Day 1: Southwestern Discovery

For those who are new readers, I have recently completed my first year of college. Yay! So long freshman year and here comes sophomore year! And with that being said for the next days of June I will be discussing a few of the moments that I have experienced while I was out in the world figuring things out all in the comfort of my half piece of room I shared with my former roommate.

Early into my second semester of college, I received a phone call from an unfamiliar number which normally I would have not answered but because I am no longer under my parents supervision, I had to answer all of my phone calls regardless if it is a telemarketer that is trying to sell me life insurance at age 18. I answered the phone and there was this man on the other end asking for me which I told him that I was that person, and he continued on saying that there was a summer internship opportunity with my name on it and if I was interested in going for an information meeting to learn more about the company. In shock for the phone call and for being considered as a freshman, I told him my schedule for the following days and he scheduled me a meeting date. Boy, did I really not know what I was getting myself into...

Meeting Day:
On meeting day, I used Google Maps to look up the location that the man on the phone messaged me the night before and since I like to make my first impressions count, I left my dorm with enough time in case I were to get lost but also be able to find the building without having to rush in like if I had been chased by a large dog. (Yes... I am afraid of large dogs but you cannot blame me I am not even five feet tall) I legitimately walked passed my designated building and had to make my way around the sprinklers to get back on track. "Wiggins Complex" the building read and that is when I knew I had made it. I opened the door and advised the lady that I had come in for Southwestern, the company that offered me the internship, information meeting by the man who was named (to protect the staff we will call him Pedro) Pedro. I was instructed to take a seat that they would be there for me shortly but not a minute passed and a man dressed nicely in a suit and tie called my name and motioned me to follow him. The room was dark with hints of light to illuminate the round desk that filled the room. Me along with three other individuals were invited to the information meeting session and as soon as we sat down and introduced ourselves, we were given this green sheet to fill out some questions about ourselves. You know the usual, what is your name, DOB, address to what you wanted to get out of Southwestern. To begin with the information meeting was quite demanding, I felt like I was not given a choice to take notes, I had to take notes and I did not want to know what would happen if I did not take notes. With the mindset that the internship was going to be psychology related because on the phone the previous night I was asked for my major, I decided to let the notes slide but on the contrary it had little to do with my major... Their internship consisted of going to a different state, somewhere that I have no experience with, and sell educational products to families door to door. That should have been my red flag there but I had promised myself that I was going to do more things out of my comfort zone so when they had asked me if I was interested in going through the interview process I said yes. Just so you all know, this interview process gets weirder and weirder because I am pretty sure interviews should not be this demanding. I was given this packet with tasks to do, in fact I still have my packet, and prior to my first interview I had to complete the first section of the tasks. The first section consisted of reading the assigned passages and answering reflecting questions about what I wanted to get out of Southwestern. Oh and my first interview was actually the next day. Who needs prep time? (God help me...)

Interview 1:
Since I had classes in the afternoon the only time I could schedule my interviews were in the morning at 8 o'clock in the morning. Waking up early, I dressed nice, and did my makeup outside of my dorm room where the hallways were lit so I did not have to turn on the light and bother my roommate. The nervous jitters were starting to kick in and all I could think about is what I have done. If I wanted the internship, then I should be proud to be given the interview but all I did was fear of doing well knowing in the back of my mind that this was something I did not want to do for the entirety of my summer. With my head held high and my portfolio held tight, I walked back to the Wiggins Complex for my interview. The same pair of ladies from the day before were there and instructed me to wait again. For my first interview, Pedro was not my interviewer, instead it was the same man who held the information meeting. We will call the information meeting man, Luke. Luke again, was dressed nice in another suit and tie and I am honestly a sucker for nice people. If you are nice to me from the start, chances are that I will be more likely to share with you a few facts about myself and continue talking overall. Being directed to the interview room, the size of the room was smaller than my childhood bedroom, and trust me when I say this because my childhood bedroom is small as it is. A small desk with two chairs on the opposing side had already made the tiny interview room seem crowded especially with the door closed which is how my interview was held. The interview went smoothly, I could be the most anxious person before the interview but as soon as I sit down with the interviewer a surge of confidence overwhelms me. I do not know where the confidence comes from, but I must be taking the "fake it til you make it" phrase to the next level. One of the things that I hated during the interview is talking about my past because I never know which memory to bring up and I also hate being personal to strangers. In the middle of the interview though I was so focused on filling out the reflecting questions that I totally forgot about the passages. So when I was asked about the passages I thought I had sabotaged my chance because I honestly told him that I did not read it and was like, I guess we cannot discuss the passages then... and went straight into the reflecting questions. I am not one to lie so if I do get eliminated at least I know that I was being truthful. Yet other than that, I felt the interview was going great, interviewer was laughing, the interview turned into more of a sit and chat, and just like that I was offered my second interview. I drew a blank because again I did not think I was getting this far but did I say no? Of course...not.

