Building blocks

Well for about a month now I have been living on my own with my college roommate and there is just not one day where my parents crosses my mind. Like the Saturday of my first college football game (which was such a spectacular experience to encounter) I was ironing my white shirt since the whole school was going to white out the opponent and well as careless as I was, I plugged in my iron into the outlet, turned up the heat, and left the iron laying faced down onto my bed sheets. Before I had time to realize what a mistake I had done to leave my iron faced down on my bed sheets, there was already a hole in my bed sheet from the heat. The hole would of been fine if only the hole was not right smack in the middle where I slept. Right after I got upset at myself for burning my newly bought bed sheets, my immediate thought was my mother getting upset for being forgetful.

Which brought to my attention that even though I do not live with my parents anymore, they still are a big factor, they are still a part of me. I look in the mirror and I remind myself of my mother. How we both seal our emotions away from people until the seal breaks, the way I worry about so many things that may not even involve me, how we remain consistent in our choices when we have to choose a restaurant to eat which normally ends up in either tacos or enchiladas at the end of the day, and how we look for approval in each other when buying clothes that are a bit out of our comfort zones. Then on the other hand I find myself joking around with people I barely meet, acting tough when in the inside I am scared to death, helping people to the best of my abilities, and being the one who listens and gives advice to my friends, reminds myself of my father and how much he would do these things while I was growing up.

This reminds me a lot about what I have learned at mass one day that because of our culture we sometimes do things the same way of our caretakers because that was just how things were done growing up. Which I agree because since we were little our parents (or guardians) have been our role model, teaching us how to speak in their native tongue, learning about traditions that we probably didn't understand what the true meaning was, how to treat others, basically we are all a reflection of our parents, at first. Then we grow older and we start to question why certain things happen in a specific way and why those things cannot be done in a different manner. On one hand, we begin to experiment and stray away while others prefer to stay with the familiarity. There are also cases where people experiment and come back to recite what they have learned. I want to say that this is how limits are tested to college students, like myself, are placed in their first year. The first year is the most crucial in college and I am now understanding what that all means. Some of us fit in well with our new lives while others run back to what is familiar. Not saying that they are weak, but to emphasis how much culture shapes the lives of people. Culture are the for sure the building blocks to behavior along with the environment one has grown up in.

Just wanted to say thank you to my parents for teaching me how to let go (and for letting me go) and be independent, providing me the support and a well conscious to tell the difference between right and wrong, for the traditions, and for letting me be myself because without those qualities I don't think I would of been writing this blog in the first place.


What is something that your parents or guardians have done for you that you will never forget?

xx Chavelita

College Update

Alright so maybe I fell off of the face of the Earth for the entire month of August, but no one told me how emotional this college transition was going to turn out. So here I will take the time to catch you up all as to what I have been up to this past month until now.

