Day 5: Motorbike guy

If you do not already know by now, I have yet to learn how to drive so having a car is just a ridiculous joke for me. Which leads me to walk a little bit over a mile from my former dorm to get to church and another mile to get back to my dorm on Sundays. I want to say that is the way I stayed in shape in college, because I walked EVERYWHERE. There was this one particular Sunday I had asked a friend who I have met in my hometown who also decided to go to the same college and because during that time eating alone was a still a struggle for me, I had invited her to go eat tacos. I thought, you cannot go wrong with tacos! After mass I started to walk over to the taco restaurant, minding my own business thinking that no one was paying attention to me. Behind the church there is this sketchy street where there is like this abandoned house, shack... however you want to call it, all I know that no one could be possibly living there. The yard was untamed with tall grass and weeds growing in all directions, broken beer bottles and shards of glass scattered on the sidewalk, and trash littering the floor. Dogs were barking but there was no one walking either just cars zooming by, I simply wanted to cross the street to get the restaurant already. Now you understand why carrying pepper spray with you is important? I arrived at the restaurant and I sent my friend a message letting her know that I just got there and asking about her whereabouts. Saying that she was on her way, so I decided to sit on a bench just outside of the restaurant. Big mistake...

Sitting down on the bench, listening to music with both of my earphones in, here comes this man on a motorbike maybe he was probably in his mid-twenties or younger thinking that he was just going to pass by like all normal people in vehicles but he decides to stop in the middle of the street and asks me if I wanted a ride! A ride! I sat there thinking, "am I hearing this man correctly?" and I look at myself to see what I was wearing but it was nothing provocative at all! I just came from church, I was probably looking the most modest I can be! Then I replied, "No... I am good..." insert the awkward smile and then he left. If my makeup was on point that day or I just looked like a lost, vulnerable college girl, I would never know what motorbike guy must of been thinking when he saw me. This all happened my first semester of college too, so I think after this incident I have come to realize that when you are on your own anything can happen. Which is why you must always be careful so what I have learned from this day is to...

1. Never wait outside of a bench especially on a sketchy back street of an apartment complex
2. Keep your pepper spray close to you in case you do have to use it
3. Be aware of your surroundings at all time and if you feel like someone is watching you, call someone on the phone
4. If you have to wait on someone, it is just best to wait inside even if it is during the day

Never thought my taco trip would be turning into a life lesson...

How was your first semester coming back from school or college?

xx Chavelita

Day 3: The Magic Dust (Short Story)

Every day in the spring there was this little girl in the field sprinkling glitter over the same patches of dirt and for days on, nothing would grow. The old man, who was a farmer that lived next door, would watch her sprinkle glitter every day at the same hour but would act as if he did not see her. Until one rainy day, the little girl did not show up. Concerned that something had happened, the old man went next door to where she lived and found her sitting on her front porch with her head between her knees. The older man, with one foot on the step and his cane holding the remainder of his weight, sat down next to her. In silence, the trickling of the rain filled the void. Instantaneously, the little girl lifted her head to find that the older man was watching the rain droplets hit the ground one after the other.

“Can I ask you a question?” asked the little girl as she swatted a mosquito away.

The old man simply nodded.

“Why don’t you plant corn anymore? Momma would always talk about the days she would play in your corn when she was little and you would yell at her to get out. You even told her that you were going to cut her ear off if you found her!”

The old man let out a chuckle which soon faded into the same straight face he arrived with. Turning towards the little girl, he replied with a question of his own.

“Why is it that every day for the past two months you have been in my garden sprinkling glitter on the same patches of dirt? That dirt has not been able to support life for the last fifteen years. And do not go on and tell me that you have not been in my garden because I can see you from my front porch.”

The little girl as bashful as she can be, cleared her throat and answered straight away.

“For two months, Papa has not been home. Momma told me he left for an important job. I thought Momma would be very happy for Papa but she has been very sad and has been sleeping almost all day since he went. Nana just tells me that she is really tired but that Nana and Momma loves me very much. So I thought sprinkling magic dust in your garden would bring back the corn and it would make Momma happy again.”