Interview 2:
Prior to this interview I was instructed to call previous Southwestern individuals that have done a summer internship to gain more of an insider of what to expect. A list of phone numbers were in the packet  I thought it was a clever thing to get actually speak with individuals who have done the internship and listen to their stories to be certain if the internship was really for you. The only obstacle that I had to get through was actually making the phone call. I avoid making phone calls unless that is the only option that I am left with. Just the fact that I cannot see facial expressions and talking aimlessly, I prefer to speak to the person in person. At least when you speak to someone face to face you are able to catch the mixed signals in the body language and be able to ask that person to explain in what context do they mean. Along with the phone call, I was given a list of base questions to ask like what was a typical day of the internship, how did their parents feel during the interview and when they have left for the internship, and what they had learned overall through the internship. Most of the individuals that I had called were nice and provided some sort of philosophical advice. It was a little too good to be true, if you know what I mean. Completing the task I prepare myself again for my next interview. My second interview was actually the day after my first interview. This by far has been the most fast paced interview process I have put myself in. I did not even have time to think thoroughly about my decisions because as soon as I made one I had already had to start deciding on the next. At least for this interview it was at 10 in the morning but that still meant I had to dress nice. Arriving in the same location, this time Pedro was doing my interview. Which actually Pedro should have done my interview the day before but I guess something happened that he couldn't so Luke had to take over. Pedro was a large man, not fat, but built large. It was intimidating to say the least. The second interview was held in the same room and we started going over the tasks of the packet. As asked, I discussed about the individuals that I spoke on the phone. Some of them had insider jokes with Pedro that requested me to share with him and he chuckled as I mentioned them. At the end of the interview he had asked me what was the real reason why I wanted to go forward with the Southwestern internship and without warning a rush of emotions overcame me and I was starting to talk about how when I was younger I was always taught what I should do and who I should become. With the internship though it was a way of how I can define myself and prove others wrong that I am much more than what the next person tells me to do. I am my own person and I believe that I should be given the chance to prove myself. I nearly cried answering that question and I want to say that is how I got offered my third interview. Where will I stop...

Interview 3:
Last interview day, I had at least been given the weekend to prepare for this final interview. Which I was really grateful because I was running on fumes by the end of the week. Trying to make it on time to my interviews, on time to my classes, and still do my homework while prepare for the interviews to come was not a walk in the park. Priot to my third interview I was instructed to call another set of individuals for more personal anecdotes and read a small book that I was given by Pedro on my second interview. The book was a tad moving which I guess was supposed to set in the mood that anything is achievable regardless from where you start. On my third interview Pedro asked about the individuals and again I recited what they had told me on the phone. Then the most terrifying part of all came in this final interview. Pedro pulls out this booklet with phrases that the they say to the families that they go door to door to sell. Which was not too bad I just thought he was going to show me what were the common protocol of Southwestern's way of door to door selling but then he asks me to demonstrate how I would sell. As I left the room to demonstrate my poor selling skills to Pedro, a large chunk of my confidence left the room too. After showing how awful I am at selling products, he roleplays one of the premade sayings on the booklet we were going over to show me what was the "proper" way of getting the sell done. So I follow along since again I did not have a choice. I am impressed at how manipulating a salesperson can be with their product, I think it takes true art and talent to sell even the most minuscule needed item. Now just when I thought the interview was wrapping itself, Pedro hands me the booklet and says that I had five minutes to memorize one of the phrases because I was going to copy his roleplay back to him! FIVE MINUTES! The moment the door closed behind him, since he left me alone in the interview room to practice, my mind and my heart were racing to see who would be the first one to make it to sanity. Five minutes go by quick when all you want to do is turn invisible. I had almost replicated the roleplay word for word until I drew a blank towards the end where I had to skip and go to directly from the last point I could remember. Pedro was impressed, at least that is what I thought. The end of the interview came and that is when I had finally told him that I was not going to go forward anymore. He had thanked me for my time and effort, for meeting a person such as myself, and that although he was not sure whether I had what it takes that he still had a troubling time letting me go. Just like that, I shook his hand and I parted.

