Day 20: Talking

For as long as I can remember, I have been a quiet and private person. I can probably hold a secret for so long that I eventually forget unless someone brings up something similar to what I know. Not sure if that is a talent or not but it does show that I hold a lot of information within me and if I am not asked about what I know then that information just begins to be stored deeper and deeper into my memory. I have always been the listener among my friends. If I talk it is usually when I have something to say, which is what I am doing right now. And you know what, talking it is not all so bad especially when you have a great listener and responder to hear you out. Sometimes I am like a tea kettle, you can pour water in me and I would remain quiet but once when you add heat that is when you are going to start hearing me. Not that I have to feel heated or upset over something to get me to start talking but if you bring up interesting topics or ask me questions, controversial the better, I can speak for hours. In high school I had history for my last period of the school day and while mostly everyone were just dying to get out and go home I would typically stay behind to have intriguing conversations with my history teachers. Since my history teachers' classrooms were relatively close they would just visit each other in their classrooms for group discussions. The topics could range to the most nonsensical topics like having a salad for breakfast to how can recycling have an effect on the environment. The topics were little to no where close to the history that was being taught during regular class hours.

Where am I really going with this? Well talking is beneficial for mental health. When you feel stressed or when you have no clue what to do with the thoughts in your head, it's pretty nice to have that go-to person to spill all the details to. That go-to person could be as simple as your sibling, parents, friends, and or your therapist. There may be a couple of people who take advantage of talking and that I have found annoying that they would talk too much during school but like Shrek said, "It is better out than in." Use your words, speak out your mind, structure your words to portray your ideas, however you prefer to share your thoughts, go for it! You may have the most brilliant ideas or thoughts screaming to be recognized but if you do not share them then how will that benefit anyone? For those who are not as much as the talkers like myself and who does not like to share a lot of the personal details with others, I just think it takes the right person to open you up. Do not feel like you need to change in order to find someone to talk with. Continue being yourself and whenever you are given opportunities to share what you are passionate about you should. You will also find that friend that you can trust with your thoughts, they may be a little hidden (or maybe in front of you the whole time) at first but usually the hidden ones tend to be the ones with one of the biggest hearts. Or be like me and start your own blog!

Have you spoken to anyone today?

xx Chavelita

Day 21: Advice to my future children

Although I am only eighteen and have many many more years to learn about myself and the world around me, I feel like I have some leverage from all the learning I had done through the challenges that were tossed in my direction. Not all opportunities or situations come as easy as a slow pitch to hit out of the park even though some of us do wish that we had our questions answered in an instant. And those who do opportunities and situations that are easy to handle, we feel like those aren't worth much of a value but here I am to tell you is that every lesson that was learned through our experiences are worth value. When we sit there, sometimes in the midst of the night alone or we stand there idle in our morning showers, our minds are working up a storm to figure out a solution to a problem that is either there or not. Bubbles and lines crossing, with an infinite number of solutions, when we want one answer we come up with multiple possibilities that just drives us up the wall. I know we have a solution but then we start to wonder if its appropriate enough to fit the current situation and we begin to overthink which does not lead us anywhere. I think people should just trust in what they got and see where that may lead them. Which starts to my first lesson for my future child...

Do not follow the crowd. At first people may think that because they are following the crowd that they are doing something right, which may not always be the case. I have given the crowd a chance and all the times that I did, I was farther and farther away from the person I wanted to be known as. I nearly forgot myself while transforming into someone I wasn't. I would think that there was something wrong with me because I found such difficulty to connect with other individuals among my age group. Yet I continued walking by myself, allowing enough contact to keep myself in check but for the majority of the time I spent my time figuring things out without any outside influences. So kids, when you feel like you do not fit in with rest of the group and you find yourself spending alone time apart from everyone else or observing your surroundings, remember that usually the amazing people among the crowd do not call attention towards to themselves by showing off but because you have a natural glow, those who have their eyes open will definitely see you and change your life. Follow your own path for now, find out more about yourself and with time people will cross paths with you. Just a heads up though, some will walk alongside of you and others will simply cross without acknowledging you.

