I don't know what to say

A laughter a day they say 

Could keep the sickness away 

To smile and wonder 

Can create such a blunder 

Avoid the mad, the sad, and the bad

And to just be glad 

My tears lose their meaning 

As more and more are seamlessly leaving 

Choked up in my own words

How wondrous a mind can be without cords 

I close my eyes and I count to three 

Soon I escape to a vast land of trees 

If only there was a possibility 

That one day I could expand this probability 

To be open and accept those 

Who are waiting to be close 

But instead they are placed aside 

Hoping that they would soon glide 

So I wouldn't have to manage 

The fact that one day they don't have to deal with my baggage 

Endless fights that keep me awake 

Of what could of been if I stopped being fake 

Pieces of me scream I can do it 

Though other times I'm left with a pit

How can someone be so happy 

But also feel so crappy 

If life were to give us answers instead of lemons 

Would we be content with the lessons 

So many questions 

Yet I cannot seem to get any explanations

So as of now I remain as myself 

And that someday my life will be found on a shelf 

This poem I wrote last night around 9 PM and at first it all started with the intention of writing a poem. The idea didn't come to me until I started writing, and everything just happened to spill. I called this poem, "I don't know what to say" because lately that is what I have been replying to. I have these moments where you have the words at the tip of your tongue and it's not that you're being inconsiderate but the words aren't there. Well these are the thoughts I have when that happens. I have stories, I just don't know where to begin.

What ways do you use to express yourself?

xx Chavelita 

Sink or swim?

Today's dream inspired me to talk about support systems such as family, friends, animals, etc. 

Last night I dreamt about being in a house that most of my family (my extended family) was lounging around in the dark chatting around and the only source of light came from the light posts from outside. We decided to take a walk and I was walking alongside my Mom when a deer approached us from the behind. The deer slowly came walking towards and suddenly came charging at me who was almost about to strike me across the forehead with his legs. And whenever you're about to get hit you embrace yourself before you actually get hurt so you somehow close your eyes and wait for the strike? Well I was expecting it but my Mom blocked the hit for me, scared off the deer, and took me to the hospital (in which in the dream I had no knowledge that I went to the hospital but I was told in my dream that I went). The rest of the dream we lounged around the couch. The end. 

When you're feeling lonely, in need of someone to talk to, or need help, support systems seem to do the trick. The thing about a support system is that it can be made through your own adjustments so it doesn't always have to follow the typical family and friends. I have also learned that speaking to your pet can also be as helpful as speaking to a person. Creative methods such as writing, singing, art, etc. can also provide a support system in which you may have trouble expressing your emotions verbally (or maybe you don't want to talk about them) with someone though these alternatives can be just as effective. The goal of this support system is to not keep things bottled in. When you need to vent/rant/talk you should do so, throw out the toxic emotions, and relieve yourself. Holding in tears, telling lies to cover up true emotions, smiling without the sensation of happiness are not productive coping techniques. They become bad habits that can really take a toll in your physical and mental health. You should never pretend to feel fine when you are not, if it takes a day to explain your situation so be it. Sometimes when people say it is a long story half of the time or maybe a quarter they are not even long. Once when you break out of your outer shell, the world seems to be a brighter and clearer place that you may have overlooked throughout the time you've been masking and hiding within that self-produced shell. 

Think of life as this metaphor, when you're at a beach before you get into the water you touch the surface, feel for yourself of how cold or hot the water may be and you watch the waves come back and forth. Your feet begin to sink into the sand. You begin to go in and the water is at your knees adjusting your body to the temperature of the water, but you're still on the surface. A little deeper and your head is the only thing above the surface. Now it's your decision, go in deeper and experience what is out there risking the fact that you may drown or you may swim or go back to the sand, watch the waves, and not know what you could of accomplished if you took that leap? Food for thought. 

I hope you're having a great day and I'll leave you with this question: What do you think the metaphor symbolizes? 