The old man was speechless. Magic dust? Perhaps no one has bothered to tell the little girl that glitter and magic dust were not the same, that there was no such thing as magic dust. But the old man kept quiet and allowed the little girl to keep her belief in the magic dust. He had no idea that his corn had brought out more abundance than what he intended to. For the past thirty years, the old man has been living on his own and it was not until fifteen years ago that he fell ill and was not able to take care of the farm on his own. During his recovery, no one attended the farm and the crops one by one withered away. With that being said, the old man no longer had the motivation to continue growing crops even with the help of his sons and grandsons. What remained of his farm were patches of uneven dirt.

“Hey mister! Now it is your turn to answer my question!”

The old man nods and began to speak.

“I guess I just ran out of magic dust. Do you think you can share with me some of your magic dust?”

Just like that the little girl excitedly ran inside her house and pulled out a red wagon filled with assorted containers of glitter labeled in magic marker as “magic dust” and before she headed down the stairs of her front porch, she grabbed a small vile of magic dust and handed it to the old man.

“Sometimes I like to carry a little bit of magic dust around with me just in case.” smiled the little girl. 

...

Everybody needs a little bit of magic dust in their life to keep their sparkle.

xx Chavelita

The time I nearly got arrested

Now that I am on break I now have more time to actually sit down and write. Which means... STORY TIME! I actually do not remember when was the last time I have told you a story so here we go!

As most of you know I am currently a freshman in college going to university in the United States and I will not lie to you all I feel like a baby again because I am experiencing so many things for the first time again that it is frightening but at the same time exciting. At the end of my fall semester instead of taking a bus like I did in Thanksgiving to go see my family, I was going to fly. I have flown before, multiple times but never have I flown on my own. My anxiety on a scale from one to ten was about a seven on that early morning. I could not stop feeling bad for putting my kindhearted mentor in the position of taking me to the airport such early hours of the morning. At least that lowered some of my anxiety because now I just had to worry about getting through the airport on my own.

Arriving at the airport it was about four in the morning, I thank my mentor and I wish her a Merry Christmas before I close the passenger door behind me. Pulling my purple suitcase behind me, I look back to make sure that I had everything before entering the airport. The line was not so bad to check in my suitcase, ever since I was a little girl I have been told to always arrive at least two hours before the flight to ensure that what has to get done could be done without having to stress over missing the flight. While the suitcase goes through a security check point of its own I begin to head to my own security check point. The line was again not long. For those of you who do not know when you arrive at the airport before any flight you have to check-in any bags you want to take along with you to the flight but do not want to carry throughout the journey. Then you have a carry-on that you can carry along with you onto the plane but you and that bag has to go through a separate security of its own. By protocol you have to remove all the layers that is not your pants, shirt, or socks and have to put in a tub to go through a scanner. The same procedure goes for your liquids (you want to make sure that all of your liquids are below the amount you can carry with you) and that if you are carrying a laptop to take out of the case. At this point I thought I was doing pretty well, even patting myself on the back a bit for being able to get through this all on my own. Until it was my turn to go through the scanner. At the airport they have these portable X-ray machines that swivels around you and inspects your body for any weapons or prohibited items. Since I have not been placed in one of these X-ray swivel machines, I could not stop the feeling like I was a criminal. Even after I went through the machine I had to get my head patted because I displayed signs of danger. I was not even wearing my hair up in fact I was wearing a beanie because I did not bother to brush my hair for the flight. Gathering my belongings I realized that one of my tubs did not return to me which caused me to panic. Going through security is a fast paced process so losing something during that I would not blame you. Scanning my surroundings I find my missing tub only one of the officers was holding it and I already knew something wrong was bound to happen. 

Some of this conversation is altered but here is how I mainly remember.

"Those are my belongings" I state worriedly.

"I need you to step aside ma'am" the officer signals behind the scanner.

"Ma'am are you carrying any sharp weapons with you today?"