• Cultural shock. Just the atmosphere itself is different. Now I am lucky, no, EXCITED that I get to hear someone speak Spanish. When people would say that my hometown was like this safety bubble different from the rest of Texas, I did not obtain that full understanding until I actually left that bubble. That is the first of many things that I miss about home. I really hope to get over this cultural shock and learn to be able to connect with people here. 
• Food is a responsibility not a privilege. If I want to eat I have to either be able to make it in the comfort of my dorm room (which I don't mind much because that is what I would do at home) or put my shoes on to head out to go grab something to eat. No more laying in bed and get the occasional texts from my mom of whether I want a fried egg or pancakes while I was still in bed. Also remembering to eat is important because as busy as that college life could get time managing is important to schedule when you are going to eat because you do not want to be that kid in the middle of a quiet room with a monster roaring for attention. 
• Grocery shopping is also something that I haven't yet done but I will soon. Now I am going to be that lady who inspects all of her groceries to see if she is getting her money's worth of food. Adulthood is just one curious thing after the other. 
• HOMESICKNESS. Not that I get homesick that often because I force myself to stay busy but when I have those times to reflect over my day, you can't help but miss your parents and your friends. On my first time going to church alone, I couldn't stop thinking about my mom and all the lovely people who I would see every Sunday. That was probably my biggest bump in the road but at least I went to church and continued moving forward. It's still a part of who I am even though I am starting a new chapter in my life and I think it's fine to be homesick so long as it doesn't get in the way of the actual studying and learning part which is the reason why I left in the first place. 
• So many acquaintances, but still no friends. I have met so many people and seen so many people in these two weeks of school and it's so refreshing to be seeing people from all parts of the world speaking in their native tongue. So far I have not made any friends that I spend time on a regular basis outside of classroom hours (excluding my dorm roommate) but I am still trying to remain optimistic that I will soon find my people and be more comfortable at my campus.
• I am now a Research Assistant in the Psychology department. Before I had left for college I received an email from my psychology major adviser stating that there was research assistant opportunities open since those who were research assistant are or already have graduated and needed new people to come fill in the spaces. At first I thought it was a long shot to apply for one of the positions because I honestly had no clue what I was getting myself into but my mentality of college being the time of experimentation I submitted my application. A few days after I had started my classes, I received an email from the person in charge of the study asking when was a good time that I could meet for an interview. Here I am thinking that, alright everyone gets interviewed it's reasonable because they don't want to blindly accept someone without knowing a few things about them. On that Friday (which was last week if we want to be more specific) of my interview I actually tried on my appearance, straightened my hair, applied makeup, ironed out my shirt, I wanted to make a good impression. Arriving there 15 minutes before my interview I was mustering the courage I had to actually knock on the door because I was already waiting outside the door. Turns out that the interview went a lot smoother than I expected, all the nervous feelings I had kind of just remained outside of the door and the interview felt more like a casual conversation between the graduate student who was interviewing me and myself. What stood out from the whole interview that he normally does not get undergraduate freshmen applying for research assistants this soon into their college career but that my application stood out. I STOOD OUT. And well he also told me that normally he does not pick freshmen for the position but he chose me. ME. I couldn't have felt any more prouder in myself that day. I am starting this Tuesday and I am pretty excited as to what I get to do.
• Am I scared? A constant question I ask myself, but I can't quite decide if I am really scared to just be in a new environment handling different situations or I feel more independent but just wishing to have someone that tags along with me so I don't feel as lonely. For the most part, I don't think much about the thought of being alone and doing things for myself. Perhaps this is the major turning point to teenager into the starting of adulthood. I know that if my mom was still around I would stay near here but it's kind of hard when we're 335 miles apart from one another. You come to that point that you just stop thinking about the things that are not important and actual pinpoint want needs to get done and you do it. No one is going to be telling me,  "Isabel, did you do your laundry?" "Did you eat?" "Have you showered?" "How about that homework?" It's all on me (not that my parents had to constantly ask me these questions) but it feels great, I feel like I am more in control of my life. 
• Limits are well tested. Now that I don't really have a comfort zone anymore because even in my dorm room I am not completely by myself with my roommate, your limits are tested constantly. As frustrating as there is no comfort zone to run to and take cover, I am now obligated to speak and share my ideas. I have spoken up when I need to and I have been speaking with people that I barely know which is a big step for me since I like to keep to myself. So I have this logic that if I keep talking, I will soon find that one friend. 
• Speaking about roommates... We actually get along pretty well! I only have one roommate, and I am really blessed that she is my roommate because even though she may not know it, she is the only person who listens to me here at school in person. To have that opportunity to speak to someone personally about one's problems or just something on my mind, I think that is how I am keeping myself emotionally stable here to be honest. 
• Dorm room is a bit snug but it's comfortable and for that I can't complain. I have mixed feelings about having a dorm room that is almost at the end of the hall away from the elevators but at least I am closer to the stairs so in case of any emergency that results in evacuating the building I have that leverage. I am still getting used to having to walk around everywhere with my keys, I am surprised that I haven't locked myself out of my dorm room yet. *knock on wood*
• Communal showers are not bad at all! Even though I shower in my cheap flip flops everyday, I can't complain about the communal showers. There is nothing embarrassing about them either because just as a bathroom is made for everyone (in this case the ladies bathroom) has their business and does their business and then they leave. All the girls who I have been in the bathroom with have been respectful which is a plus side. There is enough space to not feel so cramped in one shower stall and there is also enough space to change clothes. THE SHOWER STALLS CAN CLOSE WHICH MAKES ME FEEL A WHOLE LOT SECURE. So yeah and the toilets are clean, thankful for the cleaning ladies they do such an amazing job keeping those bathrooms clean.
• Football games? Even though I may go by myself, I am planning to go to my first football game next Saturday (we had our first football game today) but I want to go the one next week because I play against my brother's college and I want to be there when I kick his butt! aha

