The lonely monster

Is there some sort of correlation that the more alone you are the more weirder you are? So not too long ago the Lent season approached me like a slap in the face. Here I am focused on what needs to get done in school so I would remain in the IB program and still be eligible for the IB diploma, then Lent comes. For a while before Lent though, I always think about something to sacrifice for the 40 days of Lent and the most challenging one yet is the one I am doing now which is not using social media. Do you understand what that means for a teenager like me to not be online? Might as well just walk in the dark and hope that I do not mistaken one of my steps for a ditch. I do not know if I have mentioned this before but my Dad is in the military and we are stationed in the United States but most of my family lives in Puerto Rico so how do I communicate with them? That's right through Facebook. Though I thought it would be nice to have some time for myself to gather my thoughts, reflect what I have done and what I want to do in the future, and this is where I test which people in my life are the ones that make it worth living. And you want to know what I have noticed so far?

1. I do not talk to a lot of people
2. Why do I have a phone? I barely talk to people. 
3. Most of my free time is invested in bed...sleeping. 
4.  I really need to work on my social skills
5. That buildings have ceilings 
6. I daydream way too much about people and hypothetical arguments
7. Time moves slowly when you are constantly checking for messages and there aren't any messages
8. Avoiding situations is hard when there is no distractions 
9. I am my own best friend since I spend most of my time alone that I find myself laughing at my own jokes...
10. Complaining is useless when you have no one to tell it to 

I could continue going, but I think you all have the gist of how my way of self-discovery is coming along. Though as of now I am slowly getting adjusted to not having my face in my phone screen and actually looking around my surroundings and actually talking to people face to face. By far face to face communication is my favorite way of socializing even though I may choke on my own saliva while laughing, have brain farts in between my sentences and mumble, my facial expressions makes up for all those embarrassing moments. Even messaging people has reduced immensely, now I just say what I need to say and I end the conversation. Drama is not my forte nor do I want to be sucked into that vortex. I do not need anymore stress as it is. To think about it, I bet my mom is going to be happy when she sees the phone bill... Besides the point, sometimes you need to eliminate the distractions in order to get to the core of your problems or to be able to get to know yourself without the influence of others. I am surprising myself everyday of how much my behavior has changed and how I am handling with things like school, advice, people, and so forth. 

A selfie for my readers since I have no where else to put it... even in this picture looks like I am crying for help... This is only the beginning... Must stay strong!)

What are one of the tough sacrifices you have made?

xx Chavelita

Sponge

Many times you hear that you should learn to forgive your peers so that you have a clear conscience to move forward in life or that forgiving is the mature thing to do when getting into arguments among others. Yet, how many times have you heard that you should learn to forgive yourself? Of course, our friends will commit mistakes, even our parents do and there are times that we find space in our hearts to forgive them but what about space to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made? We are not perfect or at least I have yet to see a perfect person but we tend to forget a lot about ourselves and about how we feel in situations.

I have to admit, we are like sponges. There are times that we soak up to the tiniest bit of information regardless of the topic and there are times that stains appear on us, usually these consist of memories. The substance could either be historical context from English class or it could range to the latest gossip that runs around the halls at school. Then there are the stains that are really difficult to remove. The constant need to rinse out the sponge and to scrub only to have the stain still faintly there. If you are wondering where I am going with this metaphorical talk, this is it, this is how we handle information. What we soak up can be temporarily beneficial for us that can later be applied when the right time comes and the stains is the information that sticks with us. Not all stains are bad but they linger more. With information comes with emotion attached and these memories are more potent because you are able to relate to them at a personal level.

Forgiving yourself just like you forgive others does not happen overnight. As we get older I feel it gets harder to forgive since we hold on to memories a bit more tightly than we should and we can be a bit hardheaded to look past the actions that happened during the transition. All of the sudden you feel this confusion eating you up to the point of having sleepless nights. You attempt to connect the dots as to what is going on and before you know it you are left thinking who's fault is it and what should be done in order to solve this problem, and all this shibang. Here I am to tell you that you first need to step away from the picture. Let your brain breathe and take a moment to collect itself. Maybe before you ask advice from someone, write down what you know happened or any details that you can remember then read it back to yourself. Is everything accurate from what you recall? A mistake that I always find myself doing is making irrational decisions based on the current mood I am in. Like when I am bothered by something and I have the tendency to straightforwardly tell my friends my thoughts on the certain matter. There was even times that I would pass incorrect or misheard information so it is important that you know what you are talking about before your venting process because something else. But throughout the day I find my sanity back and I look back to my messages and I cringe because of how irrational I reacted for something that did not even last a day of my emotions.

Now I am not telling you that what happens in arguments is your fault (well it could be the case sometimes) but I am saying that you are responsible for yourself. If you feel like something is troubling you and you are not quite sure what it is I like to think that it is because you are going through a change. Changes within ourselves are great, they are weird but necessary to reevaluate ourselves and update our self-perception of the world, ourselves and others. So coming back to forgiving yourself, you should not hold yourself accountable for every little thing that went wrong especially if they were not done on purpose. Forgive yourself in a way that you no longer feel like a weight of an elephant is on your chest or shoulders. Things you can forgive yourself are things like...

• not being yourself
• crying yourself to sleep
• talking gossip
• taking things for granted or people for granted
• for telling yourself all the cannots instead of all the can dos
• not getting enough sleep 
• for skipping meals or feeling self-concious of your body

I joke around a lot with my friends, telling them that you do not need a bully because you are your own bully and to a certain extent this is true. Do not belittle yourself for the way you do things, you should stick to doing things your own way in a form that you feel comfortable in expressing yourself. 

Forgive yourself and watch how things will start to slowly fall into place. Do not hold grudges or anything that will keep you from being the amazing person you are. 

xx Chavelita

Being Small

 

There isn't a time I remember when I was average size
Where my mother did not have to explain her friends that I was actually seventeen
And to this day I hear my father's voice that we measure our foreheads to the skies
But that did not stop everyone else from questioning that I was a teen

Days went by where I tell myself being small is perfectly fine
Until I go to school and I hear people whispering about me like I don't hear them
Sometimes I wish I turned around and told them to back off before I get them in line
But what difference will that make?

Shopping has a whole new story of its own
To pick out shoes is such a chore
Nothing would fit, I felt so prone
Little girl shoes are all that fit me, at this point I just wanted to leave the store

My doctor informs me that growing is no longer a choice
That what I got, is what I got
And when I saw him again I would stand tall even though I was losing my voice
Was God putting me on the spot?

My self-confidence plummeted and I could not make ends meet
What if my mom said yes to inject me with hormones?
Would I have grown to reach five feet?
Will that make me feel normal?

Looking through pictures, I stand out
As time went on I started getting comfortable in my skin
To find some sense of doubt
Should not cause my head to spin

I will wear my size two converse with pride
Show the world that I am not weak
And all the criticism from people to slide 
Because being small is quite unique

This morning I came across this video on Facebook about a group of poetry teenagers called Get Lit where they speak about current events. I thought this was very jaw dropping and inspiring that even I wrote my own poem to talk about the situation that small people come across on a daily basis. Although these events I speak about may seem minimal, you will not understand the struggle unless actually have small feet or people speaking behind your back like you're at some freak show on display. Just know for these insecurities, it is what makes you stand out and shine especially for being able to accept them or overcome these insecurities.

(Bare with me that I do not normally record myself aha) 

What is a insecurity that inspires you to prove others wrong?

xx Chavelita