Day 11: What happened?

I have the words, but how am I supposed to say them?
Collection of letters only to have it all lost
With only a few days left by the hem
How silly must it feel to be waiting to defrost

From a person who forgot how to smile
I wonder what happened
Was simplicity fading away with each mile?
Or did they trade in their smile hoping for something less dampened?

With these days slowly ticking
From what I used to be and transforming into what I am now
My waiting is flickering
And with time I will disallow

No more what if
No more useless I love yous
From a person who leaves me naked
To defrost in the middle of June

For whatever value brings
Do not take defeat
Shield away from the swings
That love could appear to be bittersweet

Only when I see
That me can be I
Give myself away
To the one who deserves

Me.

xx Chavelita

Scenario: Eliminate the should haves

But do you know what this means? Have you considered about the dangers you are about to place onto yourself? How will I break this to your family? You will not be able to turn back to the life you have grown up to know. All this time you spent struggling to find out what specialties make you stand out from the rest only to realize that those talents are yours to keep. Talents that nobody can steal from you. Everything that you once knew will simply float away with the rest of your unspoken thoughts.

From the look in your eyes I know you had plenty to say I only wish you expressed them instead of having them consume your every motivation. If I were to write a eulogy for you I wouldn’t even know where I begin… 

Should I begin with the day we met? That hot summer morning on my way to my Grandmother’s house and you were just moving into the house next door? I still remember we were about twelve both looking confused as ever when our eyes locked into place for the first time because frankly our neighborhood barely had any new residents.  Our town was only a spec on the map, even with a magnify glass you could barely see us. Of the odds though you were the only person I was able to confide myself to and I am not sure if it was because we both came from tough pasts of losing a parent before we were even able to walk or because you found me crying on the front porch that night when my father had too much to drink. You didn’t even ask me any questions, you only split your cherry Popsicle in half and handed me the other half. We both sat there licking away while the rest of the world was crumbling before our eyes. Even though you did not speak a lot, your gestures did speak for themselves and when you did speak I was always left in dismay. Just like that one time someone decided to vandalize my locker with the words "heifer" and "moo" scattered onto my locker and with the only thought that came to my mind was how much of a loser I was. But then you said…

“Carly, you mustn’t be so hard on yourself there are plenty of people out there who already wants to make you miserable. Don’t be on their side; you have way too much to offer to just have it be wasted in self-pity. Come on say it with me. Team Carly! I am not hearing you! TEAM CARLY!”

To this day I can still hear you chanting “team Carly” and in all honesty you saved my life. For once I was able to remove the blanket I had been using to cover my mirror and gave myself a good look. I wept as though I was in shock in seeing an old friend and smiling and laughing for being ever so grateful of being alive to experience this moment. You were able to find the Carly I had lost since I was fourteen. 

Or should I begin on our first day of school? We were both assigned to the same teacher Mrs. Flowers and as our little joke we would always bring a flower because her last name was Flowers and we would place it on her desk without being caught. Most of the time her desk was cluttered with flower petals but I don't think that had bothered Mrs. Flowers. Being anonymous at that time seemed more exciting and bad butt than simply leaving flowers out in the open. We did things not to seek attention but more to see how others would react. Our classmates always sent out odd expressions in our direction but I didn’t care as long as I was spending time with you. Then during recess I would stand on your shoulders to peer out of the windows to see Mrs. Flowers sniffing the yellow rose we had given her that day and you would beg me to get off as your legs wobbled uncontrollably. We were only kids without a clue that we were making a difference in Mrs. Flowers’s life. 

So this is why I need you to wake up Nate. I need you to know of how much you impacted my life and how much you have caused ripples in other people’s lives. No one knows your story more than you do. To be part of your story is the same as saying that I was only the icing to the cake, but in reality many people come to eat the cake because that is where most of the richness comes from. Your mother right now has been sleeping in an uncomfortable seat next to you for the past three days with a fear that if she leaves, that she may not be able to see you or even have a chance to say goodbye. Please do not make me say goodbye. Please… I am not ready; I should have told you that I love you when I had the chance. I should have known better not to have let you leave my house when you said you needed space. I should have kept an eye out for you to know that you arrived home safely because I know you would have done the same. You were always the strong one. So strong, that not even your best friend was able to tell that you were screaming for help. I am so so sorry, Nate. I wish you can acknowledge how awful I feel for not doing the best I can, I should have done better. I cannot forgive myself for being so careless and I cannot even imagine how terrified your mother had felt when she found you in the tub next to empty bottles of pain killers. I really wish you would have told me about the battles you have been fighting; maybe I could have done something to help. Even if I was no help in conquering I could have been the supplier. Now I am wondering if I will ever see your dark brown eyes again, the same ones I have grown to love more each day since we met.