This whole Southwestern interview journey took a little bit over a week to complete and even through the whole process I was fearing of getting further and further along to being accepted, a part of me knew that this is not what I wanted. Towards the middle of the interview process I was wondering how far will I make it, lets continue to see how far I will make it and that is how I remained to keep going. I ended up not proving myself to Southwestern but more to myself that when you step out of your comfort zone, opportunities begin to rise. Even though most times you are clueless as to what to do with the opportunity when they come without setting yourself out there chances are that the opportunity would of ceased to exist. This journey has taught me a lot more about myself than I thought I knew. I have learned that under pressure I am still able to work well when I am given the right tools to push forward, my comfort zone grew smaller, and that I am more capable than I have thought. In a way I want to thank Southwestern Advantage for allowing to go through the range of emotions to find a new meaning to myself and for setting the bar high for having the most far out interview process I have been in so far.

What was the craziest interview process you have been in?

xx Chavelita

High Standards: Bad or Good?

For as long as I can remember I have had high standards. I would always pick the boxes with the neatest packaging at the grocery store. Pay the extra dollar for a water bottle than to use a local water fountain. Buy clothes by the brand at times because I am familiar with the quality of the clothes and for the fact that the clothes fit my petite body that has always been a struggle of mine growing up. Though these standards mentioned are just to the material items, when these standards apply to people the real difficulty begins to peer out to the open. I have learned to stop being picky with the types of food I have been given but I find to be extremely picky with the people I have encountered over the years. Throughout time I have dropped so many friends for the simple fact that they no longer fit in my life. They no longer became effortless to talk to and with the constant feeling that I was being judged or becoming an interruption, the sensation was not worth the time. For the low tolerance I have for the negativity and drama that comes out of the mouths of others if I wanted to hear that I might as well turn on the television. Drama that half of the time I did not recognize the names of the people involved and needed someone else to explain the whole situation. I was not built for gossip and jokingly stating that I live under a rock, I honestly do live under a rock.

Coming back to having high standards, separation from most people has greatly affected me. To have a handful of individuals I am comfortable to speak my mind with and completely know that I can take them into account, does not leave a lot of room for new people to come into my life. But this is not a reason for why I do not want to meet new people, in fact I do want to meet new people but I just take so long to trust in people that by the time I feel ready they are no longer there. I am constantly missing my window of opportunity and I have been beating myself up because of that. I have been on dates, I have not been entirely unknown to what it is to meet a guy and share a few words with but then I have this gut feeling. The feeling that he is not the one so I slowly back out until the point where I find myself avoiding and or not talking to him. When I imagine a relationship, I imagine someone who is there to stay not someone that can simply have a great time and be dumped the next week or so because they got bored of me. I will be honest, I am high maintenance because of my emotions and how sensitive I am that may cause people to not tolerate me but because of my strong bond to those emotions I find that to be one of my greatest strengths and one of my greatest downfalls. For the way my emotions move me, I can provide so much love and support but this also depends if he is able to handle the amount.

The other day I was with a pair of friends heading to a pizza place for lunch and somehow the conversation of what the ideal guy came up. I remember I stated that I had weird taste in men and I already knew that I was going to be asked to elaborate as to what I meant as weird. My weird taste of men consists of someone who has a passion for all the things they hold valuable to whether it is to serve the country or be deeply wrapped into the major of their choice, have a great sense of humor but is able to tell where the boundaries are, supportive and pushes me to do my best, and sensitive that he is not afraid to tell me what is on his mind regardless of what masculine social norms have to say. He does not have to look like a Ken Barbie doll but I do want him to be able to completely trust in me as I would completely trust in him. I want him to be successful, he does not have to be successful when I meet him but I would want him to get there. I know that I do have a lot to offer, I know how much baggage I am carrying even if I do not show it, I know how extremely private I can be to those who do not know me, but I do not need someone to complete me. I simply want someone to join me on this journey of life so I have someone to share memories and moments with.

Do you think having high standards is a bad or good thing to have?

xx Chavelita

Day 11: What happened?

I have the words, but how am I supposed to say them?
Collection of letters only to have it all lost
With only a few days left by the hem
How silly must it feel to be waiting to defrost

From a person who forgot how to smile
I wonder what happened
Was simplicity fading away with each mile?
Or did they trade in their smile hoping for something less dampened?

