Day 28: From Psychiatrist to Veteran Psychologist

How about that future? While I went to go visit some good friends for the last time before they move out of town, I came across thinking about my future again. Which is not so bad to be thinking about your future, nice to keep those creative juices flowing. Here is how my process of determining my future started. When I was in high school I had gone to Puerto Rico to visit my family and anytime I get to see them is a pleasure. Yet when you do not see family for a long time, they get curious and one of the questions that is never failed to be asked is, "Que vas hacer despues de la escuela?" (What are you going to do after you finish school). At least at that time I had an idea usually I would just shy away and avoid the question as a whole. Well my uncle who is a General Family Doctor asked me that one day I was sitting outside enjoying the sun and breeze. In which I had replied that I wanted to be a psychologist. I was starting to get into psychology because I already knew I wanted to help people in some way and I could picture myself doing that for a good portion of my life. I felt so confident in my answer until my uncle throws in the idea that I should become a psychiatrist instead. This was way before I knew about medicine taking care of the mentally sick so as naive I could be for a fifteen year old I said okay.

Well towards the end of my high school career, I had lost a great friend because of medicine that was used to take care of her emotions. And you know it was not so much how I was treated because of how the medicine changed her behavior but the fact that I was there from the start and saw how the medicine changed her completely from someone I could read from the back of my hand to someone I couldn't find the words to tell her. I am not going to go into much detail but that is when I realized that I cannot go into medicine. I cannot live with myself knowing that if I gave someone medicine to control their mood and they went through the same difficult transition of having their neurotransmitters and or hormones altered, I would probably not be able to forgive myself. Which brings me in to as I went to apply for college. I decided to stay as a psychology major and find another way I can help people without having to handle medicine. I am a strong believer of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), which is therapy to help shape or mold unhealthy behaviors into better behaviors by implementing problem solving techniques and ways of coping with the situation that the person is going through. I rather sit down with my patient and speak to them but I will not be prescribing medicine, I will refer them to a psychiatrist if needed but that is the most that I will do for them in that case.

Throughout my first year of college I had two fields of psychology in mind to specialize in, Clinical or Counseling. Which these fields are more or less in the same ball park because in Clinical it is more research based on mental illness or like the alterations of function of the mind while Counseling you have more of the hands on experience of diagnosing patients. At least that is what I think, these are not the formal terms but for the sake of this blogpost I'm going to keep it casual. So I have gotten myself involved in research to learn more about the different fields of psychology to see if there was something that I was missing out that I would probably like to consider as I get closer to graduate school. And if my lab mentor is reading this she is going to be happy, but I have found Human Factors psychology to be an interesting field. It was not until I got to college that I found out what Human Factors psychology was and I like to refer to this field as like the engineering of psychology. There is just so many fascinating researches happening at my university in this field and I am constantly hearing about The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) and how big of role Human Factors play. Sometimes even I want to fangirl and I am probably the one that is least interested in comparison with my lab mates.

Then I had a conversation with my oldest brother who has already graduated from college about how my classes were going and I do not remember clearly what I had written on Facebook but we got to the topic of Veteran Psychologist. I imagined myself being a Veteran Psychologist and the idea of being one is not bad at all. Growing up as a military kid, I am familiar with veteran hospitals so to picture myself working at one, I do not think it would be a bad idea. I would also be giving back to the veterans and I may also get benefits for working with the government so that would be another thing that I would not have to worry about. I know that I am may be potentially placing myself in a difficult path because of possible stories from these veterans but I am still willing to give it a go. Who knows what I will learn from that experience if I decide to settle with this route in the future.

Overall my love for psychology has only grown in abundance and I am excited about learning more of what other fields of psychology has to offer before having to make my final decision for grad school! I also want to add that you can always change your future, you do not have to settle down with your childhood career or with someone else's idea of who you should be if you do not want to. Figuring out your future is a process that constantly needs work so please do not expect that it is going to come with a snap of a finger or with a rub of a lamp (trust me I tried and it sadly did not work). You take the time your need to plan out what you want to take with this life that we are given. I doubt anyone has their life completely planned out from start to finish so do not be afraid to try new things and to enjoy the ride as you figure out what you want to accomplish and become!

What career do you have in mind?

xx Chavelita

Day 26: What I have learned about my college town

Living in my college town, you kind of start to pick up on a few things. Some intentionally, other times unintentionally, and most times forcefully. Coming from a town where seeing a tree meant that it was your lucky day to a town where a tree could be found at any corner, I was a happy camper. I was able to embrace more of the raw nature that the Earth had to offer which also meant lovely sit downs underneath a tree for reading or studying. But just like any place you move into, you have to learn how to deal with the unpredictable features that comes from the city.

1. Embrace the wind or plan not to wear a dress or skirt
2. Carry an umbrella with you no matter how lovely the day may be looking at the moment
3. Country music will either make you or break you
4. English is mainly spoken so for those who know another language, make sure you have someone you get to speak your additional language so you will not start forgetting that language
5. Rain and the road do not get along, the roads will flood if there is rain so make sure you have a pair of rain boots or shoes that you are not afraid to get wet and another pair of socks
6. When you feel like it is safe to put away your winter clothes, do not put your winter clothes away
7. My college town is very flat so tornadoes can be a possible threat so always listen to directions if there happens to be one nearby
8. Just because it was warm during the day does not guarantee a warm night, carry a sweater around with you
9. My college town is indeed a college town for the fact that you mostly find my college merchandise or emblem dominating most stores
10. Mostly everybody I have met has different shade of blue or green eyes and are lovely people 

My college town's weather is quite different from my hometown given the fact that I am used temperatures peaking 100 degrees Fahrenheit, hot wind blowing, sandstorms, and little rain. I am just surprised that without even leaving the state, temperatures could differ among cities. And the in between tips of the atmosphere is there to give more a perspective of how the people are like. Which in all, my college town is decent and full of life which I enjoy and appreciate to have chosen to live there during my college semesters. 

How's the weather like near you?

xx Chavelita

Day 25: Research Interviews

To be a research assistant was never on my to-do list nor did I know that being a research assistant was a thing until I had received an email from my psychology adviser that there was positions open. My initial reason to become a research assistant was to step out of my comfort zone. I knew I wanted college to be different than how I spent my years in high school and I wanted to make sure that in college I was getting the best experience possible as an undergraduate. So when I sat down with the application open to apply for my first research assistant position, I had no idea what I was getting myself into and yeah I was stressing out as I would normally but from the back of my mind I knew if I did not follow through this opportunity I was going to be regretting and wondering what would of happened if I only submitted my application. I also never thought about how I would feel if my application got rejected so I came in with such high hopes for a new beginning. A few days passed since I had submitted my application and one of the graduate students emails me back an email introducing himself to me and how my application stood out especially for that fact that I was a freshman without even stepping into college yet. A part of myself was making sure that this was actually happening and the other half was kind of anxious and curious about what would happen next. Within the first few weeks that classes has started I scheduled my interview appointment to go meet up with the person who had given me feedback on my application. Which to this day I still find weird that I had the ability to schedule when I wanted my interview and at what time...

The psychology research labs at my university are located in the basement of the psychology building and walking downstairs for the first time to the basement was pretty creepy and unexpected. You have to open a door to get access to the stairs and even then the stairs were dimly lit, one wrong step and who knows where would I end up. There are still times where I will miss a step and nearly fall down those stairs, so knock on wood that my day does not come. In the basement of the psychology building though the lights were bright and if anything all you can hear is the hum of the furnace. The rooms down in the basement for the majority time are closed and are only open if someone were running labs or waiting for their participant to come participate in their study. Well I sat down outside of the room where my interview was going to be held at and I kind of just stalled. I knew that I was early and I felt like my anxiety was kicking in because my thoughts would be on loop. "Ok... in ten minutes I will get up and knock on the door" "Alright in five minutes..." "In a minute..." until I had to actually knock on the door, I would just think about at what time I would knock on the door. With enough time to be considered early and on time, I gave a loud knock. 