For those of you who are college freshmen just as myself we are in this together! I wouldn't be surprised if you can entirely relate to what I have been feeling in just these last few weeks. For those who are planning on going to college soon, just know that college isn't as bad as you think it will be. I still have those fears but I am sure you will be fine. Things just take time to settle in so take your time and take advantage of all those opportunities that you see and hear about! You will soon find your people!

How was your first weeks as a college freshman?

xx Chavelita

Day 31: Questioning

For a while now I have been wanting to write this not just for myself but for my readers out there that are also questioning and figuring out who they are when it comes to sexuality. Now this isn't a coming out post because I feel strongly that I do like men, but I had come to a point in my life where I felt unsure. Like yeah I found some girls to be attractive but I couldn't see myself spending my life with a woman or to a raise a family with her if that is the case. On the other hand though I wasn't finding guys to be attractive either so I was kind of just stuck in between as to who or what did I actually like. I went through this stage that maybe I was just asexual and just wasn't fit for a relationship since I have never had that feeling of what it was like to be in one. I had started watching strong celebrity figures who had stated confidently about their sexuality such as Ellen Degeneres, Laverne Cox, Caitlyn Jenner, Ellen Page, Jane Lynch, and a few more on YouTube celebrities and I couldn't stop feeling so happy for them for figuring out that missing part of their lives. One of the videos that immediately struck a chord in my heart was from a YouTuber, Ingrid Nilsen. She is a beauty/lifestyle YouTuber that gives her viewers tips and inspiration on how to do certain makeup looks, putting your hair up a certain way, or sometimes just even talks casually all with a smile and making jokes on camera. The first time I started watching her videos I was upset about my petite size, but she is also petite and she was rocking with what she got. Having been subscribed to her channel for a few years, she posts her coming out video this year which definitely took me by surprise. I am not even sure that no one at first believed what was happening because Ingrid was always this chirpy, bubbly person that I wouldn't even guessed how much she was struggling to just come out to the public. When she started crying from happiness to be able say that she was gay, I kind of wanted to cry myself there was just so much emotion in that video that left me speechless at the end.

To stand true for themselves in all the hardships they had to overcome to realize that deep within themselves they knew who they were they were just unsure how to explain themselves to other people without having the fear of rejection. I already feel like it's tough enough as it is to be a sexuality that isn't heterosexuality because as a society we are still trying to get the full concept that the attraction, the desire, the love should only be solely based on female and male. Though what some are forgetting is that those are medical terms to distinguish whether you were born with a vagina or a penis but not all the time will these medical terms fit into the definition that you have set for yourself. No one is going to know you more, than you yourself. So if you have a vagina and feel attracted to ladies, then that's great or to a guy that is also great. Have a penis but like guys? Perfectly fine to me. Or attracted to ladies, that is also great. Transgender? I am still fine. Asexual? Totally respect your decision. Queer and more? Have my 100 percent approval. If you feel incredibly proud and happy for who you are then that is enough, you don't have to prove to other people unless you want to but that shouldn't be necessary. I am still going to love you.

