The storage tree

Lately I have felt this heavy, not necessarily physically but like this weight of emotions on top of me that has kind of been suffocating for a while. It was not until yesterday when I spoke with my Dad did I realize that there was something that I had to change about myself. For that reason I want to share a story that he told me during our talk.

There was once a gardener and a carpenter. The gardener came to work and first he wanted to cut down some trees to make room for his garden but the machine just wouldn't turn on for him. Moments later he attempted to do another task in the garden but it started to rain that interrupted him again from completing his task. It was bad thing after bad thing, and when it was time to go home his car would not turn on so he asked the carpenter if he could take him home. The carpenter said yes because he had noticed the gardener going through his hardships. As they arrived home to the gardener's house, before the gardener went inside the house he encounters this tree on the side of his house. He touched the tree and once when he was done he invited the carpenter into his house for a cup of coffee. Drinking his coffee he begins to see the gardener playing and laughing with his children as if nothing were to happen. Which the carpenter found strange because didn't he experience a troubling day at work? When the carpenter was about to leave, the gardener escorted him out but before the carpenter could leave he had to ask him what did he do to the tree that made him lose all this anger. The gardener then said, that is the tree where I leave all my problems that has happened to me during the day. The next day I go back to the tree to pick up my problems as I go to work but usually its less problems then what I had left the night before. And with that the carpenter left in his truck.

I have always had this issue of wanting to help people and I also have this bad habit of carrying other people's burdens with me. And I told myself, I need my own tree. I need a place where I can put all these troubling thoughts and frustrations in one place, in that way it does not affect my performance in other things. It is not fair that I was affecting the people around me who did not have anything to do with my situation and it was time that I changed that. I have decided to just stay in this neutral state, I cannot force help on those who ask for it and it should not be my problem because honestly it is not my problem. I am not the one having to live through other people's situations, which is why as of now I should focus on what I have to get through and to get done. If people need help, then I'll help but that is if they only ask me for it. I also struggled to find people who would understand what it is that I was going through and all this time I have been overlooking my family for many years. It was not until my aunt told me that why I was telling outsiders my problems when I have a family who knows exactly what is going on. So guys please, do not take your family for granted because when they say they are there for you I kid you not they are there for you. And if that is not the case, usually those who are there for you, are there for you. Be careful who you tell your problems to.

How have you guys been? I hope you guys are all doing well.

xx Chavelita

I don't know what to say

A laughter a day they say 

Could keep the sickness away 

To smile and wonder 

Can create such a blunder 

Avoid the mad, the sad, and the bad

And to just be glad 

My tears lose their meaning 

As more and more are seamlessly leaving 

Choked up in my own words

How wondrous a mind can be without cords 

I close my eyes and I count to three 

Soon I escape to a vast land of trees 

If only there was a possibility 

That one day I could expand this probability 

To be open and accept those 

Who are waiting to be close 

But instead they are placed aside 

Hoping that they would soon glide 

So I wouldn't have to manage 

The fact that one day they don't have to deal with my baggage 

Endless fights that keep me awake 

Of what could of been if I stopped being fake 

Pieces of me scream I can do it 

Though other times I'm left with a pit

How can someone be so happy 

But also feel so crappy 

If life were to give us answers instead of lemons 

Would we be content with the lessons 

So many questions 

Yet I cannot seem to get any explanations

So as of now I remain as myself 

And that someday my life will be found on a shelf 

This poem I wrote last night around 9 PM and at first it all started with the intention of writing a poem. The idea didn't come to me until I started writing, and everything just happened to spill. I called this poem, "I don't know what to say" because lately that is what I have been replying to. I have these moments where you have the words at the tip of your tongue and it's not that you're being inconsiderate but the words aren't there. Well these are the thoughts I have when that happens. I have stories, I just don't know where to begin.

What ways do you use to express yourself?

xx Chavelita 

Anxiety

Anxiety is a weird feeling to experience and mostly comes in the most inconvenient moments. For an example, I went downtown with my parents for the second time. Walking down the sidewalk though I kept seeing people that looked similar to the person I had to confront. Something like this has never happened to me before. Perhaps the only thing that has happened when I reached in this level of anxiety is that I avoid the public so I would not have to confront that person. It was different this time because everyone around me reminded me of that person. Then the lightheaded feeling was returning and the rush of butterflies in my stomach could not stop. My thoughts were scattered, is it possible that as someone gets older anxiety takes a different toll? I am not sure if I should see a doctor for this since I would not be able to explain in exact terms of what is going on with my body.

