I was invited to a meeting which I thought it was for the Mentor Tech program but it turns out that what I signed up and paid membership for was for the MENTOR TECH STUDENT ORGANIZATION, now don't ask me why that did not click to me at the time that the names were different but to me I thought I had already joined this organization and that the meetings were mandatory. But nope... Yet this was the greatest mistake I have made because now I do community service just like I would do in high school yet they're better community service projects. For this semester on Fridays I have actually been mentoring high school students at a local high school here and my goodness guys I really love my Fridays because of this. Adopt-A-Class (that's what the program is called) has taught me so much, opened my mind to so many new things, and I am starting to understand more. I will take you on a little history trip because I think it will help you understand why I love teaching my students. Okay so right now, here in Lubbock, Texas, the school district first of all is different from my hometown. In 1979, the Lubbock Independent School District was desegregated. Let that sink in, because even though 1979 was 36 years ago that is still recent for history. And so when you cross I-37 here you can actually see the separation distinctively and I remember for the first time going to the high school, I couldn't stop feeling so ignorant for not realizing that just because a piece of paper was signed to eliminate segregation that doesn't mean that segregation no longer exists. Although the issues may not be seen explicitly, they are there. On that first Friday I can also recall telling my roommate about the segregation and she had no clue what I was talking about or that there was like this invisible line of separation still visible. Just seeing this though kind of made me love Lubbock a little bit more because this is different from anything I have seen and you're probably looking at me like I have lost my marbles, but now I get to see how two cultures can live true to themselves in the same city and that I get to be part of that culture mixture.

Did someone ask about boys? I have no idea how to begin this story. Alright so on Tuesdays I finish class at 12:20 for the day, which is why I love Tuesdays, and so usually I study whenever I can because exams here pop up like weasels and I like to be prepared. So normally the dorm is quiet because most of the people on my floor or either in class or still sleeping but then the CA that lives on the hall adjacent to mine starts knocking on our doors. As I peek my head to see who it was, the CA gives her long schpeel that my Texas Tech was holding A Tunnel of Oppression. In other words, what they did was that they decorated the ballroom like a tunnel where it was dark but enough light to give focal light to the skits that were hold in different sections of the room. I do not know if I told you already but I am really oblivious when someone likes me or find interest in me, you can probably give out big hints to me and I will still not catch on. Anyway after the skits we had to debrief and discuss what we just saw. As I was leaving, barely reaching to the door this tall guy turns around and said his name, complimented me by saying I was pretty, and asked me for my number (in which I gave to him). Then he said he was going to text me later. I kid you not, I couldn't stop laughing that day because I was having one of those moments like in the movie, Beyond the Lights, where Kaz tells Noni that he sees her, like this guy saw me. Not because of my height, but because I was pretty and that boosted my self-esteem and confidence immensely for the whole entire week. I am normally the girl that guys get to know me but only want to remain friends with. Even though our friendship remained short, I will still remember that moment. If the guy finds my blog and reads this, I want to tell you thank you, you definitely know how to make a girl's week.

