Day 23: Weird thoughts...

For the most part if you have had the chance to get to know me personally, you may all have realized that I do not talk much. Sometimes people have to ask me my opinion on a certain matter or ask me questions to get me to share my thoughts which does not annoy me at all. Then for the most part I have no idea how to put my thoughts into words that I either forget to talk about it or I purposefully don't say them. Here I'll try to give you some insider as to what my thoughts consist of. Hopefully you all don't think I have lost my marbles or anything, I just find these thoughts to make absolute sense to me.

I have this logic that I have always been in this deep slumber apart from where I am now. While I am sleeping, that is when I am living this life right now. I am in the woods, in this red cabin, lying on a stiff bed while people are waiting for me to wake up to hear what I have experienced in my sleep. So I guess you can say that I do not believe in death? Just story teller after story teller.  (No I do not believe in reincarnation) 

I've been mesmerized a lot when I was younger that I had my own control. How I can move my hands, my fingers, my legs, toes, think without having no one tell me what I should think about, and just be sincerely happy that I was able to live this life. 

I swear like a sailor in my head and I am not sorry. 

When doomsday was supposed to have a couple of years ago I actually calculated how old I would be and wonder if I would have lived a fulfilled life by then. I also thought that Jesus was actually going to come down from the heavens during this horrible storm I had imagined while I was on the school bus, grab me by the arm, and run to safety with me. 

I was never curious where babies come from when I was younger, I had a lot more things to think about apparently. Eventually I was told casually where they came from and I do not remember being mentally scarred because I found the information to make sense. 

I have always been a shy, quiet girl that growing up I just began to talk to myself. Connecting with myself on a whole different level. Not out loud, of course not! (Only when I scold myself...) For the most part I have been the perfect friend for myself who understands me for who I am without having to explain myself why I behave and react the way I do now. 

Sitting down at the commissary (the supermarket on base) I was probably around the age of eight or nine and I thought, man God has made into this human where I get to accomplish whatever it is that I set my mind to... Then I thought of how I had this power, going back again with being given this life to help people because if they are struggling, then I should at least give it a shot just like Jesus did. (Promise me, I am not trying to convert anybody. You be you, and I will appreciate for the person you sincerely are.)

What weird thoughts do you have?

xx Chavelita

Day 18: Thirty facts about me

Since my introduction, I haven't posted another random facts about me kind of blogpost. Now that I may have more readers, I find it a great idea to retouch and add some new facts about me that just been sitting in the back of my mind. Usually when people do not ask me specific questions about my past, then I will not think or talk about it. Not that I do not want people to know but they are just stored so tightly in my mind that the information does not release as easily as other moments or memories... So here are thirty facts about me!

1. I was born on midnight of July fourth, which on my birth certificate it says 00:01 of July fifth, but secretly I like to think I was born on both days
2. One of my doctors had told me I had an extra rib, so whether that is still a mystery or a fact I still like to think I have an extra rib to explain the cause of my scoliosis other than my turtle slow growing rate
3. I learned Spanish when I was four years old in Puerto Rico with my extended family (I am Puerto Rican fyi), so even though I may or may not have an accent speaking Spanish or English, just know I am bilingual and yes I understand both languages fluently
4. When I was in eighth grade I used to be a reporter for the school's media program and I actually met veterans who fought during Pearl Harbor, I still remember them saying to put our phones on 'shake' instead of saying vibrate aha
5. Maybe I should explain that I have lived in Hawaii for three years (6th to 8th grade) so that is how I met veterans from Pearl Harbor (before anyone else asks I lived in a legitimate house, not some hut come on now this is twenty first century...)
6. I used to be a alter server, a dedicated one too because there was one point where I thought I was too young to be one that I actually started crying when they wouldn't let me one week until the following week I was given the chance to serve. Ever since I lived in Hawaii I would serve at church whenever my name was on the schedule
7. I am allergic to pecans and walnuts (all other nuts I am fine with) I also had a near death experience when I blindly had pecans at a friend's house and started to have a serious allergic reaction which consisted of irritated skin that was swollen, big lips, itchy throat, and in the morning I woke up with swollen eyes. Lesson learned guys, do not think you can fight an allergic reaction alone in the middle of the night, please go to the hospital... 
8. Following the allergic reactions trend, I am also allergic to ant bites so wherever I am bit by an ant, whether it is on my foot or my arm, I will swell up.
9. I haven't reached five feet in height so I am constantly being mistaken for a fifteen year old or younger so I have a memory slot just dedicated to the many reactions of people when I tell them my real age
10. I still do not know how to drive
11. I went to nine different public schools until the time I graduated from high school
12. I visited Mauna Kea on the Big Island (yes there is a cluster of islands that consider to be Hawaii is not just Oahu) which is a dormant volcano in Hawaii, we were so high that instead of looking up to see the clouds, we had to look down and boy was I freezing! 
13. In sixth grade I was given the opportunity to give the class speech but since I couldn't say the word 'cherish' at the time my speech was given to another girl... 
14. In Hawaii my designated hospital was Tripler which is known to be a big pink hospital because I heard that apparently the person who was in charge of ordering paint or the person who delivered the paint was given the wrong color and well one day I had asked my dad which was probably days after I saw the reenactment of Pearl Harbor on DVD that if the halls were in fact filled with patients in beds. Well there was a man who was walking on the opposite side of the hall walking in our direction crossing and I am not sure if my dad asked him my question or if he overheard but he did confirm that actually happened. So I felt like I was walking through a piece of history every time I had my appointments in Tripler. 
15. Last year I saw bio-luminescent fish with my extended family for the first time in Puerto Rico. There was a boat ride to get to their habitat but whenever you would touch the water the fish would lit up in a way that they were like water dragonflies, I thought I was living in a fairy tale for a moment. 
16. I learned how to ride a bicycle in little as five minutes with my dad because I was tired of being the only sixth grader who for the most part was the only one who didn't know how. I tried teaching myself at first in the grass, but my dad saw me struggling and decided to help me out by teaching me on the pavement in front of the house.
17.  I only have fallen in love once but never had a relationship with anybody 
18. When I was about eight or nine I used to sing in the church choir along with my brothers and a few other people (I need to find out where the rest of that confidence went to continue singing in public)
19. For as long as I can remember, I am afraid of needles. No matter how much I try to prepare myself or calm myself before any vaccinations or blood work, my heart is still racing and my blood pressure would be at its peak. The tears never fail either. 
20. I'm good at math, but when I'm adding simple numbers I still use my fingers to count just to make sure I counted correctly in my head the first time
21. When I was little I would cut the hair of my Barbies thinking that their hair will grow back just like mine
22. Growing up I wasn't really into the Disney princesses but I know for a fact that I was obsessed with Tinkerbell and I still think that she's pretty cool. 
23. I always found myself being around people older than me unless I was in school then yeah I befriended people around my age, but outside of school I found friendships with older people to be easier and more interesting. People would tell me that I was mature and wise for my age but I didn't believe them because I thought my thoughts were as normal as everybody else's. 
24. I still avoid people I am familiar with in public areas
25. If you do not know by now, I am a big reggaeton (Spanish rap) kind of gal. I listen to it so often that I get upset at myself for knowing most of the songs I hear on the radio or anywhere that is playing and get really excited and obsessive when I hear new reggaeton music. 
26. In kindergarten, I would actually give my teacher roses because in front of the house I used to live, we had rosebushes that would naturally grow. 
27. I still laugh the same today as I used to when was ten or maybe even younger.
28. I am not afraid of bugs (I once crushed a cockroach with my hand because I couldn't find anything else to kill it with), but I cannot stand seeing dead animals...
29. I had a grandfather from my dad's side who owned a tiny neighborhood convenience shop and it is still running by my uncle, I actually saw it the last time I went to Puerto Rico and has the same original sign
30. I actually didn't mind whenever I matched outfits with my mom when I was little, also I didn't understand what was so embarrassing about looking similar. My mom seemed to love doing it, so why not let her? For the most part I am not embarrassed to have my parents around I actually find myself laughing more with them around. At a young age I was taught to just be myself and so I did. I really didn't understand why some things were the way they were supposed to so I didn't pay attention to them growing up maybe that's why I am not afraid to embarrass myself in front of people because either way I would be laughing along. 

