Day 28: From Psychiatrist to Veteran Psychologist

How about that future? While I went to go visit some good friends for the last time before they move out of town, I came across thinking about my future again. Which is not so bad to be thinking about your future, nice to keep those creative juices flowing. Here is how my process of determining my future started. When I was in high school I had gone to Puerto Rico to visit my family and anytime I get to see them is a pleasure. Yet when you do not see family for a long time, they get curious and one of the questions that is never failed to be asked is, "Que vas hacer despues de la escuela?" (What are you going to do after you finish school). At least at that time I had an idea usually I would just shy away and avoid the question as a whole. Well my uncle who is a General Family Doctor asked me that one day I was sitting outside enjoying the sun and breeze. In which I had replied that I wanted to be a psychologist. I was starting to get into psychology because I already knew I wanted to help people in some way and I could picture myself doing that for a good portion of my life. I felt so confident in my answer until my uncle throws in the idea that I should become a psychiatrist instead. This was way before I knew about medicine taking care of the mentally sick so as naive I could be for a fifteen year old I said okay.

Well towards the end of my high school career, I had lost a great friend because of medicine that was used to take care of her emotions. And you know it was not so much how I was treated because of how the medicine changed her behavior but the fact that I was there from the start and saw how the medicine changed her completely from someone I could read from the back of my hand to someone I couldn't find the words to tell her. I am not going to go into much detail but that is when I realized that I cannot go into medicine. I cannot live with myself knowing that if I gave someone medicine to control their mood and they went through the same difficult transition of having their neurotransmitters and or hormones altered, I would probably not be able to forgive myself. Which brings me in to as I went to apply for college. I decided to stay as a psychology major and find another way I can help people without having to handle medicine. I am a strong believer of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), which is therapy to help shape or mold unhealthy behaviors into better behaviors by implementing problem solving techniques and ways of coping with the situation that the person is going through. I rather sit down with my patient and speak to them but I will not be prescribing medicine, I will refer them to a psychiatrist if needed but that is the most that I will do for them in that case.

Throughout my first year of college I had two fields of psychology in mind to specialize in, Clinical or Counseling. Which these fields are more or less in the same ball park because in Clinical it is more research based on mental illness or like the alterations of function of the mind while Counseling you have more of the hands on experience of diagnosing patients. At least that is what I think, these are not the formal terms but for the sake of this blogpost I'm going to keep it casual. So I have gotten myself involved in research to learn more about the different fields of psychology to see if there was something that I was missing out that I would probably like to consider as I get closer to graduate school. And if my lab mentor is reading this she is going to be happy, but I have found Human Factors psychology to be an interesting field. It was not until I got to college that I found out what Human Factors psychology was and I like to refer to this field as like the engineering of psychology. There is just so many fascinating researches happening at my university in this field and I am constantly hearing about The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) and how big of role Human Factors play. Sometimes even I want to fangirl and I am probably the one that is least interested in comparison with my lab mates.

Then I had a conversation with my oldest brother who has already graduated from college about how my classes were going and I do not remember clearly what I had written on Facebook but we got to the topic of Veteran Psychologist. I imagined myself being a Veteran Psychologist and the idea of being one is not bad at all. Growing up as a military kid, I am familiar with veteran hospitals so to picture myself working at one, I do not think it would be a bad idea. I would also be giving back to the veterans and I may also get benefits for working with the government so that would be another thing that I would not have to worry about. I know that I am may be potentially placing myself in a difficult path because of possible stories from these veterans but I am still willing to give it a go. Who knows what I will learn from that experience if I decide to settle with this route in the future.

Overall my love for psychology has only grown in abundance and I am excited about learning more of what other fields of psychology has to offer before having to make my final decision for grad school! I also want to add that you can always change your future, you do not have to settle down with your childhood career or with someone else's idea of who you should be if you do not want to. Figuring out your future is a process that constantly needs work so please do not expect that it is going to come with a snap of a finger or with a rub of a lamp (trust me I tried and it sadly did not work). You take the time your need to plan out what you want to take with this life that we are given. I doubt anyone has their life completely planned out from start to finish so do not be afraid to try new things and to enjoy the ride as you figure out what you want to accomplish and become!

What career do you have in mind?

xx Chavelita

Day 20: Talking

For as long as I can remember, I have been a quiet and private person. I can probably hold a secret for so long that I eventually forget unless someone brings up something similar to what I know. Not sure if that is a talent or not but it does show that I hold a lot of information within me and if I am not asked about what I know then that information just begins to be stored deeper and deeper into my memory. I have always been the listener among my friends. If I talk it is usually when I have something to say, which is what I am doing right now. And you know what, talking it is not all so bad especially when you have a great listener and responder to hear you out. Sometimes I am like a tea kettle, you can pour water in me and I would remain quiet but once when you add heat that is when you are going to start hearing me. Not that I have to feel heated or upset over something to get me to start talking but if you bring up interesting topics or ask me questions, controversial the better, I can speak for hours. In high school I had history for my last period of the school day and while mostly everyone were just dying to get out and go home I would typically stay behind to have intriguing conversations with my history teachers. Since my history teachers' classrooms were relatively close they would just visit each other in their classrooms for group discussions. The topics could range to the most nonsensical topics like having a salad for breakfast to how can recycling have an effect on the environment. The topics were little to no where close to the history that was being taught during regular class hours.

Where am I really going with this? Well talking is beneficial for mental health. When you feel stressed or when you have no clue what to do with the thoughts in your head, it's pretty nice to have that go-to person to spill all the details to. That go-to person could be as simple as your sibling, parents, friends, and or your therapist. There may be a couple of people who take advantage of talking and that I have found annoying that they would talk too much during school but like Shrek said, "It is better out than in." Use your words, speak out your mind, structure your words to portray your ideas, however you prefer to share your thoughts, go for it! You may have the most brilliant ideas or thoughts screaming to be recognized but if you do not share them then how will that benefit anyone? For those who are not as much as the talkers like myself and who does not like to share a lot of the personal details with others, I just think it takes the right person to open you up. Do not feel like you need to change in order to find someone to talk with. Continue being yourself and whenever you are given opportunities to share what you are passionate about you should. You will also find that friend that you can trust with your thoughts, they may be a little hidden (or maybe in front of you the whole time) at first but usually the hidden ones tend to be the ones with one of the biggest hearts. Or be like me and start your own blog!