"...Not that... wait... *heart drops as the officer approaches my wallet* I have a sharp weapon in the pocket of my wallet"

"We have asked you multiple times for sharp weapons..."

"I am so sorry I have forgotten that there was a knife there. I am sorry. So sorry..." my voice softens.

"You cannot take this knife with you on the plane, do you have someone you can give this knife to? Or can you put this knife in your check-in luggage?"

"I already checked in my bag, is there a way I can mail the knife to my house?"

"There is a mailing center but we do not sale stamps."

"Okay... Well let me call my friend.."

Just when I thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I hit a wall. Not only was I feeling bad that my mentor drop me off early in the morning and sacrificed a portion of her sleep for me but she had to turn around and come back to pick up my knife. At this point I am not sure if I am able to get over this amount of guilt that has build up in just half an hour. In order to give my knife to my mentor I had to remove myself for the security check point meaning that once when I hand over my knife to her I have to go through security a second time. TWICE! Because once was just not enough... Even on my second time around I had to get my head patted. Now I am starting to think that there is something my head that even I do not know about. Forgetting what humiliation felt like, this day has sure reminded me of that sensation. I also lost my favorite beanie that day to top the whole disaster. 

Well guys now you know that anything can pretty much go when you are traveling. If you are doing any traveling at some point of your life just remember to leave all potential weapons and prohibited items at home. Have someone check you before you are pulled away by an officer for further questioning. I actually thought I was going to put through customs and have more questions asked then I would of definitely broke into tears. I want to say that the most hilarious part of this all is that before I left my dorm room, I thought let me leave my pepper spray so I will not get stopped by the airport... Ha ha ha... Just do not give me weapons, I beg you. I only accepted to take the knife so that my parents knew I would be safe on my own. Perhaps this is my sign that I need to learn another way of defending myself without having to carry items that can hurt someone, even myself. In my head I was also trying to place myself in the officer's shoes and all that came across to me is that even the little ones you have to look out for. 

How was your first experience traveling alone?

xx Chavelita

Day 27: Near death experience

Not too long ago in my 'Thirty facts about me' blogpost I had mentioned that I was allergic to walnuts and pecans, two nuts at the time that I didn't know that were related and would give me the same allergic reaction.

One day one of my closest friends had invited me over to make a cake, I do not recall at the moment what was the cake for but as we were baking this cake everything was going well. Mixing in the contents according to the instructions on the box and preheating the oven to avoid having to wait another ten minutes to heat up. Well my friend she has the characteristics of a wonderful hostess who likes to over her guests food and beverages. On the kitchen counter laid a bag of whole nuts that I was not completely familiar with and she offered some to try.  My friend told me that they were "Mexican nuts" so I thought, why not give these "Mexican nuts" a try. That should have been a red flag to begin with but nope that didn't stop me from risking my life. So I didn't just have one whole nut but I had two and to this day I keep asking myself why did I eat two when eating the first one I was already feeling uneasy? I am not sure if many of you have experienced an allergic reaction but before any physical changes begin to happen a strong pang of fear overcomes your body at the fact that you did eat something you were allergic too and you're not sure what will outcome be. Normally when I eat walnuts, I would only get puffy, itchy lips and a really irritated tongue no irritated skin or break into hives none of that happened. I thought, wow how lucky was I to not go into a severe shock after eating something that can potentially take my life away. Until I realized that those "Mexican nuts" were in fact pecans, my body was already breaking into sweats and the coughing had commenced. Now not only do I have to try to keep calm so that my friend does not freak out that she had fed me something I was allergic to but she had confirmation class that day in which she asked me to watch the cake as her mom took her to church. So imagine me, house sitting as I watched a cake rise from its liquid substance to a rather puffy texture, a mobile device that was nearly out of charge, and my allergic reaction getting worse by the minute. I remember telling myself deep breaths... You live just down the street, when you get home just take a Benadryl like you normally do and everything will be dandy.

Only not everything was dandy.

