Day 27: Near death experience

Not too long ago in my 'Thirty facts about me' blogpost I had mentioned that I was allergic to walnuts and pecans, two nuts at the time that I didn't know that were related and would give me the same allergic reaction.

One day one of my closest friends had invited me over to make a cake, I do not recall at the moment what was the cake for but as we were baking this cake everything was going well. Mixing in the contents according to the instructions on the box and preheating the oven to avoid having to wait another ten minutes to heat up. Well my friend she has the characteristics of a wonderful hostess who likes to over her guests food and beverages. On the kitchen counter laid a bag of whole nuts that I was not completely familiar with and she offered some to try.  My friend told me that they were "Mexican nuts" so I thought, why not give these "Mexican nuts" a try. That should have been a red flag to begin with but nope that didn't stop me from risking my life. So I didn't just have one whole nut but I had two and to this day I keep asking myself why did I eat two when eating the first one I was already feeling uneasy? I am not sure if many of you have experienced an allergic reaction but before any physical changes begin to happen a strong pang of fear overcomes your body at the fact that you did eat something you were allergic too and you're not sure what will outcome be. Normally when I eat walnuts, I would only get puffy, itchy lips and a really irritated tongue no irritated skin or break into hives none of that happened. I thought, wow how lucky was I to not go into a severe shock after eating something that can potentially take my life away. Until I realized that those "Mexican nuts" were in fact pecans, my body was already breaking into sweats and the coughing had commenced. Now not only do I have to try to keep calm so that my friend does not freak out that she had fed me something I was allergic to but she had confirmation class that day in which she asked me to watch the cake as her mom took her to church. So imagine me, house sitting as I watched a cake rise from its liquid substance to a rather puffy texture, a mobile device that was nearly out of charge, and my allergic reaction getting worse by the minute. I remember telling myself deep breaths... You live just down the street, when you get home just take a Benadryl like you normally do and everything will be dandy.

Only not everything was dandy.

So many questions I had that day. Like how did my mom not realize I was having an allergic reaction? She notices EVERYTHING! Have a small cut on your finger? She will alarmingly start interrogating you as to how and when you got that cut. Why didn't I tell my mom? Okay at least I know the answer to this one, I was afraid of what she was going to say and do to me for not using my head this one time. Also just having the idea of being rushed into the emergency room terrifies me... Could I have died during the night? Yes I could of. My skin was red, swollen and itchy something that I have never seen before in my life. Breathing was becoming a struggle but I kept reminding myself that everything will be okay and if I were to freak out, that I was going to lose. Perhaps God pitied me that night, saw how much I regretted, how much I metaphorically soiled my pants from fear, yet still had hope that the allergic reaction will pass just like the other ones did, to have given me another chance to live. The next day I got chewed out by my mom when she found out about my miraculous night, also the fact that my eyes were swollen was no help. So no matter how much I tried to keep this night a secret, everything just ended up spilling out. Lesson learned, never keep an allergic reaction to yourself. Never eat foods that are mysterious unless you have the hospital on speed dial or an EpiPen in case something happens. I have learned to have my parents or a friend try out pastries for pecans or walnuts before I try myself. Overall, if you feel suspicious to eat something, then don't eat it, it's not worth the risk. If you can prevent an allergic reaction, then avoid them! Do not follow my foot steps on this one. Learn from my mistake.

Are there any foods you are allergic to?

xx Chavelita

PS. I did eventually tell my friend about what happened that night and she did freak out. I wouldn't blame her I would of done the same thing. She apologized immensely and even scolded myself for not telling her anything. Hopefully she is not holding herself against it still. Sometimes even the man of steel needs to ask for help, so when you do not feel well please tell someone.

Scenario: Eliminate the should haves

But do you know what this means? Have you considered about the dangers you are about to place onto yourself? How will I break this to your family? You will not be able to turn back to the life you have grown up to know. All this time you spent struggling to find out what specialties make you stand out from the rest only to realize that those talents are yours to keep. Talents that nobody can steal from you. Everything that you once knew will simply float away with the rest of your unspoken thoughts.