Have you spoken to anyone today?

xx Chavelita

Day 19: Father's Day

If you have yet to notice, I enjoy talking about my loved ones whenever I get the opportunity to do so and since today has been Father's Day I will be talking about him. My dad and I have always been the intelligent but sarcastic duo. We can have real deep conversations and hold advice sessions and in the next minute go straight into one of those inappropriate bathroom jokes that my mom always likes to call us out for. There are times where we may read each others minds or we can communicate with each other without even saying a word. Sometimes I fluctuate between if I am a mama's girl or a daddy's girl because being the only daughter they have, technically there is no competition in deciding who gets to be what. Growing up my dad has been in the military and me, I was not so into superheroes or Disney princesses, I was into Disney fairies but that is besides the point, so I did not really have that character to look up to and admire. But then I realize, my dad makes sacrifices and helps the country become a better place to live in so shouldn't that be something to acknowledge for? Which is why I still call him my hero today. And it is true when they say that not all heroes wears capes. I cannot compare my dad to the average dad because I feel like our family is not average to start with. To be the strong Latina woman I am today did not simply get up one morning and became that woman. I had to work hard to be that woman. Through the struggles, the fears, the doubts, and the confusion, my dad was there to lend out his wonderful talents as the listener/philosopher I know. I found he always had the right words to say even when there were moments that I did not ask for them. In other moments, he would simply encourage me just because and remind me that I am beautiful who is deserving in the things that I work hard for. I remember when I found out that my first hardcore crush was dating this other girl and I felt my heart split into two. I never really realized how much feelings I have had for this guy until that day. So I told my dad and he did not simply say, "oh there will be other guys, you wait and see!" he sat me down and reminded me of my principles. Reminded me of my qualities and of my one of a kind personality and in other words to not settle for less. I know at that moment I may have been choked up in tears and out of pure frustration for him to not even bother telling me and me having to find out on the internet about his relationship but hey I am just really glad my dad was there to put me back together. I find that it's the small bits of here and there that my dad has done for me that has shaped me into the person I am today. So whenever my friends compliment my personality or any qualities about me, I mentally point to my parents because they were the ones who raised me. And boy did they raise me well.

Happy Father's Day

xx Chavelita

Day 15: Puerto Rican growing out of Puerto Rico

My grandparents from both sides were Puerto Rican and out of my grandparents came along my parents who by logic and genetics are Puerto Ricans too, which in return makes me and my siblings Puerto Rican. What everyone has in common except for me? They were born in Puerto Rico and I wasn't. I am a Georgia peach born along the coastline of Savannah and which growing up made me super annoyed because I felt like I was not a true Puerto Rican but that is not how ethnicity works. I may have been born outside of the island and raised out of it but that does not exclude me from my own culture. I did not obtain a Puerto Rican accent nor do I know or speak Puerto Rican slang, but I at least learned how to speak Spanish by the time I was four or five I was speaking on my own without my mom having to translate for me. Before learning Spanish though I had only knew how to speak in English which to some households that should be the goal until you realize that your own mom does not understand a word you are saying. My mom knew very little English at the time so when I got to speaking language phase of my life, my mom and I hit a language barrier. Yet we learned together through our language barrier because through her I obtained my second language and my mom can now understand when I speak English, even though she would still rather speak Spanish. Depending on where you are in Latin America, Spanish is spoken in different dialects and words are described differently as well. So when I was taught Puerto Rican Spanish I thought I was set and ready to go until I met my best friend who is Mexican and her Spanish was slightly different from mine. There was even this time I was sitting in the car with my friend and we started talking about money and without thought I said "cincuenta chavos?" (Puerto Rican Spanish: fifty cents?) and they all looked at me like if I said something absurd. Then I have realized I basically said fifty boys because chavos to them are either boys or kids. Yeah... 

Growing up outside of the island, many people automatically thought I did not know Spanish because when I speak English I do not have an accent. Which makes sense because why would I have an accent in my first language? So because I was assumed I did not know Spanish it is as if I was not Latina. I remember in high school there was this other Puerto Rican girl in my technology class and I could tell because of her accent. Excited that there was another Puerto Rican, I wanted to be friends with her. I grew up most of my life in a border city close to Mexico so not only did people did not think I spoke Spanish but they also assumed that I was Mexican. And I do not know why she felt disgusted or better than me for having a Puerto Rican accent when I did not. That should not make me any less of Puerto Rican than she is. Which that offended me and so any time I would see her around campus I would just brush her off. Probably was not the greatest decision but then again she should of been nicer to me. 

Another thing about growing up outside of the island is having all of my extended family living on the island. So not only are states are in between us but the Atlantic Ocean as well. I have not visited the island in two years which may not seem a lot but there were times where I would not visit in four or more years. I did not get the privilege to grow up with my primos (cousins) or grow close relationships with my tias (aunts) or tios (uncles) or even with my abuelos (grandparents) for that matter. Which I found a little unfair in comparison with my friends who had family close by but it has taught me to be patient and appreciative for what I have. While many people may go to Puerto Rico for vacations, I go to visit family and what better place to visit family on a beautiful island in the Caribbeans? Every time I go to Puerto Rico is like I am welcomed back home from an extremely long trip and a bit of reality is put on hold and a bit of it placed back because you realize that everyone has grown older and some of the situations have changed. I still feel wonderful though to be connected back with my family where I can talk to them in person instead of through my phone screen. 

Puerto Ricans are everywhere. We can have somehow sense when there is one nearby. You do not have to be on the island to realize who is Puerto Rican because you will know through our personalities. We have been known to be loud, open, easy-going and at times judgmental people. We normally want to have a time well spent. Crack open the dominoes, play some salsa on the old stereo, bring out the cola champagne, and the empanadillas and you have get together set in the backyard. Not the same as having a throwback at the beach but we do what we can. I think that is what is so wonderful about my culture that even from far you will always have a piece of the island with you. In fact I was making these well known pastries from Puerto Rico called pastelillos which they are essentially turnovers with guava paste in side and if done well it's sprinkled with powder sugar on top. Every time I go to Puerto Rico it's just one of those must haves so stopping at a bakery is a must! 

I am proud that I was born to be Puerto Rican. I love my culture, I love my island, I love our Spanish language and even though I fear that I may be underrepresented because I am a Latina woman, there is nothing I would change. And like we Puerto Ricans say, WEEEEEEEEEEPA!

Where is your culture from?

xx Chavelita

Day 3: The Magic Dust (Short Story)

Every day in the spring there was this little girl in the field sprinkling glitter over the same patches of dirt and for days on, nothing would grow. The old man, who was a farmer that lived next door, would watch her sprinkle glitter every day at the same hour but would act as if he did not see her. Until one rainy day, the little girl did not show up. Concerned that something had happened, the old man went next door to where she lived and found her sitting on her front porch with her head between her knees. The older man, with one foot on the step and his cane holding the remainder of his weight, sat down next to her. In silence, the trickling of the rain filled the void. Instantaneously, the little girl lifted her head to find that the older man was watching the rain droplets hit the ground one after the other.

“Can I ask you a question?” asked the little girl as she swatted a mosquito away.

The old man simply nodded.

“Why don’t you plant corn anymore? Momma would always talk about the days she would play in your corn when she was little and you would yell at her to get out. You even told her that you were going to cut her ear off if you found her!”

The old man let out a chuckle which soon faded into the same straight face he arrived with. Turning towards the little girl, he replied with a question of his own.

“Why is it that every day for the past two months you have been in my garden sprinkling glitter on the same patches of dirt? That dirt has not been able to support life for the last fifteen years. And do not go on and tell me that you have not been in my garden because I can see you from my front porch.”

The little girl as bashful as she can be, cleared her throat and answered straight away.

“For two months, Papa has not been home. Momma told me he left for an important job. I thought Momma would be very happy for Papa but she has been very sad and has been sleeping almost all day since he went. Nana just tells me that she is really tired but that Nana and Momma loves me very much. So I thought sprinkling magic dust in your garden would bring back the corn and it would make Momma happy again.”