In the month of October, I want to say that my roommate and I have gotten a lot closer than we were in the beginning of the semester. A part of me thinks it was because this is her birthday month and we have been relying more on each other. Okay, October 21st it was my roommate's birthday and since she was not able to drive back to her hometown I thought why not spend it together, doing the things that she enjoys doing which is doing crafts? After my Statistics class we left to go to different stores, first we went to Plato's Closest. Keep in mind that this is my first time so I was pretty curious to see what I could find. Just as I was getting in line to purchase the two shirts and necklace, a little boy around the age of five asks me, "Are you a kid or a grown up?". In which I thought, where in the fly did this kid get this question and right after that I wonder, well what exactly am I? I am too old to be doing childish things but I also don't feel like a grown up because I do not even know how to file my taxes or understand the whole concept of the stock market. Then he asks me again probably knowing that I was secretly trying to pretend to not hear him, "Are you a kid or a grown up?" Then I finally answered, "Well I am not a kid but I am not an adult either..." and I am just really grateful that his mom was next to me because she intervened and I was able to escape the kid before he started to interrogate me. I thought that was a great way to start the birthday adventure. Afterwards we went to Goodwill to see if we can score a few gems that people no longer wanted. Punching in the direction of the nearest Goodwill we had no idea what we were awaiting for. As we arrive the parking was gated and when I mean parking I want to say it was more like a almost solid with a bit of pot holes of compressed dirt. I looked at my roommate and we kind of just sat there hesitantly in the car debating whether we should leave or overcome our fears and go in. Swallowing that fear, we got out of the car and started heading into the entrance. I will not lie, I thought I was going to get mugged but I was also excited to be stepping out of my comfort zone which motivated me to move quickly to the door. Staying close to my roommate, we searched for room decorations. I left with nothing but my roommate picked out a few frames and a mason jar so as my roommate was paying the lady in front of us was carrying a rug the size of her. Watching her struggle, I decided the least I could do was open the door for her. While she was thanking me for helping her, she comes closer to me and says, "I asked the guy to help me but he said no. What a bitch." with a puzzled look on my face wondering if I heard correctly I nervously started laughing and in which I reply, "WOMAN POWER!" out of all the things I could of said I had to say woman power... This is why guys I shouldn't be placed in these kinds of situations. Though this day ended up being amazing because not only was I introduced to my roommate's other friends but for that day I actually felt a bit more grown up than other days. I was able to make my own decisions, say my own thoughts, and experienced a bit more grown up related topics all without wearing any makeup. College is most likely maturing me both mentally and physically which I am feeling quite bittersweet about.

College gets me so pumped, honestly. Even though I struggle getting out of bed, I do end up having a fulfilling day filled with new experiences and yeah I do get homesick but I seriously feel like college is my path to success. Just to be able to have that reassurance and goal, motivates me to complete more with my life. Making new friends, strengthening my bonds with already made friends, seriously makes a difference in college. Feeling alone is something I experience a lot but my friends whether they know it or not fill up that empty gap and I am forever grateful to meet such lovely, hilarious, caring people. College for sure makes you or breaks you, but if you put your all I am still rooting for you. That college life is not easy, but it's possible even if it takes one sleepless night out of the week to catch up with homework, friends from your hometown, or your blog.

What have you all been up to? I missed you all!

(Me visiting Buddy Holly's with my friends, but that will be another story!)

xx Chavelita

Building blocks

Well for about a month now I have been living on my own with my college roommate and there is just not one day where my parents crosses my mind. Like the Saturday of my first college football game (which was such a spectacular experience to encounter) I was ironing my white shirt since the whole school was going to white out the opponent and well as careless as I was, I plugged in my iron into the outlet, turned up the heat, and left the iron laying faced down onto my bed sheets. Before I had time to realize what a mistake I had done to leave my iron faced down on my bed sheets, there was already a hole in my bed sheet from the heat. The hole would of been fine if only the hole was not right smack in the middle where I slept. Right after I got upset at myself for burning my newly bought bed sheets, my immediate thought was my mother getting upset for being forgetful.

Which brought to my attention that even though I do not live with my parents anymore, they still are a big factor, they are still a part of me. I look in the mirror and I remind myself of my mother. How we both seal our emotions away from people until the seal breaks, the way I worry about so many things that may not even involve me, how we remain consistent in our choices when we have to choose a restaurant to eat which normally ends up in either tacos or enchiladas at the end of the day, and how we look for approval in each other when buying clothes that are a bit out of our comfort zones. Then on the other hand I find myself joking around with people I barely meet, acting tough when in the inside I am scared to death, helping people to the best of my abilities, and being the one who listens and gives advice to my friends, reminds myself of my father and how much he would do these things while I was growing up.