So many questions I had that day. Like how did my mom not realize I was having an allergic reaction? She notices EVERYTHING! Have a small cut on your finger? She will alarmingly start interrogating you as to how and when you got that cut. Why didn't I tell my mom? Okay at least I know the answer to this one, I was afraid of what she was going to say and do to me for not using my head this one time. Also just having the idea of being rushed into the emergency room terrifies me... Could I have died during the night? Yes I could of. My skin was red, swollen and itchy something that I have never seen before in my life. Breathing was becoming a struggle but I kept reminding myself that everything will be okay and if I were to freak out, that I was going to lose. Perhaps God pitied me that night, saw how much I regretted, how much I metaphorically soiled my pants from fear, yet still had hope that the allergic reaction will pass just like the other ones did, to have given me another chance to live. The next day I got chewed out by my mom when she found out about my miraculous night, also the fact that my eyes were swollen was no help. So no matter how much I tried to keep this night a secret, everything just ended up spilling out. Lesson learned, never keep an allergic reaction to yourself. Never eat foods that are mysterious unless you have the hospital on speed dial or an EpiPen in case something happens. I have learned to have my parents or a friend try out pastries for pecans or walnuts before I try myself. Overall, if you feel suspicious to eat something, then don't eat it, it's not worth the risk. If you can prevent an allergic reaction, then avoid them! Do not follow my foot steps on this one. Learn from my mistake.

Are there any foods you are allergic to?

xx Chavelita

PS. I did eventually tell my friend about what happened that night and she did freak out. I wouldn't blame her I would of done the same thing. She apologized immensely and even scolded myself for not telling her anything. Hopefully she is not holding herself against it still. Sometimes even the man of steel needs to ask for help, so when you do not feel well please tell someone.

Day 11: What happened?

I have the words, but how am I supposed to say them?
Collection of letters only to have it all lost
With only a few days left by the hem
How silly must it feel to be waiting to defrost

From a person who forgot how to smile
I wonder what happened
Was simplicity fading away with each mile?
Or did they trade in their smile hoping for something less dampened?

With these days slowly ticking
From what I used to be and transforming into what I am now
My waiting is flickering
And with time I will disallow

No more what if
No more useless I love yous
From a person who leaves me naked
To defrost in the middle of June

For whatever value brings
Do not take defeat
Shield away from the swings
That love could appear to be bittersweet

Only when I see
That me can be I
Give myself away
To the one who deserves

Me.

xx Chavelita

Life is precious

As something that is expected, could easily be taken advantage of such as life. Not everyone is guaranteed a life, but those who were blessed enough to be given one chance at this confusing but amazing living time on Earth are not appreciating this wonderful gift. I have found myself many times of not being grateful for this life I have and as awful as that sounds it's like I am living in a mode where I live to just see the next day. Everyday living to reach the next day and some part of me feels like life is much more than that and that there is so much more to offer that I am clearly not seeing.

I was about the age of thirteen when my life was shaken for a moment. On the bus heading home from middle school, I typically spent the bus ride goofing around with my two closest friends and singing along to the latest tunes of Katy Perry and Lady Gaga that the bus rider was kind enough to play loudly on the speakers. When I reached home I called out, "MOM I'M HOME!" as I normally do to announce that I made it home safely. Only this time I was not getting any response. Strange enough if my mom were to go somewhere or leave she would of told me something, right? Trying my best to stay calm I go check to see if my mom was sleeping in her bed, my dad at the time he was out of town in a training to prepare for another deployment he was going later in the year. I should explain that without warning, because that is just how life likes to take action, my mom was feeling ill a few days before and as to this day I have no idea to explain the pain she must of been to not be able to button her own pants or change her clothes.