The interview process was oddly really casual. There was even laughing and side stories included like how statistics just gets more and more alphabet as the content advances. I sat down in the adjacent seat by him and we just spoke. The only technical thing that I was asked to do is to get certified as a research assistant by doing the online trainings that were found on the university's website and on the National Institute of Health website. I was expecting like a proper eye to eye, seat table seat, interview. I remember what I had worn that day, I had ironed my sleeveless white shirt with crosses and had on tight khaki jeans. And as usual with my potato sack Toms to complete the outfit. I do not remember if I had a resume on me at the time because I had just gotten out of high school so I did not know how to make a college resume if I did not have any experience to write about. Even with that, I was given the position. Except what I have come to realize that so far all of the research assistant positions that I have applied and been interviewed for, I was never told a direct answer that I was accepted as their research assistant. I had to assume that I was accepted when my interviewers started talking about how they should contact me and when they would ask about my schedule details. 

On my second interview, the interview went even more casually because I had already known my interviewer since she was the teacher (or is it teaching?) assistant to my former Statistics class and she would teach our class on Fridays in the afternoon. In the first weeks that I have started college, I was concerned about my future and I already know what you are going to tell me that I am still too young to be concern about my future but that is what anxiety does to you. Makes you worry more than you should and the only way I was going to stop worrying is if I handled my concern. I did not know my Statistics TA that well but my first impression of her was that she was funny, awkward, and friendly. I knew that that was enough for me to put my trust in her that she would help me out with my situation. I wrote a thorough email explaining about graduate school and research. Soon throughout the week that I had emailed her, she replied back with such warm words. For someone who did not know me she sure accepted me pretty quick and offered her assistance to me. Half through my first semester of college, she emails our class about how she was looking for research assistants to come help her out in her research lab. I remember her mentioning in an email or in person that she was waiting for a response for me since I have been interested in doing research. Well on the day of my interview I sit down and we talk like it was just another day. And again she starts asking for my schedule without even telling me directly that I was accepted as her new research assistant. I am starting to wonder if this is a trend that happens to interviewers and their interviewees. 

My most recent interview was before I left home for the summer, I had decided to do apply for another position only this time I was not alone. During my tutoring session for Research Methods my Supplemental Instructor mentioned to my lab mate and I that there was an opportunity for us. The opportunity he has been talking with us for a while and it was that we had the chance to create our own study. Maybe we won't run the study but we would be able to learn the process in making a study and what it takes to get one starting. Since both my lab mate and I were first year college students he saw a lot of potential which was really sweet of him to mention when he had given us both good words of acknowledgement to the professor that he was doing research under. On the last week of school I meet up with another graduate student and although I did not know my interviewer personally, I did hear about her and from what I have heard she seems like a good person to get along with. In which she was because the interview went so smoothly, it did not like feel like an interview like my previous interviews. 

Reflecting over my research interviews and how much I have gone through as the lost college student to the less lost college student, I feel super grateful for taking the chances when I could. I had stepped out of my comfort zone and I carried my anxiety on my shoulder to all of my interviews. Even though I was nervous, I put on a smile and went in with a positive outlook. If you get the interviewer to laugh with you, then you should be golden which has been my goal in all of the interviews that I have had this year. Sometimes we forget that our interviewers are just like us, with experience and a upper hand, but they are people too. I know that I have so much to learn but at least I feel comfortable knowing that I have wonderful mentors to guide and support me along the way. I am so excited about what happens next in my research labs!

Update: I am no longer a research assistant for my first interviewer but I am still continuing with my second and third research positions. I have also found a passion for research so in the end I feel like I came out like a winner and soon a paid winner. 

In what field would you like to do research in?

xx Chavelita

Day 22: To the girls who thought being different meant something was wrong

Dear my girl friends who think being different means that there is something wrong,

To think differently or find interest in other materials that others might find odd or disgusting, that is not your problem and there is nothing wrong in appreciating the nonconforming ways of living. You be you. There is nothing more upsetting when someone tells you that you cannot do that or that is not appropriate. What is inappropriate about being yourself? When I was in grade school, I did not like to wear dresses nor was I big fan of Disney princesses. Ask me today and I still cannot name each of the princes in those movies. It just did not matter to me. I would prefer to sit in front of a computer with my brother and play computer games until our parents would tell us to get off. I could of listed you all of the first generation of Pokemon characters from the top of my head. In fact, while being introduced to video games, I have always complained about the main character being a boy. Why can't the girl be the main character? Why couldn't she saved the world from being absorbed by aliens? Or why did the girl have to either look like the damsel in distress or the prostitute by an empty alley? Why couldn't she just be a typical modest looking girl with strong features of her own? I found that to be unfair that because I did not mix well with the other girls and what girls were supposed to find interesting, that I was seen as an outcast. To this day I still feel like an outcast because I rather wear basketball shorts than yoga pants to go workout. Growing up I feel like we are placed in these dainty boxes labeled with the word "princess" and cute frilly laces as decor. Boxes that underestimate our differences and when we do decide to show our differences it is like we broke a this sacred law. If anything, we were breaking the glass ceiling. I think other individuals do not appreciate our differences because they do not know how to react with these differences. But if you know what your differences are and you are content with them then I feel like you are steps in closer to happiness than those who have judged you for not fitting into their ideal view of you. There are no rules or instructions on how to run your life. You win on some days and you win less on other days but everyday you are progressing even when you think you are not. From the numerous amounts of bullying, I have learned to appreciate my differences. On my hard days where I found myself looking for some self-confidence to boost my self-esteem, I would tell myself that because I am different I am going to have to find a different way to give my life value even if that meant separating myself from crowds. While those days of spending alone figuring myself out, the first few days were horrible but then they became one of the best days. I did not have to depend on anyone. If I wanted to go somewhere on my own I could. When you start agreeing with the people who have judged you in the past for being different then what side are you really on? So while some of you may think that being different has its disadvantages I am here to tell you that you are right. There is disadvantages now but the day you start to embrace and appreciate your differences for what they are, they start to become advantages. I believe that this world could use more variety so with your differences, my differences, and everyone else's differences then perhaps being different would be rightfully acknowledged.

What I am trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with any of you.


Stay hopeful and stay different my friends.

xx Chavelita

Day 19: Father's Day

If you have yet to notice, I enjoy talking about my loved ones whenever I get the opportunity to do so and since today has been Father's Day I will be talking about him. My dad and I have always been the intelligent but sarcastic duo. We can have real deep conversations and hold advice sessions and in the next minute go straight into one of those inappropriate bathroom jokes that my mom always likes to call us out for. There are times where we may read each others minds or we can communicate with each other without even saying a word. Sometimes I fluctuate between if I am a mama's girl or a daddy's girl because being the only daughter they have, technically there is no competition in deciding who gets to be what. Growing up my dad has been in the military and me, I was not so into superheroes or Disney princesses, I was into Disney fairies but that is besides the point, so I did not really have that character to look up to and admire. But then I realize, my dad makes sacrifices and helps the country become a better place to live in so shouldn't that be something to acknowledge for? Which is why I still call him my hero today. And it is true when they say that not all heroes wears capes. I cannot compare my dad to the average dad because I feel like our family is not average to start with. To be the strong Latina woman I am today did not simply get up one morning and became that woman. I had to work hard to be that woman. Through the struggles, the fears, the doubts, and the confusion, my dad was there to lend out his wonderful talents as the listener/philosopher I know. I found he always had the right words to say even when there were moments that I did not ask for them. In other moments, he would simply encourage me just because and remind me that I am beautiful who is deserving in the things that I work hard for. I remember when I found out that my first hardcore crush was dating this other girl and I felt my heart split into two. I never really realized how much feelings I have had for this guy until that day. So I told my dad and he did not simply say, "oh there will be other guys, you wait and see!" he sat me down and reminded me of my principles. Reminded me of my qualities and of my one of a kind personality and in other words to not settle for less. I know at that moment I may have been choked up in tears and out of pure frustration for him to not even bother telling me and me having to find out on the internet about his relationship but hey I am just really glad my dad was there to put me back together. I find that it's the small bits of here and there that my dad has done for me that has shaped me into the person I am today. So whenever my friends compliment my personality or any qualities about me, I mentally point to my parents because they were the ones who raised me. And boy did they raise me well.

