Day 8: Growing up with brothers

As told by my parents, I was the last chance in them having a daughter. Before me, my two brothers were born. My oldest brother, Juan Carlos and my the runner up my brother Luis. I can relate to both of my brothers on different levels. With Juan Carlos I can relate to him with my passion to learn, getting a closer relationship with my religion, our quiet but understanding behavior, and always pushing to do the right thing. On the other hand, with Luis I can relate to the way that when he settles on something he has a hard time dropping it. This could be speaking over a certain topic or the future purchases he wants to make for himself, this guy should be on a debate team because he will continue to state his opinion until he is the only one left speaking. Sometimes he can be difficult but he also is really loving and will show you when you have gained enough of his trust. There has not been a day this summer that I have not been given a hug from him. Luis is taller than Juan Carlos, so when he hugs my head is at his chest and I can feel one of these days he is going to break my glasses because of hard he squeezes me! To grow up with brothers has had their good and bad days. Good because they tried to get me involve in most of their activities. There was one time in particular we had new neighbors move in and Juan Carlos was like, we should go say hi! But me being timid I knew I could not do it on my own so he helped me make friends with the girls who have moved in. Then the bad because my brothers would bump heads often. Their personalities are very similar and I want to say that is why they would fight. Verbally fight, but even then I would not want to be in the same room where the steam was being let out. For a certain time I had thought I was a tomboy because up until I was about the age of 7 all I did was play with my brothers. The Beyblades, the Yu-Gi-Oh cards, Pokemon, video games, watching Dragon Ball, Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Digimon... The list can continue my friends. I did have my fair share of Barbies that are still sitting somewhere in my room because my mom did not have the heart to let my Barbies go to charity, so perhaps when I have my own daughter we will play Barbies, but sometimes I had to convince my brother to play Barbies with me. I thought it was only just since I would play with his toys.

Whenever my mom was away and I was left with the boys of the house, those were the days where I also felt like one of the boys. Not that I was forced to not be the girl that I was, but it just felt nice to not think that my gender had an influence of how my brothers would treat me. I was still bullied with their love which is something that has not changed when I am found in a room with my brothers together. It was nice to be the youngest and the only sister, I did not have to grow up as fast as my brothers did and I did not have to share as much when it came to materialistic things. Whenever my brothers and I were left alone in the house, I would always let my brothers open the door if we had a visitor. I did not have to start taking the trash out until my senior year of high school because my brother would do it. Since Luis was a grade level below me when I went to grade school, he would always have an eye out for me. He did not let anyone hurt me and if he saw that someone was bothering me he would sort it out. He was like my big shadow always ready to come out when needed. I know now that growing up and not living in the same location all the time, over the phone I still tell him things that are bothering me and he still responds with "who do I need the beat up this time?". Although he is joking (at least I hope he is only joking now), he still knows how to make me feel safe. While Juan Carlos always kept me on my toes. He would recommend me books to read and help explain the homework I did not understand. Talking to him, I felt I would leave a little bit smarter at the end of our conversations. I never had the opportunity to go to grade school with Juan Carlos because we were four grade levels apart. Lets put it this way, when my brother graduated from high school, I had just graduated from middle school. When I graduated from high school, my brother had graduated from college. Which is why I believe that my relationship with my brothers are not the same but I still appreciate all the moments we shared.

Our childhood was pretty amazing. We have our insiders, we traveled to different parts of the world together and learned different cultures, we have our fights but later we forget that we were upset at each other, and that is something that I feel to lucky to be part of. Even though I struggled to make friends because I was so timid and most of the kids my age were boys, I learned to grow a tough layer from the beginning. I know that nothing is going to change how sensitive of a person I am but I learned to appreciate what I did have which were my brothers. I will never know what it feels to grow up with a sister but at the same time I am glad I did not grow up with sisters. To have sisters I would have to probably to share all my belongings and I am not sure how I would feel about that. To be the only girl, I get to have my mom all to myself to do all the feminine things and I would always be Daddy's girl. So maybe I am not missing out as much as I thought I did when I was younger.

How many siblings do you have?

From left to right: Liz, my sister-in-law, Juan Carlos, me and Luis

xx Chavelita

High Standards: Bad or Good?

