Emotional health

Ever since the tragic death of my Grandmother everything had soon fall apart, yet it forced me to think what it is that I wanted for myself. This is already a mistake, don't wait until something tragic or heartbreaking to occur for you to make a change in your life because it will take a longer time to recover from it. Not everyone is perfect and I know for certain I am no where close to perfect, but sometimes you have to step back from where you are and view the situation you're in from a larger perspective. The issues that has been occurring between family and still have to carry out my school work it was stressful, and you know what I told myself? That people have it worse than me, that my problems are just minimalistic compared to others and that I could handle it myself. Yeah, slap me on my wrist because I did discuss this in a earlier post. Though sometimes the decisions you commit are at first conscious but you get stuck in this habit that it begins to become a regular and that is when you have to stop. When you feel like you are falling apart and you find yourself crying yourself to sleep, that is a major flag that you do need help. When you cannot necessarily explain what it is that you are feeling that is something you should take into consideration and in my opinion that is the most terrifying experience I had encountered. To not know what it is that you want or how to get it and so it seems like you are stuck, perhaps that's a sign of someone developing depression.

I have this bad habit of not allowing people to see me cry, so when I would cry I would cry by myself. Sometimes I felt better, but most of the time it did not solve the issue because I ended up crying over the same thing. Opening up is one of my biggest struggles, but once when you start peeling away the layer of insecurity you start to find yourself happier, stronger, and feeling genuinely better. I have mentioned this before, that taking the first step is the hardest but you have to think about yourself at times like these because I don't want to see any of you fall into or be close to falling into depression. Depression is one of the major mental illnesses here in America, and from having a great friend who has to take antidepressants they kind of take over your life. When she takes them, the next half an hour or so she is already feeling drowsy. Do not let a piece of medicine control your emotions, start to take care of yourself emotionally. Cry when you need to cry, do not worry about what others think. Want to scream in a pillow or in the open? Do it. Have something on your chest? Say it. You feel like you're alone or invisible and that people do not give you a chance to prove yourself? I am most certain you are not the only one, because I do feel like that a lot. But you know what I did? I stop caring what other people did because I found out that I am much happier doing something I like rather than be part of some sleazy gossip. I started to focus on myself the same advice my great friend told me, exclude anything you can that causes you stress and take it one day at a time. Give yourself self-worth, stop neglecting yourself just to be part of something that you may not and create your own path. It's just like what my Mom tells me, "When you came out of my womb, how did you come out? Alone, right? Well you have already proven that you could do things on your own without the help of others."

Yes we need help but also pick your people wisely and carefully. In this week I have learned that you have a choice you can have one thing hang over you weighing you down, or you can confront it and be released from it. I am very grateful for my Dad, at my moments of weakness he knows what to do even though he may not have the right words to tell me just having someone to listen and understand my problems is enough for me. He told me whenever I feel alone that I should call him and tell him. That is how you should be too, no one deserves to feel like they are alone. I have learned to let go over the things that have been weighing me down and to lean on others when I feel like I cannot handle something on my own. And if I have something to say, I should just say it because most of the time letting it out is better than keeping it in.

Do not wait until matters get worse, solve them as soon as they come. Do not let any person, situation, or event control you. Be considerate of yourself just the same way you are considerate with others. We are strong, we can overcome the things we may see as "impossible" at the moment, we can be grateful for the experiences that has happened that created the person we are at the moment.

You are special. 

(Don't forget that, love.)



xx Chavelita

Goodbyes are the hardest

Today's blogpost is not going to be written in the typical inspirational aspect you are used to reading. It is okay if you skip this post or any posts since you are not obligated to read if you do not wish to do so.

The day marks, August 30th, 2014 at around 9 AM my mom receives a phone call from her sister emotionally distressed. My grandmother had been vomiting and has stopped to breathe. She has no pulse. The ambulance is called. Around 10 AM, my mom receives a phone call, her mom did not make it. An abundance of tears and a destroyed daughter starts to cry on the phone as she hears the news. No one ever wants to see their own mother lose their mother that gave life to them and lose her self control as clutched onto her phone. The image of my strong mother, crumbled before my eyes and just like that I crumbled. My foundation ruptured into pieces and I ran away to cry on my own. As to this day I keep having flashbacks of receiving the news. Heaven has gained another angel that day.