Happy Father's Day

xx Chavelita

Day 10: Online Dating

Not that many people know about this but when I was younger I used to go online chat rooms and meet people. Now it was not like Tindr or Skype where you get to see the person you were talking to but it was on this social media where you were able to be any character that you wanted and you would meet people there. One of my friends at the time had suggested to make myself an account so we can play together and also meet new people who shared similar interests as me. I was at that stage where I was experimenting. Not that I am proud of but I would talk to this one guy without ever acknowledging to someone until there was one day that my parents were looking through my i-Pod and found a picture of him. Half jokingly and half serious they were, I was totally embarrassed not only that they had made fun of me for having a potential boyfriend but because I knew they were not going to understand. They were not going to understand that maybe we were dating or maybe we weren't but I had enjoyed talking to him for the fact that he treated me with such respect without even having to see my face. At that moment of my life I had really low self-esteem because of my small figure and having such a young looking face, growing up not that many people took me seriously. I was not given a proper chance that I have longed to receive so I resorted to the internet. At least on the internet I was perceived as someone with confidence and I suppose I was also a catch. There was even a time where I spent so much time on the computer that I got it confiscated from me until the habit was forced out of me.

In a more recent moment, about a year ago, I had received an anonymous message from this person from this social media site that allows you to ask or say anything anonymously. Well I slightly remember him asking about some of my hobbies and what were my opinion on certain topics. I had thought this guy was pretty interesting so I wanted to know who he was. Over the months we were hitting it off really well, we started to use instant messaging and almost every other day we would message each other about our days and whatnot. The few descriptive information that I had gotten from him was that he lived in England, was a teacher assistant to grade school children, a single child with a single mother, and that he was six months younger than I am. Instead of hiding this I had told my mom directly that I was talking to someone I had met from the internet and I already knew she was going to put the red flag up and advise me to never speak to him again. But here I am thinking like I was acting like the bigger person I continued to speak with him. Not that I wanted to seek a relationship with him because that was not my intention at first especially with the distance I was not going to put myself through that. Well then comes in this long message during the night where he professed my feelings to me (I have no idea why guys continue to profess his feelings to me in long messages while I am sleeping...) and I was left awkwardly looking at the screen of my phone. I had told my mom again what he had told me and the simple advice she had given me was to ask if we could video chat so I can confirm that the picture on his profile was him. Like all of you have guessed it, it wasn't. And to be fair I did not like him for the fake picture he had, is not the attractive physical features that lure me in it's the words and the actions. So after that incident of him lying to me, I deleted the app and I have promised myself that I will no longer be making friends over the internet. If I have to continuously go through bad experiences to learn that most online dating/relationships are not for me then now that is a shame on me for not learning from my mistakes.

What I wanted for you all to get from my experience is that you may think you know the person you are speaking to online, backwards and forwards, but I do not think you will ever know a person until the day you actually meet them in person. There is so much you miss when you are busy online fishing. You miss the first impression, that awkward 'should I go for the hug or that handshake', the actual connection or disconnection with the person, basically the little things that make up a true date. I would have to agree with my mom that a relationship made online is not real. You start falling in love with the idea of that person rather than the actual person. Realizing this now I know why it was hard for me to let these guys go because I was afraid that I was not going to find someone or someone who made me feel like the best slice of cake there is. But you are just going to have to trust in yourself that you will and that it will work out. This also explains why when my friends are playing around on Tindr, I decide not to participate. I know I may be one of the pickiest people you have met when it comes to making friendships with others but that is because I have been there. Not just online but in real life too. When you think you have met the perfect person and you are proven wrong in the most unpredictable ways. I have not been great in the dating department but at least I can say that I know what I want and I am not settling down for just anyone because I know I deserve better. If you are going or went through a similar situation, remind yourself that you deserve better too because you do. And always remember to be careful when you are online never share your personal whereabouts or information even if you feel that you can trust them completely...

How has your experience in dating been lately?

xx Chavelita

Day 9: Friendships over the years

When the word friendships come into mind it is as if I get a flashback to all the friendships that went wrong and all those who are still with me today. Friendships are somewhat weird to explain because none of my friendships are the same thus I cannot really categorize them. When I was younger and I still do this now, I would not tell my parents about the friends I have made unless I knew for sure that they were going to stick with me for a while. I took my friendships really close to heart and I would take the longest time to make sure that my friendships were worth my time. I know this seems a judgmental but it was just how I would make friends. But let me tell you now that when I make a friend they are usually there to stay and it's really amazing to have friendships that you can look back on. In order for someone to understand the world more clearly, I think we all need to have at least one of these friends to show you a different perspective in which you interpret the world.

• A friend from the opposite sex - 
• A friend from a different sexuality - 
• A friend who's first language is not your own - 
• A friend who is not the same age as you - 
• A friend who is from a different race - 
• A friend you have known for over five years - 
• A friend who is special - 

Here are just a few but the more diverse the better. If you have at least one of these friends I can guarantee that your perspective will become more third dimensional. Sometimes we get stuck seeing the world through our lens and from the situations we have had overcome over the years. But once when you start walking in the shoes of your friends you start to understand that not everything is as one sided as we think. Their stories do not become your own, but you can learn from their stories. So I find it to be important to give everyone a chance even the people you would not think of being friends with are the ones who bring in the most perspective in your life. Just give them a chance, if you like to speak and be around with them then continue being their friend. If you find that you feel upset or annoyed to be with that person you always have the right to walk away or stop speaking to them just make sure you let them know why you do not want to be friends with them. I think they deserve the explanation at least.

I have met my very first best friend when I was around nine or ten. We were in fourth grade and she was the new girl who came from Detroit, Michigan and you know how everyone gets excited to see new students come in the middle of the school year. I felt like everyone wanted to be her friend but I was not the one to casually come up and introduce myself. I waited for my cue, if it ever came, to make myself known to her so I was left waiting. Then there was this one day where she invited some of the girls from our class to come over and I was invited. We were barely talking at that time. I remember she would mix up my name with this other short girl from class but fair enough I mispronounced her name for about a year or so, so I guess I cannot complain. Asking my mom to go over to a friend's house for the first time, I can already tell she was concerned. She is the type of mom who likes to meet the parents of the friend to make sure. Throughout my fourth and fifth grade year on Friday afternoons after school I would go over to her house. It first started with a group of girls coming over her house and then it ended up just me coming over which I did not mind. We would call our moms on the landline at school and cross our fingers that we were able to spend time together. And so we fast forward 11 years and I can still say she is my best friend. We went through the awkward teens together even though I had left for a while to go to Hawaii for my dad's work I came back. I feel we have defeated the odds honestly and I want to say this is the friendship I treasure the most because my best friend saw me when I was I just the little girl who wanted someone to laugh with to the woman I had grown and wanted to be. And I could say the same to for her. I am curious to see where the next decade will take us! 