For as long as I can remember I have had high standards. I would always pick the boxes with the neatest packaging at the grocery store. Pay the extra dollar for a water bottle than to use a local water fountain. Buy clothes by the brand at times because I am familiar with the quality of the clothes and for the fact that the clothes fit my petite body that has always been a struggle of mine growing up. Though these standards mentioned are just to the material items, when these standards apply to people the real difficulty begins to peer out to the open. I have learned to stop being picky with the types of food I have been given but I find to be extremely picky with the people I have encountered over the years. Throughout time I have dropped so many friends for the simple fact that they no longer fit in my life. They no longer became effortless to talk to and with the constant feeling that I was being judged or becoming an interruption, the sensation was not worth the time. For the low tolerance I have for the negativity and drama that comes out of the mouths of others if I wanted to hear that I might as well turn on the television. Drama that half of the time I did not recognize the names of the people involved and needed someone else to explain the whole situation. I was not built for gossip and jokingly stating that I live under a rock, I honestly do live under a rock.

Coming back to having high standards, separation from most people has greatly affected me. To have a handful of individuals I am comfortable to speak my mind with and completely know that I can take them into account, does not leave a lot of room for new people to come into my life. But this is not a reason for why I do not want to meet new people, in fact I do want to meet new people but I just take so long to trust in people that by the time I feel ready they are no longer there. I am constantly missing my window of opportunity and I have been beating myself up because of that. I have been on dates, I have not been entirely unknown to what it is to meet a guy and share a few words with but then I have this gut feeling. The feeling that he is not the one so I slowly back out until the point where I find myself avoiding and or not talking to him. When I imagine a relationship, I imagine someone who is there to stay not someone that can simply have a great time and be dumped the next week or so because they got bored of me. I will be honest, I am high maintenance because of my emotions and how sensitive I am that may cause people to not tolerate me but because of my strong bond to those emotions I find that to be one of my greatest strengths and one of my greatest downfalls. For the way my emotions move me, I can provide so much love and support but this also depends if he is able to handle the amount.

The other day I was with a pair of friends heading to a pizza place for lunch and somehow the conversation of what the ideal guy came up. I remember I stated that I had weird taste in men and I already knew that I was going to be asked to elaborate as to what I meant as weird. My weird taste of men consists of someone who has a passion for all the things they hold valuable to whether it is to serve the country or be deeply wrapped into the major of their choice, have a great sense of humor but is able to tell where the boundaries are, supportive and pushes me to do my best, and sensitive that he is not afraid to tell me what is on his mind regardless of what masculine social norms have to say. He does not have to look like a Ken Barbie doll but I do want him to be able to completely trust in me as I would completely trust in him. I want him to be successful, he does not have to be successful when I meet him but I would want him to get there. I know that I do have a lot to offer, I know how much baggage I am carrying even if I do not show it, I know how extremely private I can be to those who do not know me, but I do not need someone to complete me. I simply want someone to join me on this journey of life so I have someone to share memories and moments with.

Do you think having high standards is a bad or good thing to have?

xx Chavelita

Day 19: My first love... so far.

Where exactly do I begin? Falling in love just happens without you or the other person realizing, at least I remember I got to the point where I looked forward to the end of the day just to see him because we had our last class period together. When I wouldn't see him I would get a bit sad and I think that is when I realized that this wasn't just some regular friendship that I have had with other people I met. Anytime when we were together I was gasping for air from the many hilarious stories and puns that he would share with me, I had never met someone like him to be honest. We shared so many insiders, we shared personal never to be told stories, I even recall when we were doing an assignment outside of class. He decided, why not pull out my I-Pod touch and take multiple pictures of Isabel like some crazy paparazzi and chase her around the lobby? (I actually wonder if he still has those pictures...) I have met him when I was around fifteen and he was eighteen, and yeah I did feel weird that he is just a few days younger than my second oldest brother but when you're seeing life through rose glass lenses that doesn't really come into the picture. When you're up in the clouds, who would want to come down to face a harsh reality?

On the first day of school, I remember our teacher told us to walk around the classroom and whenever she told us to stop we had to high five someone that was nearby or speak to the closest person. It wasn't until the second or third round that I got to him. He always wore polo shirts for the most part, with long pants, and his white sneakers. That day he was wearing a orange polo with stripes, some good worn jeans, and his white sneakers. Now what he told me on that first day I do not remember only that I was laughing and replying back with something sarcastic. Total respect came from when he followed my sarcastic comment with another sarcastic comment and we both ended up just laughing. I also can't forget that handshake and that same old smile. The handshake so proper because he didn't enjoy slapping hands like some cool kid from down the block.