With these days slowly ticking
From what I used to be and transforming into what I am now
My waiting is flickering
And with time I will disallow

No more what if
No more useless I love yous
From a person who leaves me naked
To defrost in the middle of June

For whatever value brings
Do not take defeat
Shield away from the swings
That love could appear to be bittersweet

Only when I see
That me can be I
Give myself away
To the one who deserves

Me.

xx Chavelita

Day 8: The struggle is real

As bubbly as I can be, I do hit those dark moments of struggle and although I try to limit those moments they still sneak up on me. No matter how hard you attempt to repress, push away, or ignore the problem they come out stronger than the first time you experienced them which is what I have learned the hard way. So before the problem worsens try to find a person you deeply trust and tell them, you will thank yourself later.

For quite some time I have struggled to display my emotions to other people. There has been several moments where I would just not allow people to see me broken and vulnerable because I did not want people to change their idea about me. I thought that crying in front of people was a sign of weakness and while I would cry I felt bad because I would think my problems were not even that bad compared to what other people are going through and have to live with on a daily basis. And boy was I terribly wrong... The moment my mom started crying when my grandmother had passed away, I had broken down as well but instead of running to go hug her I had ran away to go cry on my own by the stairs in front of my house. The moment when my teacher announced that she was leaving back to her hometown I also left to cry in a restroom stall for a good solid five minutes. The worst one yet was the day when my dad was deployed and I actually cried multiple times during the day but I don't think anyone noticed because I did not allow myself to be seen. I have come to a point where I just felt like I was numb emotionally, I would wake up gaze around, get ready for school and linger in the hallways just to get through the day where I can go home and get into bed. Not that I didn't care about others and what was going around me, but I was really disconnected with my surroundings. I would sometimes think that I had depression but since I didn't actually see a doctor I wasn't evaluated. I really needed help and wanted help but I wasn't sure where to begin. All those times where I spent alone feeling horrible and miserable even scared that someone was going to catch me slipping away, I still wished that someone found me, scooped me up, and just held me. I don't even think it was because of the fact that people were leaving and life was changing rather quickly for me that I didn't know how to deal with it but more so it was a collection of unresolved stress, negativity, and excessive thinking that consumed myself and I do not feel proud for this former part of me. You should never let anything consume you to the point where you do not feel anything.

I remember when my dad was cleaning the garage and packing his things to prepare for his deployment I pretty much let go of everything I was holding on to. Took all the courage I had to tell my dad what was going on with me or at least tried to explain what I was feeling. There was this relief that now instead of carrying everything that I had, I had someone helping me carry my heavy baggage. It's not easy climbing out of the cracks as one continues to fall deeper and deeper into their own misery, but when you have company things begin to lighten up.

So what have I learned? That it is okay to feel sad, IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD. We are human and we are no where near perfect so of course when events come out of the blue don't be ashamed if you find yourself crying or freaking out. Life did not come with instructions so don't feel like you need to know everything that is going on with your life. Everyone on this planet is winging life this very moment. Your problems do matter, never underestimate your problems and never place your problems on a scale because even if you win the prize is not something you would to be proud of having on display. Do seek help if you cannot find a solution. Please know that someone does care and love you for who you are so don't feel the need to protect them from yourself. Remember that they picked and stayed with you for a reason. I actually treasure most when people can be completely honest with me through the tears, the swearing, and screaming, do what it takes to get those ideas out of your head. Just make sure that you do not mistreat the person that is listening to you because for the most part it's not their fault.

What is a struggle that you overcame?

xx Chavelita

What I learned in high school is...

As some of my readers are in high school already or about to go to high school, one thing that I wished that was given to me was tips or at least pointers that could benefit me in school. Being the youngest out of my two brothers and I did spend a couple of years on my own as I transitioned from elementary school onto middle school and from middle school to high school. What I have come to notice that the majority of the struggles and lessons happened when I spent those transition years alone since I did not have my brother to look after me and to constantly have me in check. And what I have learned is...

