Day 31: Questioning

For a while now I have been wanting to write this not just for myself but for my readers out there that are also questioning and figuring out who they are when it comes to sexuality. Now this isn't a coming out post because I feel strongly that I do like men, but I had come to a point in my life where I felt unsure. Like yeah I found some girls to be attractive but I couldn't see myself spending my life with a woman or to a raise a family with her if that is the case. On the other hand though I wasn't finding guys to be attractive either so I was kind of just stuck in between as to who or what did I actually like. I went through this stage that maybe I was just asexual and just wasn't fit for a relationship since I have never had that feeling of what it was like to be in one. I had started watching strong celebrity figures who had stated confidently about their sexuality such as Ellen Degeneres, Laverne Cox, Caitlyn Jenner, Ellen Page, Jane Lynch, and a few more on YouTube celebrities and I couldn't stop feeling so happy for them for figuring out that missing part of their lives. One of the videos that immediately struck a chord in my heart was from a YouTuber, Ingrid Nilsen. She is a beauty/lifestyle YouTuber that gives her viewers tips and inspiration on how to do certain makeup looks, putting your hair up a certain way, or sometimes just even talks casually all with a smile and making jokes on camera. The first time I started watching her videos I was upset about my petite size, but she is also petite and she was rocking with what she got. Having been subscribed to her channel for a few years, she posts her coming out video this year which definitely took me by surprise. I am not even sure that no one at first believed what was happening because Ingrid was always this chirpy, bubbly person that I wouldn't even guessed how much she was struggling to just come out to the public. When she started crying from happiness to be able say that she was gay, I kind of wanted to cry myself there was just so much emotion in that video that left me speechless at the end.

To stand true for themselves in all the hardships they had to overcome to realize that deep within themselves they knew who they were they were just unsure how to explain themselves to other people without having the fear of rejection. I already feel like it's tough enough as it is to be a sexuality that isn't heterosexuality because as a society we are still trying to get the full concept that the attraction, the desire, the love should only be solely based on female and male. Though what some are forgetting is that those are medical terms to distinguish whether you were born with a vagina or a penis but not all the time will these medical terms fit into the definition that you have set for yourself. No one is going to know you more, than you yourself. So if you have a vagina and feel attracted to ladies, then that's great or to a guy that is also great. Have a penis but like guys? Perfectly fine to me. Or attracted to ladies, that is also great. Transgender? I am still fine. Asexual? Totally respect your decision. Queer and more? Have my 100 percent approval. If you feel incredibly proud and happy for who you are then that is enough, you don't have to prove to other people unless you want to but that shouldn't be necessary. I am still going to love you.

Looking at coming out videos, this has taught me a very important lesson that society has already placed these stereotypes on the LGBTQ+ community that are already being implemented that people under this community behave a certain way but that is not how the way the community works. I think that is why when Ingrid came out I couldn't believe it because she didn't follow any of these set stereotypes which is a perfect example that everyone is a person living on this Earth. I feel horrible for this realization, for having a fraction of myself corrupted by society, but that is why I am constantly educating myself to learn more about the things that I am not being told. Coming back to the LGBTQ+ community, the people came first than the community, society just places another label on something they don't necessarily understand at the moment. From birth everyone is considered to be a human baby and depending how they grew up is how they behaved. What I am trying to say is that everyone is a human with a mind of their ideas and a body to carry themselves around. When I was younger and I know many of you can relate, we didn't see the person for their sexuality because that was not the first thing that come up in our minds. Perhaps for the majority, it's because we didn't know the difference between sexuality and gender. We saw people for the first time based on gender and not on sexuality, and for the most part if the person didn't say they were anything but heterosexuality, then we just assumed that they were heterosexual because for the longest time we are already placed with the idea that this ideal family consists of a mother and father then the children. I can't recall when was the first time I experienced same sex love but I didn't find it to be weird. Of course I was surprised but only because no one told me that was a possibility and I feel that is what we are doing wrong. People like to build bubbles around themselves away from things that they don't approve but forget that not everyone believes in the same things. So when parents block homosexuality from their homes, I feel that the child is not living a very truthful life. There is this giant elephant in the room and people do not want to talk about this matter. I know I can't force people to talk about things they don't want to discuss but at least tell your children that this does exist, that this is not some sort of monstrosity, life happens to everyone in different ways. As we live under the same sky, I feel that is enough to give people equal amount of chances.