This reminds me a lot about what I have learned at mass one day that because of our culture we sometimes do things the same way of our caretakers because that was just how things were done growing up. Which I agree because since we were little our parents (or guardians) have been our role model, teaching us how to speak in their native tongue, learning about traditions that we probably didn't understand what the true meaning was, how to treat others, basically we are all a reflection of our parents, at first. Then we grow older and we start to question why certain things happen in a specific way and why those things cannot be done in a different manner. On one hand, we begin to experiment and stray away while others prefer to stay with the familiarity. There are also cases where people experiment and come back to recite what they have learned. I want to say that this is how limits are tested to college students, like myself, are placed in their first year. The first year is the most crucial in college and I am now understanding what that all means. Some of us fit in well with our new lives while others run back to what is familiar. Not saying that they are weak, but to emphasis how much culture shapes the lives of people. Culture are the for sure the building blocks to behavior along with the environment one has grown up in.

Just wanted to say thank you to my parents for teaching me how to let go (and for letting me go) and be independent, providing me the support and a well conscious to tell the difference between right and wrong, for the traditions, and for letting me be myself because without those qualities I don't think I would of been writing this blog in the first place.


What is something that your parents or guardians have done for you that you will never forget?

xx Chavelita

College Update

Alright so maybe I fell off of the face of the Earth for the entire month of August, but no one told me how emotional this college transition was going to turn out. So here I will take the time to catch you up all as to what I have been up to this past month until now.