Be careful who you trust. I have found myself in many predicaments especially when I tell friends personal information that end up not being my friend for long. Then I think, well great there goes all my deep information along with the many insecurities and thoughts that I should of just kept to myself in the first place. Even though at times I forget what personal information I have shared with some people, having that information wondering around on someone else's lips makes me want to curl into a makeshift shell. I don't want to say that I was careless but more so that I outweigh a lot of people's good qualities over their bad qualities, so lets hypothetically say that everyone knows that one person who is known to be worst person to man and I would still find something good about them. I would still give them a chance despite all the commentary I have been told in private. I just want my kids to be able to open their minds to see the rounded values that make up any person that they decide to meet, not be timid, afraid or embarrassed to be themselves and share their stories. To be able to interact with their peers and know the difference between an average friend and the values that make up a better friend. So that they can limit the chances of disappointment they are going to encounter in life. Just know that mommy will always have ears to listen, arms to give out those needed hugs, eyes to give my undivided attention, a voice to comfort when my kids feel overwhelmed, and a sense of humor to make you laugh even if they may end up laughing at me for something silly. I will be here every step of the way.

Sweet words are easier to swallow, if needed to. There was always this saying that my dad would tell me, "diga dulce palabras por se caso si los tienes que tragarlas", which in English it means to "say sweet words in case you have to swallow them". We have all come to a close point in our lives or even crossed that point in ours lives when we're absolutely furious with someone and say rather harsh things in spite of the moment. Yeah for those few minutes we spill emotions out like if someone were to open the faucet at full blast. Until we calm down and realize that the situation could of been handled in a different manner. Regret begins to develop and we feel this embarrassment rising in our faces and soon the tiny sweat droplets form that is why it's better to say sweet words. I agree that people should know what position they are in whether it is in a relationship, friendship, or among family and have the chance to speak about what is on their minds but at times we may forget that words are a powerful tool and should be used carefully. This advice also goes when speaking to or about other people. Spreading rumors and then having the victim find out where the source of that gossip is coming from already does not paint a pretty picture. In a situation like the words become difficult to swallow or take back so that is why is just best to not spread false information about others. When spreading compliments, the sweet words, the person could either thank you or not acknowledge your words the same if you are complimenting yourself you could either accept the sweet words or trash them. At least swallowing sweet words are a bit easier than swallowing the bitter ones. I want my kids to be able to choose their words wisely and watch what they say to others, because even words could have the effect to change a person.

What advice would you tell your children or what advice do you already tell your children?

xx Chavelita

P.S. I am not pregnant. The kids mentioned are hypothetical.

Day 11: What happened?

I have the words, but how am I supposed to say them?
Collection of letters only to have it all lost
With only a few days left by the hem
How silly must it feel to be waiting to defrost

From a person who forgot how to smile
I wonder what happened
Was simplicity fading away with each mile?
Or did they trade in their smile hoping for something less dampened?

With these days slowly ticking
From what I used to be and transforming into what I am now
My waiting is flickering
And with time I will disallow

No more what if
No more useless I love yous
From a person who leaves me naked
To defrost in the middle of June

For whatever value brings
Do not take defeat
Shield away from the swings
That love could appear to be bittersweet

Only when I see
That me can be I
Give myself away
To the one who deserves

Me.

xx Chavelita

Day 2: The car trip

In my previous blogpost, Life is precious, I had told you all that one of my mom's friends would take me to school during the time that my mom got ill and as to this day I can still recite the things she had told me even if it was just a minute worth of advice.

I was staying at another one of my mom's friends house that day and as I got ready for school, the lady who picked me arrive at the house who was also taking another one of my mom's friends son to school since we both went to the same school at the time. Normally I am not given rides to school because I would take the bus that was in the middle of the neighborhood. near my house with my friends. Yet there is little quiet me, riding in the back seat still feeling exhausted the night before still thinking about my mom and trying to fall asleep in a bed that wasn't mine. During my middle school years I felt those are the ones I will remember the most, I felt like most of my transformation happened during those two years of middle school which is probably why I consider my middle school years the best years. As we arrived to the school, the school was on the right side of me, which was also the door opposite from where I was sitting. Patiently waiting to slide over to exit through his door, he closes the door in my face which triggered this powerful emotion in my mom's friend. I remember her yelling in the car to him but I am not sure if he heard or just ignored her. Then out of instinct I told her that I was used to it. Now this is the part that stuck through me until today,

"You shouldn't have to be used to that behavior. People should treat you with respect."