I know I will never be able to empathize but I do support same sex marriage and the fact that everyone has the right to love who they want to love and live a fulfilled life.

Have you ever questioned your sexuality?

xx Chavelita

Day 30: Remember to open your eyes

There is always the time between eleven p.m. and one a.m. that my creative juices tend to flow out or more like my brain is just too tired to keep itself within its boundaries that my mind wanders off. Not all nights this happens but yesterday was one of those nights where I felt tired but I was not quite ready to fall asleep yet. Scrolling through social media I find a picture of my friend's drawing that instantly sparked ideas of things that I wanted to draw but I was not quite sure what yet but somehow I came up with the quote, "Remember to keep your eyes open" and started to draw the first thing that came into mind. One of the most valued features while I draw are eyes, which is why for the most part when you see any of my drawings their eyes are bigger or more centered attention than the rest of the drawing. Not because I enjoy drawing the eyes more than anything else, but eyes can be drawn in so many different ways and can shape the expression of the drawing. Big opened eyes can preview vulnerability and innocence while small eyes could express confusion or anger. Eyes allow to speak for itself and it's brilliant to say that eyes could tell so much more with just a glance.

When I was thinking about "Remember to keep your eyes open", I found it to be a reminder for myself to seek the possibilities out there and stop being afraid to take risks that may have a chance to change my life for the better. I also need to start giving other people chances who actually want to get to know me instead of being dryly sarcastic and disconnected. When I was younger, hugging and showing affection to people was like a piece of cake. I didn't think about how the other person will react, I simply went for that touch that everyone seeks and held it for as long as I could. Now that I am older, I find this action to be difficult and frustrating. I do want to hug people and show that I sincerely care, to kiss their cheek without feeling incredibly out of bounds. I do not want to miss anymore moments and instead I want to record all of these moments. Be more open to people and tone down a bit of the sarcasm, kind of settle my feet on the ground, and take in whatever it is that is going on at the moment.

You have the ability to change at any given day, at any given time. Do not feel like you have to stay the same person because people are used to the way you are. As many as people get accustomed to who you are, then it is possible for them to get used to the new you as well. So long as you changed to better yourself, then I don't find anything wrong in that. Throughout your early teenager years you're going to find yourself in loads of scenarios that test to see who you are and it's okay if you are not sure. All of these years you have to experiment as to what person you want to be, exactly. Depending on who you are brings in people that share similar qualities, so I don't find it surprising anymore when you find yourself speaking to new people and at other times speaking to a handful of people who remained by your side. Remember to open your eyes and try not to miss out on the good stuff in life. Seek out what you want to accomplish, follow your own path if you have to, look around you are not the only one trying to figure out what on Earth is going to happen next.

What was the last thing you saw that left you breathless?

xx Chavelita

Day 29: Goals for the next month

Most of my goals for August is pretty much college related because that is the month I start my first year of college! Pretty pumped, pretty frightened, but I am still looking forward to what the month of August has to offer for me. Turn a new page, start fresh, meet new people, cultures, finding out more about myself without the influence of people I have grown close to.

1. Settle in college smoothly - I can already feel move in weekend for me to be a whole load of stress on me so hopefully that everything moves rather easily without little to no complications. At least if things do go rather sleek, I will probably spend less time freaking out that I cannot turn back now or not have my parents around me when I feel uncomfortable.
2. Be able to see my friends one last time before we all split into different paths - This is a must because I know that if I go to college without seeing my close friends for the last time, I would simply be sad and have a lack of closure that will be bugging me. 
3. Get back into study mode - The time to put away the Netflix, and settle down to focus on my studies. Only this time I'll try to not let my studies completely consume me and try to get involved within my campus.
4. Try to post on my blog at least once a week - I am not sure I can promise this because I am not sure myself how much free time I will end up having. At least I know on Tuesday's I only have one class so maybe Tuesday's? Maybe it can work out, I can do my laundry and write to you guys. No promises though, I'll try to post whenever I can!
5. Make new friends in college and find an eating buddy - The sooner I make friends the easier the transition into college will be so if I at least make one new friend I will feel fine. Of course, I hope to find someone I can spend eating my meals with and get to know more in depth. I already had enough of eating alone in high school.
6. Celebrating my mom's 50th birthday - Not everyday someone turns half a century, and I want my mom's birthday to be special so crossing my fingers that I am able to make this happen. 
7. Take my dad to eat I-HOP - A promise is a promise, so I cannot wait until we have our own little pancake date before I head to college. 