From these episodes of anxiety I have learned though that the sooner you deal with them, the easier it is to get over them. The damage would not be severe because for one thing I would not want to have foggy thoughts because then I am disoriented with the world outside of me. My tips in lowering anxiety is taking a calm steam-less shower or bath whichever you prefer. Steam actually triggers this sensation of suffocation that makes me more anxious so I am not sure if it gives other people the same reaction. Take a walk. Even  if it is just for a block, it will help clear out your mind and your lungs will be grateful for the fresh air. If you want, take your music along and imagine yourself in your happy place. Control your breathing, normally when anxiety decides to kick in you begin to breathe quicker and you may not be realizing it. Steady your breath intake, don't worry there is enough oxygen for you to take in. The same concept of being sick and losing your appetite happens in anxiety and what I recommend is that to at least eat half of the portion you would normally eat. Your body is your temple, and you need to nourish it in order for it flourish it (no rhyme intended aha). Drink lots of water or maybe drink a cup of warm tea to relax yourself. Lastly take a nap or rest your body, clear your mind for a while or give your thoughts the time to catch up.

I understand that anxiety comes in many forms and severity but it is important to take care of yourself. Take a day off once in a while and avoid having all your stress pile up. Exercise all that anxiety away if you need, have a mini party session for yourself and dance until you can't anymore. Whatever it takes to reduce that anxiety do it just make sure it is legal please. Talk to someone if that may be the case. Anxiety can be a pain in the butt, but you have the power to kick its butt.

What are some ways you do to get rid of anxiety?

xx Chavelita

"I don't know what to do"

Every time I hear someone tell me, "I don't know what to do", I break a little inside. If you do not know what you want, then how exactly am I supposed to know what you want? The only thing I could simply do is be your supporting friend and listen to anything that you have on your mind. This seems like a test and frankly I am not sure I am passing it. When I do not say anything the majority of the time is because I do not know what to say. It's like my mind goes on overdrive running infinite amount of circles as a hamster on a wheel. Though I have been thinking, if you do not know what to do I suggest you step back from the big picture. Perhaps you are over analyzing the choices you have that you are not quite seeing them clearly. Sometimes for a question it would only need a simple answer. Stress could indeed be a major factor and there are times you would want to breakdown. There is nothing wrong with breaking down it relieves some of the stress and it allows you to start over.

Some questions I ask myself when I feel this way is, "Why am I feeling like this?" which helps guide my focal point to the issue. Writing down these feelings in private could also shape the cluttered thoughts like for myself I have a journal where I write anything and everything when I could no longer handle it. It is your journal thus you can write anything in it, exactly the way you want it. What I advise you though is that you go and tell someone too. Talking about it with someone gives you leverage and to further organize those thoughts. Usually when someone does not know what to do, they have an idea what they want. They are not completely in the dark or how else would they know how they are feeling this way? This expression is rather tricky and from experience you just have to give it time. Do not ask me how much time you should give yourself or the person experiencing this because it all depends on the individual. I know it may sound a bit rude, but it's the best that I got. I cannot simply go into someone's mind and make decisions for them. I mean I could barely even make own decisions... Though what you can do is let them know that they are not alone in this. Do not force them into making a decision, this is the time where you have to be understanding and have patience for that person. Trust me, I know it is hard to see someone go through this though you still have your life is still continuing. You cannot just push pause on your own life. Do not drop everything for that person, when they are ready they will come for you. Faith is a key factor of dealing with circumstances like this. It is all about playing your cards right on your faith and facing whatever may come up.

What I also think is that perhaps yourself or that person needs to change something in their life in order to find their place. A routine could be great until there is one piece of it missing that throws you off. Think of what will make you content with your life and play with it. If something does not work, exchange it for something else until you find that happy medium. That is the wonderful thing about being your own person, that you are able to change what you do not like for something that you do. Just be careful for what you are changing because sometimes there is no way of going back to the life you previously had.

When was the last time you took a risk?

xx Chavelita

PS I apologize for not writing, I was indeed sorting out my own thoughts ahahaha but they will be more I actually have a list of topics on my phone so keep your eyes peeled for them! :)

Emotional health

Ever since the tragic death of my Grandmother everything had soon fall apart, yet it forced me to think what it is that I wanted for myself. This is already a mistake, don't wait until something tragic or heartbreaking to occur for you to make a change in your life because it will take a longer time to recover from it. Not everyone is perfect and I know for certain I am no where close to perfect, but sometimes you have to step back from where you are and view the situation you're in from a larger perspective. The issues that has been occurring between family and still have to carry out my school work it was stressful, and you know what I told myself? That people have it worse than me, that my problems are just minimalistic compared to others and that I could handle it myself. Yeah, slap me on my wrist because I did discuss this in a earlier post. Though sometimes the decisions you commit are at first conscious but you get stuck in this habit that it begins to become a regular and that is when you have to stop. When you feel like you are falling apart and you find yourself crying yourself to sleep, that is a major flag that you do need help. When you cannot necessarily explain what it is that you are feeling that is something you should take into consideration and in my opinion that is the most terrifying experience I had encountered. To not know what it is that you want or how to get it and so it seems like you are stuck, perhaps that's a sign of someone developing depression.

