Day 31: Questioning

For a while now I have been wanting to write this not just for myself but for my readers out there that are also questioning and figuring out who they are when it comes to sexuality. Now this isn't a coming out post because I feel strongly that I do like men, but I had come to a point in my life where I felt unsure. Like yeah I found some girls to be attractive but I couldn't see myself spending my life with a woman or to a raise a family with her if that is the case. On the other hand though I wasn't finding guys to be attractive either so I was kind of just stuck in between as to who or what did I actually like. I went through this stage that maybe I was just asexual and just wasn't fit for a relationship since I have never had that feeling of what it was like to be in one. I had started watching strong celebrity figures who had stated confidently about their sexuality such as Ellen Degeneres, Laverne Cox, Caitlyn Jenner, Ellen Page, Jane Lynch, and a few more on YouTube celebrities and I couldn't stop feeling so happy for them for figuring out that missing part of their lives. One of the videos that immediately struck a chord in my heart was from a YouTuber, Ingrid Nilsen. She is a beauty/lifestyle YouTuber that gives her viewers tips and inspiration on how to do certain makeup looks, putting your hair up a certain way, or sometimes just even talks casually all with a smile and making jokes on camera. The first time I started watching her videos I was upset about my petite size, but she is also petite and she was rocking with what she got. Having been subscribed to her channel for a few years, she posts her coming out video this year which definitely took me by surprise. I am not even sure that no one at first believed what was happening because Ingrid was always this chirpy, bubbly person that I wouldn't even guessed how much she was struggling to just come out to the public. When she started crying from happiness to be able say that she was gay, I kind of wanted to cry myself there was just so much emotion in that video that left me speechless at the end.

To stand true for themselves in all the hardships they had to overcome to realize that deep within themselves they knew who they were they were just unsure how to explain themselves to other people without having the fear of rejection. I already feel like it's tough enough as it is to be a sexuality that isn't heterosexuality because as a society we are still trying to get the full concept that the attraction, the desire, the love should only be solely based on female and male. Though what some are forgetting is that those are medical terms to distinguish whether you were born with a vagina or a penis but not all the time will these medical terms fit into the definition that you have set for yourself. No one is going to know you more, than you yourself. So if you have a vagina and feel attracted to ladies, then that's great or to a guy that is also great. Have a penis but like guys? Perfectly fine to me. Or attracted to ladies, that is also great. Transgender? I am still fine. Asexual? Totally respect your decision. Queer and more? Have my 100 percent approval. If you feel incredibly proud and happy for who you are then that is enough, you don't have to prove to other people unless you want to but that shouldn't be necessary. I am still going to love you.

Looking at coming out videos, this has taught me a very important lesson that society has already placed these stereotypes on the LGBTQ+ community that are already being implemented that people under this community behave a certain way but that is not how the way the community works. I think that is why when Ingrid came out I couldn't believe it because she didn't follow any of these set stereotypes which is a perfect example that everyone is a person living on this Earth. I feel horrible for this realization, for having a fraction of myself corrupted by society, but that is why I am constantly educating myself to learn more about the things that I am not being told. Coming back to the LGBTQ+ community, the people came first than the community, society just places another label on something they don't necessarily understand at the moment. From birth everyone is considered to be a human baby and depending how they grew up is how they behaved. What I am trying to say is that everyone is a human with a mind of their ideas and a body to carry themselves around. When I was younger and I know many of you can relate, we didn't see the person for their sexuality because that was not the first thing that come up in our minds. Perhaps for the majority, it's because we didn't know the difference between sexuality and gender. We saw people for the first time based on gender and not on sexuality, and for the most part if the person didn't say they were anything but heterosexuality, then we just assumed that they were heterosexual because for the longest time we are already placed with the idea that this ideal family consists of a mother and father then the children. I can't recall when was the first time I experienced same sex love but I didn't find it to be weird. Of course I was surprised but only because no one told me that was a possibility and I feel that is what we are doing wrong. People like to build bubbles around themselves away from things that they don't approve but forget that not everyone believes in the same things. So when parents block homosexuality from their homes, I feel that the child is not living a very truthful life. There is this giant elephant in the room and people do not want to talk about this matter. I know I can't force people to talk about things they don't want to discuss but at least tell your children that this does exist, that this is not some sort of monstrosity, life happens to everyone in different ways. As we live under the same sky, I feel that is enough to give people equal amount of chances.

