Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Goodbyes are the hardest

Today's blogpost is not going to be written in the typical inspirational aspect you are used to reading. It is okay if you skip this post or any posts since you are not obligated to read if you do not wish to do so.

The day marks, August 30th, 2014 at around 9 AM my mom receives a phone call from her sister emotionally distressed. My grandmother had been vomiting and has stopped to breathe. She has no pulse. The ambulance is called. Around 10 AM, my mom receives a phone call, her mom did not make it. An abundance of tears and a destroyed daughter starts to cry on the phone as she hears the news. No one ever wants to see their own mother lose their mother that gave life to them and lose her self control as clutched onto her phone. The image of my strong mother, crumbled before my eyes and just like that I crumbled. My foundation ruptured into pieces and I ran away to cry on my own. As to this day I keep having flashbacks of receiving the news. Heaven has gained another angel that day.

No one knows how someone has impacted their life, until the day they leave. Until that moment when they have to say goodbye. As my grandmother was getting older, her health was not the best. Though you still have that hint of hope that she will get better and be able to do the things she used to do. When she begin to forget things, whenever she would call she would always answer "Soly!" (my Mom's nickname) and talk as if nothing happened. Whenever she complained over an ache, I would feel bad but at the same time I was happy that she was talking and be actually to feel something. Although I would not talk to her, she would always ask for me and how I was doing. She was such an amazing, caring, spectacular lady who overcame so much over the years with the death of her husband back in 2008, the numerous hospital trips and still managed to smile or at least give me a smile. She would care about other people such as the time when I was little and I was sleeping next to her and I was about to get out of bed but she told to sleep more. Giving extra blankets so I wouldn't be cold. She even left me her towel when she came to visit, and to this day it still reminds me of her.

It has honestly been hard. At school I have to put on a face and try to forget or at least not think about what happened to just get through the day. But how can you push that aside? How can you move on when a piece of you is not even with you anymore? Only today writing this, I am realizing that she really has left. It's so hard to believe that her funeral was just yesterday because when I went to go visit her in March she was just doing fine. Taking her medicine like she was supposed to and complaining about watching TV all day and laughing whenever a funny movie would be on. Her amount of complaints to the cats and dogs that would nonchalantly in the house as they lived there. I saw her on her death bed as she was beautiful, with white orchids on the casket and herself was holding white orchids. Outside of her house they would grow.

It would of been nice to have gone to the funeral and support my mom just the way she would of done with me. I wore black for that reason yesterday to show my condolences to her and know that we may be across the ocean, but family will always be family. I really hope that my family issues at this point sort out, it's ridiculous honestly. Siblings shouldn't be arguing or saying rude things to one another. They may think I do not know what is going on, but I do. I am no longer that gullible child that can be lied to. It is probably my wish, and my grandma's wish that they would find a way to forgive each other and find a place in their heart to love each other. It may be hard to ask, but now is when we need each other the most.

I am writing this to find my closure in my relationship with my grandmother. I never had problems with her nor have we ever upset each other. Maybe because I did not see her as much as my other family but we would always end on good terms. "Bendicion, Mama." "Dios de cuide." and that's how our conversations ended. Whenever I got the chance to, I would tell her how much I loved her because you honestly don't know when is the last time you will have the chance to say it. I thank God for having known her for the 17 years of my life and teaching me not to care about what others think. Though I think that was something that weakened her because she did care what was going on within her family.You can only be so strong until you reach your breaking point.

I really miss her. But at least when I saw her on her deathbed she had finally found that peace she has been looking for. She was just looking in the wrong place. Now she is with my grandfather reunited once again and feeling more stronger than ever. I know that she is looking after me from above only her voice is now in my heart.

Descanse en paz, Maria De La Cruz Gonzalez Feliciano. Siempre te voy amar, viejita preciosa.
5-18-1940 - 8-30-2014


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