I have this bad habit of not allowing people to see me cry, so when I would cry I would cry by myself. Sometimes I felt better, but most of the time it did not solve the issue because I ended up crying over the same thing. Opening up is one of my biggest struggles, but once when you start peeling away the layer of insecurity you start to find yourself happier, stronger, and feeling genuinely better. I have mentioned this before, that taking the first step is the hardest but you have to think about yourself at times like these because I don't want to see any of you fall into or be close to falling into depression. Depression is one of the major mental illnesses here in America, and from having a great friend who has to take antidepressants they kind of take over your life. When she takes them, the next half an hour or so she is already feeling drowsy. Do not let a piece of medicine control your emotions, start to take care of yourself emotionally. Cry when you need to cry, do not worry about what others think. Want to scream in a pillow or in the open? Do it. Have something on your chest? Say it. You feel like you're alone or invisible and that people do not give you a chance to prove yourself? I am most certain you are not the only one, because I do feel like that a lot. But you know what I did? I stop caring what other people did because I found out that I am much happier doing something I like rather than be part of some sleazy gossip. I started to focus on myself the same advice my great friend told me, exclude anything you can that causes you stress and take it one day at a time. Give yourself self-worth, stop neglecting yourself just to be part of something that you may not and create your own path. It's just like what my Mom tells me, "When you came out of my womb, how did you come out? Alone, right? Well you have already proven that you could do things on your own without the help of others."

Yes we need help but also pick your people wisely and carefully. In this week I have learned that you have a choice you can have one thing hang over you weighing you down, or you can confront it and be released from it. I am very grateful for my Dad, at my moments of weakness he knows what to do even though he may not have the right words to tell me just having someone to listen and understand my problems is enough for me. He told me whenever I feel alone that I should call him and tell him. That is how you should be too, no one deserves to feel like they are alone. I have learned to let go over the things that have been weighing me down and to lean on others when I feel like I cannot handle something on my own. And if I have something to say, I should just say it because most of the time letting it out is better than keeping it in.

Do not wait until matters get worse, solve them as soon as they come. Do not let any person, situation, or event control you. Be considerate of yourself just the same way you are considerate with others. We are strong, we can overcome the things we may see as "impossible" at the moment, we can be grateful for the experiences that has happened that created the person we are at the moment.

You are special. 

(Don't forget that, love.)



xx Chavelita

Goodbyes are the hardest

Today's blogpost is not going to be written in the typical inspirational aspect you are used to reading. It is okay if you skip this post or any posts since you are not obligated to read if you do not wish to do so.

The day marks, August 30th, 2014 at around 9 AM my mom receives a phone call from her sister emotionally distressed. My grandmother had been vomiting and has stopped to breathe. She has no pulse. The ambulance is called. Around 10 AM, my mom receives a phone call, her mom did not make it. An abundance of tears and a destroyed daughter starts to cry on the phone as she hears the news. No one ever wants to see their own mother lose their mother that gave life to them and lose her self control as clutched onto her phone. The image of my strong mother, crumbled before my eyes and just like that I crumbled. My foundation ruptured into pieces and I ran away to cry on my own. As to this day I keep having flashbacks of receiving the news. Heaven has gained another angel that day.

No one knows how someone has impacted their life, until the day they leave. Until that moment when they have to say goodbye. As my grandmother was getting older, her health was not the best. Though you still have that hint of hope that she will get better and be able to do the things she used to do. When she begin to forget things, whenever she would call she would always answer "Soly!" (my Mom's nickname) and talk as if nothing happened. Whenever she complained over an ache, I would feel bad but at the same time I was happy that she was talking and be actually to feel something. Although I would not talk to her, she would always ask for me and how I was doing. She was such an amazing, caring, spectacular lady who overcame so much over the years with the death of her husband back in 2008, the numerous hospital trips and still managed to smile or at least give me a smile. She would care about other people such as the time when I was little and I was sleeping next to her and I was about to get out of bed but she told to sleep more. Giving extra blankets so I wouldn't be cold. She even left me her towel when she came to visit, and to this day it still reminds me of her.