• Cultural shock. Just the atmosphere itself is different. Now I am lucky, no, EXCITED that I get to hear someone speak Spanish. When people would say that my hometown was like this safety bubble different from the rest of Texas, I did not obtain that full understanding until I actually left that bubble. That is the first of many things that I miss about home. I really hope to get over this cultural shock and learn to be able to connect with people here. 
• Food is a responsibility not a privilege. If I want to eat I have to either be able to make it in the comfort of my dorm room (which I don't mind much because that is what I would do at home) or put my shoes on to head out to go grab something to eat. No more laying in bed and get the occasional texts from my mom of whether I want a fried egg or pancakes while I was still in bed. Also remembering to eat is important because as busy as that college life could get time managing is important to schedule when you are going to eat because you do not want to be that kid in the middle of a quiet room with a monster roaring for attention. 
• Grocery shopping is also something that I haven't yet done but I will soon. Now I am going to be that lady who inspects all of her groceries to see if she is getting her money's worth of food. Adulthood is just one curious thing after the other. 
• HOMESICKNESS. Not that I get homesick that often because I force myself to stay busy but when I have those times to reflect over my day, you can't help but miss your parents and your friends. On my first time going to church alone, I couldn't stop thinking about my mom and all the lovely people who I would see every Sunday. That was probably my biggest bump in the road but at least I went to church and continued moving forward. It's still a part of who I am even though I am starting a new chapter in my life and I think it's fine to be homesick so long as it doesn't get in the way of the actual studying and learning part which is the reason why I left in the first place. 
• So many acquaintances, but still no friends. I have met so many people and seen so many people in these two weeks of school and it's so refreshing to be seeing people from all parts of the world speaking in their native tongue. So far I have not made any friends that I spend time on a regular basis outside of classroom hours (excluding my dorm roommate) but I am still trying to remain optimistic that I will soon find my people and be more comfortable at my campus.
• I am now a Research Assistant in the Psychology department. Before I had left for college I received an email from my psychology major adviser stating that there was research assistant opportunities open since those who were research assistant are or already have graduated and needed new people to come fill in the spaces. At first I thought it was a long shot to apply for one of the positions because I honestly had no clue what I was getting myself into but my mentality of college being the time of experimentation I submitted my application. A few days after I had started my classes, I received an email from the person in charge of the study asking when was a good time that I could meet for an interview. Here I am thinking that, alright everyone gets interviewed it's reasonable because they don't want to blindly accept someone without knowing a few things about them. On that Friday (which was last week if we want to be more specific) of my interview I actually tried on my appearance, straightened my hair, applied makeup, ironed out my shirt, I wanted to make a good impression. Arriving there 15 minutes before my interview I was mustering the courage I had to actually knock on the door because I was already waiting outside the door. Turns out that the interview went a lot smoother than I expected, all the nervous feelings I had kind of just remained outside of the door and the interview felt more like a casual conversation between the graduate student who was interviewing me and myself. What stood out from the whole interview that he normally does not get undergraduate freshmen applying for research assistants this soon into their college career but that my application stood out. I STOOD OUT. And well he also told me that normally he does not pick freshmen for the position but he chose me. ME. I couldn't have felt any more prouder in myself that day. I am starting this Tuesday and I am pretty excited as to what I get to do.
• Am I scared? A constant question I ask myself, but I can't quite decide if I am really scared to just be in a new environment handling different situations or I feel more independent but just wishing to have someone that tags along with me so I don't feel as lonely. For the most part, I don't think much about the thought of being alone and doing things for myself. Perhaps this is the major turning point to teenager into the starting of adulthood. I know that if my mom was still around I would stay near here but it's kind of hard when we're 335 miles apart from one another. You come to that point that you just stop thinking about the things that are not important and actual pinpoint want needs to get done and you do it. No one is going to be telling me,  "Isabel, did you do your laundry?" "Did you eat?" "Have you showered?" "How about that homework?" It's all on me (not that my parents had to constantly ask me these questions) but it feels great, I feel like I am more in control of my life. 
• Limits are well tested. Now that I don't really have a comfort zone anymore because even in my dorm room I am not completely by myself with my roommate, your limits are tested constantly. As frustrating as there is no comfort zone to run to and take cover, I am now obligated to speak and share my ideas. I have spoken up when I need to and I have been speaking with people that I barely know which is a big step for me since I like to keep to myself. So I have this logic that if I keep talking, I will soon find that one friend. 
• Speaking about roommates... We actually get along pretty well! I only have one roommate, and I am really blessed that she is my roommate because even though she may not know it, she is the only person who listens to me here at school in person. To have that opportunity to speak to someone personally about one's problems or just something on my mind, I think that is how I am keeping myself emotionally stable here to be honest. 
• Dorm room is a bit snug but it's comfortable and for that I can't complain. I have mixed feelings about having a dorm room that is almost at the end of the hall away from the elevators but at least I am closer to the stairs so in case of any emergency that results in evacuating the building I have that leverage. I am still getting used to having to walk around everywhere with my keys, I am surprised that I haven't locked myself out of my dorm room yet. *knock on wood*
• Communal showers are not bad at all! Even though I shower in my cheap flip flops everyday, I can't complain about the communal showers. There is nothing embarrassing about them either because just as a bathroom is made for everyone (in this case the ladies bathroom) has their business and does their business and then they leave. All the girls who I have been in the bathroom with have been respectful which is a plus side. There is enough space to not feel so cramped in one shower stall and there is also enough space to change clothes. THE SHOWER STALLS CAN CLOSE WHICH MAKES ME FEEL A WHOLE LOT SECURE. So yeah and the toilets are clean, thankful for the cleaning ladies they do such an amazing job keeping those bathrooms clean.
• Football games? Even though I may go by myself, I am planning to go to my first football game next Saturday (we had our first football game today) but I want to go the one next week because I play against my brother's college and I want to be there when I kick his butt! aha

For those of you who are college freshmen just as myself we are in this together! I wouldn't be surprised if you can entirely relate to what I have been feeling in just these last few weeks. For those who are planning on going to college soon, just know that college isn't as bad as you think it will be. I still have those fears but I am sure you will be fine. Things just take time to settle in so take your time and take advantage of all those opportunities that you see and hear about! You will soon find your people!