The old man was speechless. Magic dust? Perhaps no one has bothered to tell the little girl that glitter and magic dust were not the same, that there was no such thing as magic dust. But the old man kept quiet and allowed the little girl to keep her belief in the magic dust. He had no idea that his corn had brought out more abundance than what he intended to. For the past thirty years, the old man has been living on his own and it was not until fifteen years ago that he fell ill and was not able to take care of the farm on his own. During his recovery, no one attended the farm and the crops one by one withered away. With that being said, the old man no longer had the motivation to continue growing crops even with the help of his sons and grandsons. What remained of his farm were patches of uneven dirt.

“Hey mister! Now it is your turn to answer my question!”

The old man nods and began to speak.

“I guess I just ran out of magic dust. Do you think you can share with me some of your magic dust?”

Just like that the little girl excitedly ran inside her house and pulled out a red wagon filled with assorted containers of glitter labeled in magic marker as “magic dust” and before she headed down the stairs of her front porch, she grabbed a small vile of magic dust and handed it to the old man.

“Sometimes I like to carry a little bit of magic dust around with me just in case.” smiled the little girl. 

...

Everybody needs a little bit of magic dust in their life to keep their sparkle.

xx Chavelita

Day 18: Thirty facts about me

Since my introduction, I haven't posted another random facts about me kind of blogpost. Now that I may have more readers, I find it a great idea to retouch and add some new facts about me that just been sitting in the back of my mind. Usually when people do not ask me specific questions about my past, then I will not think or talk about it. Not that I do not want people to know but they are just stored so tightly in my mind that the information does not release as easily as other moments or memories... So here are thirty facts about me!

1. I was born on midnight of July fourth, which on my birth certificate it says 00:01 of July fifth, but secretly I like to think I was born on both days
2. One of my doctors had told me I had an extra rib, so whether that is still a mystery or a fact I still like to think I have an extra rib to explain the cause of my scoliosis other than my turtle slow growing rate
3. I learned Spanish when I was four years old in Puerto Rico with my extended family (I am Puerto Rican fyi), so even though I may or may not have an accent speaking Spanish or English, just know I am bilingual and yes I understand both languages fluently
4. When I was in eighth grade I used to be a reporter for the school's media program and I actually met veterans who fought during Pearl Harbor, I still remember them saying to put our phones on 'shake' instead of saying vibrate aha
5. Maybe I should explain that I have lived in Hawaii for three years (6th to 8th grade) so that is how I met veterans from Pearl Harbor (before anyone else asks I lived in a legitimate house, not some hut come on now this is twenty first century...)
6. I used to be a alter server, a dedicated one too because there was one point where I thought I was too young to be one that I actually started crying when they wouldn't let me one week until the following week I was given the chance to serve. Ever since I lived in Hawaii I would serve at church whenever my name was on the schedule
7. I am allergic to pecans and walnuts (all other nuts I am fine with) I also had a near death experience when I blindly had pecans at a friend's house and started to have a serious allergic reaction which consisted of irritated skin that was swollen, big lips, itchy throat, and in the morning I woke up with swollen eyes. Lesson learned guys, do not think you can fight an allergic reaction alone in the middle of the night, please go to the hospital... 
8. Following the allergic reactions trend, I am also allergic to ant bites so wherever I am bit by an ant, whether it is on my foot or my arm, I will swell up.
9. I haven't reached five feet in height so I am constantly being mistaken for a fifteen year old or younger so I have a memory slot just dedicated to the many reactions of people when I tell them my real age
10. I still do not know how to drive
11. I went to nine different public schools until the time I graduated from high school
12. I visited Mauna Kea on the Big Island (yes there is a cluster of islands that consider to be Hawaii is not just Oahu) which is a dormant volcano in Hawaii, we were so high that instead of looking up to see the clouds, we had to look down and boy was I freezing! 
13. In sixth grade I was given the opportunity to give the class speech but since I couldn't say the word 'cherish' at the time my speech was given to another girl... 
14. In Hawaii my designated hospital was Tripler which is known to be a big pink hospital because I heard that apparently the person who was in charge of ordering paint or the person who delivered the paint was given the wrong color and well one day I had asked my dad which was probably days after I saw the reenactment of Pearl Harbor on DVD that if the halls were in fact filled with patients in beds. Well there was a man who was walking on the opposite side of the hall walking in our direction crossing and I am not sure if my dad asked him my question or if he overheard but he did confirm that actually happened. So I felt like I was walking through a piece of history every time I had my appointments in Tripler. 
15. Last year I saw bio-luminescent fish with my extended family for the first time in Puerto Rico. There was a boat ride to get to their habitat but whenever you would touch the water the fish would lit up in a way that they were like water dragonflies, I thought I was living in a fairy tale for a moment. 
16. I learned how to ride a bicycle in little as five minutes with my dad because I was tired of being the only sixth grader who for the most part was the only one who didn't know how. I tried teaching myself at first in the grass, but my dad saw me struggling and decided to help me out by teaching me on the pavement in front of the house.
17.  I only have fallen in love once but never had a relationship with anybody 
18. When I was about eight or nine I used to sing in the church choir along with my brothers and a few other people (I need to find out where the rest of that confidence went to continue singing in public)
19. For as long as I can remember, I am afraid of needles. No matter how much I try to prepare myself or calm myself before any vaccinations or blood work, my heart is still racing and my blood pressure would be at its peak. The tears never fail either. 
20. I'm good at math, but when I'm adding simple numbers I still use my fingers to count just to make sure I counted correctly in my head the first time
21. When I was little I would cut the hair of my Barbies thinking that their hair will grow back just like mine
22. Growing up I wasn't really into the Disney princesses but I know for a fact that I was obsessed with Tinkerbell and I still think that she's pretty cool. 
23. I always found myself being around people older than me unless I was in school then yeah I befriended people around my age, but outside of school I found friendships with older people to be easier and more interesting. People would tell me that I was mature and wise for my age but I didn't believe them because I thought my thoughts were as normal as everybody else's. 
24. I still avoid people I am familiar with in public areas
25. If you do not know by now, I am a big reggaeton (Spanish rap) kind of gal. I listen to it so often that I get upset at myself for knowing most of the songs I hear on the radio or anywhere that is playing and get really excited and obsessive when I hear new reggaeton music. 
26. In kindergarten, I would actually give my teacher roses because in front of the house I used to live, we had rosebushes that would naturally grow. 
27. I still laugh the same today as I used to when was ten or maybe even younger.
28. I am not afraid of bugs (I once crushed a cockroach with my hand because I couldn't find anything else to kill it with), but I cannot stand seeing dead animals...
29. I had a grandfather from my dad's side who owned a tiny neighborhood convenience shop and it is still running by my uncle, I actually saw it the last time I went to Puerto Rico and has the same original sign
30. I actually didn't mind whenever I matched outfits with my mom when I was little, also I didn't understand what was so embarrassing about looking similar. My mom seemed to love doing it, so why not let her? For the most part I am not embarrassed to have my parents around I actually find myself laughing more with them around. At a young age I was taught to just be myself and so I did. I really didn't understand why some things were the way they were supposed to so I didn't pay attention to them growing up maybe that's why I am not afraid to embarrass myself in front of people because either way I would be laughing along. 

What are some interesting facts about yourself?

xx Chavelita

Day 16: What I miss...

Overall I miss having my family living under the same roof...