Who do you consider your best friend?

xx Chavelita

Day 4: L.O.V.E.?

The idea of falling in love with someone has indeed been on my mind, but do I really do anything to pursue it? Not really. Also for the fact that I do not think love can be pursued at least in people they can't. I remember in high school telling myself, "That is okay I am sure I will find someone who will surpass my small figure and will love me for who I am in college. Love is certainly will be different in college, more mature and worthwhile!" I was right about one thing, love is certainly different in college, but there are not all mature as I thought they would be. In fact, falling in love in college has been a challenge and I am not only speaking on my behalf. Take me for an example. When you are barely getting into college there is this application that could be downloaded on your phone called School App and the essential purpose for that app is to meet people who have been admitted to the college of your choice and have decided to also attend that fall semester with you. You have limited access time on the app because then the following individuals that are accepted next year take over the app. Well one day feeling homesick because I had no one to speak Spanish to, I posted on the app "Where was my hispanic people at?", like I own all hispanic people, and surely I had gotten like at least 10 comments from that post. Half joking and half serious, I was not expecting to get so much activity on that post. There was this guy who decided to private message me on the app and we started talking in Spanish. We decided to meet each other for lunch one day so we can properly meet each other and share more of our stories with one another. I arrived a little early so I sat on a bench to wait for him, then there comes this rather dark skin guy in one of the t-shirts that were given in freshman orientation and I asked if he was the one had been messaging me on the app in which he replied with yes. It would of been a nice day that day... If only he were to stay. When we got into the dining hall in one of the dormitories, I decided to go my own separate way to get my food and I assumed we would meet later. So waiting there like a hopeful freshman straight out of high school waiting for better things to happen, where I actually thought I had a chance with this guy, he leaves. I have no clue where he had gone to that day, but I did eat by myself that day.

So maybe he was a dill hole that day for automatically judging me and not giving me a chance but I simply brushed it off. I applauded myself for actually trying and seeing where this experience would have taken me. So for those who are hopeful to find their love in college, I do not want to rain on your parade and say that they are not there because who knows what will happen. None of the days I have had in college were the same. Something new was always happening but I just want to say that love will not be knocking on your door and say, "Hey hey hey friend! Think fast here comes your soulmate!" I still believe that when you stop looking for love, that love will find you but if you are looking for something to happen overnight then good luck! I was talking about this with a friend from high school actually who similarly been in the position I have been in for quite sometime. Both have not dated, no first kiss, etc. etc. but sometimes it is not entirely the case that we have yet to find the right guy that swoons us but there are still things to do before we get someone else involved with our lives. I know not every person is that way but there are people who think that way and I feel it is important to acknowledge that. We have society constantly pressuring us in finding someone to settle down with but when you are barely reaching your twenties or are in your twenties you are still figuring yourself out. I feel like society's definition of love comes from two pieces of hard material with paper in between, written in black and white. Only they forget that love could be seen in so many different ways.

If you want to have some alone time then you should and society should not have to be breathing down your neck for the decisions you make. It is your life, you are in control of what happens to it. The thought of settling down with someone at such an early time still blows my mind but I am not here to tell you what to do. If you find that someone you do what you feel it is best for you and them. If you want to stay independent then that should also be accepted. No one was given a manual as to how to love one another or ourselves, so who has the right to tell you are doing it wrong?

I had another conversation related to love with a really good religious friend of mine from high school. He is that type of friend where you can go for weeks without talking to but if you need a shoulder to lean on, he is your guy. Regardless of the day or time, he tries his best to help out in any way that he can. Which I deeply appreciate our special friendship because he sure brings a lot of clarity when I am overthinking about the simple. One night we were talking about our motivation to continue worshiping our heavenly Father and how compassion has a major role to our direction of learning about ourselves and what really makes us feel human. So here is a snippet of our conversation, hopefully it brings some wisdom like it did to me.

Me: So do you think through the same compassion is how one learns the meaning of loving and how to love one another just as God loves each and every one of us?
Him: Loving is in you. It's perception and perspective. You can see it in other people but I think only you can convince yourself of or from it.
Me: So why do you think some people make love complicated?
Him: I think all people make it complicated. It's just wiring when it comes to trusting someone and making yourself vulnerable.

So why am I bringing up the topic of love again? For a few weeks I had lost my faith in love and it is not something I am ready to talk about in full detail yet but to have nice reminders of what the capacity of love can do to someone is remarkable. Love can come in all different ways, shapes, and forms whether it is a lovely message from a friend, donating to charity, or rescuing an animal from the shelter, sometimes we do need that reminder that love is not entirely lost but our definition is simply changing and adapting to the person we are becoming. Not everyone is going to agree with your definition but you will know when the right person also agrees with your definition and adds more examples to strengthen your meaning. Give it time. In the meantime, take care of yourself and your needs. Nothing wrong in treating yo self!

What is that one thing, someone, place, or animal that has changed your definition of love?

xx Chavelita

High Standards: Bad or Good?

For as long as I can remember I have had high standards. I would always pick the boxes with the neatest packaging at the grocery store. Pay the extra dollar for a water bottle than to use a local water fountain. Buy clothes by the brand at times because I am familiar with the quality of the clothes and for the fact that the clothes fit my petite body that has always been a struggle of mine growing up. Though these standards mentioned are just to the material items, when these standards apply to people the real difficulty begins to peer out to the open. I have learned to stop being picky with the types of food I have been given but I find to be extremely picky with the people I have encountered over the years. Throughout time I have dropped so many friends for the simple fact that they no longer fit in my life. They no longer became effortless to talk to and with the constant feeling that I was being judged or becoming an interruption, the sensation was not worth the time. For the low tolerance I have for the negativity and drama that comes out of the mouths of others if I wanted to hear that I might as well turn on the television. Drama that half of the time I did not recognize the names of the people involved and needed someone else to explain the whole situation. I was not built for gossip and jokingly stating that I live under a rock, I honestly do live under a rock.

Coming back to having high standards, separation from most people has greatly affected me. To have a handful of individuals I am comfortable to speak my mind with and completely know that I can take them into account, does not leave a lot of room for new people to come into my life. But this is not a reason for why I do not want to meet new people, in fact I do want to meet new people but I just take so long to trust in people that by the time I feel ready they are no longer there. I am constantly missing my window of opportunity and I have been beating myself up because of that. I have been on dates, I have not been entirely unknown to what it is to meet a guy and share a few words with but then I have this gut feeling. The feeling that he is not the one so I slowly back out until the point where I find myself avoiding and or not talking to him. When I imagine a relationship, I imagine someone who is there to stay not someone that can simply have a great time and be dumped the next week or so because they got bored of me. I will be honest, I am high maintenance because of my emotions and how sensitive I am that may cause people to not tolerate me but because of my strong bond to those emotions I find that to be one of my greatest strengths and one of my greatest downfalls. For the way my emotions move me, I can provide so much love and support but this also depends if he is able to handle the amount.

The other day I was with a pair of friends heading to a pizza place for lunch and somehow the conversation of what the ideal guy came up. I remember I stated that I had weird taste in men and I already knew that I was going to be asked to elaborate as to what I meant as weird. My weird taste of men consists of someone who has a passion for all the things they hold valuable to whether it is to serve the country or be deeply wrapped into the major of their choice, have a great sense of humor but is able to tell where the boundaries are, supportive and pushes me to do my best, and sensitive that he is not afraid to tell me what is on his mind regardless of what masculine social norms have to say. He does not have to look like a Ken Barbie doll but I do want him to be able to completely trust in me as I would completely trust in him. I want him to be successful, he does not have to be successful when I meet him but I would want him to get there. I know that I do have a lot to offer, I know how much baggage I am carrying even if I do not show it, I know how extremely private I can be to those who do not know me, but I do not need someone to complete me. I simply want someone to join me on this journey of life so I have someone to share memories and moments with.

