Day 13: "I'm so excited and I just can't hide it!"

There is only two things I feel like I'm excited about at the moment. One of them would be to see and hug my dad again for the first time in nine months and the second would be starting college. The only downside is that these two events almost happen around the same time, so I find it quite upsetting that I am not able to spend as much time with my dad after waiting for this eternity to end and for this moment to happen. On the other hand though, I'm actually pumped to start college which is another part of growing up and developing my character that would potentially tackle the world with the rest of the people who are attacking this world. I won't lie though, I am scared for this moment to happen because I know I would want to tap out within the very month or two that I was dropped off in college. Only do the people who went out of town for college can understand the same mixed emotions I am sensing because I will not be able to simply take a public bus home and sleep in my own bed with my parents asking me how my day went. Though as I have told plenty of people, if I do not leave now then I feel like I would never leave the comfort of my house. I am the one here detaching myself from my bubble, this comfort zone that I had created for myself the start of my freshman year of high school and well beginning from scratch to build a new comfort zone in college with my new not yet met peers and professors. The only thing that has kept my sanity together is the faith I have placed on myself that not everything will go as planned but at least I am giving this a try and I'm really running with the wind. College to me sounds like such a great opportunity, I have heard stories from my parents and I actually want stories of my own to share at the dinner table whenever I reunite with my loved ones. I know that this semester of college will probably not be the smoothest of semesters but I will not be the only freshman in college to be feeling those pangs of nostalgia, fear, and doubt. I just have to remain calm, smile and say hello to anyone I encounter, and try my best to transition myself into college mode.

What are you excited about?

xx Chavelita

Day 12: Blessed and grateful

At random moments over the months, I look back to all the wonderful and not so glamorous portions of my life. Then after coming up from the thoughts, I come into realization that not everybody goes through the same path to get to where they are today. Some of us went through a long bumpy road, others went down a rocky slide, and others went through a maze to get to where they are now. The reason why I did not put that some glided through success is because success does not come from being lucky but more with the work that has be put to achieve their position. If life went smoothly all the time, then what would be the definition of living? Anyway here are five things as to why I feel blessed as I walk through my own road.

1. For my parents who are still happily married - After nine years of dating and twenty three years of being married, ever since I was little my parents relationship was always something I looked up to. Even though I was younger and did not understand what the struggles they went through to provide for my brothers and I, they never blamed us and they definitely never lost their temper with us. Most of my memories were silly, funny, and full of love and cuddles. For that I will never trade my parents or those memories for anything. 
2. For being healthy - Something that I take for granted, is being healthy which is by far a blessing. To be able to see, hear, touch, smell, and taste, now that's a big deal. 
3. To be able to go to college - One of the things that I was most worried about is being able to pay for college which could have also been the greatest obstacle to maintain my position as a college student. At least with the support of my parents and the scholarships that I have earned for the following semester has placed me in a good position to attend college. 
4. For the people who had walked into my life whether they stayed or left - Everyone had a purpose in my life whether the impact was minimal or substantial, I have learned immensely from each person. Those are the people that has transformed me into the person I am today which is why it is a blessing to say, for getting me into the position I am today.  
5. For my best friend - My best friend always makes me feel blessed and I feel like we have defeated many odds as we have remained friends for eight years... Yeah eight years, the same age as a child. Mind blowing but I am glad that we stuck with one another because she is literally my other half. 

What makes you feel blessed?

xx Chavelita

Day 11: What happened?

I have the words, but how am I supposed to say them?
Collection of letters only to have it all lost
With only a few days left by the hem
How silly must it feel to be waiting to defrost

From a person who forgot how to smile
I wonder what happened
Was simplicity fading away with each mile?
Or did they trade in their smile hoping for something less dampened?