Since I am the youngest in the family, I basically saw my brothers growing older and soon leaving the house as they graduated while I still had a few years myself to finish up my high school career. I still remember my brothers and I we were walking to Walmart and on the way there just out of no where my oldest brother was really content that he would be the first one to finish school while my other brother in his voice I can sense a bit of jealousy. Then there was me also jealous and hurt to be the one left out. No one really warned me that being the youngest would be hard and weird because while your older siblings are out there figuring out their lives in the world, you're left behind growing up on your own and even watching your parents grow older as well. I think the youngest siblings are the ones who grow to be more sensitive because we tend to grow more attached to our parents since they're the ones who tend to be there the most.

On the other hand though, there are perks to being the youngest. You learn from your older siblings mistakes and you actually bond more with your parents now that there is more one on one time. My brothers pass down advice to me so that I wouldn't commit the same mistakes they did and told me to apply myself differently and more efficiently in the future. Just growing up with brothers, I grew up with the idea of how men are supposed to treat women and now I am aware of what I should look for in a guy, what qualities to avoid, and how I should to speak to a guy. I learned to become more independent, to be strong, to treasure all the wonderful things while they last, to set my own goals and achieve them. If you were to asked me a year ago if I was able to manage taking care of my mom on my own and vice versa, then I would tell you no, but when you're left with only one choice you end up taking the wheel, winging it as you go.

Just want you all to know that do not take family for granted whether you are living with your immediate family or not, cherish every moment you have together as a family. When you're young yeah it may seem like graduating is centuries away and getting your apartment is another pair of years but trust me when I say this, those years will pass so quickly that you are left with only the memories to fall back on, make sure they are memories worth smiling and crying for.

What do you miss?

xx Chavelita

Day 15: The wildest day

Well the challenge today was to bullet point my day from start to finish, but between you and me I did nothing but lay in bed and wishing for my headache or migraine of whatever it was that was bothering inside my head to go away. Yet I will still bullet point my day and we will both see how much of a productive person I can be.

• I woke up around 9:45 in the morning to the sound of my mom knocking on my door to announce that she had made oatmeal to accomdate the four week diet she has been partaking in
• I got up, took out my retainer (gotta keep those teeth in place don't want those four years of braces to just go down the pipes) and I brushed my teeth. Not sure if I'm the only one who does this about after I brush my teeth I like to give myself a big open smile half reason to see if I brushed properly and other half to make me laugh because let's face it (pun intended) making faces in the mirror is pretty hilarious 
• I had my oatmeal with my mom that I'm surprised to say that I finished the whole serving because normally half way through I'm tapping out 
• My mom left to go to the gym, I stayed at home this time because I wasn't feeling my charming best to be running on the elliptical so I decided to stay and watch a few subscribed YouTube videos specifically The Saccone-Jolys that post their daily vlogs at six GMT which is around eleven over here 
• I had a lie down day in bed and watched Goodbye Life, Hello Sister and was able to guess the typical plot of the movie without watching it so I found to he unimpressed. Which is quite upsetting because I'm finding it harder to watch original plotted movies that have unexpected twists and drops maybe I'm just not looking in the right place... 
• I had flatbread for the first time during lunch time with my mom and I was not disappointed! 
• Then of course I watched One Day again and got easily excited to find out that July 15th was the day that both characters would meet each other to catch up on their lives and well you look at that today it's also July 15th! (That was probably the highlight of my day to be honest...)
• Near 3:30 I gave my mom company as she drove to the local university to go pick up my brother and take him to his referee job 
• For dinner I had teriyaki chicken with asparagus and carrots. I had asparagus for the second time only this time I was actually able to taste the flavor of asparagus and well it kind of tasted like lettuce to me which I'm not complaining. Asparagus tastes good and it also looks like such a fancy veggie. 
• I went for another lie down in bed to finish One Day and still felt the same emotions like the first time I watched it even though I already knew what to expect and I even prepared myself but we all know that doesn't work. 
• Now after eating some creamy peach yogurt, helping my mom put the cover on top of our new swimming pool, I am now watching HGTV shows on Netflix with my mom. 

Yeah my day is as typical as it gets when I don't have any plans and I fall off the radar for a bit. Though I don't mind relaxing days but yeah it does get tiring to lounge around the house throughout the week so hopefully I feel better tomorrow and that I have some sort of plans to take my mind off my random panics of starting college. 

What was the highlight of your day?

xx Chavelita 

Day 7: Songs that bring back memories

Music is like this cycle of stories. First the songwriter plans out this idea of what they want to publish out to the world whether is an idea or an emotion that wants to get recognition from others who feel similar to that sensation or can give feedback to their idea. Then the person listening to the song stems out their ideas or emotions during the time they're listening and produces their own story based on the song whether it's through the lyrics, or the way the song was constructed and those stories remain to be vivid. Here are some of the songs that gives me a full slap of nostalgia.

1. Ring My Bell by Anita Ward - When I was around the age of four or five, my mom had this old black boombox in the kitchen (yes the ones where people would put them on their should and walk around the streets with). Well my dad had made me a CD, my first CD ever, with about twelve tracks with songs that he had grown to listen to and in the evenings I would pop in the CD in the CD player and spend the whole evening singing and dancing to it. One time in particular I had brought a paper cut out of a skeleton from school that was traced with my measurements and since the paper was the same size as me, I would dance along with it as a dance partner. I am not sure my mom has pictures, but I am pretty sure she remembers too. I also had been misinterpreting the lyrics so whenever Anita Ward would sing, "You can ring my bell" I would think she was saying my name and although I have learned the lyrics I still think Anita Ward is saying "Isabel". 
2. Suavemente by Elvis Crespo - This song gives me flashbacks to my Quinceanera that happened in October of 2013 that I had in Puerto Rico and most of my family was there to celebrate my birthday even though my birthday is in July. Well apparently this day was an emotional day not just for myself, but for some of my uncles, cousins, and my dad. As soon as you pull out the Sangria you already know where the night is leaning into. Lets just say my uncle had too much to drink and wanted to dance with me. This song was playing and if you do not know how to dance Merengue, you mainly use your hips to sway along to the beat of the song and you step backwards and forwards mirroring your dance partner. The funny moment was that my uncle told me that I need to put more hip into the song but I had thought I was doing a swell job especially for not hurting anyone and I felt that at what point of the song he was ready to just let me go and dance alone. I guess there is no holding back when you're in the zone. 
3. Better Man by Pearl Jam - The other day I charged my old I-Pod touch that I had used during my middle school times and in my I-Pod my songs fall under the miscellaneous category because my songs differed from oldies to rap to alternative to the random assortment of The Beatles. Before I had left to Hawaii my best friend gave me a going away CD that held most of the songs that we would listen together during elementary school and to keep a back up of the CD I decided to sync the entire CD onto my I-Pod. One of the songs that I remember listening to is Better Man by Pearl Jam and this brings me back to the time when we would sing to anything that caught our attention. Still shy to sing out loud, I remember I had to sing this song on my own in front of the computer where the microphone was located 
4. Fuckin' Perfect by P!nk - I think it's safe to say that during the early teenager years we have gone through the phase of insecurities and lack of confidence and the only way we felt better about ourselves was to listen to music that boasts up the confidence. Lost count as to how many times I would listen to this song but I would say that P!nk has helped me out to get over my flaws and to embrace them for what they are. "Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're less than fucking perfect". Always keeping that in mind. 
5. The Ketchup Song by Las Ketchup - Oh, I don't remember exactly when was the first time I heard this song but I kind of want to say that this song was probably my first Spanish song that I heard. This song is special because my mom would get excited to see me excited when I heard this song and since the song had dance moves I would try to dance along to their music video. One of the few songs that could bring an immediate smile to my face and remind me of how simplistic life used to be. 
6. Any Salsa song whether it's from El Gran Combo to Celia Cruz - If you have ever been over at my house while my dad is around, then you most likely heard him sing. That man has always been singing to Salsa songs and I am still amazed of how much Salsa he knows. Like every song I've heard with him, he either knows the whole song or pieces of the lyrics and then asks me who is singing which the majority of the time I got wrong... So any song that has the slightest touch of Salsa rhythm, it reminds me of my dad which brings me so much nostalgia and happiness at the same time. At least when I miss him, I can play Salsa music and picture him singing and grabbing my hands to dance with him even though I was not the best Salsa dancer. 
7. Any bachata song whether it's from Monchy y Alexandra to Romeo Santos - Bachata songs always reminds me of home (Puerto Rico), when I was around the age of four my cousin taught me how to dance Bachata in her living room. I can still remember having the music playing and my mom and my other cousin cheering me on. Yeah Bachata comes from the Dominican Republic but since the island is right next to Puerto Rico, I still feel a strong influence in Puerto Rico. At least when I am missing my family I can play Bachata music I can imagine myself being there on the island with them.  