Back to story, at this point I was beyond terrified because now the only thought that was on loop was that she was in the hospital and that somehow her condition worsen. My mom wouldn't pick up the phone and I had no way to contact my dad to ask what was going on. He was not even on the island at the time, and both of my brothers have not made it back to the house. I turned on the television in my mom's room to calm myself down but I wasn't even paying attention to what was airing, I felt frozen with fear and I began to cry. Not one of those pretty cries, not that any cry is pretty, but it was one of those uncontrollable cries where you shook so much and that at that moment is where I felt like my brain wasn't working. Several minutes have passed and my phone began to ring, it was one of my mom's friends who lived just a few blocks from us. In Spanish, she asked, "You know that your mom is in the hospital?" and there was this silence and this awful pang of disbelief and anger that my conclusions were correct. Drawing conclusions should be the total opposite of what is happening and for once I did not want my conclusions to be right. Took so much to hold myself together on that phone call, where I mainly listened but when I had to answer back I would swallow profusely to hide the fact that of all things, of course I wasn't fine. All I wanted was someone to be there with me to just hold me and remind me of how life could play some cruel tricks but that things would or could get better. I remember my mom's friend telling me that she was coming to pick me up so she can take me to the hospital to see her and I said okay, hung up, and cried.

I picked myself up, wiped away the tears, popped a piece of gum in my mouth because I have learned that keeping my mouth closed to fight back the tears will not work but if I had something occupying my mouth that I would fight through it, and waited for her to come get me. On the way there I did not talk much, not that I speak much as it is, but my mind was roaring with questions. What happened to my mom? Was she okay? Did they find out what was wrong with her? Is she coming home tonight? Was anyone able to contact my dad? This was the first time I was allowed to go to the side of hospital where they kept the patients overnight. The sensation was foreign, I felt that I was not supposed to be there and that someone was going to tell me that I couldn't enter and redirect me to the same entrance. Only I wasn't and now being lead to the end of the hall, my mom was in the second to last room to the left side of me. Memories like these do not just disappear with time but are just faded scars. They're enough to be seen but not a deep wound that everyone questions. She laid there in the hospital bed wearing the typical hospital gown and socks that had grips at the bottom of the feet to prevent her from slipping if she were to get out of bed. This was definitely the moment where I realized how much of my life is revolved around my mom and it upsets me how terrible things have to turn out in order to take full appreciation of what we may have. No one wants to see their parents in a hospital bed with an IV running through their veins.

I thank God so much that now that I am about to turn eighteen that I still have this chance to spend my moments with my mom and with my loved ones. She is indeed my everything and without her, I wouldn't be the same person I am today. I also cannot thank enough for my mom's friends for taking care of me and my brothers. For letting me have a place to stay so I wouldn't be left alone in the house, feeding me when I did not have the motivation to eat and for giving me a ride to school (and for also teaching me about my worth and value on that car trip to school but that is another story). Your support and love will forever be remembered and if you are reading this I am certain you know who you are and how much I love you all.

Life comes unannounced and most certainly life comes quick. Your life is valuable, you have the power to do anything that you want, and most important that life is precious. A gift that not everyone receives. If you are going through some tough times remember that you have the ability to make the tough times your steps in success or the anchor to your ship. Depends on how you want to take life by the reins and there is definitely support out there, ask for it and the help is all yours. Lastly just like the sermon I heard at church yesterday, your life is right in front of you if only you are willing to look up from the distractions.

What are you most grateful for?

xx Chavelita

The storage tree

Lately I have felt this heavy, not necessarily physically but like this weight of emotions on top of me that has kind of been suffocating for a while. It was not until yesterday when I spoke with my Dad did I realize that there was something that I had to change about myself. For that reason I want to share a story that he told me during our talk.

There was once a gardener and a carpenter. The gardener came to work and first he wanted to cut down some trees to make room for his garden but the machine just wouldn't turn on for him. Moments later he attempted to do another task in the garden but it started to rain that interrupted him again from completing his task. It was bad thing after bad thing, and when it was time to go home his car would not turn on so he asked the carpenter if he could take him home. The carpenter said yes because he had noticed the gardener going through his hardships. As they arrived home to the gardener's house, before the gardener went inside the house he encounters this tree on the side of his house. He touched the tree and once when he was done he invited the carpenter into his house for a cup of coffee. Drinking his coffee he begins to see the gardener playing and laughing with his children as if nothing were to happen. Which the carpenter found strange because didn't he experience a troubling day at work? When the carpenter was about to leave, the gardener escorted him out but before the carpenter could leave he had to ask him what did he do to the tree that made him lose all this anger. The gardener then said, that is the tree where I leave all my problems that has happened to me during the day. The next day I go back to the tree to pick up my problems as I go to work but usually its less problems then what I had left the night before. And with that the carpenter left in his truck.