No one knows how someone has impacted their life, until the day they leave. Until that moment when they have to say goodbye. As my grandmother was getting older, her health was not the best. Though you still have that hint of hope that she will get better and be able to do the things she used to do. When she begin to forget things, whenever she would call she would always answer "Soly!" (my Mom's nickname) and talk as if nothing happened. Whenever she complained over an ache, I would feel bad but at the same time I was happy that she was talking and be actually to feel something. Although I would not talk to her, she would always ask for me and how I was doing. She was such an amazing, caring, spectacular lady who overcame so much over the years with the death of her husband back in 2008, the numerous hospital trips and still managed to smile or at least give me a smile. She would care about other people such as the time when I was little and I was sleeping next to her and I was about to get out of bed but she told to sleep more. Giving extra blankets so I wouldn't be cold. She even left me her towel when she came to visit, and to this day it still reminds me of her.

It has honestly been hard. At school I have to put on a face and try to forget or at least not think about what happened to just get through the day. But how can you push that aside? How can you move on when a piece of you is not even with you anymore? Only today writing this, I am realizing that she really has left. It's so hard to believe that her funeral was just yesterday because when I went to go visit her in March she was just doing fine. Taking her medicine like she was supposed to and complaining about watching TV all day and laughing whenever a funny movie would be on. Her amount of complaints to the cats and dogs that would nonchalantly in the house as they lived there. I saw her on her death bed as she was beautiful, with white orchids on the casket and herself was holding white orchids. Outside of her house they would grow.

It would of been nice to have gone to the funeral and support my mom just the way she would of done with me. I wore black for that reason yesterday to show my condolences to her and know that we may be across the ocean, but family will always be family. I really hope that my family issues at this point sort out, it's ridiculous honestly. Siblings shouldn't be arguing or saying rude things to one another. They may think I do not know what is going on, but I do. I am no longer that gullible child that can be lied to. It is probably my wish, and my grandma's wish that they would find a way to forgive each other and find a place in their heart to love each other. It may be hard to ask, but now is when we need each other the most.

I am writing this to find my closure in my relationship with my grandmother. I never had problems with her nor have we ever upset each other. Maybe because I did not see her as much as my other family but we would always end on good terms. "Bendicion, Mama." "Dios de cuide." and that's how our conversations ended. Whenever I got the chance to, I would tell her how much I loved her because you honestly don't know when is the last time you will have the chance to say it. I thank God for having known her for the 17 years of my life and teaching me not to care about what others think. Though I think that was something that weakened her because she did care what was going on within her family.You can only be so strong until you reach your breaking point.

I really miss her. But at least when I saw her on her deathbed she had finally found that peace she has been looking for. She was just looking in the wrong place. Now she is with my grandfather reunited once again and feeling more stronger than ever. I know that she is looking after me from above only her voice is now in my heart.

Descanse en paz, Maria De La Cruz Gonzalez Feliciano. Siempre te voy amar, viejita preciosa.
5-18-1940 - 8-30-2014

Chavelita

Nothing but clever thoughts

I have constantly been asking myself for the reasons behind the behaviors of others, most importantly my peers (alright, my acquaintances) and is like the pile of disappointments are outweighing the positives.

It is sad that some students do no understand that our teachers are as human as we are, or in fact more human than we are for actually being able to make a living through their own teachings. People forget that teachers go through regular stress and drama of their own and because they are not asked it does not mean that it is not occurring. Not many give their teachers a chance and instead they come up with assumptions for one independent event. Such as when I work in my school's office, it is about a regular that a student will complain that their counselor is never there when they come to see them. Excuse me, but a counselor has emergencies too, a counselor needs to nourish themselves during lunch time, a counselor gets sick too because THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO! Amazing, right? They have blood and flesh just like us, it's remarkable. Honestly, if something is going to be said it should have evidence to actually back up what is going to be said. Some people complain about their counselor not being there and they only went twice. Besides instead of complaining (which could of been time used to do something productive) come during another time or email them. Whatever it is but people have to stop expecting that the world does not revolve around them.

Something happened today in my short day of class today, and it was that my classmates was laughing at their teacher who were stating her opinions and the fact the plagiarism is indeed something that should be avoided especially in IB where if a sentence is copied, that document will be immediately be voided ruining the chance of receiving the IB diploma. I do not understand what is so hilarious about a teacher looking out for her students, in fact she has every right to be scolding the students for previous copying that has been occurring. It is understandable that she is speaking to her whole IB class of this situation occurring and that to some students it should not be a problem but it is as if people are taking IB seriously. I cannot say that last year IB class were more structured and motivated to reach the highest potential they could possibly reach but from the look of my class it is the opposite. Students believe that they can get away with anything such as copying and not have the teachers notice, but when something stinks it is quite hard to not notice the smell. I am truly appreciated through the amount of time, work, and patience these teachers has given us because it is for them that I feel confident to continue this program knowing that if I do what they tell me to do, it is for my future benefit. Teachers are people too, with emotions and sometimes they do feel insecure but the magic of actually socializing with them and getting to know them you will soon realize how hilarious they are and what similar interests that are shared.