Which songs brings you back into memory lane?

xx Chavelita

Day 1: Happiness starts with you

Here are the ten things that make me happy, though I am limited to only ten there is plenty of other things that in which I am happy for. 

1. Meeting new friends/seeing old friends - As I am not much of a social butterfly but I can be outgoing when I am comfortable among people I know, not enough socializing happens to meet new friends on a daily basis. Yet meeting new friends is such a rewarding experience because I was able to come out of my comfort zone and find someone that I am compatible with, so pretty much defeating the odds. Then when I see old friends after years of being apart, its such a warming experience to encounter and be able to notice the changes the person has gone through. Leaves me dumbfounded sometimes at how much puberty, knowledge, and life can do to form a set individual. 
2. Online shopping for new clothes - Yes the indecisive shopper prefers to go online shopping than actually visiting the store because it eliminates the endless amounts of "should I go with this one but that one was also cute..." and the stress and guilt I have placed my mother in whenever she takes me to the stores. At least I have learned what my sizes are for the stores I do shop in so I wouldn't have to worry about returning some of the purchased merchandise. 
3. Having a clean room - No matter how many times I have been told that I should clean my room, I was even banned from my own room with a sticky note on the door that read "Close for lack of maintenance", the motivation to clean my room comes in splurges. Never consistent but when I am in the mood of cleaning and tired of the mood, I actually get it done and its the outcome that brings much happiness. I find it true that having a clean room is like having a clean mind because boy does my stress meter lowers!
4. Receiving messages from people I enjoy talking to - When I was younger I used to be a massive messenger, I remember I was banned from a website I was constantly on because I would online message people so many times. I think on messenger for the first time I confessed my love in the sixth grade ahahaha but now that I am older I don't really message people. I message people when I have something regarding them but normally my phone is a quiet as the night with the occasional crickets. 
5. Any time I spend with my best friend - I have met my best friend in the fourth grade and we are still best friends today which I am really grateful for, so of course any time I spend with her I am having a great moment. 
6. Videochatting with my dad - Since I can't really see my dad in person at the moment, videochatting is the next best thing. I really enjoy talking to my dad, its like we have this telepathic power where we can tell when something is bothering us. I can pretty much tell him anything and hopefully he knows that he can do the same with me. 
7. Visiting Puerto Rico where most of my family live - Visiting Puerto Rico is like a magical place not because the location is beautiful and the weather is nice but because I get to see my family after years of not seeing them. These are the moments that are worth waiting for because when they do happen, it definitely fills me up with such warmth and happiness. Cherish your family you only get one. 
8. Being Latina and knowing Spanish and well basically for who I am - I will forever be proud and happy to be a Spanish speaking Latina. As much as people tell me that I look like my mom that also makes me happy. 
9. Watching movies late at night by myself - This is where my total introvert behavior kicks in, watching movies in the dark is one of my favorite pastimes. You get snuggled in your blanket, maybe have some snacks, and its time you get to spend with yourself. As silly as it may seem, when you spend time with yourself you tend to get to know yourself a bit better. 
10. When people remember the little details about me - I blush and smile immensely when someone remembers something I had said or the things I do not like to do or enjoy doing. Taking consideration of the small details sure lets me know that you are listening, paying attention, and that you do care. 

What are some of the things you are happy for?

xx Chavelita

Scenario: Eliminate the should haves

But do you know what this means? Have you considered about the dangers you are about to place onto yourself? How will I break this to your family? You will not be able to turn back to the life you have grown up to know. All this time you spent struggling to find out what specialties make you stand out from the rest only to realize that those talents are yours to keep. Talents that nobody can steal from you. Everything that you once knew will simply float away with the rest of your unspoken thoughts.

From the look in your eyes I know you had plenty to say I only wish you expressed them instead of having them consume your every motivation. If I were to write a eulogy for you I wouldn’t even know where I begin… 

Should I begin with the day we met? That hot summer morning on my way to my Grandmother’s house and you were just moving into the house next door? I still remember we were about twelve both looking confused as ever when our eyes locked into place for the first time because frankly our neighborhood barely had any new residents.  Our town was only a spec on the map, even with a magnify glass you could barely see us. Of the odds though you were the only person I was able to confide myself to and I am not sure if it was because we both came from tough pasts of losing a parent before we were even able to walk or because you found me crying on the front porch that night when my father had too much to drink. You didn’t even ask me any questions, you only split your cherry Popsicle in half and handed me the other half. We both sat there licking away while the rest of the world was crumbling before our eyes. Even though you did not speak a lot, your gestures did speak for themselves and when you did speak I was always left in dismay. Just like that one time someone decided to vandalize my locker with the words "heifer" and "moo" scattered onto my locker and with the only thought that came to my mind was how much of a loser I was. But then you said…

“Carly, you mustn’t be so hard on yourself there are plenty of people out there who already wants to make you miserable. Don’t be on their side; you have way too much to offer to just have it be wasted in self-pity. Come on say it with me. Team Carly! I am not hearing you! TEAM CARLY!”

To this day I can still hear you chanting “team Carly” and in all honesty you saved my life. For once I was able to remove the blanket I had been using to cover my mirror and gave myself a good look. I wept as though I was in shock in seeing an old friend and smiling and laughing for being ever so grateful of being alive to experience this moment. You were able to find the Carly I had lost since I was fourteen. 

Or should I begin on our first day of school? We were both assigned to the same teacher Mrs. Flowers and as our little joke we would always bring a flower because her last name was Flowers and we would place it on her desk without being caught. Most of the time her desk was cluttered with flower petals but I don't think that had bothered Mrs. Flowers. Being anonymous at that time seemed more exciting and bad butt than simply leaving flowers out in the open. We did things not to seek attention but more to see how others would react. Our classmates always sent out odd expressions in our direction but I didn’t care as long as I was spending time with you. Then during recess I would stand on your shoulders to peer out of the windows to see Mrs. Flowers sniffing the yellow rose we had given her that day and you would beg me to get off as your legs wobbled uncontrollably. We were only kids without a clue that we were making a difference in Mrs. Flowers’s life. 