1. Take risks, join as many extracurricular activities that you possibly can because those are the moments where you learn more about your social abilities and techniques to work with others. Involve yourself in the school and do not be afraid to challenge yourself to take higher courses. 
2. Apply to colleges and scholarships as soon as you can! I started applying for college around September which allowed me plenty of times to gather all the required documents the institution needed to complete the application process. And with scholarships as well, familiarize the criteria needed because you will most likely have to write a personal essay and you would want time to write it without having a deadline haunting you.
3. If you know the answer to a question, do not be afraid to speak up. Intimidate others with your knowledge!
4. Be open to make friends, now I am not saying that you should hang out with everybody but at least get to know your peers in that way you know more or less what kind of groups you find yourself comfortable to be in
5. There will be crushes and IT IS PERFECTLY FINE! Enjoy them while they last. I will tell you all in that in all my four years of high school I had only fallen for this one guy my sophomore year and I thought we were going to become something but we never did. I feel like crushes make you alert about qualities that you would not have guessed were there about you. 
6. Makeup can you give amazing effects, but just know your skin is as young as it is going to be now so I would only use makeup on special events (besides it blows people away when you spontaneously use makeup! Also saves the hassle of removing makeup before bed and waking up early to apply)
7. People change just as much as ideas could change so allow yourself enough time to recollect yourself to move on from those individuals or ideas. Remember that change is good so long it is to beneficial for yourself
8. Gain the courage to say no without having to explain yourself. You do not have to stay in the circumstances that you are in, if you do not like what is going on and you feel uncomfortable you do have a voice, use it. It is not obligatory to stay in a situation that is only damaging you
9. Please do not hold grudges, I have hold many in the past and they will never leave unless you face them. Be able to speak to people you disagree with especially when you have to work together.
10. Do not be afraid to express your emotions. Cry if you need to. Laugh because you want to. Having total control and confidence in yourself will surely get you places anywhere
11. Talk to your teachers some of the best stories I have heard had all come from a teacher. Their stories have taught me valuable lessons in shaping the person I am today such as whenever I felt like I was doubting myself, simply listening to their own high school stories gives me an insight that it is normal and typical to feel the emotions that are occurring throughout high school
12. You do need sleep to function or else you are going to be walking with your eyes closed wishing you did not stay up so late the night before. If it is for studying reasons usually when I feel sleepy I go to sleep and wake up early before school to finish my homework so that is something to consider
13. Always carry paper and pencils, please do not be the person who is unprepared... It's just something that teachers keep in the back of their minds and I would not think you want your teacher to remember you in that way
14. Driving is a treasuring ability and will make life easier in some cases but yes it is still possible to live without knowing how to drive in high school or having a car
15. Splitting from the crowd will happen and it will be worth it, trust me you will learn so much about yourself when you spend time alone and allows you to reevaluate the goals you want to accomplish and allows you to get closer to the ideal person you want to be

If I continue on, this list of tips will turn into a massive list of instructions which is something I do not want to happen but high school is indeed different. Even graduating in a few days I still feel like there is so much to learn so do not stress yourself out if you do not know the answers to your rumbling thoughts. Usually I like to think that because we do not know the answer to our questions it is because we do not have enough knowledge or have experienced something as powerful as our questions to come up with a solution. Just have fun in high school, try to keep judgments to yourself, and keep your head looking forward. Gotta keep your eye on the prize! Fewer problems, fewer worries. When you graduate it is all going to be on you and what you think it is best for yourself as you face the real world. Remember that.

What are your thoughts on high school?

xx Chavelita

Discouragement is the devil

Raise your hand if you ever encountered the sensation of losing faith in what you believe in? Or to have this feeling that no matter how hard or how much you work to strive for success you still feel stuck? Well I'm going to be straightforward with you all, it's the worst. We try to pick up our loose pieces but we drop them as soon as we see someone else finding the success you were grasping for. Well the only way to get through discouragement is to actually tackle down the problem. I have my waves but the way I manage to get through them is to remind myself of the accomplishments that were completed. If I were to get through those, what makes the the next problem any different? At the moment it may seem like you're climbing up a snowy mountain, never ending and tiresome, clueless as to where you will end up to be. The atmosphere so thick that you cannot see in front or in back of you but you keep pushing forward because we have this mentality that we've made it this far that to give up seems like a waste of effort. 

To friends I've been telling them to believe in themselves. Yes it is easier said than done, but it is a crucial step to take. A friendly reminder from yourself to yourself. Practice it. Preach it. Sing it. Scream it. Do whatever it takes to get that message engraved into your head. Do not throw in the towel just yet if you feel like something is not working out change it up a bit. Pick your battles carefully and plan them out. Do not just plan one out but a good set of three just in case you change your mind or something does not work out that you have a back up plan to soften your fall. 