It is quite annoying that I come up with the cleverest things to say after my opportunity to actually say it. This is something I want to work on, I am tired of being the bystander who hears everything and does not do anything about it. I have a voice, I should use it even if it means getting judgments from certain people or group of people.

(Just because you casually speak to your teachers/counselors, it does not make you their pet. It means you're mature enough to see that the differences are actually similarities.)

Has there been a time when you just want to slap some sense into people?

xx Chavelita

You're so short

The first week of school I may have mentioned before that I was bullied for my height (something I have absolutely no control over) and instead of just keeping it to themselves they decide to compare heights with me like if I did not notice what they were doing. I want to address that my small size is only the outer part that I cannot hide about myself, and what people do is automatically create assumptions that because I am short they have every right to treat me like a child. Excuse me while I go grab a stool to slap sense into those people. I did not choose to be short as I told my best friend, neither did I choose to be a target. I already have to live with the fact that my doctor said that I am done with growing, that going shoe shopping becomes a chore because I have the smallest feet you can imagine and the tiniest wrists that every bracelet I wear slips right off which is why I do not wear or buy any.

Just because I have to look up most of the time to see people in the eye, it does not mean that I am looking up to you while in fact I only look up because I prefer to see a face than a crotch (and it is more respectable to give someone eye contact when you are speaking with them). Let just say that I am considerate to see faces or if not I would just look at the floor or the person's stomach. Something that agitates me the most is that people who I have no history with begin to speak in this idiotic ignorant tone of voice. I should just speak the same way back and instead throw sarcastic comebacks until they realize that I am not "10" because I am tired of those who correlates age with height. I do not correlate attitude with age, so do not correlate my age with my height. Many underestimate the power of what a short person can handle, not all of us who are short need help. If I cannot reach something in my house I will find a way to climb to my destination before I ask someone for help. I have climbed multiple countertops, pantries and closets you can say that I am pretty certified to handle the unreachable. 

As to this day I still have people ask me bluntly without even knowing my first name, "Why are you so short?" and sometimes I want to say "have you learned anything in Biology or were you too busy having your head up somewhere that doesn't shine?" Of course I am the implosive type of person so I would not say something like that out loud, but why do people ask such obvious questions is beyond ridiculous. I will teach you if you want. Everyone has genes in definition are molecular unit of hereditary of a living organism. Think of them as the instructions in the creation of a human. When a male and a female reproduce to have their children genes from both parents are mixed together to produce the new traits of the child. (Punnet squares are very lovely to paint the picture of the possibilities of their child and what traits they are likely to gain). I like to see myself as Gregor Mendel's pea plant experiment as the shortest pea plant that grew out of the other three plants. Family history plays a huge role of how I inherited my short height because my Dad's mother did not even reach 5 feet just like me though his father was a tall man. My Mom on the other hand her mother was about average height as so her father but being short did run in her family too. It just so happens that I was short because all of these factors affecting my genes. Now you know that before you ask obvious questions, maybe you should open up a Biology book and educate yourself on the human body. 

Height is nothing that should define you of the person you are. There will be ignorant people I have learned that will just want to upset you and just remember that they are not worth your time. Give them a sarcastic comment that either leaves them confuse or staring back at you with disgust. Either way they will stop to bother you. Do not let people take advantage of those sensitive emotions you have. One of the funny comebacks I like to say is, "I am glad you have a good pair of eyes to notice the obvious, congratulations!" 

Hopefully I have taught some of you something. Do not to be that person who states the obvious please I might as well walk around with a piece of paper in front of me with "STOP. THINK. SPEAK." 

How do you tolerate ignorant people?

xx Chavelita 

The Love Language

In my views of showing my affection, I do not really flaunt it instead it is quite silent. I am not the type that will profoundly shout from the top of my lungs who I love instead I write them handmade notes, letters, messages explaining how much I love them and how they impacted my life for the better. I just never thought a relationship with someone should be put on blast as long as you are able to tell them or demonstrate the affection you have for them it should be enough. In that case, when I do find myself loving someone they probably would not even notice since I sense that silent love is not that common at least where I live. Perhaps it is a timid trait that I have in which I have not grown out of or may never will.

