Day 12: A tea for my friends

Sunday morning. The sun peaks a little hello through the curtains and the smell of coffee brings the room to a gentle wake. Clock blinks eight thirty two and with one last stretch she gets out of bed. Blotches of mascara residue is left under her eyes making potent of her dark circles but her light hazel eyes tells another story. Loose locks of leftover curls framed her face and with that being said she wanders around her two roomed apartment. Colors of white, green, and gray flourished the apartment from head to toe with a little stain of red found on the washed out wooden floors. Only to remember that the friends she had were just something from her past. Painted white, she takes a seat and ponders. Tea. A cup of pipping hot tea is what she needed. Making tea was a specialty used in circumstances that were inexplicable even to the human mind. Such warm liquid to cure the cold of a broken heart. Accidentally making tea for two, she pours the remainder of the tea into a mug and stores the mug in the back of the cupboard. What cannot be seen should not be spoken about and what cannot be spoken about should not be seen. She keeps her friends to herself and she did not need someone or something to define her qualities. A sip of tea is the only satisfaction she needed and she had all the power within her small fingertips, at least right at that moment she does. Mint, honey, and a splash of happy juice, any tea could be her friend, anyone's friend really. How much more wonderful could life possibly get? To the last drop. Life should be appreciated to the last drop.

Felt like doing a freewrite today. May do more in the future because they're pretty fun to write!

xx Chavelita 

Day 10: Future psychologist

Throughout the time I was in high school in the back of my mind I already had the idea of becoming a psychologist. Maybe even younger I wanted to become a psychologist I just didn't know that there was an actual profession to what I wanted to do. Now what specialty I wanted to be in the psychology field that I spent quite some time considering which one best fit me but I had this feeling that I was meant to be a psychologist. In my nature I wanted to help people in someway and what I have learned that simply using my words I was able to gain the trust of people and assist them without making them feel pressured or uncomfortable to tell me. Do not get me wrong if I had a choice to speak or not, I wouldn't be talking. Yet with psychology it gives me a reason to speak even more so to talk and express new ideas that may be beneficial for others. Talking to people may seem like a job that anybody can do but you have to be careful with your word choice. You have to be tactful, considerate, and be as unbiased as you can with your patience to be able to get the most genuine information that you can. This is probably why I had plenty of people tell me that being a psychologist is a job everyone wants to do that is easy or when people are not sure what they want to do as career. So in other words, I was getting this idea that being a psychologist was kind of like this place holder to buy more time to figure out the desired career. Yet, psychology is my desired career... I do not see myself doing anything else other than making a profession in psychology, a clinical psychologist to be more specific. To work along side a psychiatrist and learn more about mental disorders, even if I may spend the rest of my life researching new information and discovering new topics of human behavior through studies, that I wouldn't mind doing. Learning about the human behavior and the mind is intriguing and since psychology is probably one of the youngest sciences to be learning from, then that still opens up to the endless amount of knowledge that we may not know yet.

With my fear of blood and my lack of not thinking on the spot, being a doctor or a nurse was already out of the question. Coming from a family of nurses, I appreciate my mom's and my uncles' career as a nurse and I understand that it takes patience and strength but that was just not my calling. On the other hand I had a uncle on my dad's side that suggested that I should become a psychiatrist, learn medicine and treat people who is struggling through that form. Though my plan did not include medicine and I understand that I will learn that different medicines to use and the recommended dosages but I do not see myself writing prescriptions to medicines that I may not even believe in. I wouldn't be able to live with myself to be paid a bit more to promote medicine from companies for medicine that completely changes the individual. Medicine may work in some cases, do not get me wrong, but I still see medicine as a last resort in treating people. I am pretty sure there are plenty of alternatives to treat mental disorders, we just haven't discovered it yet. 

What is your dream career?

xx Chavelita

Day 8: The struggle is real

As bubbly as I can be, I do hit those dark moments of struggle and although I try to limit those moments they still sneak up on me. No matter how hard you attempt to repress, push away, or ignore the problem they come out stronger than the first time you experienced them which is what I have learned the hard way. So before the problem worsens try to find a person you deeply trust and tell them, you will thank yourself later.

For quite some time I have struggled to display my emotions to other people. There has been several moments where I would just not allow people to see me broken and vulnerable because I did not want people to change their idea about me. I thought that crying in front of people was a sign of weakness and while I would cry I felt bad because I would think my problems were not even that bad compared to what other people are going through and have to live with on a daily basis. And boy was I terribly wrong... The moment my mom started crying when my grandmother had passed away, I had broken down as well but instead of running to go hug her I had ran away to go cry on my own by the stairs in front of my house. The moment when my teacher announced that she was leaving back to her hometown I also left to cry in a restroom stall for a good solid five minutes. The worst one yet was the day when my dad was deployed and I actually cried multiple times during the day but I don't think anyone noticed because I did not allow myself to be seen. I have come to a point where I just felt like I was numb emotionally, I would wake up gaze around, get ready for school and linger in the hallways just to get through the day where I can go home and get into bed. Not that I didn't care about others and what was going around me, but I was really disconnected with my surroundings. I would sometimes think that I had depression but since I didn't actually see a doctor I wasn't evaluated. I really needed help and wanted help but I wasn't sure where to begin. All those times where I spent alone feeling horrible and miserable even scared that someone was going to catch me slipping away, I still wished that someone found me, scooped me up, and just held me. I don't even think it was because of the fact that people were leaving and life was changing rather quickly for me that I didn't know how to deal with it but more so it was a collection of unresolved stress, negativity, and excessive thinking that consumed myself and I do not feel proud for this former part of me. You should never let anything consume you to the point where you do not feel anything.

I remember when my dad was cleaning the garage and packing his things to prepare for his deployment I pretty much let go of everything I was holding on to. Took all the courage I had to tell my dad what was going on with me or at least tried to explain what I was feeling. There was this relief that now instead of carrying everything that I had, I had someone helping me carry my heavy baggage. It's not easy climbing out of the cracks as one continues to fall deeper and deeper into their own misery, but when you have company things begin to lighten up.

So what have I learned? That it is okay to feel sad, IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD. We are human and we are no where near perfect so of course when events come out of the blue don't be ashamed if you find yourself crying or freaking out. Life did not come with instructions so don't feel like you need to know everything that is going on with your life. Everyone on this planet is winging life this very moment. Your problems do matter, never underestimate your problems and never place your problems on a scale because even if you win the prize is not something you would to be proud of having on display. Do seek help if you cannot find a solution. Please know that someone does care and love you for who you are so don't feel the need to protect them from yourself. Remember that they picked and stayed with you for a reason. I actually treasure most when people can be completely honest with me through the tears, the swearing, and screaming, do what it takes to get those ideas out of your head. Just make sure that you do not mistreat the person that is listening to you because for the most part it's not their fault.

What is a struggle that you overcame?

xx Chavelita