So this is why I need you to wake up Nate. I need you to know of how much you impacted my life and how much you have caused ripples in other people’s lives. No one knows your story more than you do. To be part of your story is the same as saying that I was only the icing to the cake, but in reality many people come to eat the cake because that is where most of the richness comes from. Your mother right now has been sleeping in an uncomfortable seat next to you for the past three days with a fear that if she leaves, that she may not be able to see you or even have a chance to say goodbye. Please do not make me say goodbye. Please… I am not ready; I should have told you that I love you when I had the chance. I should have known better not to have let you leave my house when you said you needed space. I should have kept an eye out for you to know that you arrived home safely because I know you would have done the same. You were always the strong one. So strong, that not even your best friend was able to tell that you were screaming for help. I am so so sorry, Nate. I wish you can acknowledge how awful I feel for not doing the best I can, I should have done better. I cannot forgive myself for being so careless and I cannot even imagine how terrified your mother had felt when she found you in the tub next to empty bottles of pain killers. I really wish you would have told me about the battles you have been fighting; maybe I could have done something to help. Even if I was no help in conquering I could have been the supplier. Now I am wondering if I will ever see your dark brown eyes again, the same ones I have grown to love more each day since we met.

Just know that this is your final battle and no one can decide for you. It is your choice whether you want to live to see what else life has to offer or to close the book. But if you were to ask me, I still think you have plenty to write in your book. For now, I’ll just leave your other half of the cherry Popsicle right here.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I have always had a terrible time writing stories because of my writer's block sneaking up at me whenever I get the writing bug. Which is why I prefer to write poems, or short stories because they get straight to the point. If you did not get the main topic of this short story I wanted to center it around suicide and how many things are left incomplete in the act. "Eliminate the should haves" as straightforward of a title can be, instead of saying the should haves when the person has the crossed the line of no return, we should constantly be telling the ones we love that we do love and appreciate them. We cannot read minds so of course we would not know what the person is going through but we also should not wait until the last minute to be confessing the love we have to one another.

For those going through tough times just know that there is always help out there. I am sure there are people who are willing to listen to what you have to say and if you cannot find a family member or a friend you can always call, you can even text the suicide hotline if you do not feel like talking and one of their representatives will gladly be there to assist you. Here is some information that can be useful.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in the United States:
1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in United Kingdom:
+44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate)

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in France:
01 45 39 40 00

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in Russia:
007 (8202) 577-577

If you cannot find your country here is a list of Suicide Hotlines you can find them on this website:
International Suicide Hotlines

You are not alone, keep that in mind and if you are having suicidal thoughts please speak up. Being scared is okay but holding dangerous and damaging thoughts and information is not.

Love you all! You are all stronger than you think, do not forget that!

xx Chavelita

Teen pregnancy

For the past weeks or so in my IB Spanish class my classmates and I have been describing pictures that forces us to give us an argumentative yet personal opinion of what we think the picture means to us and what the message is trying to get to across to those who view the picture. When it was my turn to describe the picture, keep in mind that I do not have the ability to choose the picture I wanted to discuss about, I was nervous that I was going to get a picture that I had no argumentative statement to discuss. Yet the picture that I was given was teen pregnancy. Yes teen pregnancy and to be truthful with you all some of the things I said will be shocking because it did shock at me. (Alright so I may add some more ideas while writing but the main ideas done in my interview are highlighted into the following statement)

What do you see in this picture?
I see that there is a teenager mother holding her baby of maybe three years of age. Instead of looking terrified though, she appears to be happy that she has her baby boy in her arms like she does not regret making this decision of having a child at such a young age perhaps at 15. In fact by looking at her clothes she may be from the Middle East and depending how the country view teen pregnancy it could actually be seen a normality rather than something that should be shunned about which is done here in the United States. She seems confident at what she has placed in her life in front of her. With technology advancing and the world moving at such a rapid pace, society has been creating teen pregnancy into a controversial topic of discussion. In comparison with the generation of before, maybe having children at a young age did not seem like a big deal because people would get married at a young age and with the lack of technology, lets face it people were more sane. Now in today's generation teen pregnancy among adolescents and soon all the reputation, all trust, all relationships or friendships made by other people are lost. Which seems unfair because they do not even have a chance to prove themselves. So they got pregnant at a young age, but does that make them irresponsible parents or parent? Before people start to give the cold shoulder at least give them a chance to prove of what potential acts that could be done within the nine months of pregnancy and the many years after that. I am not saying that teens should get pregnant but if they do, it does not necessarily mean that their lives are over. I wish that adolescents would at least wait before having children to save themselves from spending sleepless nights taking care of the child to emergency visits to the hospital in case the child gets sick. Sacrifices will have to be made to make the outcomes as successful as they can be. Society gives teen pregnancy the idea that hell will break lose and from where I am standing the world has yet to burst into flames. Each baby is seen as a blessing no matter of the situation and if people were to be more open-minded of this situation teens will be more comfortable to speak about teen pregnancy. Female adolescents will not have to live in fear of acceptance from their peers, family, or society because I can bet you that all these girls want is to feel safe and welcomed and supported throughout the pregnancy. They want to be able to see their parents eyes without having this feeling that they will not look back. Parents you have the right to feel disappointed or in desperation to know of the full details that caused the pregnancy but before you blow up at your children give them a hug first and tell them that you are there for them. I know it sounds contradicting but I find it best that everything settles down first before the questions rise into action.

Teen pregnancy is a controversial topic to speak about and I totally understand if you have a completely different outlook on this matter. I am not a mother only a seventeen year old girl but I believe that once when you are open minded, you are able to view many perspectives in the discussion.

What do you see in the picture?

This is the actual picture I had to describe

xx Chavelita

The lonely monster

Is there some sort of correlation that the more alone you are the more weirder you are? So not too long ago the Lent season approached me like a slap in the face. Here I am focused on what needs to get done in school so I would remain in the IB program and still be eligible for the IB diploma, then Lent comes. For a while before Lent though, I always think about something to sacrifice for the 40 days of Lent and the most challenging one yet is the one I am doing now which is not using social media. Do you understand what that means for a teenager like me to not be online? Might as well just walk in the dark and hope that I do not mistaken one of my steps for a ditch. I do not know if I have mentioned this before but my Dad is in the military and we are stationed in the United States but most of my family lives in Puerto Rico so how do I communicate with them? That's right through Facebook. Though I thought it would be nice to have some time for myself to gather my thoughts, reflect what I have done and what I want to do in the future, and this is where I test which people in my life are the ones that make it worth living. And you want to know what I have noticed so far?