He was the sweetest guy that I have ever met... One night when I was sleeping he had left me a seven text messaged long message confessing this love he had for me and I freaked out. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before, no one has ever taken the time to actually confess their feelings about me and for once I was also feeling the same way but there was just a part of me that was just not ready yet for a relationship. Perhaps I replied incorrectly to his message but sometimes I wonder where we could of been if I were to say yes,,, He was also the first one to ask me to homecoming because I had told him that no one has ever proposed to take me as a date to any dance, though something came up and we both didn't go to homecoming but I will forever treasure the fact that he asked me and my stomach was so knotted up in emotions. In fact he was also my first valentine... I remember on that Valentine's Day I was not expecting anything just like any other Valentine's Day but when I was in Spanish class there was a knock on the door and my classmate got the door. Then the delivery guy who was passing out Crush can sodas with chocolate kisses on top said my name and the whole class did the embarrassing ooo's and aaah's as the delivery guy gave me my Crush soda, I couldn't help but blush. But that was just the beginning as he said in the message I had sent him to thank him for the soda, when I was on my way to history class he purposely stepped on my shoe and I was ready to tell someone off until I realized that it was him carrying a stuffed tiger. Then told me Happy Valentine's Day again in person. I still have the tiger sitting among my army of Hello Kitty's on my bench.

My God was I so lucky to experience what it felt like to feel wanted and be needed in someone else's life in a romantic manner. Is it silly to say that after a year of knowing him I was thinking what were the odds if we had a future together?  For more than half of the year I met him, he was facing some complications at home that he wasn't going to school anymore but by then we had already exchanged numbers and we were messaging nonstop like chattery chimps. He went through some tough times and in a way I felt like I was sharing his hardships too. I want to think that he told me the major parts that was going on but I do not blame him if he decided to keep some of the information to himself. Near the end of the year he came back only he no longer had the same schedule so we no longer had a class together. Which brought me back to the same position I was in during the school year. I have a sad feeling that was when we were drifting apart and as much as I didn't want that to happen there was nothing that I could do to stop life from happening.

At the start of my junior year I actually bought him a whole pack of Sharpies for his birthday because he had told me that since his father had thrown away his Sharpies, he could no longer do his art in his notebook especially the many koi fishes that he enjoyed drawing. A little later in fall break I was already feeling like something was wrong between us because he started to keep certain things away from me. Which is something that was far off his character, it was not until I found out through Facebook that he was dating someone... When did he meet her? I don't know. How did this happen? I don't know, I thought I was the only girl he was talking to because he was the only guy I was talking to. What did he tell me after I found out? That he was too scared to find out how I would react and did not want to see me get hurt. What a knee slapper, huh?

And that is how my first love came to an end. Not even dating and I was as heartbroken as if we were dating. But either way I have learned a lot about myself during this experience, and a lot about how guys are. Things could be perfect. Life could be spent pinching away your skin to make sure you are awake rather than dreaming for certain things to happen. And as easy as that things could turn out to be they take unexpected turns. Yet what is meant to be will be meant to be and what isn't, will not. Pick yourself up, shrug off the dirt, and try again.Take your time to mend your broken heart but do not forget that there is still a lot more to experience and a lot more people out there to be given a chance.

How was your first love?

xx Chavelita

How much are you covering?

"Who are you impressing today?"

Is like every time I do my hair I am asked that. Wearing good looking clothes? You're asked the same question. Wearing clothes out of your normal style? The question pops up once again. Wearing makeup or putting a little bit of extra accessories on? Exactly.

My answer? I do not dress to impress.

Now that answer may have different definitions.

1. I can careless as to what I wear.
2. I can careless about what people think of what I wear, it is for my self benefit and comfort.
3. Since when did I start to impress others?
4. At least I am dressed and not getting tickets for public disturbance. 

