Day 21: Advice to my future children

Although I am only eighteen and have many many more years to learn about myself and the world around me, I feel like I have some leverage from all the learning I had done through the challenges that were tossed in my direction. Not all opportunities or situations come as easy as a slow pitch to hit out of the park even though some of us do wish that we had our questions answered in an instant. And those who do opportunities and situations that are easy to handle, we feel like those aren't worth much of a value but here I am to tell you is that every lesson that was learned through our experiences are worth value. When we sit there, sometimes in the midst of the night alone or we stand there idle in our morning showers, our minds are working up a storm to figure out a solution to a problem that is either there or not. Bubbles and lines crossing, with an infinite number of solutions, when we want one answer we come up with multiple possibilities that just drives us up the wall. I know we have a solution but then we start to wonder if its appropriate enough to fit the current situation and we begin to overthink which does not lead us anywhere. I think people should just trust in what they got and see where that may lead them. Which starts to my first lesson for my future child...

Do not follow the crowd. At first people may think that because they are following the crowd that they are doing something right, which may not always be the case. I have given the crowd a chance and all the times that I did, I was farther and farther away from the person I wanted to be known as. I nearly forgot myself while transforming into someone I wasn't. I would think that there was something wrong with me because I found such difficulty to connect with other individuals among my age group. Yet I continued walking by myself, allowing enough contact to keep myself in check but for the majority of the time I spent my time figuring things out without any outside influences. So kids, when you feel like you do not fit in with rest of the group and you find yourself spending alone time apart from everyone else or observing your surroundings, remember that usually the amazing people among the crowd do not call attention towards to themselves by showing off but because you have a natural glow, those who have their eyes open will definitely see you and change your life. Follow your own path for now, find out more about yourself and with time people will cross paths with you. Just a heads up though, some will walk alongside of you and others will simply cross without acknowledging you.

Be careful who you trust. I have found myself in many predicaments especially when I tell friends personal information that end up not being my friend for long. Then I think, well great there goes all my deep information along with the many insecurities and thoughts that I should of just kept to myself in the first place. Even though at times I forget what personal information I have shared with some people, having that information wondering around on someone else's lips makes me want to curl into a makeshift shell. I don't want to say that I was careless but more so that I outweigh a lot of people's good qualities over their bad qualities, so lets hypothetically say that everyone knows that one person who is known to be worst person to man and I would still find something good about them. I would still give them a chance despite all the commentary I have been told in private. I just want my kids to be able to open their minds to see the rounded values that make up any person that they decide to meet, not be timid, afraid or embarrassed to be themselves and share their stories. To be able to interact with their peers and know the difference between an average friend and the values that make up a better friend. So that they can limit the chances of disappointment they are going to encounter in life. Just know that mommy will always have ears to listen, arms to give out those needed hugs, eyes to give my undivided attention, a voice to comfort when my kids feel overwhelmed, and a sense of humor to make you laugh even if they may end up laughing at me for something silly. I will be here every step of the way.

Sweet words are easier to swallow, if needed to. There was always this saying that my dad would tell me, "diga dulce palabras por se caso si los tienes que tragarlas", which in English it means to "say sweet words in case you have to swallow them". We have all come to a close point in our lives or even crossed that point in ours lives when we're absolutely furious with someone and say rather harsh things in spite of the moment. Yeah for those few minutes we spill emotions out like if someone were to open the faucet at full blast. Until we calm down and realize that the situation could of been handled in a different manner. Regret begins to develop and we feel this embarrassment rising in our faces and soon the tiny sweat droplets form that is why it's better to say sweet words. I agree that people should know what position they are in whether it is in a relationship, friendship, or among family and have the chance to speak about what is on their minds but at times we may forget that words are a powerful tool and should be used carefully. This advice also goes when speaking to or about other people. Spreading rumors and then having the victim find out where the source of that gossip is coming from already does not paint a pretty picture. In a situation like the words become difficult to swallow or take back so that is why is just best to not spread false information about others. When spreading compliments, the sweet words, the person could either thank you or not acknowledge your words the same if you are complimenting yourself you could either accept the sweet words or trash them. At least swallowing sweet words are a bit easier than swallowing the bitter ones. I want my kids to be able to choose their words wisely and watch what they say to others, because even words could have the effect to change a person.

What advice would you tell your children or what advice do you already tell your children?

xx Chavelita

P.S. I am not pregnant. The kids mentioned are hypothetical.

Day 11: What happened?