1. I do not talk to a lot of people
2. Why do I have a phone? I barely talk to people. 
3. Most of my free time is invested in bed...sleeping. 
4.  I really need to work on my social skills
5. That buildings have ceilings 
6. I daydream way too much about people and hypothetical arguments
7. Time moves slowly when you are constantly checking for messages and there aren't any messages
8. Avoiding situations is hard when there is no distractions 
9. I am my own best friend since I spend most of my time alone that I find myself laughing at my own jokes...
10. Complaining is useless when you have no one to tell it to 

I could continue going, but I think you all have the gist of how my way of self-discovery is coming along. Though as of now I am slowly getting adjusted to not having my face in my phone screen and actually looking around my surroundings and actually talking to people face to face. By far face to face communication is my favorite way of socializing even though I may choke on my own saliva while laughing, have brain farts in between my sentences and mumble, my facial expressions makes up for all those embarrassing moments. Even messaging people has reduced immensely, now I just say what I need to say and I end the conversation. Drama is not my forte nor do I want to be sucked into that vortex. I do not need anymore stress as it is. To think about it, I bet my mom is going to be happy when she sees the phone bill... Besides the point, sometimes you need to eliminate the distractions in order to get to the core of your problems or to be able to get to know yourself without the influence of others. I am surprising myself everyday of how much my behavior has changed and how I am handling with things like school, advice, people, and so forth. 

A selfie for my readers since I have no where else to put it... even in this picture looks like I am crying for help... This is only the beginning... Must stay strong!)

What are one of the tough sacrifices you have made?

xx Chavelita

The storage tree

Lately I have felt this heavy, not necessarily physically but like this weight of emotions on top of me that has kind of been suffocating for a while. It was not until yesterday when I spoke with my Dad did I realize that there was something that I had to change about myself. For that reason I want to share a story that he told me during our talk.

There was once a gardener and a carpenter. The gardener came to work and first he wanted to cut down some trees to make room for his garden but the machine just wouldn't turn on for him. Moments later he attempted to do another task in the garden but it started to rain that interrupted him again from completing his task. It was bad thing after bad thing, and when it was time to go home his car would not turn on so he asked the carpenter if he could take him home. The carpenter said yes because he had noticed the gardener going through his hardships. As they arrived home to the gardener's house, before the gardener went inside the house he encounters this tree on the side of his house. He touched the tree and once when he was done he invited the carpenter into his house for a cup of coffee. Drinking his coffee he begins to see the gardener playing and laughing with his children as if nothing were to happen. Which the carpenter found strange because didn't he experience a troubling day at work? When the carpenter was about to leave, the gardener escorted him out but before the carpenter could leave he had to ask him what did he do to the tree that made him lose all this anger. The gardener then said, that is the tree where I leave all my problems that has happened to me during the day. The next day I go back to the tree to pick up my problems as I go to work but usually its less problems then what I had left the night before. And with that the carpenter left in his truck.

I have always had this issue of wanting to help people and I also have this bad habit of carrying other people's burdens with me. And I told myself, I need my own tree. I need a place where I can put all these troubling thoughts and frustrations in one place, in that way it does not affect my performance in other things. It is not fair that I was affecting the people around me who did not have anything to do with my situation and it was time that I changed that. I have decided to just stay in this neutral state, I cannot force help on those who ask for it and it should not be my problem because honestly it is not my problem. I am not the one having to live through other people's situations, which is why as of now I should focus on what I have to get through and to get done. If people need help, then I'll help but that is if they only ask me for it. I also struggled to find people who would understand what it is that I was going through and all this time I have been overlooking my family for many years. It was not until my aunt told me that why I was telling outsiders my problems when I have a family who knows exactly what is going on. So guys please, do not take your family for granted because when they say they are there for you I kid you not they are there for you. And if that is not the case, usually those who are there for you, are there for you. Be careful who you tell your problems to.

How have you guys been? I hope you guys are all doing well.

xx Chavelita

Goodbyes are the hardest

Today's blogpost is not going to be written in the typical inspirational aspect you are used to reading. It is okay if you skip this post or any posts since you are not obligated to read if you do not wish to do so.

The day marks, August 30th, 2014 at around 9 AM my mom receives a phone call from her sister emotionally distressed. My grandmother had been vomiting and has stopped to breathe. She has no pulse. The ambulance is called. Around 10 AM, my mom receives a phone call, her mom did not make it. An abundance of tears and a destroyed daughter starts to cry on the phone as she hears the news. No one ever wants to see their own mother lose their mother that gave life to them and lose her self control as clutched onto her phone. The image of my strong mother, crumbled before my eyes and just like that I crumbled. My foundation ruptured into pieces and I ran away to cry on my own. As to this day I keep having flashbacks of receiving the news. Heaven has gained another angel that day.

No one knows how someone has impacted their life, until the day they leave. Until that moment when they have to say goodbye. As my grandmother was getting older, her health was not the best. Though you still have that hint of hope that she will get better and be able to do the things she used to do. When she begin to forget things, whenever she would call she would always answer "Soly!" (my Mom's nickname) and talk as if nothing happened. Whenever she complained over an ache, I would feel bad but at the same time I was happy that she was talking and be actually to feel something. Although I would not talk to her, she would always ask for me and how I was doing. She was such an amazing, caring, spectacular lady who overcame so much over the years with the death of her husband back in 2008, the numerous hospital trips and still managed to smile or at least give me a smile. She would care about other people such as the time when I was little and I was sleeping next to her and I was about to get out of bed but she told to sleep more. Giving extra blankets so I wouldn't be cold. She even left me her towel when she came to visit, and to this day it still reminds me of her.

It has honestly been hard. At school I have to put on a face and try to forget or at least not think about what happened to just get through the day. But how can you push that aside? How can you move on when a piece of you is not even with you anymore? Only today writing this, I am realizing that she really has left. It's so hard to believe that her funeral was just yesterday because when I went to go visit her in March she was just doing fine. Taking her medicine like she was supposed to and complaining about watching TV all day and laughing whenever a funny movie would be on. Her amount of complaints to the cats and dogs that would nonchalantly in the house as they lived there. I saw her on her death bed as she was beautiful, with white orchids on the casket and herself was holding white orchids. Outside of her house they would grow.

It would of been nice to have gone to the funeral and support my mom just the way she would of done with me. I wore black for that reason yesterday to show my condolences to her and know that we may be across the ocean, but family will always be family. I really hope that my family issues at this point sort out, it's ridiculous honestly. Siblings shouldn't be arguing or saying rude things to one another. They may think I do not know what is going on, but I do. I am no longer that gullible child that can be lied to. It is probably my wish, and my grandma's wish that they would find a way to forgive each other and find a place in their heart to love each other. It may be hard to ask, but now is when we need each other the most.

I am writing this to find my closure in my relationship with my grandmother. I never had problems with her nor have we ever upset each other. Maybe because I did not see her as much as my other family but we would always end on good terms. "Bendicion, Mama." "Dios de cuide." and that's how our conversations ended. Whenever I got the chance to, I would tell her how much I loved her because you honestly don't know when is the last time you will have the chance to say it. I thank God for having known her for the 17 years of my life and teaching me not to care about what others think. Though I think that was something that weakened her because she did care what was going on within her family.You can only be so strong until you reach your breaking point.

I really miss her. But at least when I saw her on her deathbed she had finally found that peace she has been looking for. She was just looking in the wrong place. Now she is with my grandfather reunited once again and feeling more stronger than ever. I know that she is looking after me from above only her voice is now in my heart.

Descanse en paz, Maria De La Cruz Gonzalez Feliciano. Siempre te voy amar, viejita preciosa.
5-18-1940 - 8-30-2014

Chavelita

Why are you so confident?