Looking at coming out videos, this has taught me a very important lesson that society has already placed these stereotypes on the LGBTQ+ community that are already being implemented that people under this community behave a certain way but that is not how the way the community works. I think that is why when Ingrid came out I couldn't believe it because she didn't follow any of these set stereotypes which is a perfect example that everyone is a person living on this Earth. I feel horrible for this realization, for having a fraction of myself corrupted by society, but that is why I am constantly educating myself to learn more about the things that I am not being told. Coming back to the LGBTQ+ community, the people came first than the community, society just places another label on something they don't necessarily understand at the moment. From birth everyone is considered to be a human baby and depending how they grew up is how they behaved. What I am trying to say is that everyone is a human with a mind of their ideas and a body to carry themselves around. When I was younger and I know many of you can relate, we didn't see the person for their sexuality because that was not the first thing that come up in our minds. Perhaps for the majority, it's because we didn't know the difference between sexuality and gender. We saw people for the first time based on gender and not on sexuality, and for the most part if the person didn't say they were anything but heterosexuality, then we just assumed that they were heterosexual because for the longest time we are already placed with the idea that this ideal family consists of a mother and father then the children. I can't recall when was the first time I experienced same sex love but I didn't find it to be weird. Of course I was surprised but only because no one told me that was a possibility and I feel that is what we are doing wrong. People like to build bubbles around themselves away from things that they don't approve but forget that not everyone believes in the same things. So when parents block homosexuality from their homes, I feel that the child is not living a very truthful life. There is this giant elephant in the room and people do not want to talk about this matter. I know I can't force people to talk about things they don't want to discuss but at least tell your children that this does exist, that this is not some sort of monstrosity, life happens to everyone in different ways. As we live under the same sky, I feel that is enough to give people equal amount of chances.

I know I will never be able to empathize but I do support same sex marriage and the fact that everyone has the right to love who they want to love and live a fulfilled life.

Have you ever questioned your sexuality?

xx Chavelita

Day 30: Remember to open your eyes

There is always the time between eleven p.m. and one a.m. that my creative juices tend to flow out or more like my brain is just too tired to keep itself within its boundaries that my mind wanders off. Not all nights this happens but yesterday was one of those nights where I felt tired but I was not quite ready to fall asleep yet. Scrolling through social media I find a picture of my friend's drawing that instantly sparked ideas of things that I wanted to draw but I was not quite sure what yet but somehow I came up with the quote, "Remember to keep your eyes open" and started to draw the first thing that came into mind. One of the most valued features while I draw are eyes, which is why for the most part when you see any of my drawings their eyes are bigger or more centered attention than the rest of the drawing. Not because I enjoy drawing the eyes more than anything else, but eyes can be drawn in so many different ways and can shape the expression of the drawing. Big opened eyes can preview vulnerability and innocence while small eyes could express confusion or anger. Eyes allow to speak for itself and it's brilliant to say that eyes could tell so much more with just a glance.

When I was thinking about "Remember to keep your eyes open", I found it to be a reminder for myself to seek the possibilities out there and stop being afraid to take risks that may have a chance to change my life for the better. I also need to start giving other people chances who actually want to get to know me instead of being dryly sarcastic and disconnected. When I was younger, hugging and showing affection to people was like a piece of cake. I didn't think about how the other person will react, I simply went for that touch that everyone seeks and held it for as long as I could. Now that I am older, I find this action to be difficult and frustrating. I do want to hug people and show that I sincerely care, to kiss their cheek without feeling incredibly out of bounds. I do not want to miss anymore moments and instead I want to record all of these moments. Be more open to people and tone down a bit of the sarcasm, kind of settle my feet on the ground, and take in whatever it is that is going on at the moment.

You have the ability to change at any given day, at any given time. Do not feel like you have to stay the same person because people are used to the way you are. As many as people get accustomed to who you are, then it is possible for them to get used to the new you as well. So long as you changed to better yourself, then I don't find anything wrong in that. Throughout your early teenager years you're going to find yourself in loads of scenarios that test to see who you are and it's okay if you are not sure. All of these years you have to experiment as to what person you want to be, exactly. Depending on who you are brings in people that share similar qualities, so I don't find it surprising anymore when you find yourself speaking to new people and at other times speaking to a handful of people who remained by your side. Remember to open your eyes and try not to miss out on the good stuff in life. Seek out what you want to accomplish, follow your own path if you have to, look around you are not the only one trying to figure out what on Earth is going to happen next.