Somewhere along those lines, I have learned that I should not settle for less. Just because some people were not taught to treat others with the same respect that one gives them, I shouldn't be accepting behavior that I did not deserve in the first place. If you are reading this, you have taught me about my self-value, which was something I was struggling to define in myself at the time. That day I felt like something just clicked into place, hearing those words were something that I needed. Being tough and strong but handling disrespectful behavior are totally different things and I thank you for teaching me the difference. Being the independent person and the hard headed person of not wanting anyone's help because I thought I could handle anything that was tossed at me, you have taught me that everyone needs help once in a while and that it's not a sign of weakness whatsoever. Instead, asking for help measures my ambition of completing certain tasks and how willing I am to get things done by using the resources around me.

So I thank you.

My ambitious readers, do not forget about your self-value. That is something that you should be proud to have and no one should water down the amazing people you are with negative attitudes or unacceptable behavior. Which I also do not want you to lower your standards or to anyone's level, if they want to be with you or want to be friends they should be the one's raising up to your expectations. Behavior and manners is key, if you do not like something then speak up as we cannot change a person for who they are, we do have the choice as to what to tolerate.

What is something that has stuck through you in a conversation?

xx Chavelita

But they're only words...

At constant measures I am telling myself, "but they're only words..." and that these words should not get to me. Now who ever said that, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" did not think about how much the value of words has evolved as time progressed. 

*SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAVENT READ DOS PALABRAS BY ISABEL ALLENDE, SKIP AHEAD*

The other day I was reading Dos Palabras by Isabel Allende, where this lady named Belisa Crepsculario sold words a piece with a variety of prices depending on what the vendee wanted. A love note was worth a different price than what a hate note, and I thought this idea was so clever of Allende to write about because she actually places a price on words. Although this is magical realism, words do have a price entitled to them but the worth depends on how the person takes them. This caused me to think, if the words have a price then that means that they are worth something. In this case, the quote above is false, words do hurt and at time hurt more than being pelted with sticks and stones. Words have the power to presuade, to make someone cry from tears of joy to sadness, and for many of us causes us to overthink. Which happened to the colonel when he asks Crepsculario for help to tell him a speech that will boost the horrible reputation he had with the people to win him presidency. There was a catch, a condition, that still leaves me at the edge of the seat. Crepsculario tells the colonel two word that leaves the man mentally paralyzed in other words everything he would do, all the speeches he has recited to gain electoral votes, those two words were at the back of his mind. BUT ALLENDE DOES NOT STATE WHAT ARE THOSE TWO WORDS! Such a bittersweet cliffhanger...

*IM DONE SPOILING*

Besides the point, words are constantly changing. New words are being added to the dictionary and older words are being forgotten or getting harder to find. Some words I do not understand the meaning of because they are being created by us teenagers, oh the irony. Unless reading is your passion, the words are still alive. A lesson coming from Allende's story is that word choice is important. Everyone's interpretation is based on words, whether figuratively or straightforward, that may be the problem that many of us today have. Words could be tricky and confusing elements of communication and in honest opinion I do not believe that we will have the chance to deeply understand the words that are being stated in writing or orally. Leaving us with the imagination we have now. 

A tip for all of you is that control your imagination but do not be afraid to think out of your borders. Be smart in what to believe in but do not be stubborn to hear the imagination of others. Read a lot of books from different authors and cultures. Speak to people from different locations, age groups, and gender. Allow yourself to dip in your toes into someone else's world. Give others the chance to express themselves and do not judge what they have to say. 

Why do you think words are created for?

xx Chavelita 

I don't know what to say

A laughter a day they say 

Could keep the sickness away 

To smile and wonder 

Can create such a blunder 

Avoid the mad, the sad, and the bad

And to just be glad 

My tears lose their meaning 

As more and more are seamlessly leaving 

Choked up in my own words

How wondrous a mind can be without cords 

I close my eyes and I count to three 

Soon I escape to a vast land of trees 

If only there was a possibility 

That one day I could expand this probability 

To be open and accept those 

Who are waiting to be close 

But instead they are placed aside 

Hoping that they would soon glide 

So I wouldn't have to manage 

The fact that one day they don't have to deal with my baggage 

Endless fights that keep me awake 

Of what could of been if I stopped being fake 

Pieces of me scream I can do it 

Though other times I'm left with a pit

How can someone be so happy 

But also feel so crappy 

If life were to give us answers instead of lemons 

Would we be content with the lessons 

So many questions 

Yet I cannot seem to get any explanations

So as of now I remain as myself 

And that someday my life will be found on a shelf 

This poem I wrote last night around 9 PM and at first it all started with the intention of writing a poem. The idea didn't come to me until I started writing, and everything just happened to spill. I called this poem, "I don't know what to say" because lately that is what I have been replying to. I have these moments where you have the words at the tip of your tongue and it's not that you're being inconsiderate but the words aren't there. Well these are the thoughts I have when that happens. I have stories, I just don't know where to begin.