With these days slowly ticking
From what I used to be and transforming into what I am now
My waiting is flickering
And with time I will disallow

No more what if
No more useless I love yous
From a person who leaves me naked
To defrost in the middle of June

For whatever value brings
Do not take defeat
Shield away from the swings
That love could appear to be bittersweet

Only when I see
That me can be I
Give myself away
To the one who deserves

Me.

xx Chavelita

Day 10: Future psychologist

Throughout the time I was in high school in the back of my mind I already had the idea of becoming a psychologist. Maybe even younger I wanted to become a psychologist I just didn't know that there was an actual profession to what I wanted to do. Now what specialty I wanted to be in the psychology field that I spent quite some time considering which one best fit me but I had this feeling that I was meant to be a psychologist. In my nature I wanted to help people in someway and what I have learned that simply using my words I was able to gain the trust of people and assist them without making them feel pressured or uncomfortable to tell me. Do not get me wrong if I had a choice to speak or not, I wouldn't be talking. Yet with psychology it gives me a reason to speak even more so to talk and express new ideas that may be beneficial for others. Talking to people may seem like a job that anybody can do but you have to be careful with your word choice. You have to be tactful, considerate, and be as unbiased as you can with your patience to be able to get the most genuine information that you can. This is probably why I had plenty of people tell me that being a psychologist is a job everyone wants to do that is easy or when people are not sure what they want to do as career. So in other words, I was getting this idea that being a psychologist was kind of like this place holder to buy more time to figure out the desired career. Yet, psychology is my desired career... I do not see myself doing anything else other than making a profession in psychology, a clinical psychologist to be more specific. To work along side a psychiatrist and learn more about mental disorders, even if I may spend the rest of my life researching new information and discovering new topics of human behavior through studies, that I wouldn't mind doing. Learning about the human behavior and the mind is intriguing and since psychology is probably one of the youngest sciences to be learning from, then that still opens up to the endless amount of knowledge that we may not know yet.

With my fear of blood and my lack of not thinking on the spot, being a doctor or a nurse was already out of the question. Coming from a family of nurses, I appreciate my mom's and my uncles' career as a nurse and I understand that it takes patience and strength but that was just not my calling. On the other hand I had a uncle on my dad's side that suggested that I should become a psychiatrist, learn medicine and treat people who is struggling through that form. Though my plan did not include medicine and I understand that I will learn that different medicines to use and the recommended dosages but I do not see myself writing prescriptions to medicines that I may not even believe in. I wouldn't be able to live with myself to be paid a bit more to promote medicine from companies for medicine that completely changes the individual. Medicine may work in some cases, do not get me wrong, but I still see medicine as a last resort in treating people. I am pretty sure there are plenty of alternatives to treat mental disorders, we just haven't discovered it yet. 

What is your dream career?

xx Chavelita

Day 9: Anna Eleanor Roosevelt

A little bit about Anna Eleanor Roosevelt, she was born on October 11 of 1884 who yup you guessed it was married to Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Inspired by this woman, she remained on her feet and was on top of anything she could get her hands on to change the United States. When she had discovered that FDR was having an affair with her social secretary but since Eleanor was married she remained loyal to him. Although Eleanor was the one who offered the divorce and that her mother-in-law wanted them to remain together, Eleanor told FDR to end his affair or she would divorce him. (Literally no garbage was given to Eleanor) In addition to her mother-in-law not wanting Eleanor to get into politics with FDR, she still did and was she amazing... She became the vice-president and finance chairman for the Democratic Women's Committee in 1925 and was a part owner for a college preparatory for upper-class girls. She used her time by providing exercises that helped girls think for themselves and open their minds to problems that were happening in the nation.
In 1933 she was the First Lady to hold all-female press conferences and in 1935 she provides a meeting to discuss the role of women in politics. Then in 1939 Eleanor was defying segregation laws by sitting in between the whites and blacks at the Southern Conference of Human Welfare. She saw no difference in what made individuals the way they are on their skin color and gave everyone opportunities to express themselves. Eleanor would also travel for her husband during his presidency when he was too ill. This not only gives women recognition in politics but also states that women could do the same things that men can if only they were given the chance to do so.  Her list of accomplishments stretches out and overall she is an amazing women figure for providing a voice to those who didn't have one.