Do you think having high standards is a bad or good thing to have?

xx Chavelita

Building blocks

Well for about a month now I have been living on my own with my college roommate and there is just not one day where my parents crosses my mind. Like the Saturday of my first college football game (which was such a spectacular experience to encounter) I was ironing my white shirt since the whole school was going to white out the opponent and well as careless as I was, I plugged in my iron into the outlet, turned up the heat, and left the iron laying faced down onto my bed sheets. Before I had time to realize what a mistake I had done to leave my iron faced down on my bed sheets, there was already a hole in my bed sheet from the heat. The hole would of been fine if only the hole was not right smack in the middle where I slept. Right after I got upset at myself for burning my newly bought bed sheets, my immediate thought was my mother getting upset for being forgetful.

Which brought to my attention that even though I do not live with my parents anymore, they still are a big factor, they are still a part of me. I look in the mirror and I remind myself of my mother. How we both seal our emotions away from people until the seal breaks, the way I worry about so many things that may not even involve me, how we remain consistent in our choices when we have to choose a restaurant to eat which normally ends up in either tacos or enchiladas at the end of the day, and how we look for approval in each other when buying clothes that are a bit out of our comfort zones. Then on the other hand I find myself joking around with people I barely meet, acting tough when in the inside I am scared to death, helping people to the best of my abilities, and being the one who listens and gives advice to my friends, reminds myself of my father and how much he would do these things while I was growing up.

This reminds me a lot about what I have learned at mass one day that because of our culture we sometimes do things the same way of our caretakers because that was just how things were done growing up. Which I agree because since we were little our parents (or guardians) have been our role model, teaching us how to speak in their native tongue, learning about traditions that we probably didn't understand what the true meaning was, how to treat others, basically we are all a reflection of our parents, at first. Then we grow older and we start to question why certain things happen in a specific way and why those things cannot be done in a different manner. On one hand, we begin to experiment and stray away while others prefer to stay with the familiarity. There are also cases where people experiment and come back to recite what they have learned. I want to say that this is how limits are tested to college students, like myself, are placed in their first year. The first year is the most crucial in college and I am now understanding what that all means. Some of us fit in well with our new lives while others run back to what is familiar. Not saying that they are weak, but to emphasis how much culture shapes the lives of people. Culture are the for sure the building blocks to behavior along with the environment one has grown up in.

Just wanted to say thank you to my parents for teaching me how to let go (and for letting me go) and be independent, providing me the support and a well conscious to tell the difference between right and wrong, for the traditions, and for letting me be myself because without those qualities I don't think I would of been writing this blog in the first place.


What is something that your parents or guardians have done for you that you will never forget?

xx Chavelita

Day 30: Remember to open your eyes

There is always the time between eleven p.m. and one a.m. that my creative juices tend to flow out or more like my brain is just too tired to keep itself within its boundaries that my mind wanders off. Not all nights this happens but yesterday was one of those nights where I felt tired but I was not quite ready to fall asleep yet. Scrolling through social media I find a picture of my friend's drawing that instantly sparked ideas of things that I wanted to draw but I was not quite sure what yet but somehow I came up with the quote, "Remember to keep your eyes open" and started to draw the first thing that came into mind. One of the most valued features while I draw are eyes, which is why for the most part when you see any of my drawings their eyes are bigger or more centered attention than the rest of the drawing. Not because I enjoy drawing the eyes more than anything else, but eyes can be drawn in so many different ways and can shape the expression of the drawing. Big opened eyes can preview vulnerability and innocence while small eyes could express confusion or anger. Eyes allow to speak for itself and it's brilliant to say that eyes could tell so much more with just a glance.

When I was thinking about "Remember to keep your eyes open", I found it to be a reminder for myself to seek the possibilities out there and stop being afraid to take risks that may have a chance to change my life for the better. I also need to start giving other people chances who actually want to get to know me instead of being dryly sarcastic and disconnected. When I was younger, hugging and showing affection to people was like a piece of cake. I didn't think about how the other person will react, I simply went for that touch that everyone seeks and held it for as long as I could. Now that I am older, I find this action to be difficult and frustrating. I do want to hug people and show that I sincerely care, to kiss their cheek without feeling incredibly out of bounds. I do not want to miss anymore moments and instead I want to record all of these moments. Be more open to people and tone down a bit of the sarcasm, kind of settle my feet on the ground, and take in whatever it is that is going on at the moment.

You have the ability to change at any given day, at any given time. Do not feel like you have to stay the same person because people are used to the way you are. As many as people get accustomed to who you are, then it is possible for them to get used to the new you as well. So long as you changed to better yourself, then I don't find anything wrong in that. Throughout your early teenager years you're going to find yourself in loads of scenarios that test to see who you are and it's okay if you are not sure. All of these years you have to experiment as to what person you want to be, exactly. Depending on who you are brings in people that share similar qualities, so I don't find it surprising anymore when you find yourself speaking to new people and at other times speaking to a handful of people who remained by your side. Remember to open your eyes and try not to miss out on the good stuff in life. Seek out what you want to accomplish, follow your own path if you have to, look around you are not the only one trying to figure out what on Earth is going to happen next.

What was the last thing you saw that left you breathless?

xx Chavelita

Day 26: Battling with shyness

Probably one of the things that I find myself struggling with the most is to be the first one to make the move. To make friends. To say hello. To sit among a group of people that I have never seen before. To just make the first contact with other people instead of waiting for the other person to do so and missing out on so many opportunities for waiting too long when I could of been making memories... If only I opened my mouth to say something. When you are younger yeah so being shy was cute but when you get older being shy becomes such a hassle to deal with. Then the thing that frustrates me the most is that people have told me to stop being shy and some may relate but being shy is just not something you can overnight grow out of. Shyness becomes a part of your personality, a part of you that no matter how much you try to wash it off, it still remains there laughing at how much effort you put to change your shyness to be left on the same page. I feel so trapped in my own shyness that in my head I am battling to say something so simple like, "do you need help?" or "what did you think about that movie?". Sometimes I win and I get warm cheeks for calling such attention to myself but I pat myself on the back later that day. Then when I don't, well then I have lost and I can't help but be hard on myself about my shyness.

I'll be starting college in the fall, and that is one of the things that I want to improve in myself. To take on more opportunities and layer by layer start to remove the shyness that consumes me. This is the time where I should not be afraid to speak or share my thoughts with other people. I would be sabotaging myself out of this college experience. I want to be that person who sees someone eating by themselves and casually sits down and introduces myself. I want to be that person who can shout, "HI MY NAME IS ISABEL AND WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS!" in the middle of my dorm hall. I want to be known as Isabel, and not just the shy girl who keeps to herself because that is not what I want. I want to be able to meet a guy as well and not be shy to make eye contact, I do not want them to get the idea that I am not interested. I think that is what most guys I tend to fall for think and I want and need to change that because I no longer want to have to deal with the what ifs.

So yeah, I want to improve my shyness and give people that same effect I give to you guys, my readers. Where I am completely honest and upfront with you without hiding who I am. To be comfortable to speak, crack some jokes, mix some sarcasm where it's appropriate, and still feel like a person you want to go to if anything out of the blue comes up. What I am thinking right at this moment is what I actually write on here, a more censored self, but it's still me in all glory and whatnot. I leave my book open on here so I can maximize my chances of connecting with you guys. I've always wanted to be that person who can walk around and have friends all over the place but still have my knitted group to fall back on. For those of you who are also shy and battling the same battle that I am, I really hope you start removing that layer of shyness because I know there is so much more to you that the shyness is not allowing you to demonstrate. I really cannot give you advice on how to not be shy because I believe that is not possible but you can always start by saying hello and to give one of those grand smiles. Lets not allow shyness to get in the way, okay?