What was the last thing you saw that left you breathless?

xx Chavelita

Day 29: Goals for the next month

Most of my goals for August is pretty much college related because that is the month I start my first year of college! Pretty pumped, pretty frightened, but I am still looking forward to what the month of August has to offer for me. Turn a new page, start fresh, meet new people, cultures, finding out more about myself without the influence of people I have grown close to.

1. Settle in college smoothly - I can already feel move in weekend for me to be a whole load of stress on me so hopefully that everything moves rather easily without little to no complications. At least if things do go rather sleek, I will probably spend less time freaking out that I cannot turn back now or not have my parents around me when I feel uncomfortable.
2. Be able to see my friends one last time before we all split into different paths - This is a must because I know that if I go to college without seeing my close friends for the last time, I would simply be sad and have a lack of closure that will be bugging me. 
3. Get back into study mode - The time to put away the Netflix, and settle down to focus on my studies. Only this time I'll try to not let my studies completely consume me and try to get involved within my campus.
4. Try to post on my blog at least once a week - I am not sure I can promise this because I am not sure myself how much free time I will end up having. At least I know on Tuesday's I only have one class so maybe Tuesday's? Maybe it can work out, I can do my laundry and write to you guys. No promises though, I'll try to post whenever I can!
5. Make new friends in college and find an eating buddy - The sooner I make friends the easier the transition into college will be so if I at least make one new friend I will feel fine. Of course, I hope to find someone I can spend eating my meals with and get to know more in depth. I already had enough of eating alone in high school.
6. Celebrating my mom's 50th birthday - Not everyday someone turns half a century, and I want my mom's birthday to be special so crossing my fingers that I am able to make this happen. 
7. Take my dad to eat I-HOP - A promise is a promise, so I cannot wait until we have our own little pancake date before I head to college. 

What are your goals for next month?

xx Chavelita

Day 28: Things that make me LOL

This topic is quite difficult to pinpoint what exactly makes me laugh because I am constantly laughing at everyday things. You don't even have to try to make me laugh because in all natural cases I would probably be laughing by the third sentence or so into the conversation that is if the person happens to be friendly and kind to me. Alright well here are a few things I find myself laughing at.

1. My dad's jokes - My dad could whip up a joke from thin air and have me holding my stomach from laughter. I want to say that I laugh a whole lot than I should is because I have such a visual imagination that allows to surpass the intentions of the joke. Yet, I still enjoy his jokes even if some people may not understand his humor the way I do, I don't mind being the one laughing the hardest among the crowd even if my dad needs to explain himself sometimes. 
2. My best friend's stories - Hands down my best friend is one of the best storytellers, her choice of words and actions that she takes to explain her experiences actually makes you feel like you're there with her cringing alongside, laughing, or being embarrassed all depending on the central emotion these stories are based on. Also the most sarcastic and punniest person, the fact that I can distinguish when she is being sincere or serious I could tell which expressions she used. I feel like I know her so well to that I can guess what happens in her stories before she tells me which again activates that vivid imagination of mine.
3. Watching Wipe Out with commentary - I already know what you are going to say, that laughing at people's pain is not a laughing matter but this rule does not apply when you are watching Wipe Out. Just the fact that people sign themselves up to do these stupendous obstacle courses, you pretty much gave the viewers the right to laugh. Many nights on the i-Pad I would just watch it with my dad and laugh to the point where my mom on the other side of the room have told us to be quiet. No apologies there. 
4. My twin a month apart - Alright so I have this close friend who's birthday is June 5th and mine is July 5th so I consider us to be a month apart twins. Well I have met her my freshman year of high school through my best friend, and I felt like something clicked between us. Just one of those friendships that you can instantly trust and share personal information with because you already know they can handle it. My friend has been one of the most hilarious people I have met, her stories, her reactions, her phrases, just as a whole person she is brilliant and I am really glad to have been introduced to her. Now as high school graduates we are still friends sharing laughter and stories when we can. 