One of the quotes that stuck to me is her well known quote, "No once can make you feel inferior without your consent". Which means that you have the choice to either respond to the negativity or to let the negativity slip right off. When you give consent that means that you are allowing the other person to hurt you. With this quote it entails that you have the choice to react to what is being said to us and let the information effect us or we have the choice to listen but use it as oil to spark the fire within us to create changes in our lives. Just like any news that is told, there are multiple aspects to interpret a set of news but it is up to you how you want to view the news. So just remember everyone has their own opinions and some of them you will agree with and others not so much, but remain respectful. Do not be the person who makes others feel inferior and do not let anyone make you feel inferior. As soon as you let someone make you feel inferior then you already loss. Most of the time those who want to make you feel inferior is because they are already inferior themselves and you do not have to lower yourself to make your statement.

What quote speaks to you?

Anna Eleanor Roosevelt

xx Chavelita

Day 8: The struggle is real

As bubbly as I can be, I do hit those dark moments of struggle and although I try to limit those moments they still sneak up on me. No matter how hard you attempt to repress, push away, or ignore the problem they come out stronger than the first time you experienced them which is what I have learned the hard way. So before the problem worsens try to find a person you deeply trust and tell them, you will thank yourself later.

For quite some time I have struggled to display my emotions to other people. There has been several moments where I would just not allow people to see me broken and vulnerable because I did not want people to change their idea about me. I thought that crying in front of people was a sign of weakness and while I would cry I felt bad because I would think my problems were not even that bad compared to what other people are going through and have to live with on a daily basis. And boy was I terribly wrong... The moment my mom started crying when my grandmother had passed away, I had broken down as well but instead of running to go hug her I had ran away to go cry on my own by the stairs in front of my house. The moment when my teacher announced that she was leaving back to her hometown I also left to cry in a restroom stall for a good solid five minutes. The worst one yet was the day when my dad was deployed and I actually cried multiple times during the day but I don't think anyone noticed because I did not allow myself to be seen. I have come to a point where I just felt like I was numb emotionally, I would wake up gaze around, get ready for school and linger in the hallways just to get through the day where I can go home and get into bed. Not that I didn't care about others and what was going around me, but I was really disconnected with my surroundings. I would sometimes think that I had depression but since I didn't actually see a doctor I wasn't evaluated. I really needed help and wanted help but I wasn't sure where to begin. All those times where I spent alone feeling horrible and miserable even scared that someone was going to catch me slipping away, I still wished that someone found me, scooped me up, and just held me. I don't even think it was because of the fact that people were leaving and life was changing rather quickly for me that I didn't know how to deal with it but more so it was a collection of unresolved stress, negativity, and excessive thinking that consumed myself and I do not feel proud for this former part of me. You should never let anything consume you to the point where you do not feel anything.

I remember when my dad was cleaning the garage and packing his things to prepare for his deployment I pretty much let go of everything I was holding on to. Took all the courage I had to tell my dad what was going on with me or at least tried to explain what I was feeling. There was this relief that now instead of carrying everything that I had, I had someone helping me carry my heavy baggage. It's not easy climbing out of the cracks as one continues to fall deeper and deeper into their own misery, but when you have company things begin to lighten up.

So what have I learned? That it is okay to feel sad, IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD. We are human and we are no where near perfect so of course when events come out of the blue don't be ashamed if you find yourself crying or freaking out. Life did not come with instructions so don't feel like you need to know everything that is going on with your life. Everyone on this planet is winging life this very moment. Your problems do matter, never underestimate your problems and never place your problems on a scale because even if you win the prize is not something you would to be proud of having on display. Do seek help if you cannot find a solution. Please know that someone does care and love you for who you are so don't feel the need to protect them from yourself. Remember that they picked and stayed with you for a reason. I actually treasure most when people can be completely honest with me through the tears, the swearing, and screaming, do what it takes to get those ideas out of your head. Just make sure that you do not mistreat the person that is listening to you because for the most part it's not their fault.

What is a struggle that you overcame?

xx Chavelita

Day 7: Songs that bring back memories

Music is like this cycle of stories. First the songwriter plans out this idea of what they want to publish out to the world whether is an idea or an emotion that wants to get recognition from others who feel similar to that sensation or can give feedback to their idea. Then the person listening to the song stems out their ideas or emotions during the time they're listening and produces their own story based on the song whether it's through the lyrics, or the way the song was constructed and those stories remain to be vivid. Here are some of the songs that gives me a full slap of nostalgia.