I have the words, but how am I supposed to say them?
Collection of letters only to have it all lost
With only a few days left by the hem
How silly must it feel to be waiting to defrost

From a person who forgot how to smile
I wonder what happened
Was simplicity fading away with each mile?
Or did they trade in their smile hoping for something less dampened?

With these days slowly ticking
From what I used to be and transforming into what I am now
My waiting is flickering
And with time I will disallow

No more what if
No more useless I love yous
From a person who leaves me naked
To defrost in the middle of June

For whatever value brings
Do not take defeat
Shield away from the swings
That love could appear to be bittersweet

Only when I see
That me can be I
Give myself away
To the one who deserves

Me.

xx Chavelita

Scenario: Eliminate the should haves

But do you know what this means? Have you considered about the dangers you are about to place onto yourself? How will I break this to your family? You will not be able to turn back to the life you have grown up to know. All this time you spent struggling to find out what specialties make you stand out from the rest only to realize that those talents are yours to keep. Talents that nobody can steal from you. Everything that you once knew will simply float away with the rest of your unspoken thoughts.

From the look in your eyes I know you had plenty to say I only wish you expressed them instead of having them consume your every motivation. If I were to write a eulogy for you I wouldn’t even know where I begin… 

Should I begin with the day we met? That hot summer morning on my way to my Grandmother’s house and you were just moving into the house next door? I still remember we were about twelve both looking confused as ever when our eyes locked into place for the first time because frankly our neighborhood barely had any new residents.  Our town was only a spec on the map, even with a magnify glass you could barely see us. Of the odds though you were the only person I was able to confide myself to and I am not sure if it was because we both came from tough pasts of losing a parent before we were even able to walk or because you found me crying on the front porch that night when my father had too much to drink. You didn’t even ask me any questions, you only split your cherry Popsicle in half and handed me the other half. We both sat there licking away while the rest of the world was crumbling before our eyes. Even though you did not speak a lot, your gestures did speak for themselves and when you did speak I was always left in dismay. Just like that one time someone decided to vandalize my locker with the words "heifer" and "moo" scattered onto my locker and with the only thought that came to my mind was how much of a loser I was. But then you said…

“Carly, you mustn’t be so hard on yourself there are plenty of people out there who already wants to make you miserable. Don’t be on their side; you have way too much to offer to just have it be wasted in self-pity. Come on say it with me. Team Carly! I am not hearing you! TEAM CARLY!”

To this day I can still hear you chanting “team Carly” and in all honesty you saved my life. For once I was able to remove the blanket I had been using to cover my mirror and gave myself a good look. I wept as though I was in shock in seeing an old friend and smiling and laughing for being ever so grateful of being alive to experience this moment. You were able to find the Carly I had lost since I was fourteen. 

Or should I begin on our first day of school? We were both assigned to the same teacher Mrs. Flowers and as our little joke we would always bring a flower because her last name was Flowers and we would place it on her desk without being caught. Most of the time her desk was cluttered with flower petals but I don't think that had bothered Mrs. Flowers. Being anonymous at that time seemed more exciting and bad butt than simply leaving flowers out in the open. We did things not to seek attention but more to see how others would react. Our classmates always sent out odd expressions in our direction but I didn’t care as long as I was spending time with you. Then during recess I would stand on your shoulders to peer out of the windows to see Mrs. Flowers sniffing the yellow rose we had given her that day and you would beg me to get off as your legs wobbled uncontrollably. We were only kids without a clue that we were making a difference in Mrs. Flowers’s life. 

So this is why I need you to wake up Nate. I need you to know of how much you impacted my life and how much you have caused ripples in other people’s lives. No one knows your story more than you do. To be part of your story is the same as saying that I was only the icing to the cake, but in reality many people come to eat the cake because that is where most of the richness comes from. Your mother right now has been sleeping in an uncomfortable seat next to you for the past three days with a fear that if she leaves, that she may not be able to see you or even have a chance to say goodbye. Please do not make me say goodbye. Please… I am not ready; I should have told you that I love you when I had the chance. I should have known better not to have let you leave my house when you said you needed space. I should have kept an eye out for you to know that you arrived home safely because I know you would have done the same. You were always the strong one. So strong, that not even your best friend was able to tell that you were screaming for help. I am so so sorry, Nate. I wish you can acknowledge how awful I feel for not doing the best I can, I should have done better. I cannot forgive myself for being so careless and I cannot even imagine how terrified your mother had felt when she found you in the tub next to empty bottles of pain killers. I really wish you would have told me about the battles you have been fighting; maybe I could have done something to help. Even if I was no help in conquering I could have been the supplier. Now I am wondering if I will ever see your dark brown eyes again, the same ones I have grown to love more each day since we met.