Part of me is quite scared of removing the layers to new people around me but if I can do that online, then that should be more of a reason for me to do the same thing outside of cyberspace.

What is something you want to improve in yourself?

xx Chavelita

Day 24: Working out at the gym

Before I had started going to the gym with my mom, I didn't think I would fit in at the gym because I of my size and my lack of not knowing how to work the machines. I was still keeping this mentality that I was too young to go to the gym and that the gym was just not one of those places for me. Until one day my mom knocks on my door and invites to go to the gym with her, already dressed to head out the door which is probably what motivated to go. The motivation that my mom had in me as she was pushing me softly to go to the gym, and her being dressed and was totally motivated herself to go, made me want to go. I gave the gym a chance and now I find the days I do not go to the gym to be weird. I know that another reason of mine to go to the gym was so my dad would stop using the guilt trick of being a lazy bum and leaving my mom alone to go to the gym especially now that I have time. I ran out of excuses and so I went completely head first to the gym. Thanks dad for caring about my health. (a bit of sarcasm intended but more of a genuine thanks for pushing me to do more) Now having to go the gym for multiple times this month I have learned a lot about working out around other people...

1. No one cares what you're doing or why you're doing there because for the most part they are focused on their own goals. At the beginning of the month, I felt pretty insecure that I didn't qualify to go to the gym. I kept close to my mom and she was the one who taught me how to work these new spinning bicycles that they had and the elliptical there. I would actually only do spinning because I was in front of mom in my own little comfort zone. Yeah guys, you don't need any qualifications to attend the gym. You also do not need to know how the machines work, unless you're going to use them but there are also plenty of other things you can do to obtain a great workout without them like using dumbbells or walking. Go to the gym if you want to and push yourself to go when you don't want to because after that kicking workout you will be thanking yourself. At least I know I do and always look forward to my Nature Valley bar that I reward myself after every workout. 
2. No one cares what you are wearing. I know for the fact even to save my life that I always have this little-girl-who-looks-lost-looking-for-her-mother look wearing some bright pink pants with either a proper exercising shirt or an oversize t-shirt and my bulky Nike white and pink tennis shoes. So instead of feeling like an embarrassment walking around the gym doing my own thing I might as well rock it and show the other patrons that even the little girl can do the same workouts you are doing. 
3. When working out, it is true that you do find your true zen. I am here running on the elliptical next to my mom for the first twenty or so minutes of my workout. The meter that measures my heart beat picks up pace as I progress into my first mile. 130. 145. 160. 180. The trickle of sweat sliding off the bridge of nose underneath my glasses because I do not like to wear my contacts as I workout, my breath in rhythm with my heart and it's just me running. Running off the calories. The stress. My anxiety. Leaving me literally breathless in the end with my muscles having seizures of their own. Afterward I walk on the indoor track to catch my breath and cool down. After I walk a couple of laps around, I prepare myself for my second part of the workout, which are the actual exercises. 
4. The day after soreness. Will be the enemy of your next workout because you will not want to move just to avoid the pain. At times I do let the soreness get the best of me where I retreat to watch Netflix or YouTube videos in bed. Well use that pain as your pillars to keep wanting to workout, when you feel soreness, you are feeling progress, and with progress then you get results. Not all who workout shoot for losing weight, a grand majority but not all. I have come across a lot of well fit individuals at the gym which I have had a pleasure to see because it does give me hope that someday I can have a body like there's if I strive for it. I want to be strong and not look like I am frail. I feel like many forget and the way society perceives this is that skinny people are not all fit and healthy, we also could have the potential of being out of shape. I want to gain a bit of backbone and get respect is what I am shooting for. 
5. When you take a friend to workout with you, chances are you more likely to compete. Even without a friend though you find yourself competing to do better than the day before. Pushing yourself is great because you do need it to encourage yourself to continue your set workout and or exercises. Only thing I am asking is that you are aware of your limits and that you do not cross them because you do also want to have a safe workout without any injured muscles or bones. Whenever I workout with my friend, I feel like she pushes herself more because she knows that I am watching and I do the same so I feel like it's nice to have that mutual support especially when you are starting to workout. We both try to be better with one another that we end up beating our own set goals. I know having my mom around whenever I go to the gym with her has brought lots of courage and perseverance in me. 
6. Plan out ahead what you want to accomplish and do in the gym. Think of a routine, and stick to it. Even if it's the littlest thing like go on the spinning bicycle for thirty minutes or dance Zumba for an hour. Have that game plan to refer back to so you have something to keep your progress in check. I have this bad habit of not counting how many sets of pushups I do or how many lunges I do, but if you keep count of what you do, the easier the workouts will be. Not only do you have something to do and look forward to, but you know what changes are needed to make when you start to feel like you are not getting the same results like before. 

Which workouts do you enjoy doing?

xx Chavelita

Day 21: Advice to my future children

Although I am only eighteen and have many many more years to learn about myself and the world around me, I feel like I have some leverage from all the learning I had done through the challenges that were tossed in my direction. Not all opportunities or situations come as easy as a slow pitch to hit out of the park even though some of us do wish that we had our questions answered in an instant. And those who do opportunities and situations that are easy to handle, we feel like those aren't worth much of a value but here I am to tell you is that every lesson that was learned through our experiences are worth value. When we sit there, sometimes in the midst of the night alone or we stand there idle in our morning showers, our minds are working up a storm to figure out a solution to a problem that is either there or not. Bubbles and lines crossing, with an infinite number of solutions, when we want one answer we come up with multiple possibilities that just drives us up the wall. I know we have a solution but then we start to wonder if its appropriate enough to fit the current situation and we begin to overthink which does not lead us anywhere. I think people should just trust in what they got and see where that may lead them. Which starts to my first lesson for my future child...

Do not follow the crowd. At first people may think that because they are following the crowd that they are doing something right, which may not always be the case. I have given the crowd a chance and all the times that I did, I was farther and farther away from the person I wanted to be known as. I nearly forgot myself while transforming into someone I wasn't. I would think that there was something wrong with me because I found such difficulty to connect with other individuals among my age group. Yet I continued walking by myself, allowing enough contact to keep myself in check but for the majority of the time I spent my time figuring things out without any outside influences. So kids, when you feel like you do not fit in with rest of the group and you find yourself spending alone time apart from everyone else or observing your surroundings, remember that usually the amazing people among the crowd do not call attention towards to themselves by showing off but because you have a natural glow, those who have their eyes open will definitely see you and change your life. Follow your own path for now, find out more about yourself and with time people will cross paths with you. Just a heads up though, some will walk alongside of you and others will simply cross without acknowledging you.

Be careful who you trust. I have found myself in many predicaments especially when I tell friends personal information that end up not being my friend for long. Then I think, well great there goes all my deep information along with the many insecurities and thoughts that I should of just kept to myself in the first place. Even though at times I forget what personal information I have shared with some people, having that information wondering around on someone else's lips makes me want to curl into a makeshift shell. I don't want to say that I was careless but more so that I outweigh a lot of people's good qualities over their bad qualities, so lets hypothetically say that everyone knows that one person who is known to be worst person to man and I would still find something good about them. I would still give them a chance despite all the commentary I have been told in private. I just want my kids to be able to open their minds to see the rounded values that make up any person that they decide to meet, not be timid, afraid or embarrassed to be themselves and share their stories. To be able to interact with their peers and know the difference between an average friend and the values that make up a better friend. So that they can limit the chances of disappointment they are going to encounter in life. Just know that mommy will always have ears to listen, arms to give out those needed hugs, eyes to give my undivided attention, a voice to comfort when my kids feel overwhelmed, and a sense of humor to make you laugh even if they may end up laughing at me for something silly. I will be here every step of the way.