How was your first weeks as a college freshman?

xx Chavelita

Day 30: Remember to open your eyes

There is always the time between eleven p.m. and one a.m. that my creative juices tend to flow out or more like my brain is just too tired to keep itself within its boundaries that my mind wanders off. Not all nights this happens but yesterday was one of those nights where I felt tired but I was not quite ready to fall asleep yet. Scrolling through social media I find a picture of my friend's drawing that instantly sparked ideas of things that I wanted to draw but I was not quite sure what yet but somehow I came up with the quote, "Remember to keep your eyes open" and started to draw the first thing that came into mind. One of the most valued features while I draw are eyes, which is why for the most part when you see any of my drawings their eyes are bigger or more centered attention than the rest of the drawing. Not because I enjoy drawing the eyes more than anything else, but eyes can be drawn in so many different ways and can shape the expression of the drawing. Big opened eyes can preview vulnerability and innocence while small eyes could express confusion or anger. Eyes allow to speak for itself and it's brilliant to say that eyes could tell so much more with just a glance.

When I was thinking about "Remember to keep your eyes open", I found it to be a reminder for myself to seek the possibilities out there and stop being afraid to take risks that may have a chance to change my life for the better. I also need to start giving other people chances who actually want to get to know me instead of being dryly sarcastic and disconnected. When I was younger, hugging and showing affection to people was like a piece of cake. I didn't think about how the other person will react, I simply went for that touch that everyone seeks and held it for as long as I could. Now that I am older, I find this action to be difficult and frustrating. I do want to hug people and show that I sincerely care, to kiss their cheek without feeling incredibly out of bounds. I do not want to miss anymore moments and instead I want to record all of these moments. Be more open to people and tone down a bit of the sarcasm, kind of settle my feet on the ground, and take in whatever it is that is going on at the moment.

You have the ability to change at any given day, at any given time. Do not feel like you have to stay the same person because people are used to the way you are. As many as people get accustomed to who you are, then it is possible for them to get used to the new you as well. So long as you changed to better yourself, then I don't find anything wrong in that. Throughout your early teenager years you're going to find yourself in loads of scenarios that test to see who you are and it's okay if you are not sure. All of these years you have to experiment as to what person you want to be, exactly. Depending on who you are brings in people that share similar qualities, so I don't find it surprising anymore when you find yourself speaking to new people and at other times speaking to a handful of people who remained by your side. Remember to open your eyes and try not to miss out on the good stuff in life. Seek out what you want to accomplish, follow your own path if you have to, look around you are not the only one trying to figure out what on Earth is going to happen next.

What was the last thing you saw that left you breathless?

xx Chavelita

Day 29: Goals for the next month

Most of my goals for August is pretty much college related because that is the month I start my first year of college! Pretty pumped, pretty frightened, but I am still looking forward to what the month of August has to offer for me. Turn a new page, start fresh, meet new people, cultures, finding out more about myself without the influence of people I have grown close to.

1. Settle in college smoothly - I can already feel move in weekend for me to be a whole load of stress on me so hopefully that everything moves rather easily without little to no complications. At least if things do go rather sleek, I will probably spend less time freaking out that I cannot turn back now or not have my parents around me when I feel uncomfortable.
2. Be able to see my friends one last time before we all split into different paths - This is a must because I know that if I go to college without seeing my close friends for the last time, I would simply be sad and have a lack of closure that will be bugging me. 
3. Get back into study mode - The time to put away the Netflix, and settle down to focus on my studies. Only this time I'll try to not let my studies completely consume me and try to get involved within my campus.
4. Try to post on my blog at least once a week - I am not sure I can promise this because I am not sure myself how much free time I will end up having. At least I know on Tuesday's I only have one class so maybe Tuesday's? Maybe it can work out, I can do my laundry and write to you guys. No promises though, I'll try to post whenever I can!
5. Make new friends in college and find an eating buddy - The sooner I make friends the easier the transition into college will be so if I at least make one new friend I will feel fine. Of course, I hope to find someone I can spend eating my meals with and get to know more in depth. I already had enough of eating alone in high school.
6. Celebrating my mom's 50th birthday - Not everyday someone turns half a century, and I want my mom's birthday to be special so crossing my fingers that I am able to make this happen. 
7. Take my dad to eat I-HOP - A promise is a promise, so I cannot wait until we have our own little pancake date before I head to college. 

What are your goals for next month?

xx Chavelita