What are your goals for next month?

xx Chavelita

Day 28: Things that make me LOL

This topic is quite difficult to pinpoint what exactly makes me laugh because I am constantly laughing at everyday things. You don't even have to try to make me laugh because in all natural cases I would probably be laughing by the third sentence or so into the conversation that is if the person happens to be friendly and kind to me. Alright well here are a few things I find myself laughing at.

1. My dad's jokes - My dad could whip up a joke from thin air and have me holding my stomach from laughter. I want to say that I laugh a whole lot than I should is because I have such a visual imagination that allows to surpass the intentions of the joke. Yet, I still enjoy his jokes even if some people may not understand his humor the way I do, I don't mind being the one laughing the hardest among the crowd even if my dad needs to explain himself sometimes. 
2. My best friend's stories - Hands down my best friend is one of the best storytellers, her choice of words and actions that she takes to explain her experiences actually makes you feel like you're there with her cringing alongside, laughing, or being embarrassed all depending on the central emotion these stories are based on. Also the most sarcastic and punniest person, the fact that I can distinguish when she is being sincere or serious I could tell which expressions she used. I feel like I know her so well to that I can guess what happens in her stories before she tells me which again activates that vivid imagination of mine.
3. Watching Wipe Out with commentary - I already know what you are going to say, that laughing at people's pain is not a laughing matter but this rule does not apply when you are watching Wipe Out. Just the fact that people sign themselves up to do these stupendous obstacle courses, you pretty much gave the viewers the right to laugh. Many nights on the i-Pad I would just watch it with my dad and laugh to the point where my mom on the other side of the room have told us to be quiet. No apologies there. 
4. My twin a month apart - Alright so I have this close friend who's birthday is June 5th and mine is July 5th so I consider us to be a month apart twins. Well I have met her my freshman year of high school through my best friend, and I felt like something clicked between us. Just one of those friendships that you can instantly trust and share personal information with because you already know they can handle it. My friend has been one of the most hilarious people I have met, her stories, her reactions, her phrases, just as a whole person she is brilliant and I am really glad to have been introduced to her. Now as high school graduates we are still friends sharing laughter and stories when we can. 

Honestly I am constantly laughing, whether my laughing is legitimate or I am nervous and decide to laugh away the distress, I am simply a giggly person. I laugh at the smallest things that people may overlook at and perhaps give me odd looks for laughing at air. Sometimes I laugh at my mom when she misinterprets my question and says something completely off topic. Or when people swear in front of me and think that I haven't heard such colorful words before. I laugh when people mistaken me for a little girl and hand me goodie bags because the joke is on them! Maybe I take some things lightly but I prefer to laugh than to hold back things that are bothering me. Laughing is the cheapest medicine, the best therapy to sadness, and a great exercise for those lungs and abdominal. 

What makes you laugh?

xx Chavelita

Day 27: Near death experience

Not too long ago in my 'Thirty facts about me' blogpost I had mentioned that I was allergic to walnuts and pecans, two nuts at the time that I didn't know that were related and would give me the same allergic reaction.