I know I will never be able to empathize but I do support same sex marriage and the fact that everyone has the right to love who they want to love and live a fulfilled life.

Have you ever questioned your sexuality?

xx Chavelita

Recalculating

There are just moments in life where you seem that you have everything together, you find yourself content with the life you've decided to take, and you sense that nothing can go wrong. As swift and easy, negativity comes rushing through you like the plague and steals away all the confidence that took you so long to build up. Now let me tell you that is probably one of the worst feelings to experience because it's not a outside source that is causing the problem (though it could be a factor) but you also play the role as the predator of your own thoughts with what you see. Interpretation and perspective can be deadly when they're put together. There is no avoiding it, there will be people, posts, books, music, pretty much anything that can inspire and or dissuade you from the person you want to become. Sometimes it is not even your fault because I believe that people change for their own benefit and depending on what it is (though that may not always be the case), that is up to you to decide to keep that person in your life or continue without them. Let me ask you, do you love yourself? Do you love the life you molded yourself into? If you answered yes for both questions then there is nothing wrong with you and if you want to enrich your life I think you should do it. Do not forget about the people who helped you get to where you are and the experiences you have gone through because they are the reason for the path you've chosen. If you answered no for one or both questions, what is it that you want in life? What are some things you can fix that can get you back onto the right path? Do not be afraid to ask for help, but also be careful who you ask for help. The changes you make does not always have to be anything major because even the little changes make a large impact. I will not lie, it's confusing because I do not have an exact answer to give you to overcome this because everyone has different methods of coping but if you're starting to become unhappy then maybe you're going the wrong way. Retract your steps if you have to and hopefully it will newly enlighten the light inside of you. Remember just like Jessie J said, "It's okay not to be okay" but it's not okay to sit there and do nothing about it either.

xx Chavelita 

"But I was sure they were the one!"

Relationships can be a bit messy, brain wrecking, awkward, tricky and if you're like me then scary, especially if they're your first one. I was pretty oblivious when I met him because he would simply talk to me and ask me how my day was everyday. Ok... So maybe I was terrible at taking hints but I thought he was simply being nice to me until he sent me a seven page message late at night stating that he did have feelings for me. The point is that when you're thinking about a relationship don't do it because you're simply lonely and looking for someone to fill up that gap in your life because that is not what they are for. A relationship should begin when you love yourself and when you're mentally and emotionally ready for one. You don't want to give anyone half hearted emotions because you wouldn't want the same in return. Be considerate of their emotions and if the relationship doesn't work out then you go and try again with someone new. Take the time you need to get over the break up but don't throw in the towel just yet. Another thing about relationships is learning about yourself, learning from the mistakes that were committed, and learning what it is that you would want to look for in the next person you would want to date. Please do not commit the same mistake as I did by never giving the person you like a chance (we were always each other's crush but we never went further than that) your window of opportunity will close and you'll be wondering what would of happened if you guys did go out. And in my opinion be cautious with your crush because at any moment they can find someone else and crush you (hence the crush) and sometimes giving people second chances will only make matters worse. I have done that and it took me another pair of months to get over him again. DONT SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE. Because you did not work out with someone it does not mean you should try again with the same person who hurt you and hope for the same results of finding the lost love because it will simply destroy the self image you produced for yourself and the confidence you have tried too hard to accumulate when you were getting over them. If you do not have a crush it's perfectly fine, take the time to focus on yourself, try new things, meet new people, do not have the mentality that you will not find anyone because then it will make it difficult to find someone. Relax, gather your thoughts together and love will find a way through everyone in different forms. 

What have you learned from past relationships or crushes? 

xx Chavelita