What ways do you use to express yourself?

xx Chavelita 

Why are you so confident?

Yes I was on Ask.Fm again, and yes there is still some disrespectful people on there but that is the wrong blogpost, as I was getting ready for bed someone sends me this question, "Why are you so pretty and confident!!" Although there is no question mark found in that sentence I couldn't stop blushing. I was a bit starstruck you can say to an anonymous. And I replied,

"I'm pretty because of my genes (don't ask what in my weird mind made me say that) and I'm guessing my personality aha and I'm confident because I'm tired of people taking others for granted and not speaking up for themselves (that used to be me). So I try to present the image of a confident lady so I inspire others to be confident in themselves. Embrace yourself, flaunt your flaws and someone will come along and love you for who you are. It's all in my blog honestly. And thank you. :)"

I wanted to elaborate more on that response because confidence is something that we all struggle to gain. Some days our confidence level is at the brim ready to spill out and other days we barely have any confidence to even leave the house. Confidence is hard. I am not going to lie or sugarcoat. There are days that I stare myself in the mirror and wonder what people see in me or notice in just that short glimpse. Not much other than my physical features such as I am a short female with dark brown eyes and dark brown hair. I feel people at first impression only see maybe ten percent of the person you are. The rest of the ninety percent is all formulated through experiences, stories, and memories. So it wouldn't be fair to compare your whole one hundred percent on someone else's ten percent. You are not giving yourself a chance nor are you giving the other person a chance. I know looks can be deceiving, people's behavior can be confusing, and meeting people for the first time can be a bit of a plot twist. Though we are not all perfect, even those who may be bubbly most of the time face similar issues so please do not compare yourself or create assumptions that they have it better. With confidence comes power and without confidence comes with insecurities. In my opinion, I would rather have a little bit of power than a whole load of insecurities. Insecurities are like the Thursday's in my life in a school week, it would feel like a Friday but you still have another day to go until the weekend. You have to learn to live with your insecurities, become best friends to the point where you know them inside and out that allows you to gain your own voice. Then maybe the ten percent that you are allowing people to see will become an eleven percent or higher.

The way I gain confidence is learning from my previous mistakes and how uncomfortable and frustrating they caused me at the time. I remember going to church one day with my family and we went to a different mass than the one we normally go to and my luck I was sitting next to someone I did not know. I would of not mind other than the fact that the man would not give me my personal space. I kindly pushed him away but he kept pushing back. My mom noticed how uncomfortable I was so she switched seats with me and told the man what he was doing. I wish I had spoken up that day...

One of the largest pet peeves is when people instead of asking me to help them on homework (which I would try my best in doing) ask me for the answers. I am no homework bank where I can reproduce you the work at any given moment for no cost. It's probably the only time where I am noticed from others around my age group and it aggravates me. Though do not do what I did and question, "why am I so different from everyone else? why don't I fit in?". You do fit in somewhere, maybe not with the group you think you did but somewhere else and I will tell you when you find your group you will feel so much better. Your self image will bloom and you will laugh at those people searching for other sources of gaining their work. Do not lower your standards to people who will not live up to them, change because of your own benefit.

What is something that annoys you about people?



xx Chavelita

The secret of knowledge

Right now I'm currently researching for my two papers one of them is on the Soviet Union's economy during the Second World War and my other one is on psychology on the physiological behavior of people diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. And let me tell you, I have this weird love for old books. The smell of the books, little notes left by previous readers, the texture of the pages, it's as if they tell their own story beside the ones of their content. If they are hardcover with a simple background color the better because it doesn't distract the reader from judging the cover when there's no pictures in front or back. I could stay in a library the whole day if I was left alone, escaping within the vastness of literature, building up my knowledge, and finding out the secrets left within the pages of each book. Call me weird, but I'm quite excited to be starting college next fall of 2015 and hopefully with the preparations of IB will help lead into this transition. (I seriously need to find someone who is just as enthusiastic to learn and tell me random facts about what they found out..)

What do you want to do with your life when the time comes or what are you planning to major in? 

xx Chavelita