1. Ring My Bell by Anita Ward - When I was around the age of four or five, my mom had this old black boombox in the kitchen (yes the ones where people would put them on their should and walk around the streets with). Well my dad had made me a CD, my first CD ever, with about twelve tracks with songs that he had grown to listen to and in the evenings I would pop in the CD in the CD player and spend the whole evening singing and dancing to it. One time in particular I had brought a paper cut out of a skeleton from school that was traced with my measurements and since the paper was the same size as me, I would dance along with it as a dance partner. I am not sure my mom has pictures, but I am pretty sure she remembers too. I also had been misinterpreting the lyrics so whenever Anita Ward would sing, "You can ring my bell" I would think she was saying my name and although I have learned the lyrics I still think Anita Ward is saying "Isabel". 
2. Suavemente by Elvis Crespo - This song gives me flashbacks to my Quinceanera that happened in October of 2013 that I had in Puerto Rico and most of my family was there to celebrate my birthday even though my birthday is in July. Well apparently this day was an emotional day not just for myself, but for some of my uncles, cousins, and my dad. As soon as you pull out the Sangria you already know where the night is leaning into. Lets just say my uncle had too much to drink and wanted to dance with me. This song was playing and if you do not know how to dance Merengue, you mainly use your hips to sway along to the beat of the song and you step backwards and forwards mirroring your dance partner. The funny moment was that my uncle told me that I need to put more hip into the song but I had thought I was doing a swell job especially for not hurting anyone and I felt that at what point of the song he was ready to just let me go and dance alone. I guess there is no holding back when you're in the zone. 
3. Better Man by Pearl Jam - The other day I charged my old I-Pod touch that I had used during my middle school times and in my I-Pod my songs fall under the miscellaneous category because my songs differed from oldies to rap to alternative to the random assortment of The Beatles. Before I had left to Hawaii my best friend gave me a going away CD that held most of the songs that we would listen together during elementary school and to keep a back up of the CD I decided to sync the entire CD onto my I-Pod. One of the songs that I remember listening to is Better Man by Pearl Jam and this brings me back to the time when we would sing to anything that caught our attention. Still shy to sing out loud, I remember I had to sing this song on my own in front of the computer where the microphone was located 
4. Fuckin' Perfect by P!nk - I think it's safe to say that during the early teenager years we have gone through the phase of insecurities and lack of confidence and the only way we felt better about ourselves was to listen to music that boasts up the confidence. Lost count as to how many times I would listen to this song but I would say that P!nk has helped me out to get over my flaws and to embrace them for what they are. "Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're less than fucking perfect". Always keeping that in mind. 
5. The Ketchup Song by Las Ketchup - Oh, I don't remember exactly when was the first time I heard this song but I kind of want to say that this song was probably my first Spanish song that I heard. This song is special because my mom would get excited to see me excited when I heard this song and since the song had dance moves I would try to dance along to their music video. One of the few songs that could bring an immediate smile to my face and remind me of how simplistic life used to be. 
6. Any Salsa song whether it's from El Gran Combo to Celia Cruz - If you have ever been over at my house while my dad is around, then you most likely heard him sing. That man has always been singing to Salsa songs and I am still amazed of how much Salsa he knows. Like every song I've heard with him, he either knows the whole song or pieces of the lyrics and then asks me who is singing which the majority of the time I got wrong... So any song that has the slightest touch of Salsa rhythm, it reminds me of my dad which brings me so much nostalgia and happiness at the same time. At least when I miss him, I can play Salsa music and picture him singing and grabbing my hands to dance with him even though I was not the best Salsa dancer. 
7. Any bachata song whether it's from Monchy y Alexandra to Romeo Santos - Bachata songs always reminds me of home (Puerto Rico), when I was around the age of four my cousin taught me how to dance Bachata in her living room. I can still remember having the music playing and my mom and my other cousin cheering me on. Yeah Bachata comes from the Dominican Republic but since the island is right next to Puerto Rico, I still feel a strong influence in Puerto Rico. At least when I am missing my family I can play Bachata music I can imagine myself being there on the island with them.  

Which songs brings you back into memory lane?

xx Chavelita