Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Day 8: The struggle is real

As bubbly as I can be, I do hit those dark moments of struggle and although I try to limit those moments they still sneak up on me. No matter how hard you attempt to repress, push away, or ignore the problem they come out stronger than the first time you experienced them which is what I have learned the hard way. So before the problem worsens try to find a person you deeply trust and tell them, you will thank yourself later.

For quite some time I have struggled to display my emotions to other people. There has been several moments where I would just not allow people to see me broken and vulnerable because I did not want people to change their idea about me. I thought that crying in front of people was a sign of weakness and while I would cry I felt bad because I would think my problems were not even that bad compared to what other people are going through and have to live with on a daily basis. And boy was I terribly wrong... The moment my mom started crying when my grandmother had passed away, I had broken down as well but instead of running to go hug her I had ran away to go cry on my own by the stairs in front of my house. The moment when my teacher announced that she was leaving back to her hometown I also left to cry in a restroom stall for a good solid five minutes. The worst one yet was the day when my dad was deployed and I actually cried multiple times during the day but I don't think anyone noticed because I did not allow myself to be seen. I have come to a point where I just felt like I was numb emotionally, I would wake up gaze around, get ready for school and linger in the hallways just to get through the day where I can go home and get into bed. Not that I didn't care about others and what was going around me, but I was really disconnected with my surroundings. I would sometimes think that I had depression but since I didn't actually see a doctor I wasn't evaluated. I really needed help and wanted help but I wasn't sure where to begin. All those times where I spent alone feeling horrible and miserable even scared that someone was going to catch me slipping away, I still wished that someone found me, scooped me up, and just held me. I don't even think it was because of the fact that people were leaving and life was changing rather quickly for me that I didn't know how to deal with it but more so it was a collection of unresolved stress, negativity, and excessive thinking that consumed myself and I do not feel proud for this former part of me. You should never let anything consume you to the point where you do not feel anything.

I remember when my dad was cleaning the garage and packing his things to prepare for his deployment I pretty much let go of everything I was holding on to. Took all the courage I had to tell my dad what was going on with me or at least tried to explain what I was feeling. There was this relief that now instead of carrying everything that I had, I had someone helping me carry my heavy baggage. It's not easy climbing out of the cracks as one continues to fall deeper and deeper into their own misery, but when you have company things begin to lighten up.

So what have I learned? That it is okay to feel sad, IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD. We are human and we are no where near perfect so of course when events come out of the blue don't be ashamed if you find yourself crying or freaking out. Life did not come with instructions so don't feel like you need to know everything that is going on with your life. Everyone on this planet is winging life this very moment. Your problems do matter, never underestimate your problems and never place your problems on a scale because even if you win the prize is not something you would to be proud of having on display. Do seek help if you cannot find a solution. Please know that someone does care and love you for who you are so don't feel the need to protect them from yourself. Remember that they picked and stayed with you for a reason. I actually treasure most when people can be completely honest with me through the tears, the swearing, and screaming, do what it takes to get those ideas out of your head. Just make sure that you do not mistreat the person that is listening to you because for the most part it's not their fault.

What is a struggle that you overcame?

xx Chavelita

No comments:

Post a Comment