From the look in your eyes I know you had plenty to say I only wish you expressed them instead of having them consume your every motivation. If I were to write a eulogy for you I wouldn’t even know where I begin… 

Should I begin with the day we met? That hot summer morning on my way to my Grandmother’s house and you were just moving into the house next door? I still remember we were about twelve both looking confused as ever when our eyes locked into place for the first time because frankly our neighborhood barely had any new residents.  Our town was only a spec on the map, even with a magnify glass you could barely see us. Of the odds though you were the only person I was able to confide myself to and I am not sure if it was because we both came from tough pasts of losing a parent before we were even able to walk or because you found me crying on the front porch that night when my father had too much to drink. You didn’t even ask me any questions, you only split your cherry Popsicle in half and handed me the other half. We both sat there licking away while the rest of the world was crumbling before our eyes. Even though you did not speak a lot, your gestures did speak for themselves and when you did speak I was always left in dismay. Just like that one time someone decided to vandalize my locker with the words "heifer" and "moo" scattered onto my locker and with the only thought that came to my mind was how much of a loser I was. But then you said…

“Carly, you mustn’t be so hard on yourself there are plenty of people out there who already wants to make you miserable. Don’t be on their side; you have way too much to offer to just have it be wasted in self-pity. Come on say it with me. Team Carly! I am not hearing you! TEAM CARLY!”

To this day I can still hear you chanting “team Carly” and in all honesty you saved my life. For once I was able to remove the blanket I had been using to cover my mirror and gave myself a good look. I wept as though I was in shock in seeing an old friend and smiling and laughing for being ever so grateful of being alive to experience this moment. You were able to find the Carly I had lost since I was fourteen. 

Or should I begin on our first day of school? We were both assigned to the same teacher Mrs. Flowers and as our little joke we would always bring a flower because her last name was Flowers and we would place it on her desk without being caught. Most of the time her desk was cluttered with flower petals but I don't think that had bothered Mrs. Flowers. Being anonymous at that time seemed more exciting and bad butt than simply leaving flowers out in the open. We did things not to seek attention but more to see how others would react. Our classmates always sent out odd expressions in our direction but I didn’t care as long as I was spending time with you. Then during recess I would stand on your shoulders to peer out of the windows to see Mrs. Flowers sniffing the yellow rose we had given her that day and you would beg me to get off as your legs wobbled uncontrollably. We were only kids without a clue that we were making a difference in Mrs. Flowers’s life. 

So this is why I need you to wake up Nate. I need you to know of how much you impacted my life and how much you have caused ripples in other people’s lives. No one knows your story more than you do. To be part of your story is the same as saying that I was only the icing to the cake, but in reality many people come to eat the cake because that is where most of the richness comes from. Your mother right now has been sleeping in an uncomfortable seat next to you for the past three days with a fear that if she leaves, that she may not be able to see you or even have a chance to say goodbye. Please do not make me say goodbye. Please… I am not ready; I should have told you that I love you when I had the chance. I should have known better not to have let you leave my house when you said you needed space. I should have kept an eye out for you to know that you arrived home safely because I know you would have done the same. You were always the strong one. So strong, that not even your best friend was able to tell that you were screaming for help. I am so so sorry, Nate. I wish you can acknowledge how awful I feel for not doing the best I can, I should have done better. I cannot forgive myself for being so careless and I cannot even imagine how terrified your mother had felt when she found you in the tub next to empty bottles of pain killers. I really wish you would have told me about the battles you have been fighting; maybe I could have done something to help. Even if I was no help in conquering I could have been the supplier. Now I am wondering if I will ever see your dark brown eyes again, the same ones I have grown to love more each day since we met.

Just know that this is your final battle and no one can decide for you. It is your choice whether you want to live to see what else life has to offer or to close the book. But if you were to ask me, I still think you have plenty to write in your book. For now, I’ll just leave your other half of the cherry Popsicle right here.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I have always had a terrible time writing stories because of my writer's block sneaking up at me whenever I get the writing bug. Which is why I prefer to write poems, or short stories because they get straight to the point. If you did not get the main topic of this short story I wanted to center it around suicide and how many things are left incomplete in the act. "Eliminate the should haves" as straightforward of a title can be, instead of saying the should haves when the person has the crossed the line of no return, we should constantly be telling the ones we love that we do love and appreciate them. We cannot read minds so of course we would not know what the person is going through but we also should not wait until the last minute to be confessing the love we have to one another.

For those going through tough times just know that there is always help out there. I am sure there are people who are willing to listen to what you have to say and if you cannot find a family member or a friend you can always call, you can even text the suicide hotline if you do not feel like talking and one of their representatives will gladly be there to assist you. Here is some information that can be useful.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in the United States:
1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in United Kingdom:
+44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate)

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in France:
01 45 39 40 00

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in Russia:
007 (8202) 577-577

If you cannot find your country here is a list of Suicide Hotlines you can find them on this website:
International Suicide Hotlines

You are not alone, keep that in mind and if you are having suicidal thoughts please speak up. Being scared is okay but holding dangerous and damaging thoughts and information is not.

Love you all! You are all stronger than you think, do not forget that!

xx Chavelita