Just know that this is your final battle and no one can decide for you. It is your choice whether you want to live to see what else life has to offer or to close the book. But if you were to ask me, I still think you have plenty to write in your book. For now, I’ll just leave your other half of the cherry Popsicle right here.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I have always had a terrible time writing stories because of my writer's block sneaking up at me whenever I get the writing bug. Which is why I prefer to write poems, or short stories because they get straight to the point. If you did not get the main topic of this short story I wanted to center it around suicide and how many things are left incomplete in the act. "Eliminate the should haves" as straightforward of a title can be, instead of saying the should haves when the person has the crossed the line of no return, we should constantly be telling the ones we love that we do love and appreciate them. We cannot read minds so of course we would not know what the person is going through but we also should not wait until the last minute to be confessing the love we have to one another.

For those going through tough times just know that there is always help out there. I am sure there are people who are willing to listen to what you have to say and if you cannot find a family member or a friend you can always call, you can even text the suicide hotline if you do not feel like talking and one of their representatives will gladly be there to assist you. Here is some information that can be useful.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in the United States:
1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in United Kingdom:
+44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate)

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in France:
01 45 39 40 00

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in Russia:
007 (8202) 577-577

If you cannot find your country here is a list of Suicide Hotlines you can find them on this website:
International Suicide Hotlines

You are not alone, keep that in mind and if you are having suicidal thoughts please speak up. Being scared is okay but holding dangerous and damaging thoughts and information is not.

Love you all! You are all stronger than you think, do not forget that!

xx Chavelita

Teen pregnancy

For the past weeks or so in my IB Spanish class my classmates and I have been describing pictures that forces us to give us an argumentative yet personal opinion of what we think the picture means to us and what the message is trying to get to across to those who view the picture. When it was my turn to describe the picture, keep in mind that I do not have the ability to choose the picture I wanted to discuss about, I was nervous that I was going to get a picture that I had no argumentative statement to discuss. Yet the picture that I was given was teen pregnancy. Yes teen pregnancy and to be truthful with you all some of the things I said will be shocking because it did shock at me. (Alright so I may add some more ideas while writing but the main ideas done in my interview are highlighted into the following statement)

What do you see in this picture?
I see that there is a teenager mother holding her baby of maybe three years of age. Instead of looking terrified though, she appears to be happy that she has her baby boy in her arms like she does not regret making this decision of having a child at such a young age perhaps at 15. In fact by looking at her clothes she may be from the Middle East and depending how the country view teen pregnancy it could actually be seen a normality rather than something that should be shunned about which is done here in the United States. She seems confident at what she has placed in her life in front of her. With technology advancing and the world moving at such a rapid pace, society has been creating teen pregnancy into a controversial topic of discussion. In comparison with the generation of before, maybe having children at a young age did not seem like a big deal because people would get married at a young age and with the lack of technology, lets face it people were more sane. Now in today's generation teen pregnancy among adolescents and soon all the reputation, all trust, all relationships or friendships made by other people are lost. Which seems unfair because they do not even have a chance to prove themselves. So they got pregnant at a young age, but does that make them irresponsible parents or parent? Before people start to give the cold shoulder at least give them a chance to prove of what potential acts that could be done within the nine months of pregnancy and the many years after that. I am not saying that teens should get pregnant but if they do, it does not necessarily mean that their lives are over. I wish that adolescents would at least wait before having children to save themselves from spending sleepless nights taking care of the child to emergency visits to the hospital in case the child gets sick. Sacrifices will have to be made to make the outcomes as successful as they can be. Society gives teen pregnancy the idea that hell will break lose and from where I am standing the world has yet to burst into flames. Each baby is seen as a blessing no matter of the situation and if people were to be more open-minded of this situation teens will be more comfortable to speak about teen pregnancy. Female adolescents will not have to live in fear of acceptance from their peers, family, or society because I can bet you that all these girls want is to feel safe and welcomed and supported throughout the pregnancy. They want to be able to see their parents eyes without having this feeling that they will not look back. Parents you have the right to feel disappointed or in desperation to know of the full details that caused the pregnancy but before you blow up at your children give them a hug first and tell them that you are there for them. I know it sounds contradicting but I find it best that everything settles down first before the questions rise into action.

Teen pregnancy is a controversial topic to speak about and I totally understand if you have a completely different outlook on this matter. I am not a mother only a seventeen year old girl but I believe that once when you are open minded, you are able to view many perspectives in the discussion.

What do you see in the picture?

This is the actual picture I had to describe

xx Chavelita