One day one of my closest friends had invited me over to make a cake, I do not recall at the moment what was the cake for but as we were baking this cake everything was going well. Mixing in the contents according to the instructions on the box and preheating the oven to avoid having to wait another ten minutes to heat up. Well my friend she has the characteristics of a wonderful hostess who likes to over her guests food and beverages. On the kitchen counter laid a bag of whole nuts that I was not completely familiar with and she offered some to try.  My friend told me that they were "Mexican nuts" so I thought, why not give these "Mexican nuts" a try. That should have been a red flag to begin with but nope that didn't stop me from risking my life. So I didn't just have one whole nut but I had two and to this day I keep asking myself why did I eat two when eating the first one I was already feeling uneasy? I am not sure if many of you have experienced an allergic reaction but before any physical changes begin to happen a strong pang of fear overcomes your body at the fact that you did eat something you were allergic too and you're not sure what will outcome be. Normally when I eat walnuts, I would only get puffy, itchy lips and a really irritated tongue no irritated skin or break into hives none of that happened. I thought, wow how lucky was I to not go into a severe shock after eating something that can potentially take my life away. Until I realized that those "Mexican nuts" were in fact pecans, my body was already breaking into sweats and the coughing had commenced. Now not only do I have to try to keep calm so that my friend does not freak out that she had fed me something I was allergic to but she had confirmation class that day in which she asked me to watch the cake as her mom took her to church. So imagine me, house sitting as I watched a cake rise from its liquid substance to a rather puffy texture, a mobile device that was nearly out of charge, and my allergic reaction getting worse by the minute. I remember telling myself deep breaths... You live just down the street, when you get home just take a Benadryl like you normally do and everything will be dandy.

Only not everything was dandy.

So many questions I had that day. Like how did my mom not realize I was having an allergic reaction? She notices EVERYTHING! Have a small cut on your finger? She will alarmingly start interrogating you as to how and when you got that cut. Why didn't I tell my mom? Okay at least I know the answer to this one, I was afraid of what she was going to say and do to me for not using my head this one time. Also just having the idea of being rushed into the emergency room terrifies me... Could I have died during the night? Yes I could of. My skin was red, swollen and itchy something that I have never seen before in my life. Breathing was becoming a struggle but I kept reminding myself that everything will be okay and if I were to freak out, that I was going to lose. Perhaps God pitied me that night, saw how much I regretted, how much I metaphorically soiled my pants from fear, yet still had hope that the allergic reaction will pass just like the other ones did, to have given me another chance to live. The next day I got chewed out by my mom when she found out about my miraculous night, also the fact that my eyes were swollen was no help. So no matter how much I tried to keep this night a secret, everything just ended up spilling out. Lesson learned, never keep an allergic reaction to yourself. Never eat foods that are mysterious unless you have the hospital on speed dial or an EpiPen in case something happens. I have learned to have my parents or a friend try out pastries for pecans or walnuts before I try myself. Overall, if you feel suspicious to eat something, then don't eat it, it's not worth the risk. If you can prevent an allergic reaction, then avoid them! Do not follow my foot steps on this one. Learn from my mistake.

Are there any foods you are allergic to?

xx Chavelita

PS. I did eventually tell my friend about what happened that night and she did freak out. I wouldn't blame her I would of done the same thing. She apologized immensely and even scolded myself for not telling her anything. Hopefully she is not holding herself against it still. Sometimes even the man of steel needs to ask for help, so when you do not feel well please tell someone.

Day 26: Battling with shyness

Probably one of the things that I find myself struggling with the most is to be the first one to make the move. To make friends. To say hello. To sit among a group of people that I have never seen before. To just make the first contact with other people instead of waiting for the other person to do so and missing out on so many opportunities for waiting too long when I could of been making memories... If only I opened my mouth to say something. When you are younger yeah so being shy was cute but when you get older being shy becomes such a hassle to deal with. Then the thing that frustrates me the most is that people have told me to stop being shy and some may relate but being shy is just not something you can overnight grow out of. Shyness becomes a part of your personality, a part of you that no matter how much you try to wash it off, it still remains there laughing at how much effort you put to change your shyness to be left on the same page. I feel so trapped in my own shyness that in my head I am battling to say something so simple like, "do you need help?" or "what did you think about that movie?". Sometimes I win and I get warm cheeks for calling such attention to myself but I pat myself on the back later that day. Then when I don't, well then I have lost and I can't help but be hard on myself about my shyness.

I'll be starting college in the fall, and that is one of the things that I want to improve in myself. To take on more opportunities and layer by layer start to remove the shyness that consumes me. This is the time where I should not be afraid to speak or share my thoughts with other people. I would be sabotaging myself out of this college experience. I want to be that person who sees someone eating by themselves and casually sits down and introduces myself. I want to be that person who can shout, "HI MY NAME IS ISABEL AND WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS!" in the middle of my dorm hall. I want to be known as Isabel, and not just the shy girl who keeps to herself because that is not what I want. I want to be able to meet a guy as well and not be shy to make eye contact, I do not want them to get the idea that I am not interested. I think that is what most guys I tend to fall for think and I want and need to change that because I no longer want to have to deal with the what ifs.