Be optimistic. Apply your talents whenever you can, try not to take your failures too personally. I cannot promise you that everything will work out because that would be a lie but I can promise you that the sooner you get up the better. Keep the ball rolling and do not compare yourself to others successes because your successes are incomparable to others. Only you know what those successes are worth. Do not let other things or people dull you or of your achievements. If people congratulate you for them bless their hearts but don't let that distract you either. Just like the book Me Before You, “You only get one life. It’s actually your duty to live it as fully as possible.” (You should read this novel when you have the chance). So yes, live your life and avoid getting stuck. If you do, find a way to get back on your feet. Time is not stopping for anybody so use it to your full advantage. 

PS The new year is coming up perhaps take this time to clean up your plan and tweak it if needed. Change can be refreshing but be careful as well. Maintain a balance within yourself and others. Do not completely isolate yourself from distractions or people but do not get attached to anyone either. 

What are your plans to live life to the fullest? 

xx Chavelita

The storage tree

Lately I have felt this heavy, not necessarily physically but like this weight of emotions on top of me that has kind of been suffocating for a while. It was not until yesterday when I spoke with my Dad did I realize that there was something that I had to change about myself. For that reason I want to share a story that he told me during our talk.

There was once a gardener and a carpenter. The gardener came to work and first he wanted to cut down some trees to make room for his garden but the machine just wouldn't turn on for him. Moments later he attempted to do another task in the garden but it started to rain that interrupted him again from completing his task. It was bad thing after bad thing, and when it was time to go home his car would not turn on so he asked the carpenter if he could take him home. The carpenter said yes because he had noticed the gardener going through his hardships. As they arrived home to the gardener's house, before the gardener went inside the house he encounters this tree on the side of his house. He touched the tree and once when he was done he invited the carpenter into his house for a cup of coffee. Drinking his coffee he begins to see the gardener playing and laughing with his children as if nothing were to happen. Which the carpenter found strange because didn't he experience a troubling day at work? When the carpenter was about to leave, the gardener escorted him out but before the carpenter could leave he had to ask him what did he do to the tree that made him lose all this anger. The gardener then said, that is the tree where I leave all my problems that has happened to me during the day. The next day I go back to the tree to pick up my problems as I go to work but usually its less problems then what I had left the night before. And with that the carpenter left in his truck.

I have always had this issue of wanting to help people and I also have this bad habit of carrying other people's burdens with me. And I told myself, I need my own tree. I need a place where I can put all these troubling thoughts and frustrations in one place, in that way it does not affect my performance in other things. It is not fair that I was affecting the people around me who did not have anything to do with my situation and it was time that I changed that. I have decided to just stay in this neutral state, I cannot force help on those who ask for it and it should not be my problem because honestly it is not my problem. I am not the one having to live through other people's situations, which is why as of now I should focus on what I have to get through and to get done. If people need help, then I'll help but that is if they only ask me for it. I also struggled to find people who would understand what it is that I was going through and all this time I have been overlooking my family for many years. It was not until my aunt told me that why I was telling outsiders my problems when I have a family who knows exactly what is going on. So guys please, do not take your family for granted because when they say they are there for you I kid you not they are there for you. And if that is not the case, usually those who are there for you, are there for you. Be careful who you tell your problems to.

How have you guys been? I hope you guys are all doing well.

xx Chavelita

I don't know what to say

A laughter a day they say 

Could keep the sickness away 

To smile and wonder 

Can create such a blunder 

Avoid the mad, the sad, and the bad

And to just be glad 

My tears lose their meaning 

As more and more are seamlessly leaving 

Choked up in my own words

How wondrous a mind can be without cords 

I close my eyes and I count to three 

Soon I escape to a vast land of trees 

If only there was a possibility 

That one day I could expand this probability 

To be open and accept those 

Who are waiting to be close 

But instead they are placed aside 

Hoping that they would soon glide 

So I wouldn't have to manage 

The fact that one day they don't have to deal with my baggage 

Endless fights that keep me awake 

Of what could of been if I stopped being fake 

Pieces of me scream I can do it 

Though other times I'm left with a pit

How can someone be so happy 

But also feel so crappy 

If life were to give us answers instead of lemons 

Would we be content with the lessons 

So many questions 

Yet I cannot seem to get any explanations

So as of now I remain as myself 

And that someday my life will be found on a shelf 

This poem I wrote last night around 9 PM and at first it all started with the intention of writing a poem. The idea didn't come to me until I started writing, and everything just happened to spill. I called this poem, "I don't know what to say" because lately that is what I have been replying to. I have these moments where you have the words at the tip of your tongue and it's not that you're being inconsiderate but the words aren't there. Well these are the thoughts I have when that happens. I have stories, I just don't know where to begin.