Sweet words are easier to swallow, if needed to. There was always this saying that my dad would tell me, "diga dulce palabras por se caso si los tienes que tragarlas", which in English it means to "say sweet words in case you have to swallow them". We have all come to a close point in our lives or even crossed that point in ours lives when we're absolutely furious with someone and say rather harsh things in spite of the moment. Yeah for those few minutes we spill emotions out like if someone were to open the faucet at full blast. Until we calm down and realize that the situation could of been handled in a different manner. Regret begins to develop and we feel this embarrassment rising in our faces and soon the tiny sweat droplets form that is why it's better to say sweet words. I agree that people should know what position they are in whether it is in a relationship, friendship, or among family and have the chance to speak about what is on their minds but at times we may forget that words are a powerful tool and should be used carefully. This advice also goes when speaking to or about other people. Spreading rumors and then having the victim find out where the source of that gossip is coming from already does not paint a pretty picture. In a situation like the words become difficult to swallow or take back so that is why is just best to not spread false information about others. When spreading compliments, the sweet words, the person could either thank you or not acknowledge your words the same if you are complimenting yourself you could either accept the sweet words or trash them. At least swallowing sweet words are a bit easier than swallowing the bitter ones. I want my kids to be able to choose their words wisely and watch what they say to others, because even words could have the effect to change a person.

What advice would you tell your children or what advice do you already tell your children?

xx Chavelita

P.S. I am not pregnant. The kids mentioned are hypothetical.

Day 19: My first love... so far.

Where exactly do I begin? Falling in love just happens without you or the other person realizing, at least I remember I got to the point where I looked forward to the end of the day just to see him because we had our last class period together. When I wouldn't see him I would get a bit sad and I think that is when I realized that this wasn't just some regular friendship that I have had with other people I met. Anytime when we were together I was gasping for air from the many hilarious stories and puns that he would share with me, I had never met someone like him to be honest. We shared so many insiders, we shared personal never to be told stories, I even recall when we were doing an assignment outside of class. He decided, why not pull out my I-Pod touch and take multiple pictures of Isabel like some crazy paparazzi and chase her around the lobby? (I actually wonder if he still has those pictures...) I have met him when I was around fifteen and he was eighteen, and yeah I did feel weird that he is just a few days younger than my second oldest brother but when you're seeing life through rose glass lenses that doesn't really come into the picture. When you're up in the clouds, who would want to come down to face a harsh reality?

On the first day of school, I remember our teacher told us to walk around the classroom and whenever she told us to stop we had to high five someone that was nearby or speak to the closest person. It wasn't until the second or third round that I got to him. He always wore polo shirts for the most part, with long pants, and his white sneakers. That day he was wearing a orange polo with stripes, some good worn jeans, and his white sneakers. Now what he told me on that first day I do not remember only that I was laughing and replying back with something sarcastic. Total respect came from when he followed my sarcastic comment with another sarcastic comment and we both ended up just laughing. I also can't forget that handshake and that same old smile. The handshake so proper because he didn't enjoy slapping hands like some cool kid from down the block.

He was the sweetest guy that I have ever met... One night when I was sleeping he had left me a seven text messaged long message confessing this love he had for me and I freaked out. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before, no one has ever taken the time to actually confess their feelings about me and for once I was also feeling the same way but there was just a part of me that was just not ready yet for a relationship. Perhaps I replied incorrectly to his message but sometimes I wonder where we could of been if I were to say yes,,, He was also the first one to ask me to homecoming because I had told him that no one has ever proposed to take me as a date to any dance, though something came up and we both didn't go to homecoming but I will forever treasure the fact that he asked me and my stomach was so knotted up in emotions. In fact he was also my first valentine... I remember on that Valentine's Day I was not expecting anything just like any other Valentine's Day but when I was in Spanish class there was a knock on the door and my classmate got the door. Then the delivery guy who was passing out Crush can sodas with chocolate kisses on top said my name and the whole class did the embarrassing ooo's and aaah's as the delivery guy gave me my Crush soda, I couldn't help but blush. But that was just the beginning as he said in the message I had sent him to thank him for the soda, when I was on my way to history class he purposely stepped on my shoe and I was ready to tell someone off until I realized that it was him carrying a stuffed tiger. Then told me Happy Valentine's Day again in person. I still have the tiger sitting among my army of Hello Kitty's on my bench.

My God was I so lucky to experience what it felt like to feel wanted and be needed in someone else's life in a romantic manner. Is it silly to say that after a year of knowing him I was thinking what were the odds if we had a future together?  For more than half of the year I met him, he was facing some complications at home that he wasn't going to school anymore but by then we had already exchanged numbers and we were messaging nonstop like chattery chimps. He went through some tough times and in a way I felt like I was sharing his hardships too. I want to think that he told me the major parts that was going on but I do not blame him if he decided to keep some of the information to himself. Near the end of the year he came back only he no longer had the same schedule so we no longer had a class together. Which brought me back to the same position I was in during the school year. I have a sad feeling that was when we were drifting apart and as much as I didn't want that to happen there was nothing that I could do to stop life from happening.

At the start of my junior year I actually bought him a whole pack of Sharpies for his birthday because he had told me that since his father had thrown away his Sharpies, he could no longer do his art in his notebook especially the many koi fishes that he enjoyed drawing. A little later in fall break I was already feeling like something was wrong between us because he started to keep certain things away from me. Which is something that was far off his character, it was not until I found out through Facebook that he was dating someone... When did he meet her? I don't know. How did this happen? I don't know, I thought I was the only girl he was talking to because he was the only guy I was talking to. What did he tell me after I found out? That he was too scared to find out how I would react and did not want to see me get hurt. What a knee slapper, huh?

And that is how my first love came to an end. Not even dating and I was as heartbroken as if we were dating. But either way I have learned a lot about myself during this experience, and a lot about how guys are. Things could be perfect. Life could be spent pinching away your skin to make sure you are awake rather than dreaming for certain things to happen. And as easy as that things could turn out to be they take unexpected turns. Yet what is meant to be will be meant to be and what isn't, will not. Pick yourself up, shrug off the dirt, and try again.Take your time to mend your broken heart but do not forget that there is still a lot more to experience and a lot more people out there to be given a chance.

How was your first love?

xx Chavelita

Day 17: So what about the stars?

As all of you may know about zodiac signs and how if you're in the right position of the stars and the planets and almost about every little thing that moves outside of our planet that we are meant to be have a really good day... For starters lets see what my zodiac sign, Cancer, says about me and the rest of those who fall into the same birthday range based on a few websites... To keep things brief I am only taking a few sentences from the description but I will leave the website for those who want to read in further detail.

1. "Cancerians love home-life, family and domestic settings...The moon is their ruler, so they can be a bit of a contradiction and sometimes moody. However, they are conservative, so they'll be apt to hide their moods from others altogether...Cancerians make loyal, sympathetic friends. "  Website No.1
2. "Cancer have an offbeat sense of humor, often finding something humorous that others don’t. They are extremely good listeners and have a heart for the problems of others...When a Cancer becomes your friend you can be sure that they are truly your friend and will not consider using someone to their own benefit. Cancer tend to be dependable and reliable...This sign can be moody, clingy, and often become incredibly insecure if they feel that they are about to lose the friendship or love of someone close to them." Website No.2
3. "Strengths: Compassionate, thoughtful, defensive, steadfast Weaknesses: Controlling, unable to let go of the past, lack confidence, have a bad magpie habit"Charismatic marks: Average build, round face, busty (women)" Website No.3
4. "Nurturing and protective, Cancer loves to take care of people and make everyone feel at home...Sensitive Cancer can take things personally, overreact and get upset at the drop of a hat. Mood swings are no fun to be around!" Website No.4
5. "Cancer Strength Keywords: - Loyalty - Dependable - Caring - Adaptable - ResponsiveCancer Weakness Keywords:- Moody - Clingy - Self-pitying - Oversensitive - Self-absorbed" Website No.5

Now I am not sure how accurate these websites are at evaluating people depending on the day they were born but I just cannot fathom an explanation of believing in something that I cannot comprehend. I do believe that in order to get to know someone is to actually physically give them a chance to prove themselves who they are to you. Now if you believe in your zodiac sign and the horoscopes that come along with the sign, then that is great. I believe that everyone has the free will and the right to believe in something and to have something to look up or to look forward to. Though I am certain that horoscopes are not meant for me and for me it does not define me for the person I am. Only I can define myself along with what I have learned from my experiences and from the people who have grown to know me. 