I have always had this issue of wanting to help people and I also have this bad habit of carrying other people's burdens with me. And I told myself, I need my own tree. I need a place where I can put all these troubling thoughts and frustrations in one place, in that way it does not affect my performance in other things. It is not fair that I was affecting the people around me who did not have anything to do with my situation and it was time that I changed that. I have decided to just stay in this neutral state, I cannot force help on those who ask for it and it should not be my problem because honestly it is not my problem. I am not the one having to live through other people's situations, which is why as of now I should focus on what I have to get through and to get done. If people need help, then I'll help but that is if they only ask me for it. I also struggled to find people who would understand what it is that I was going through and all this time I have been overlooking my family for many years. It was not until my aunt told me that why I was telling outsiders my problems when I have a family who knows exactly what is going on. So guys please, do not take your family for granted because when they say they are there for you I kid you not they are there for you. And if that is not the case, usually those who are there for you, are there for you. Be careful who you tell your problems to.

How have you guys been? I hope you guys are all doing well.

xx Chavelita

Sink or swim?

Today's dream inspired me to talk about support systems such as family, friends, animals, etc. 

Last night I dreamt about being in a house that most of my family (my extended family) was lounging around in the dark chatting around and the only source of light came from the light posts from outside. We decided to take a walk and I was walking alongside my Mom when a deer approached us from the behind. The deer slowly came walking towards and suddenly came charging at me who was almost about to strike me across the forehead with his legs. And whenever you're about to get hit you embrace yourself before you actually get hurt so you somehow close your eyes and wait for the strike? Well I was expecting it but my Mom blocked the hit for me, scared off the deer, and took me to the hospital (in which in the dream I had no knowledge that I went to the hospital but I was told in my dream that I went). The rest of the dream we lounged around the couch. The end. 

When you're feeling lonely, in need of someone to talk to, or need help, support systems seem to do the trick. The thing about a support system is that it can be made through your own adjustments so it doesn't always have to follow the typical family and friends. I have also learned that speaking to your pet can also be as helpful as speaking to a person. Creative methods such as writing, singing, art, etc. can also provide a support system in which you may have trouble expressing your emotions verbally (or maybe you don't want to talk about them) with someone though these alternatives can be just as effective. The goal of this support system is to not keep things bottled in. When you need to vent/rant/talk you should do so, throw out the toxic emotions, and relieve yourself. Holding in tears, telling lies to cover up true emotions, smiling without the sensation of happiness are not productive coping techniques. They become bad habits that can really take a toll in your physical and mental health. You should never pretend to feel fine when you are not, if it takes a day to explain your situation so be it. Sometimes when people say it is a long story half of the time or maybe a quarter they are not even long. Once when you break out of your outer shell, the world seems to be a brighter and clearer place that you may have overlooked throughout the time you've been masking and hiding within that self-produced shell. 

Think of life as this metaphor, when you're at a beach before you get into the water you touch the surface, feel for yourself of how cold or hot the water may be and you watch the waves come back and forth. Your feet begin to sink into the sand. You begin to go in and the water is at your knees adjusting your body to the temperature of the water, but you're still on the surface. A little deeper and your head is the only thing above the surface. Now it's your decision, go in deeper and experience what is out there risking the fact that you may drown or you may swim or go back to the sand, watch the waves, and not know what you could of accomplished if you took that leap? Food for thought. 

I hope you're having a great day and I'll leave you with this question: What do you think the metaphor symbolizes? 

xx Chavelita