Honestly I am constantly laughing, whether my laughing is legitimate or I am nervous and decide to laugh away the distress, I am simply a giggly person. I laugh at the smallest things that people may overlook at and perhaps give me odd looks for laughing at air. Sometimes I laugh at my mom when she misinterprets my question and says something completely off topic. Or when people swear in front of me and think that I haven't heard such colorful words before. I laugh when people mistaken me for a little girl and hand me goodie bags because the joke is on them! Maybe I take some things lightly but I prefer to laugh than to hold back things that are bothering me. Laughing is the cheapest medicine, the best therapy to sadness, and a great exercise for those lungs and abdominal. 

What makes you laugh?

xx Chavelita

Day 27: Near death experience

Not too long ago in my 'Thirty facts about me' blogpost I had mentioned that I was allergic to walnuts and pecans, two nuts at the time that I didn't know that were related and would give me the same allergic reaction.

One day one of my closest friends had invited me over to make a cake, I do not recall at the moment what was the cake for but as we were baking this cake everything was going well. Mixing in the contents according to the instructions on the box and preheating the oven to avoid having to wait another ten minutes to heat up. Well my friend she has the characteristics of a wonderful hostess who likes to over her guests food and beverages. On the kitchen counter laid a bag of whole nuts that I was not completely familiar with and she offered some to try.  My friend told me that they were "Mexican nuts" so I thought, why not give these "Mexican nuts" a try. That should have been a red flag to begin with but nope that didn't stop me from risking my life. So I didn't just have one whole nut but I had two and to this day I keep asking myself why did I eat two when eating the first one I was already feeling uneasy? I am not sure if many of you have experienced an allergic reaction but before any physical changes begin to happen a strong pang of fear overcomes your body at the fact that you did eat something you were allergic too and you're not sure what will outcome be. Normally when I eat walnuts, I would only get puffy, itchy lips and a really irritated tongue no irritated skin or break into hives none of that happened. I thought, wow how lucky was I to not go into a severe shock after eating something that can potentially take my life away. Until I realized that those "Mexican nuts" were in fact pecans, my body was already breaking into sweats and the coughing had commenced. Now not only do I have to try to keep calm so that my friend does not freak out that she had fed me something I was allergic to but she had confirmation class that day in which she asked me to watch the cake as her mom took her to church. So imagine me, house sitting as I watched a cake rise from its liquid substance to a rather puffy texture, a mobile device that was nearly out of charge, and my allergic reaction getting worse by the minute. I remember telling myself deep breaths... You live just down the street, when you get home just take a Benadryl like you normally do and everything will be dandy.

Only not everything was dandy.

So many questions I had that day. Like how did my mom not realize I was having an allergic reaction? She notices EVERYTHING! Have a small cut on your finger? She will alarmingly start interrogating you as to how and when you got that cut. Why didn't I tell my mom? Okay at least I know the answer to this one, I was afraid of what she was going to say and do to me for not using my head this one time. Also just having the idea of being rushed into the emergency room terrifies me... Could I have died during the night? Yes I could of. My skin was red, swollen and itchy something that I have never seen before in my life. Breathing was becoming a struggle but I kept reminding myself that everything will be okay and if I were to freak out, that I was going to lose. Perhaps God pitied me that night, saw how much I regretted, how much I metaphorically soiled my pants from fear, yet still had hope that the allergic reaction will pass just like the other ones did, to have given me another chance to live. The next day I got chewed out by my mom when she found out about my miraculous night, also the fact that my eyes were swollen was no help. So no matter how much I tried to keep this night a secret, everything just ended up spilling out. Lesson learned, never keep an allergic reaction to yourself. Never eat foods that are mysterious unless you have the hospital on speed dial or an EpiPen in case something happens. I have learned to have my parents or a friend try out pastries for pecans or walnuts before I try myself. Overall, if you feel suspicious to eat something, then don't eat it, it's not worth the risk. If you can prevent an allergic reaction, then avoid them! Do not follow my foot steps on this one. Learn from my mistake.

Are there any foods you are allergic to?

xx Chavelita

PS. I did eventually tell my friend about what happened that night and she did freak out. I wouldn't blame her I would of done the same thing. She apologized immensely and even scolded myself for not telling her anything. Hopefully she is not holding herself against it still. Sometimes even the man of steel needs to ask for help, so when you do not feel well please tell someone.