What ways do you use to express yourself?

xx Chavelita 

Emotional health

Ever since the tragic death of my Grandmother everything had soon fall apart, yet it forced me to think what it is that I wanted for myself. This is already a mistake, don't wait until something tragic or heartbreaking to occur for you to make a change in your life because it will take a longer time to recover from it. Not everyone is perfect and I know for certain I am no where close to perfect, but sometimes you have to step back from where you are and view the situation you're in from a larger perspective. The issues that has been occurring between family and still have to carry out my school work it was stressful, and you know what I told myself? That people have it worse than me, that my problems are just minimalistic compared to others and that I could handle it myself. Yeah, slap me on my wrist because I did discuss this in a earlier post. Though sometimes the decisions you commit are at first conscious but you get stuck in this habit that it begins to become a regular and that is when you have to stop. When you feel like you are falling apart and you find yourself crying yourself to sleep, that is a major flag that you do need help. When you cannot necessarily explain what it is that you are feeling that is something you should take into consideration and in my opinion that is the most terrifying experience I had encountered. To not know what it is that you want or how to get it and so it seems like you are stuck, perhaps that's a sign of someone developing depression.

I have this bad habit of not allowing people to see me cry, so when I would cry I would cry by myself. Sometimes I felt better, but most of the time it did not solve the issue because I ended up crying over the same thing. Opening up is one of my biggest struggles, but once when you start peeling away the layer of insecurity you start to find yourself happier, stronger, and feeling genuinely better. I have mentioned this before, that taking the first step is the hardest but you have to think about yourself at times like these because I don't want to see any of you fall into or be close to falling into depression. Depression is one of the major mental illnesses here in America, and from having a great friend who has to take antidepressants they kind of take over your life. When she takes them, the next half an hour or so she is already feeling drowsy. Do not let a piece of medicine control your emotions, start to take care of yourself emotionally. Cry when you need to cry, do not worry about what others think. Want to scream in a pillow or in the open? Do it. Have something on your chest? Say it. You feel like you're alone or invisible and that people do not give you a chance to prove yourself? I am most certain you are not the only one, because I do feel like that a lot. But you know what I did? I stop caring what other people did because I found out that I am much happier doing something I like rather than be part of some sleazy gossip. I started to focus on myself the same advice my great friend told me, exclude anything you can that causes you stress and take it one day at a time. Give yourself self-worth, stop neglecting yourself just to be part of something that you may not and create your own path. It's just like what my Mom tells me, "When you came out of my womb, how did you come out? Alone, right? Well you have already proven that you could do things on your own without the help of others."

Yes we need help but also pick your people wisely and carefully. In this week I have learned that you have a choice you can have one thing hang over you weighing you down, or you can confront it and be released from it. I am very grateful for my Dad, at my moments of weakness he knows what to do even though he may not have the right words to tell me just having someone to listen and understand my problems is enough for me. He told me whenever I feel alone that I should call him and tell him. That is how you should be too, no one deserves to feel like they are alone. I have learned to let go over the things that have been weighing me down and to lean on others when I feel like I cannot handle something on my own. And if I have something to say, I should just say it because most of the time letting it out is better than keeping it in.

Do not wait until matters get worse, solve them as soon as they come. Do not let any person, situation, or event control you. Be considerate of yourself just the same way you are considerate with others. We are strong, we can overcome the things we may see as "impossible" at the moment, we can be grateful for the experiences that has happened that created the person we are at the moment.

You are special. 

(Don't forget that, love.)



xx Chavelita

Bumblebee

I thought you should meet another person I am grateful to have in my life. For privacy, the person I am going to speak about we will call her Bee.