My Dad was reading The 5 Love Language (which for those who are about to tell me I know I am not married but in the future I would want to read it) and he told me that there was five different languages to profess love to one another. You can show love using your words, serving others, receiving gifts, spending quality time, or through a physical touch. It makes sense now, love is more than just an emotion to describe affection for something, some place or someone but more of how one may define it. I would have to say my love language would be physical touch and I know that I feel weird being given hugs but it is just that warmth and security that comforts me. Each person has their own love language which is pretty intriguing because I never saw love that way before.

Love is pretty tricky though, it takes patience, compatibility, communication, and time. Knock on wood, but I have only been affected through one divorce in my life time (and no it wasn't my parents, they're still happily married). It saddens to see that a marriage could end so sudden and it worries me how sudden things can change between a relationship. Though for certain I know, they probably did not know each other well enough if they are already starting to have doubts as to where they stand in their relationship. Doubt and jealousy is a mixture that you do not want to see together. Doubt has a way of manipulating the mind causing it to jump into possible nonexistent conclusions ruining a good relationship. To avoid doubt, I guess it is to be faithful and honest with one another. Tell the truth even if it will hurt but please do not make your partner overthink especially when there is nothing to think of. That is one thing that destroys someone from the inside out and affects the people around them.

Revenge should not be a choice or an answer for closure. Be the smarter person and leave them. If they do not know how to treat a person well, what makes you think they will change? Never, no matter how many times they tell you sorry or tell you take me back, go back to the person that once abused you physically or and mentally. They are the ones who are mentally ill and needs help with whatever it is that they are currently going through. Sadly, people change even the ones you may have thought you had known backwards and forwards. Find the courage you need to overcome them and close that chapter as soon as you can. It still gives me shivers that some people will still go back after being mistreated, I am most certain that someone better will treat you righteously the way you deserve.

What is the love language you prefer?

xx Chavelita

Cafeteria Duty

This week as I was waiting in the lunch line, a quick memory came up to me and I thought I should share it.

I was in 6th grade and still in elementary school. Since the school systems in Hawaii are a bit different they still consider 6th grade as a lower level. Well each day two students are chosen to do cafeteria day in which those students take the morning off from classes and go help the cafeteria staff serve the food. This was something completely new to me, my first thought was how are they going to allow kids serve food for four hours straight? Just one time I was chosen to do this job. It was 8 o'clock and I headed to the cafeteria like I was supposed to. I'm not certain if I went alone or I had another classmate go with me but when I got there a pile of plastic aprons and rubber gloves was already waiting for me. You can imagine how those gloves fitted me, to paint you a picture I had to roll the end of my gloves and fold my apron in half. It's like one size is a lie to me because sometimes they're also too big on me. The plus side was that I was eating for free today since I'll be working and having lunch for breakfast couldn't make me any more happier. Surprisingly the cooks spoke Spanish. Yes Spanish, a place where you don't hear it as much which I felt pretty exclusive to be able to understand their conversations. Since not many people speak Spanish in Hawaii, it was nice to use it as this special code to communicate with the my parents in front of my friends who didn't know Spanish. The job I was placed to do was passing the plates to the cook which was okay for me, I didn't like to be in charge of large tasks back then because I lacked confidence and wasn't sure if I was able to handle it. The next thing I am about to say is the truth. When I was on break a car was parked in front the school. Since it's a outdoor school, the hallways are basically outside. But at the moment of break Madison Pettis was walking to her car with her body guards. I was only able to see her curly hair. Now to think about it this is probably the closest I have been to a well known person. I almost missed it too, I can be oblivious at times when it comes to crowded activities and random screaming from classrooms. The rest of day was pretty much routine and at the end of the work day I was fed leftovers which was a bonus. 

I think it would be safe to say that I do understand the tedious, repetitive work the cafeteria staff is put through. Organizing the food. Preparing the food. Serving the food. Then cleaning up. I've been in their shoes and just after that day all I wanted to do was sleep. Next time you see a cafeteria staff member tell them thank you, be kind to them for feeding you and actually taking the time to prepare the food you're about to eat. It's the tiniest gestures that could affect a person and it could actually make them feel that their effort was sufficient.

What is a random memory you remember from school?

(Hopefully she doesn't mind... heh) 6th Grade Graduation

xx Chavelita

Side 2

Hmm, I'm not sure I have told you that I am a military kid (probably briefly in a earlier post). Yes, my father has been serving the Army before I was even born and still is serving the country today. Today I thought I would give you a glimpse as what it is to be a military kid.