xx Chavelita 

Rare friends

Have you ever met someone that immediately changed your life the moment you both came into contact? I am not the one to expect a close friendship from the first few days I meet someone but in this case it was different and we still talk as of today too. It was October of my sophomore year in high school and that year of 2012 I had my 15th birthday in July. Normally you would have your quinceanera around the time of your birthday but I am guessing there was not enough time for the preparations for my "surprise" quinceanera. Why is surprise in quotation marks you may ask? That is because my Dad decided to ask me to help on my own invitations for my own party that I found out that I was having one in Puerto Rico. Perhaps it was a bit predictable too since I did tell my uncle who is a party planner of my dream quinceanera... At least the thought of creating a surprise quinceanera counts. We arrived on the island and the first thing my Dad does is that he visits his oldest brother. He runs the family business mostly on his own during the night and not once do I recall to have found him sleeping. It is like he never sleeps! Anyway, my uncle has two children but his son has his own family in which he no longer lives in Puerto Rico but he has a daughter who does. When I was such a little pea, she would call me "pulguita" which means small flea in Spanish and since then that is how she would addresses me by. She does not call me that to annoy me but to show her affection towards me. Through her is how I met my friend. I will not say her name for privacy issues but my first impression of her was how sweet she was towards me, though she was a bit reserved to herself too. Me not knowing anything about her and she immediately gives me a hug with a kiss on the cheek as if we were family like some lost cousin that my parents forgot to introduce me to. (To this day I still have a feeling that I have family that I do not know about or have not met yet...) I find it hard to believe that she is shy when she had told me because towards me she is like this radiant butterfly who affects everyone she touches. It is quite marvelous, people like that are very rare to find. I remember she came to my quinceanera with my cousin, everyone was dressed so elegantly which is something you barely see in Puerto Rico because we are usually in t-shirts and shorts all year round. Then I went to Puerto Rico again in the late springtime of March in 2013 and I was able to see her again. Honestly it felt really nice to encounter her again and still see her friends with my cousin. She is such lovely company to be around with and she rarely asks for anything. Sadly, I was not able to spend a lot of time with her personally between her work schedule and my parents plans. Though she did surprise me on my last full day of my trip when she texted me what I was doing and she came out of my Tia's car as if nothing. I was not expecting her to be honest aha. Nice to treasure my last memory of that trip with her by seeing luminescent fishes in a pond of water (I am not kidding theoe fishes were like dragonflies, when you touched the surface of the water in which they are inhabitants of they glow because it is how they defend themselves from predators) That is probably something I regret from that trip, that I was not able to spend the right amount of time with everyone. Two weeks is just not enough for me because it takes time for me to get acquainted and comfortable so by the time I am it is already time to pack my bags again. Oh well, it gives me another reason to go back to Puerto Rico. It won't be any time soon but maybe during a summer so I have more time to explore and create new memories.

Family business

My cousin's dog, Poofi <3

Bahia Bioluminiscente (Bio-Luminescent Lake)

My ticket :)

Who is someone that has impacted your life, and in what way?

xx Chavelita

Begin with yourself

It has been quite sometime that someone has spoken to me about happiness or mentioned the word to me. A simple adjective that can describe an emotion yet not that many people use it to describe themselves. I understand that as we get older, the view of life seems a bit obscure than what we would picture as children but just because some people put aside the things that made them happy, it should not mean you should do the same. We get this idea that we have to switch all our habits to new ones, and sometimes we end up switching our happiness and settling down for something that we do not want. Everyone tells us to grow up and to learn to be independent for when the time comes that we are not deliberately leaning our entire weight on our caregivers, but we get so accustomed of taking care of ourselves that we do not allow people to impact our lives (at least not so easily). It is seen as a sign of weakness or stubbornness for not letting someone into our lives because we were told that we have to support ourselves or else no one else will. It is depressing to see that the lack of connection within one another is slowly increasing, we avoid our issues and do not consult others for advice or a helping hand, we portray false smiles to "protect" ourselves and to draw away the attention from everyone else. People get the idea that having a problem makes them weak, that they are pestering if they tell someone, a loser for not being able to come up with the solution, and above all worthless because I will not lie I have done all these things some point in my life too. Yet I have realized that it is not the problem causing you to feel that way but it is the self perspective that you mentally molded into yourself. Before people have the time to judge one another, you tend to beat everyone to it by judging yourself and most of the time it is not even pretty thing and when people do compliment one another we have a difficult time believing it. I live in a world that everything said and done has to come with a reason or explanation because when you make a kind gesture people may think you want something out of it and when you speak wrongly of others people want to hear more because they are more likely to believe negativity over the positivity. This world is far from sun shines and butterflies as we gain more knowledge from the experiences made but we also have the choice as to how we want to see this world. You do not have to prove to anyone of your abilities or reinforce the person you are, if you have an idea of who you are and what it is that you want to achieve then that is fantastic. An idea is a great way to start the search in who you are. As simple as this sounds, there are still people discovering themselves. In my opinion, I am not certain that anyone knows about themselves inside and out. Every experience shapes that us and who we were yesterday can be a different person tomorrow. Just remember, do not be hard on yourself. Praise yourself when you can, ask when you are not certain, give out genuine smiles, and do not be mean to yourself or others.

What is something that you have discovered about yourself?

xx Chavelita