I dress the way I am to represent the person I am and sometimes the person I am likes to change things up a bit. Just as repeating that question over and over again can get tiring, repeating the same look can get tiring. A bit of change is healthy. Being in the comfort zone can get a bit stuffy and we need to get out for some fresh air filled with new ideas. To remove yourself out of the comfort zone is already difficult as it is, so why must someone make it more difficult to question our actions? Do not assume that the changes made is not the main purpose of impressing others or for a particular someone, but more to prove that you are much more than the person people may think you are. And if you are impressing someone, I am sure they will be stunned either way. Wear whatever it is that makes you happy whether it is the new suede pumps you bought, lipstick in the shade of purple, or a tight attire to emphasis your figure. Instead of people implying that you look beautiful/handsome, they should just straightly tell you (come on, why else would they ask?). I think people may ask this overused question is because they wish they could do the same thing you are doing, and that is to not be afraid of wanting to wear what they liked and bought. Just as negativity could be infectious, positive outputs could also strike chords. It all depends on how the person decides to view it though so be patient. They will soon realize that they could also dress to not impress. For now just ignore the question and do not let it stop you, each fashion trend has to start out someway, right?




What is your favorite piece of clothing/makeup/accessory that makes you stand out from others and make you happy?

xx Chavelita

"But I was sure they were the one!"

Relationships can be a bit messy, brain wrecking, awkward, tricky and if you're like me then scary, especially if they're your first one. I was pretty oblivious when I met him because he would simply talk to me and ask me how my day was everyday. Ok... So maybe I was terrible at taking hints but I thought he was simply being nice to me until he sent me a seven page message late at night stating that he did have feelings for me. The point is that when you're thinking about a relationship don't do it because you're simply lonely and looking for someone to fill up that gap in your life because that is not what they are for. A relationship should begin when you love yourself and when you're mentally and emotionally ready for one. You don't want to give anyone half hearted emotions because you wouldn't want the same in return. Be considerate of their emotions and if the relationship doesn't work out then you go and try again with someone new. Take the time you need to get over the break up but don't throw in the towel just yet. Another thing about relationships is learning about yourself, learning from the mistakes that were committed, and learning what it is that you would want to look for in the next person you would want to date. Please do not commit the same mistake as I did by never giving the person you like a chance (we were always each other's crush but we never went further than that) your window of opportunity will close and you'll be wondering what would of happened if you guys did go out. And in my opinion be cautious with your crush because at any moment they can find someone else and crush you (hence the crush) and sometimes giving people second chances will only make matters worse. I have done that and it took me another pair of months to get over him again. DONT SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE. Because you did not work out with someone it does not mean you should try again with the same person who hurt you and hope for the same results of finding the lost love because it will simply destroy the self image you produced for yourself and the confidence you have tried too hard to accumulate when you were getting over them. If you do not have a crush it's perfectly fine, take the time to focus on yourself, try new things, meet new people, do not have the mentality that you will not find anyone because then it will make it difficult to find someone. Relax, gather your thoughts together and love will find a way through everyone in different forms. 

What have you learned from past relationships or crushes? 

xx Chavelita 

Age limits

This has actually been upsetting me for quite sometime. Age limits. When this comes up you may think, "oh sorry you must be ___ years of age to enter" not, "oh, honey but you are too young to even be around those people" and then be redirected to people who do not even bother to acknowledge your presence. Although my parents have not been bothered with the friends I make regardless of their age not everyone is like my parents who accept that. I'm fed up of having to create excuses or have to explain to others that so and so is my friend. Whether you are 10 or 40, if you treat me with respect then I will return the same respect back to you and honestly I find that most of my friends are older than me. The reason is that I find myself more comfortable to be around with, I can connect or at least understand their stories and you begin to see things from a different angle. Not that I have that many friends but if I were to tell anyone that I am friends with someone who is older than me they will give me odd looks and perhaps the same way with my friend's friends. Though being a family member changes the whole situation around apparently. But since when has it been a rule that you have to be friends with people your age? Or why does people automatically assume that you are a parent/child relationship? Or have to be in a relationship with a person around the same age as you? The world does not work that way. Age limits do not exist when it comes to these circumstances. I believe you should be able to spend your time with the people who are very dear to you, who are willing to make you smile or laugh on the horrible days, laugh til you pee on the good days and not be ashamed to spend time with them in public, vice versa. Start creating friendships with those who are not in your age group and I will promise you that as soon as a friendship like that flourishes you will be asking yourself "where have I been?". Get out of that comfort zone, be open-minded and learn more about people who may be different from you (and accept the differences too), and be proud of the memories you create with them. Do not imply something you do not know about.

What do you seek in a friendship?

xx Chavelita