It has honestly been hard. At school I have to put on a face and try to forget or at least not think about what happened to just get through the day. But how can you push that aside? How can you move on when a piece of you is not even with you anymore? Only today writing this, I am realizing that she really has left. It's so hard to believe that her funeral was just yesterday because when I went to go visit her in March she was just doing fine. Taking her medicine like she was supposed to and complaining about watching TV all day and laughing whenever a funny movie would be on. Her amount of complaints to the cats and dogs that would nonchalantly in the house as they lived there. I saw her on her death bed as she was beautiful, with white orchids on the casket and herself was holding white orchids. Outside of her house they would grow.

It would of been nice to have gone to the funeral and support my mom just the way she would of done with me. I wore black for that reason yesterday to show my condolences to her and know that we may be across the ocean, but family will always be family. I really hope that my family issues at this point sort out, it's ridiculous honestly. Siblings shouldn't be arguing or saying rude things to one another. They may think I do not know what is going on, but I do. I am no longer that gullible child that can be lied to. It is probably my wish, and my grandma's wish that they would find a way to forgive each other and find a place in their heart to love each other. It may be hard to ask, but now is when we need each other the most.

I am writing this to find my closure in my relationship with my grandmother. I never had problems with her nor have we ever upset each other. Maybe because I did not see her as much as my other family but we would always end on good terms. "Bendicion, Mama." "Dios de cuide." and that's how our conversations ended. Whenever I got the chance to, I would tell her how much I loved her because you honestly don't know when is the last time you will have the chance to say it. I thank God for having known her for the 17 years of my life and teaching me not to care about what others think. Though I think that was something that weakened her because she did care what was going on within her family.You can only be so strong until you reach your breaking point.

I really miss her. But at least when I saw her on her deathbed she had finally found that peace she has been looking for. She was just looking in the wrong place. Now she is with my grandfather reunited once again and feeling more stronger than ever. I know that she is looking after me from above only her voice is now in my heart.

Descanse en paz, Maria De La Cruz Gonzalez Feliciano. Siempre te voy amar, viejita preciosa.
5-18-1940 - 8-30-2014

Chavelita

Nothing but clever thoughts

I have constantly been asking myself for the reasons behind the behaviors of others, most importantly my peers (alright, my acquaintances) and is like the pile of disappointments are outweighing the positives.

It is sad that some students do no understand that our teachers are as human as we are, or in fact more human than we are for actually being able to make a living through their own teachings. People forget that teachers go through regular stress and drama of their own and because they are not asked it does not mean that it is not occurring. Not many give their teachers a chance and instead they come up with assumptions for one independent event. Such as when I work in my school's office, it is about a regular that a student will complain that their counselor is never there when they come to see them. Excuse me, but a counselor has emergencies too, a counselor needs to nourish themselves during lunch time, a counselor gets sick too because THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO! Amazing, right? They have blood and flesh just like us, it's remarkable. Honestly, if something is going to be said it should have evidence to actually back up what is going to be said. Some people complain about their counselor not being there and they only went twice. Besides instead of complaining (which could of been time used to do something productive) come during another time or email them. Whatever it is but people have to stop expecting that the world does not revolve around them.

Something happened today in my short day of class today, and it was that my classmates was laughing at their teacher who were stating her opinions and the fact the plagiarism is indeed something that should be avoided especially in IB where if a sentence is copied, that document will be immediately be voided ruining the chance of receiving the IB diploma. I do not understand what is so hilarious about a teacher looking out for her students, in fact she has every right to be scolding the students for previous copying that has been occurring. It is understandable that she is speaking to her whole IB class of this situation occurring and that to some students it should not be a problem but it is as if people are taking IB seriously. I cannot say that last year IB class were more structured and motivated to reach the highest potential they could possibly reach but from the look of my class it is the opposite. Students believe that they can get away with anything such as copying and not have the teachers notice, but when something stinks it is quite hard to not notice the smell. I am truly appreciated through the amount of time, work, and patience these teachers has given us because it is for them that I feel confident to continue this program knowing that if I do what they tell me to do, it is for my future benefit. Teachers are people too, with emotions and sometimes they do feel insecure but the magic of actually socializing with them and getting to know them you will soon realize how hilarious they are and what similar interests that are shared.

It is quite annoying that I come up with the cleverest things to say after my opportunity to actually say it. This is something I want to work on, I am tired of being the bystander who hears everything and does not do anything about it. I have a voice, I should use it even if it means getting judgments from certain people or group of people.

(Just because you casually speak to your teachers/counselors, it does not make you their pet. It means you're mature enough to see that the differences are actually similarities.)

Has there been a time when you just want to slap some sense into people?

xx Chavelita