Just know that this is your final battle and no one can decide for you. It is your choice whether you want to live to see what else life has to offer or to close the book. But if you were to ask me, I still think you have plenty to write in your book. For now, I’ll just leave your other half of the cherry Popsicle right here.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I have always had a terrible time writing stories because of my writer's block sneaking up at me whenever I get the writing bug. Which is why I prefer to write poems, or short stories because they get straight to the point. If you did not get the main topic of this short story I wanted to center it around suicide and how many things are left incomplete in the act. "Eliminate the should haves" as straightforward of a title can be, instead of saying the should haves when the person has the crossed the line of no return, we should constantly be telling the ones we love that we do love and appreciate them. We cannot read minds so of course we would not know what the person is going through but we also should not wait until the last minute to be confessing the love we have to one another.

For those going through tough times just know that there is always help out there. I am sure there are people who are willing to listen to what you have to say and if you cannot find a family member or a friend you can always call, you can even text the suicide hotline if you do not feel like talking and one of their representatives will gladly be there to assist you. Here is some information that can be useful.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in the United States:
1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in United Kingdom:
+44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK - local rate)

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in France:
01 45 39 40 00

National Suicide Prevention Hotline in Russia:
007 (8202) 577-577

If you cannot find your country here is a list of Suicide Hotlines you can find them on this website:
International Suicide Hotlines

You are not alone, keep that in mind and if you are having suicidal thoughts please speak up. Being scared is okay but holding dangerous and damaging thoughts and information is not.

Love you all! You are all stronger than you think, do not forget that!

xx Chavelita

Nothing but clever thoughts

I have constantly been asking myself for the reasons behind the behaviors of others, most importantly my peers (alright, my acquaintances) and is like the pile of disappointments are outweighing the positives.

It is sad that some students do no understand that our teachers are as human as we are, or in fact more human than we are for actually being able to make a living through their own teachings. People forget that teachers go through regular stress and drama of their own and because they are not asked it does not mean that it is not occurring. Not many give their teachers a chance and instead they come up with assumptions for one independent event. Such as when I work in my school's office, it is about a regular that a student will complain that their counselor is never there when they come to see them. Excuse me, but a counselor has emergencies too, a counselor needs to nourish themselves during lunch time, a counselor gets sick too because THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO! Amazing, right? They have blood and flesh just like us, it's remarkable. Honestly, if something is going to be said it should have evidence to actually back up what is going to be said. Some people complain about their counselor not being there and they only went twice. Besides instead of complaining (which could of been time used to do something productive) come during another time or email them. Whatever it is but people have to stop expecting that the world does not revolve around them.

Something happened today in my short day of class today, and it was that my classmates was laughing at their teacher who were stating her opinions and the fact the plagiarism is indeed something that should be avoided especially in IB where if a sentence is copied, that document will be immediately be voided ruining the chance of receiving the IB diploma. I do not understand what is so hilarious about a teacher looking out for her students, in fact she has every right to be scolding the students for previous copying that has been occurring. It is understandable that she is speaking to her whole IB class of this situation occurring and that to some students it should not be a problem but it is as if people are taking IB seriously. I cannot say that last year IB class were more structured and motivated to reach the highest potential they could possibly reach but from the look of my class it is the opposite. Students believe that they can get away with anything such as copying and not have the teachers notice, but when something stinks it is quite hard to not notice the smell. I am truly appreciated through the amount of time, work, and patience these teachers has given us because it is for them that I feel confident to continue this program knowing that if I do what they tell me to do, it is for my future benefit. Teachers are people too, with emotions and sometimes they do feel insecure but the magic of actually socializing with them and getting to know them you will soon realize how hilarious they are and what similar interests that are shared.

It is quite annoying that I come up with the cleverest things to say after my opportunity to actually say it. This is something I want to work on, I am tired of being the bystander who hears everything and does not do anything about it. I have a voice, I should use it even if it means getting judgments from certain people or group of people.

(Just because you casually speak to your teachers/counselors, it does not make you their pet. It means you're mature enough to see that the differences are actually similarities.)

Has there been a time when you just want to slap some sense into people?

xx Chavelita