Yes I was on Ask.Fm again, and yes there is still some disrespectful people on there but that is the wrong blogpost, as I was getting ready for bed someone sends me this question, "Why are you so pretty and confident!!" Although there is no question mark found in that sentence I couldn't stop blushing. I was a bit starstruck you can say to an anonymous. And I replied,

"I'm pretty because of my genes (don't ask what in my weird mind made me say that) and I'm guessing my personality aha and I'm confident because I'm tired of people taking others for granted and not speaking up for themselves (that used to be me). So I try to present the image of a confident lady so I inspire others to be confident in themselves. Embrace yourself, flaunt your flaws and someone will come along and love you for who you are. It's all in my blog honestly. And thank you. :)"

I wanted to elaborate more on that response because confidence is something that we all struggle to gain. Some days our confidence level is at the brim ready to spill out and other days we barely have any confidence to even leave the house. Confidence is hard. I am not going to lie or sugarcoat. There are days that I stare myself in the mirror and wonder what people see in me or notice in just that short glimpse. Not much other than my physical features such as I am a short female with dark brown eyes and dark brown hair. I feel people at first impression only see maybe ten percent of the person you are. The rest of the ninety percent is all formulated through experiences, stories, and memories. So it wouldn't be fair to compare your whole one hundred percent on someone else's ten percent. You are not giving yourself a chance nor are you giving the other person a chance. I know looks can be deceiving, people's behavior can be confusing, and meeting people for the first time can be a bit of a plot twist. Though we are not all perfect, even those who may be bubbly most of the time face similar issues so please do not compare yourself or create assumptions that they have it better. With confidence comes power and without confidence comes with insecurities. In my opinion, I would rather have a little bit of power than a whole load of insecurities. Insecurities are like the Thursday's in my life in a school week, it would feel like a Friday but you still have another day to go until the weekend. You have to learn to live with your insecurities, become best friends to the point where you know them inside and out that allows you to gain your own voice. Then maybe the ten percent that you are allowing people to see will become an eleven percent or higher.

The way I gain confidence is learning from my previous mistakes and how uncomfortable and frustrating they caused me at the time. I remember going to church one day with my family and we went to a different mass than the one we normally go to and my luck I was sitting next to someone I did not know. I would of not mind other than the fact that the man would not give me my personal space. I kindly pushed him away but he kept pushing back. My mom noticed how uncomfortable I was so she switched seats with me and told the man what he was doing. I wish I had spoken up that day...

One of the largest pet peeves is when people instead of asking me to help them on homework (which I would try my best in doing) ask me for the answers. I am no homework bank where I can reproduce you the work at any given moment for no cost. It's probably the only time where I am noticed from others around my age group and it aggravates me. Though do not do what I did and question, "why am I so different from everyone else? why don't I fit in?". You do fit in somewhere, maybe not with the group you think you did but somewhere else and I will tell you when you find your group you will feel so much better. Your self image will bloom and you will laugh at those people searching for other sources of gaining their work. Do not lower your standards to people who will not live up to them, change because of your own benefit.

What is something that annoys you about people?



xx Chavelita

Bumblebee

I thought you should meet another person I am grateful to have in my life. For privacy, the person I am going to speak about we will call her Bee.

It is almost a year since I met Bee and she has created such a large impact in my life she is probably the one who helped boost my self esteem and molded me into the confident being that I am. Turning my flaws into beautiful imperfections, that makes me stand out from the rest of the world. Normally when I meet people who I am on a professional platform, I do not like to go personal. I was told by a teacher in my sophomore year of high school that, "we are not friends" to our class and that because she had given us her number to call if we had any questions on the homework it does not mean we could text her. That mentality stuck with me, oddly it did make sense at the moment because students and teachers were separate things at the time but it all changed my junior year. I will not lie I was confused, we could not text teachers but joining the IB program they give you their numbers to text them if anything (unless otherwise told that you can't) and I was I actually afraid to text my teachers since I thought it was pretty unorthodox to do. It was not until my friend persuaded me to text her and by the things she told me, perhaps it was okay to do so. It all started with a simple text message and from there our friendship flourished. She started to lean on me and I did the same in return. Her background stories are moving you would not expect stories like that coming from a bubbly person like herself. Though she does apologize a lot for little things which I think may not deserve an apology. I could say she is part of my family she is tied between the big sister or an aunt to me including her beautiful children. I can tell her anything and it would be casual which is one of the things I love about her. The little moments when I do have her for myself I find myself laughing and listening to her stories since I do not talk much, I believe there is hardly ever an awkward moment with her. Anytime spent with her makes me happy.

One of my favorite memories I had with her is when she took me to one of her presentations and when she took me back home. We spoke at my drive way for an hour or so in her car. I was surprise to say that my parents did not realize that I was out til 9 on a school night even less in the drive way so technically I was at home just not in it. It is probably one of the simplistic memories I share with her but I just love how quiet the night was. No distractions and it was just us two spending time together sharing our own memories. It was also the day I gave her a rosary in her favorite color and the moment she opened her gift, it was like Christmas morning. Her face was glowing and astonished that she even gave me a hug (we had never hugged until that day, I'm usually the hugging type of person but I somehow grew uncomfortable to hugs).

Bee is one of my inspirational role models, against the odds she still finds a way to tackle on the day with her work, caring for her children, all on her own. With her charismatic attitude, beautiful smile, and her perky lipstick this lady is going places! I'm honestly having a difficult time writing this blogpost since I cannot fathom the words to describe how wonderful she is. You have to meet her for yourself to understand the emotions I am going through. I love you, Bee! Continue being the person you are, accomplish your set dreams and I am sure the right one will come along and sweep you off your feet!

This is why I am telling you that you should give everyone a chance, you will never know who you will meet and have your life changed.



xx Chavelita

Age limits

This has actually been upsetting me for quite sometime. Age limits. When this comes up you may think, "oh sorry you must be ___ years of age to enter" not, "oh, honey but you are too young to even be around those people" and then be redirected to people who do not even bother to acknowledge your presence. Although my parents have not been bothered with the friends I make regardless of their age not everyone is like my parents who accept that. I'm fed up of having to create excuses or have to explain to others that so and so is my friend. Whether you are 10 or 40, if you treat me with respect then I will return the same respect back to you and honestly I find that most of my friends are older than me. The reason is that I find myself more comfortable to be around with, I can connect or at least understand their stories and you begin to see things from a different angle. Not that I have that many friends but if I were to tell anyone that I am friends with someone who is older than me they will give me odd looks and perhaps the same way with my friend's friends. Though being a family member changes the whole situation around apparently. But since when has it been a rule that you have to be friends with people your age? Or why does people automatically assume that you are a parent/child relationship? Or have to be in a relationship with a person around the same age as you? The world does not work that way. Age limits do not exist when it comes to these circumstances. I believe you should be able to spend your time with the people who are very dear to you, who are willing to make you smile or laugh on the horrible days, laugh til you pee on the good days and not be ashamed to spend time with them in public, vice versa. Start creating friendships with those who are not in your age group and I will promise you that as soon as a friendship like that flourishes you will be asking yourself "where have I been?". Get out of that comfort zone, be open-minded and learn more about people who may be different from you (and accept the differences too), and be proud of the memories you create with them. Do not imply something you do not know about.

What do you seek in a friendship?

xx Chavelita