What are some interesting facts about yourself?

xx Chavelita

Day 8: The struggle is real

As bubbly as I can be, I do hit those dark moments of struggle and although I try to limit those moments they still sneak up on me. No matter how hard you attempt to repress, push away, or ignore the problem they come out stronger than the first time you experienced them which is what I have learned the hard way. So before the problem worsens try to find a person you deeply trust and tell them, you will thank yourself later.

For quite some time I have struggled to display my emotions to other people. There has been several moments where I would just not allow people to see me broken and vulnerable because I did not want people to change their idea about me. I thought that crying in front of people was a sign of weakness and while I would cry I felt bad because I would think my problems were not even that bad compared to what other people are going through and have to live with on a daily basis. And boy was I terribly wrong... The moment my mom started crying when my grandmother had passed away, I had broken down as well but instead of running to go hug her I had ran away to go cry on my own by the stairs in front of my house. The moment when my teacher announced that she was leaving back to her hometown I also left to cry in a restroom stall for a good solid five minutes. The worst one yet was the day when my dad was deployed and I actually cried multiple times during the day but I don't think anyone noticed because I did not allow myself to be seen. I have come to a point where I just felt like I was numb emotionally, I would wake up gaze around, get ready for school and linger in the hallways just to get through the day where I can go home and get into bed. Not that I didn't care about others and what was going around me, but I was really disconnected with my surroundings. I would sometimes think that I had depression but since I didn't actually see a doctor I wasn't evaluated. I really needed help and wanted help but I wasn't sure where to begin. All those times where I spent alone feeling horrible and miserable even scared that someone was going to catch me slipping away, I still wished that someone found me, scooped me up, and just held me. I don't even think it was because of the fact that people were leaving and life was changing rather quickly for me that I didn't know how to deal with it but more so it was a collection of unresolved stress, negativity, and excessive thinking that consumed myself and I do not feel proud for this former part of me. You should never let anything consume you to the point where you do not feel anything.

I remember when my dad was cleaning the garage and packing his things to prepare for his deployment I pretty much let go of everything I was holding on to. Took all the courage I had to tell my dad what was going on with me or at least tried to explain what I was feeling. There was this relief that now instead of carrying everything that I had, I had someone helping me carry my heavy baggage. It's not easy climbing out of the cracks as one continues to fall deeper and deeper into their own misery, but when you have company things begin to lighten up.

So what have I learned? That it is okay to feel sad, IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD. We are human and we are no where near perfect so of course when events come out of the blue don't be ashamed if you find yourself crying or freaking out. Life did not come with instructions so don't feel like you need to know everything that is going on with your life. Everyone on this planet is winging life this very moment. Your problems do matter, never underestimate your problems and never place your problems on a scale because even if you win the prize is not something you would to be proud of having on display. Do seek help if you cannot find a solution. Please know that someone does care and love you for who you are so don't feel the need to protect them from yourself. Remember that they picked and stayed with you for a reason. I actually treasure most when people can be completely honest with me through the tears, the swearing, and screaming, do what it takes to get those ideas out of your head. Just make sure that you do not mistreat the person that is listening to you because for the most part it's not their fault.

What is a struggle that you overcame?

xx Chavelita