It is almost a year since I met Bee and she has created such a large impact in my life she is probably the one who helped boost my self esteem and molded me into the confident being that I am. Turning my flaws into beautiful imperfections, that makes me stand out from the rest of the world. Normally when I meet people who I am on a professional platform, I do not like to go personal. I was told by a teacher in my sophomore year of high school that, "we are not friends" to our class and that because she had given us her number to call if we had any questions on the homework it does not mean we could text her. That mentality stuck with me, oddly it did make sense at the moment because students and teachers were separate things at the time but it all changed my junior year. I will not lie I was confused, we could not text teachers but joining the IB program they give you their numbers to text them if anything (unless otherwise told that you can't) and I was I actually afraid to text my teachers since I thought it was pretty unorthodox to do. It was not until my friend persuaded me to text her and by the things she told me, perhaps it was okay to do so. It all started with a simple text message and from there our friendship flourished. She started to lean on me and I did the same in return. Her background stories are moving you would not expect stories like that coming from a bubbly person like herself. Though she does apologize a lot for little things which I think may not deserve an apology. I could say she is part of my family she is tied between the big sister or an aunt to me including her beautiful children. I can tell her anything and it would be casual which is one of the things I love about her. The little moments when I do have her for myself I find myself laughing and listening to her stories since I do not talk much, I believe there is hardly ever an awkward moment with her. Anytime spent with her makes me happy.

One of my favorite memories I had with her is when she took me to one of her presentations and when she took me back home. We spoke at my drive way for an hour or so in her car. I was surprise to say that my parents did not realize that I was out til 9 on a school night even less in the drive way so technically I was at home just not in it. It is probably one of the simplistic memories I share with her but I just love how quiet the night was. No distractions and it was just us two spending time together sharing our own memories. It was also the day I gave her a rosary in her favorite color and the moment she opened her gift, it was like Christmas morning. Her face was glowing and astonished that she even gave me a hug (we had never hugged until that day, I'm usually the hugging type of person but I somehow grew uncomfortable to hugs).

Bee is one of my inspirational role models, against the odds she still finds a way to tackle on the day with her work, caring for her children, all on her own. With her charismatic attitude, beautiful smile, and her perky lipstick this lady is going places! I'm honestly having a difficult time writing this blogpost since I cannot fathom the words to describe how wonderful she is. You have to meet her for yourself to understand the emotions I am going through. I love you, Bee! Continue being the person you are, accomplish your set dreams and I am sure the right one will come along and sweep you off your feet!

This is why I am telling you that you should give everyone a chance, you will never know who you will meet and have your life changed.



xx Chavelita

Sink or swim?

Today's dream inspired me to talk about support systems such as family, friends, animals, etc. 

Last night I dreamt about being in a house that most of my family (my extended family) was lounging around in the dark chatting around and the only source of light came from the light posts from outside. We decided to take a walk and I was walking alongside my Mom when a deer approached us from the behind. The deer slowly came walking towards and suddenly came charging at me who was almost about to strike me across the forehead with his legs. And whenever you're about to get hit you embrace yourself before you actually get hurt so you somehow close your eyes and wait for the strike? Well I was expecting it but my Mom blocked the hit for me, scared off the deer, and took me to the hospital (in which in the dream I had no knowledge that I went to the hospital but I was told in my dream that I went). The rest of the dream we lounged around the couch. The end. 

When you're feeling lonely, in need of someone to talk to, or need help, support systems seem to do the trick. The thing about a support system is that it can be made through your own adjustments so it doesn't always have to follow the typical family and friends. I have also learned that speaking to your pet can also be as helpful as speaking to a person. Creative methods such as writing, singing, art, etc. can also provide a support system in which you may have trouble expressing your emotions verbally (or maybe you don't want to talk about them) with someone though these alternatives can be just as effective. The goal of this support system is to not keep things bottled in. When you need to vent/rant/talk you should do so, throw out the toxic emotions, and relieve yourself. Holding in tears, telling lies to cover up true emotions, smiling without the sensation of happiness are not productive coping techniques. They become bad habits that can really take a toll in your physical and mental health. You should never pretend to feel fine when you are not, if it takes a day to explain your situation so be it. Sometimes when people say it is a long story half of the time or maybe a quarter they are not even long. Once when you break out of your outer shell, the world seems to be a brighter and clearer place that you may have overlooked throughout the time you've been masking and hiding within that self-produced shell. 

Think of life as this metaphor, when you're at a beach before you get into the water you touch the surface, feel for yourself of how cold or hot the water may be and you watch the waves come back and forth. Your feet begin to sink into the sand. You begin to go in and the water is at your knees adjusting your body to the temperature of the water, but you're still on the surface. A little deeper and your head is the only thing above the surface. Now it's your decision, go in deeper and experience what is out there risking the fact that you may drown or you may swim or go back to the sand, watch the waves, and not know what you could of accomplished if you took that leap? Food for thought. 

I hope you're having a great day and I'll leave you with this question: What do you think the metaphor symbolizes? 

xx Chavelita