Do not get me wrong I know that my flaws could include being shy and reserved to new people and experiences, being hard on myself for not being able to explain my emotions or express my emotions to others, and jumping into conclusions but I knew these qualities before I was explained what were zodiac signs. I believe the one who noticed the most about my flaws was my mom because before I was able to gain a sense of memory she told me that I would cry if I wasn't near her. That if new people wanted to hold me she either had to be near me or I would just cry. I didn't handle new situations well and a part of me couldn't decided what I wanted. That was all before I could speak, now imagine me speaking and that just stirs up a whole another chaos within. So why would I let zodiac signs depict who I am and who I should be, when I know who I am and still figuring out what I should be? I'm pretty sure I could figure out myself more for observing my actions rather than looking up in the sky waiting for the stars to wink at me. 

What is your zodiac sign, and do you believe in it?

xx Chavelita 

Day 16: What I miss...

Overall I miss having my family living under the same roof...

Since I am the youngest in the family, I basically saw my brothers growing older and soon leaving the house as they graduated while I still had a few years myself to finish up my high school career. I still remember my brothers and I we were walking to Walmart and on the way there just out of no where my oldest brother was really content that he would be the first one to finish school while my other brother in his voice I can sense a bit of jealousy. Then there was me also jealous and hurt to be the one left out. No one really warned me that being the youngest would be hard and weird because while your older siblings are out there figuring out their lives in the world, you're left behind growing up on your own and even watching your parents grow older as well. I think the youngest siblings are the ones who grow to be more sensitive because we tend to grow more attached to our parents since they're the ones who tend to be there the most.

On the other hand though, there are perks to being the youngest. You learn from your older siblings mistakes and you actually bond more with your parents now that there is more one on one time. My brothers pass down advice to me so that I wouldn't commit the same mistakes they did and told me to apply myself differently and more efficiently in the future. Just growing up with brothers, I grew up with the idea of how men are supposed to treat women and now I am aware of what I should look for in a guy, what qualities to avoid, and how I should to speak to a guy. I learned to become more independent, to be strong, to treasure all the wonderful things while they last, to set my own goals and achieve them. If you were to asked me a year ago if I was able to manage taking care of my mom on my own and vice versa, then I would tell you no, but when you're left with only one choice you end up taking the wheel, winging it as you go.

Just want you all to know that do not take family for granted whether you are living with your immediate family or not, cherish every moment you have together as a family. When you're young yeah it may seem like graduating is centuries away and getting your apartment is another pair of years but trust me when I say this, those years will pass so quickly that you are left with only the memories to fall back on, make sure they are memories worth smiling and crying for.

What do you miss?

xx Chavelita

Day 12: Blessed and grateful

At random moments over the months, I look back to all the wonderful and not so glamorous portions of my life. Then after coming up from the thoughts, I come into realization that not everybody goes through the same path to get to where they are today. Some of us went through a long bumpy road, others went down a rocky slide, and others went through a maze to get to where they are now. The reason why I did not put that some glided through success is because success does not come from being lucky but more with the work that has be put to achieve their position. If life went smoothly all the time, then what would be the definition of living? Anyway here are five things as to why I feel blessed as I walk through my own road.

1. For my parents who are still happily married - After nine years of dating and twenty three years of being married, ever since I was little my parents relationship was always something I looked up to. Even though I was younger and did not understand what the struggles they went through to provide for my brothers and I, they never blamed us and they definitely never lost their temper with us. Most of my memories were silly, funny, and full of love and cuddles. For that I will never trade my parents or those memories for anything. 
2. For being healthy - Something that I take for granted, is being healthy which is by far a blessing. To be able to see, hear, touch, smell, and taste, now that's a big deal. 
3. To be able to go to college - One of the things that I was most worried about is being able to pay for college which could have also been the greatest obstacle to maintain my position as a college student. At least with the support of my parents and the scholarships that I have earned for the following semester has placed me in a good position to attend college. 
4. For the people who had walked into my life whether they stayed or left - Everyone had a purpose in my life whether the impact was minimal or substantial, I have learned immensely from each person. Those are the people that has transformed me into the person I am today which is why it is a blessing to say, for getting me into the position I am today.  
5. For my best friend - My best friend always makes me feel blessed and I feel like we have defeated many odds as we have remained friends for eight years... Yeah eight years, the same age as a child. Mind blowing but I am glad that we stuck with one another because she is literally my other half. 

What makes you feel blessed?

xx Chavelita

Day 10: Future psychologist

Throughout the time I was in high school in the back of my mind I already had the idea of becoming a psychologist. Maybe even younger I wanted to become a psychologist I just didn't know that there was an actual profession to what I wanted to do. Now what specialty I wanted to be in the psychology field that I spent quite some time considering which one best fit me but I had this feeling that I was meant to be a psychologist. In my nature I wanted to help people in someway and what I have learned that simply using my words I was able to gain the trust of people and assist them without making them feel pressured or uncomfortable to tell me. Do not get me wrong if I had a choice to speak or not, I wouldn't be talking. Yet with psychology it gives me a reason to speak even more so to talk and express new ideas that may be beneficial for others. Talking to people may seem like a job that anybody can do but you have to be careful with your word choice. You have to be tactful, considerate, and be as unbiased as you can with your patience to be able to get the most genuine information that you can. This is probably why I had plenty of people tell me that being a psychologist is a job everyone wants to do that is easy or when people are not sure what they want to do as career. So in other words, I was getting this idea that being a psychologist was kind of like this place holder to buy more time to figure out the desired career. Yet, psychology is my desired career... I do not see myself doing anything else other than making a profession in psychology, a clinical psychologist to be more specific. To work along side a psychiatrist and learn more about mental disorders, even if I may spend the rest of my life researching new information and discovering new topics of human behavior through studies, that I wouldn't mind doing. Learning about the human behavior and the mind is intriguing and since psychology is probably one of the youngest sciences to be learning from, then that still opens up to the endless amount of knowledge that we may not know yet.

With my fear of blood and my lack of not thinking on the spot, being a doctor or a nurse was already out of the question. Coming from a family of nurses, I appreciate my mom's and my uncles' career as a nurse and I understand that it takes patience and strength but that was just not my calling. On the other hand I had a uncle on my dad's side that suggested that I should become a psychiatrist, learn medicine and treat people who is struggling through that form. Though my plan did not include medicine and I understand that I will learn that different medicines to use and the recommended dosages but I do not see myself writing prescriptions to medicines that I may not even believe in. I wouldn't be able to live with myself to be paid a bit more to promote medicine from companies for medicine that completely changes the individual. Medicine may work in some cases, do not get me wrong, but I still see medicine as a last resort in treating people. I am pretty sure there are plenty of alternatives to treat mental disorders, we just haven't discovered it yet. 

What is your dream career?

xx Chavelita