So yeah, I want to improve my shyness and give people that same effect I give to you guys, my readers. Where I am completely honest and upfront with you without hiding who I am. To be comfortable to speak, crack some jokes, mix some sarcasm where it's appropriate, and still feel like a person you want to go to if anything out of the blue comes up. What I am thinking right at this moment is what I actually write on here, a more censored self, but it's still me in all glory and whatnot. I leave my book open on here so I can maximize my chances of connecting with you guys. I've always wanted to be that person who can walk around and have friends all over the place but still have my knitted group to fall back on. For those of you who are also shy and battling the same battle that I am, I really hope you start removing that layer of shyness because I know there is so much more to you that the shyness is not allowing you to demonstrate. I really cannot give you advice on how to not be shy because I believe that is not possible but you can always start by saying hello and to give one of those grand smiles. Lets not allow shyness to get in the way, okay?

Part of me is quite scared of removing the layers to new people around me but if I can do that online, then that should be more of a reason for me to do the same thing outside of cyberspace.

What is something you want to improve in yourself?

xx Chavelita

Day 25: To college graduate Isabel

Dear college graduate Isabel,

Reading this you are probably thinking I had too much time on my hands to be writing a letter to myself and then posting out on my blog for everyone to see. Yet I know you are secretly thanking yourself that you did because now you have something to look back and measure how much you have strove throughout the years. Either way I am giving you props for sticking it out to whatever it is that you decided to major in college with you decided to stick primarily to clinical psychology or branched out to the medical field in psychiatry. Then I bet you are also laughing at all the small things that I right now is freaking out like, who am I going to eat lunch with at college? Will I ever be comfortable enough to play my music out loud or sing in the communal showers? To be able to achieve that full college experience that I have been constantly been told about?

In the past you must of had a lot of pressure to carry with you, making your parents and carrying on the family name. The constant reminder of how many people wished you the best in college and already knew that you were to do just fine when in reality that would just make you freak out even more. You weren't looking for an audience to cheer you on, you wanted a group of people who you can fall apart to whenever you needed to. I already know you didn't need anyone to be used as your competition because ever since you were little you would already compete with yourself to see if you can be the best person you have ever been. You were tough on yourself before anyone could tell you twice what to do. Always a step ahead than what others may see you as and even through the struggle you find your methods of pushing forward. Late phone calls to mom and dad. A FaceTime every once in a while with your best friend just so you could hear her voice as she plants puns and stories on you. Crying whenever you would feel homesick or stressed. You surprise yourself in everything you do, and I hope you continue to see that in yourself as you continue on with your desired profession. The world is not an easy place as I imagine it to be right now, but just know that you did it and you were able to prove yourself and the world that you are ready to take the wheel.

Now just know thought that after graduating from college this is just another step you have to take in order to be under the career of your choice. So all those friendships you have made among your peers and with your professors are indeed your ticket into entering the real world because they will be the ones who boast about you and push you to get to where you want to be. So remember when you felt out of place that you were friends with your teachers in high school but then you learned that there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting to know your teachers more in depth? In fact that is one of the best decisions that you have made? Well that is the same thing the professors are there for, to support you, recommend you to certain institutions in hopes that they will accept you to work for them, have an ear out for you. Yeah teachers and professors may be a little different, but they are educators and for the most part would want the best for you. But knowing you, you would have already became friends with incredible people and have been moved with certain professors.

Just promise me that you will not give up? That you take life seriously but also be spontaneous to remind yourself of your teenage years of being carefree? To give those you decided to date a fair chance and when you do find the one, that you hold on tight with him? Smile often, don't hold yourself back, and never forget to call your parents. When you find yourself saying that life is not fair, do not get discouraged to continue because I know as soon as you land that job you are going to feel a million times better. You are so bright, you shine wherever you go!

xx Chavelita

PS. You better have studied abroad and had taken some wicked pictures to show to your future kids and family!