The detachment. The total amount of times my Dad has been deployed would be 3 times, at least those I remember and has affected me. I remember the first time when I was small maybe 4, and he was leaving to go to South Korea (of course at that time I was not sure where he was going). When we got there he was saying goodbye and I wanted to go with him but since I was still in my car seat I did not know how to take off the seat belt. He closed the car door and left, with my little self trying to open the car door. Next thing I remember I was crying and watching him take closer steps to the building. The other two times where they are the same honestly, when he left to Iraq I cried numerous times before he actually left the same when he left to Kuwait the previous year. I am always telling myself that I have to be strong and that the sooner he leaves the earlier he gets back.

Single parent. Hands down, I would have to say that my Mom is the strongest person I have met. Full of character and not once have I found her crying when my Dad leaves (unless she does and I don't see her). I am not sure how she does it, having to temporarily play two roles of mother and father. She has always put my brothers and I first before herself. I sometimes wonder how my Mom was like as a person before she met my Dad. Was she already independent, and confident? Or was she timid and quiet like I am at the moment? Glad she chose to marry my Dad, they're the perfect partners for each other and are able to communicate without actually communicating. I call it the telepathic minds. I think it comes when you know the person backwards and forwards that you can actually read thoughts or actions before they happen. It is weird, but my parents has known each other roughly around 30 to 35 years. Either way, I try to make the transition easier for the both us by not asking for much and helping out when I can.

Moving. You would think that the few times I have moved throughout my childhood, I would learn to socialize and learn to make friends quickly. That was probably the biggest obstacle I had to go over. Saying goodbyes were the worst and then seeing people who look like the friends you have left was heartbreaking. I do not consider myself to have a hometown since the place I was born in I only stayed them until I was one year old and we moved again. Though I am thankful that I had the opportunity to travel, learn new cultures, meet people I would have not thought of knowing. It has taught me not to be ignorant and create assumptions based on the media instead to actually know them for who they are. Such as when I lived in Hawaii, I was introduced to the ukulele. It's like a tiny guitar with only four strings but it creates such a beautiful relaxing tune that for Christmas I had gotten one and over this summer I have been playing. When I used to go to middle school over there, during transition periods some of my classmates would spontaneously just play the ukulele and walk to class. Since it was an outdoor school, the sound would travel around the campus. Spam musibi was another thing I miss, you could go to almost any gas station and buy one. It is basically a piece of cooked spam on rice wrapped in seaweed. It was also made with teriyaki chicken. Such lovely people I met when I lived there, nice to have felt included.

Friends. So far the nationalities I have met include Polynesian, Samoan, Venezuelan, Spanish, Mexican, Puerto Rican, Korean, Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese and German. I had a best friend who was Korean and she drew so amazingly that it caused me to pick up drawing myself. I had met her in the 6th grade and we were both wallflowers only I was the first to interact. I began to include her more when others would not give her a chance. I do not regret meeting her, she was the first to take me to eat Pho with her family (I believe it is Vietnamese soup and they give you the meat is a bit raw but you're supposed to dip the meat into the broth to finish its cooking, so good...), first to introduce me into Nutella, and expanded my music vocabulary for introducing to Vocaloid which is Japanese computerized singing robots that sound like humans and through that I picked up some Japanese phrases and we would talk to each other in small verses in Japanese. At church in Hawaii is where I felt included since everyone spoke Spanish there and I honestly felt like I was Puerto Rico. In fact I met a Puerto Rican mother that I grew close to that I still talk to, her stories were profound. Give people chances is something important I have learned, you have to open up if you want to actually settle into the location you were stationed in. And who knows, you may see them again.

Being a military kid has their pros and cons, but I have learned to make the best out of each situation. Like go to the top of Moana Loa the tallest mountain in the Big Island where you have to look down to see the clouds or run a 5K for a fundraiser in Texas. I have heard a lot of times that military kids grow up faster than normal kids but I do not think it's necessarily true. Everyone grows up by the amount of experiences and stories they have encountered throughout their childhood that develop them to become the person they are today. But I do believe it makes us grow up differently among the rest. Obviously there is more, but this the glimpse of the military kid life. In person I do not mention that I am a military kid because it either not brought up or I do not bring it up. It's not something I like to talk about but it is a part of who I am and I cannot ignore it.

How has the military impacted your life?

xx Chavelita